Synopsis:

After a forced marriage filled with violence, Bella escapes from Edward with their unborn child. Almost four years later, Edward has found her and their daughter and he refuses to let them go.

"The only thing worse than a boy who hates you: a boy that loves you."

- Markus Zusak

Chapter 31

Tension

The week before the holidays had always been a difficult one for Bella. Being away from her mother while struggling under the strains of being a single parent all added to her dislike of the holiday season. This holiday season was supposed to be different. Renee was set to return Christmas Eve, and Bella was finally at a point in her life where she wasn't struggling. All of that meant she should have been in higher spirits when the holiday season came around, but she wasn't. Still, she tried not to let her pessimism for the season affect Alexis, who was, as usual, in high spirits.

"This light isn't working," Alexis said, holding up the tiny ornament light for Bella to see.

"The bulb probably needs to be changed," Bella replied.

It had barely been five in the morning when Alexis had woken her up. The night before, Bella had promised her that they would start to take out decorations the next day. It was a spur of the moment promise, and Bella had only done it to get Alexis to go to bed. When Alexis awoke, she had not forgotten the promise and proceeded to remind Bella every five minutes until she woke up.

"This one is broken." Alexis held up a cracked tree ornament.

"There are a lot more in the box." Bella was having a hard time keeping her mind focused. She hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, and she had to work in a few hours. Bella was desperate to try to stick to the normal state of things and determined to treat that day like any other day. Any diversion from the state of normalcy was just a reminder of all the problems she was currently facing. "We'll go to the store tomorrow to get some more decorations."

Alexis's face lit up at that. "Promise?" she asked.

"I'm not falling for that one again."

At some point between Alexis's endless questions about the decorations and a headache that was slowly approaching, the time got away from Bella, and she had to rush her and Alexis out of the house before she was late. Once Alexis was dropped off at her friend's house, Bella barely managed to make it to work on time.

In the short time that Bella had worked there, she'd quickly gotten used to it. It was definitely an improvement from her last job. She hadn't forgotten James and often wondered what Victoria was doing now. Her co-workers were friendly enough, and she couldn't deny that the bonuses that came with the job were more than she could have hoped for. She was content with this part of her life and was grateful that work provided an opportunity for her to step into an environment where she was comfortable and untroubled by everything else that was going on.

Just before lunch ended, Bella was in the building's cafeteria with two of her co-workers, Rebecca and Hannah. Rebecca was the workplace gossiper. Whilst the other employees found her exasperating and annoying, Bella was one of the few who would sit and listen as she shared all the recent gossip that was going on. Bella wasn't particularly interested in what Rebecca had to say; she only listened to be nice. Hannah sat by quietly, rolling her eyes every few minutes.

"Did you hear that Andrew and Sharon broke up?" Rebecca asked in her high pitched voice. Everyone around the office called it her gossip voice. It signalled that she had some piece of news to share.

"No," Bella responded, but they both knew Rebecca was only asking to highlight how much more she knew than Bella.

"Yup. They got into a huge fight a few days ago. It's why she hasn't been here; she took some sick days." Rebecca paused for only a moment to catch her breath. "So, what do you have planned for the holidays?" Before Bella could answer, she continued. "I'm heading to Puerto Rico for some sun. It will give me a chance to get away from this cold weather. That's why I'm hoping Mr. Cullen has accounting pass out bonuses early."

"Wait, Mr. Cullen?" Bella asked.

"Yeah." Rebecca had an amused expression on her face. "You didn't know? It was supposed to be some big secret who the new owner is after Mr. McAllister sold us. Yeah right. Like anyone can keep a secret here."

"Yeah, yeah, but this Mr. Cullen, do you know his first name?" Bella asked, not wanting to believe what she was being told.

Rebecca thought for a moment. "I think it's Edmund or something."

"Edward," Hannah corrected her as she rolled her eyes. "Edward Cullen. I met him a few days ago in Port Angeles. For some reason he didn't want to have the meeting here. I don't know what he has against the place. Where are you going?" Hannah called after Bella had stood up with a horrified expression and walked away. Really, she should have known. Of course he'd buy the place she worked. He always had to be in control.

Bella pushed through the front doors hard, unable to stay in the building any longer. She was starting to feel claustrophobic. Tears were beginning to form in her eyes as she ran to her truck. It was always one thing after the other, and she'd been able to withstand it all for the past five years, but now, she was cracking. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. She couldn't take it anymore.

Not even caring if the speed broke her truck, Bella pushed the engine as hard as it could go. Her only thought was to get as far away from everyone as possible before she broke down. Truthfully, she didn't even know if it was just this isolated event or the culmination of events that led to this moment that was causing her to crack; either way, she'd been bruised emotionally for a while, and the pain was now beginning to register.

Bella made it home much quicker than she would have under normal circumstances. She ran into the empty house expecting it to be a safe haven, but it was anything but. It was just another reminder as to how far she'd fallen. There was a time when the house represented something; now it didn't.

Slamming the front door, Bella leaned against it and then sunk to her knees. Her breath was ragged as she desperately tried to hold in the racking sobs that were trying to break through. She hadn't allowed herself to cry in so long that she had almost forgotten how to. She closed her eyes in a fruitless attempt to stop the tears from falling but more tears than she would have liked still snuck through. Everything was finally bubbling to the surface, and she was afraid that if she let it all out, when the time came for her to be strong again, she wouldn't be able to contain it. Her emotions were like a wild animal. Once it was let out, it would be difficult to get it back into the cage again. The problem was she didn't want to be strong anymore—being strong hurt too much. She wanted to be weak. She didn't want to fight it anymore.

"Breathe, breathe," she reminded herself, but breathing didn't work.

More than an hour later, Bella had finally pulled herself together enough to leave the house to pick up Alexis. She didn't bother calling into work. Odds were the boss wouldn't mind. She made sure her eyes were no longer red and that there was no indication she'd been crying. True to her word, she took Alexis to get some more decorations and buy a small tree. It was hard feigning excitement with her the entire time. She hoped more than anything that Edward would not stop by that evening, but that was a wasted hope.

When he knocked, Bella took a few minutes to prepare herself. She'd wanted to yell and scream at him for interfering so much in her life, but the sadness within her was too great to let the anger come forth. She tried to keep her face calm when she opened the door. It didn't seem to work as Edward noticed right away that something was wrong.

"Are you okay?" he asked. His voice was soft and overly concerned which irritated her.

"I'm fine," she replied, but her voice broke.

Alexis didn't notice the tension between her parents as she pulled Edward into the living room to show him the progress she and Bella had made in decorating the Christmas tree. Several times he tried to engage Bella in conversation, but for the most part she left him and Alexis alone. She couldn't handle being around him at the moment, so she stayed out of the way as he and Alexis had their time together. Often times, it felt like she'd reached the end and was close to blurting out what she wanted to say, but she barely managed to keep it together. She hated the turbulent emotions that came with her relationship with Edward. It made her feel weak and vulnerable.

Edward stayed long enough to tuck Alexis into bed, and when he was leaving, Bella could see that there was something he desperately wanted to say, but he left without saying it. That seemed to be a main theme in their relationship, both of them continuously wanting to say something, but never having the nerve to actually say it.

Later that night, when Bella finally fell asleep, it was a restless sleep. Her mind refused to stay quiet. She was on the edge of sleep when she awoke suddenly. At first she wasn't aware of what had awoken her. She assumed it was just her restless mind, but then she heard a small thump. After Renee had left Bella had temporarily moved back into her old room, so thinking Alexis might have rolled off her bed, Bella left her own and went to check on her.

After pushing Alexis's bedroom door open, she saw her daughter curled up on the mattress. She hadn't fallen off so that left Bella momentarily confused regarding the source of the sound, but she was too tired to contemplate it for long. As she was about to walk back into her bedroom, something caught her eye. There were shadows moving about on the curtain by the front widow, indicating that there was someone outside. Approaching the window carefully, Bella could hear soft voices just outside. The shadows moved away from the window as Bella pulled the edge of the curtain away to look outside. She could see two figures. One of them was bent towards the front door's lock while the other stood nearby, looking back and forth at the road. The sound of the door handle jiggling caused her to jump.

Running silently back into Alexis's bedroom, Bella just had time to see the front door softly open as she closed Alexis's door. There was no lock on Alexis's door, and Bella cursed herself for never having put one on before. She almost tripped over one of Alexis's toys as she went over to the bed. Bella shook her awake.

"Lexi, come on, wake up." Bella tried not to make her voice frantic, afraid that it would scare Alexis, but it didn't work.

When Alexis woke up, her eyes were wide with fear. "What's wrong?" she asked.

Bella opened her mouth to respond, but before she could, she heard footsteps just outside Alexis's door and a voice say, "It looks like there are only two rooms. I don't know whose is who."

"Check that room," a second voice said.

Bella could hear what sounded like liquid hitting the floor.

"It's empty," the first voice said.

Picking Alexis up, Bella scrambled under the bed, pulling Alexis under with her. The door handle for Alexis's bedroom rattled, and Alexis made a small sound. Bella clamped a hand on her mouth to keep her quiet. A pair of shoes appeared just inside Alexis's room. Whoever it was seemed to survey the room for a moment before walking back out, closing the door behind them.

"It's empty," the first voice said.

"Doesn't matter anyway. Jacob pays us whether or not they stay in the house. Do you have the lighter?"

There was a metallic click of a lighter being opened and then silence. Bella hoped that meant they had left. Just underneath Alexis's door, where there was a crack between the bottom of the door frame and the floor, Bella saw something orange. Smoke was coming in through the crack.

Rolling from underneath the bed, Bella frantically looked around the room for a way out. She didn't want to go out the front door and risk seeing those two men. The only way out was through the window.

A blast of cold air hit her when she opened it, but she ignored it as she picked Alexis up and put her down just below the windowsill. The smoke was coming in thicker, and Bella could hear the crackling of a fire as she climbed out the window as well. There was no one in sight as Bella pulled Alexis through the snow away from the house. The road was clear when they crossed way from the house. Once they were in front, Bella could see what had been done.

There was thick smoke coming out the front window. The house was on fire. Bella knew she should go and get help, but as she stood staring at the house, she felt numb and frozen to the spot.

Bella's feet and back ached as she wiped down the table. The afternoon lunch was over, and the restaurant Bella was currently working at was quiet. She had only been able to find part time jobs since moving to Forks. They weren't much, but it helped her feel productive and that she was moving forward with her life.

After another half hour of taking orders and cleaning tables, Bella's shift finally ended. She couldn't wait to get off of her feet and rest for a bit.

Outside, the day was finally starting to get a tad bit warmer. It was a welcomed relief from the bitter cold that always seemed to cover this tiny town. Bella had been staying with the Clearwaters for several months since she'd left the last shelter in Seattle. Mrs. Clearwater had kept to her word and had helped Bella regain her balance and get back on her feet. Mr. Clearwater had accepted Bella with open arms into his home. She'd been worried how he would react to a stranger staying with them, but it seemed he and Mrs. Clearwater had been cut from the same tree of kindness. Things weren't perfect, but it was finally looking up when compared to how it had been before. It wasn't home, but it was close enough.

Bella wasn't in possession of a vehicle, so she had to walk back to the house, but she didn't mind. Once it was warm out, the walk was pleasant so long as she watched out for the one or two puddles that were usually on the pathway.

The house was empty when she arrived, and whilst she was tired, she decided to stay outside and enjoy the fresh air for a moment. Mr. Clearwater had suffered a mild stroke several days before, and he was still in the hospital recovering. Mrs. Clearwater was with him, having barely left his side even for a moment.

There wasn't much to see sitting on the front porch of Mr. and Mrs. Clearwater's house. Just a lot of trees that created the illusion of security. There were two families with children on the street, and Bella sometimes watched them when she was outside. Seeing the small children did cause her to think of her own child. She was just a couple of months away from giving birth, and it terrified her. Mrs. Clearwater had helped her get into contact with an adoption agency. They were supposed to call her when they found a prospective family. Every time she thought of it, her palms began to sweat, and her mouth ran dry. She hoped she was making the right decision.

Bella shook her head slightly to try to get rid of the negative thoughts. Taking a deep breath, she looked out towards the road. Forks wasn't much. The rain and laidback lifestyle were something to get used to. On the outside it didn't seem like much, but for her, it represented much more. This was her chance to start a fresh. Sometimes, when Bella thought about all that had happened during the past few months, it felt like a really bad dream. A nightmare she didn't want to believe happened, but the fact that she was on the other side of the country, living as a lodger with a family she barely knew, was enough evidence that it hadn't been a dream.

Sitting on the front step, Bella allowed herself, for the first time in quite a while, to think about Edward. He'd been pushed to the back while her mind was focused on getting to safety. Now that she was at the end of her journey, she thought about him. Bella wasn't sure what she felt about him. The anger had resided leaving her feeling numb. Numb to everything he'd put her through and everything she'd suffered because of him. Mrs. Clearwater had asked her once whether or not she thought she could ever forgive Edward. Bella had flat out, vehemently denied that she ever could, and she still held to that resolution. The scars he'd left were too deep, too engrained in her skin for her ever to forget.

More than once in her life she'd been told that sometimes bad things happen so that a person can discover the strength they never knew they had. Bella had scoffed at the minister at her father's funeral when he'd said that then, and she still scoffed when she heard it now. She didn't feel any stronger. She felt fragile, weak and without hope. The only thing was that she was determined to keep moving despite all these feelings. Her determination to keep fighting was strong as ever. She'd come too far and risked too much to turn back now. Edward was her past, and she wanted to bury the memories of him there.

Bella hadn't said a word to Edward since he had arrived at the scene of the burning house. She had been so numb to it all that she hadn't put up much of a fight when he'd convinced her to go with him. Her mind barely acknowledged the fear and panic in his eyes. Now they were driving out of Forks. Edward said they were going to at hotel in Seattle and that it wasn't safe for them to stay in Forks, but his voice barely registered to Bella. She knew she had to be brave or at least put on a brave face for Alexis, but after five years of pretending to be brave, she wasn't sure she could anymore. There was no more fight left in her.

More than four hours later, Bella was sitting on one of the couches in the hotel's living room while Edward was in one of the bedrooms with Alexis. Alexis had fallen asleep during the ride to the hotel but had woken up as soon as they arrived. Despite the late hour, she had refused to sleep so Edward was lying with her until she fell asleep.

It was odd. Less than a year ago, she'd thought life was bad. It had been difficult, trying and not a day passed where it wasn't a struggle, and yet somehow, she'd managed to get through it. She'd had the strength then to continue despite all the challenges and hardships. This time was different. When things were supposed to have been easier, when she was supposed to have finally found her footing, everything literally went up in flames, and it wasn't hard to guess the source of the fire.

It took almost an hour for Alexis to fall back asleep, and when she did, Edward came out to the living room to see Bella. He sat on the couch opposite her. His eyes were weary. He could see that she was on the edge.

"How are you doing?" he asked. His voice was cautious. She didn't respond to him.

"Is there anything you need?" He seemed determined to hear her talk. Again, she remained silent.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. That got her attention.

"What are you sorry about?"

"I know that all of this is happening because of me."

If he was hoping she would not hold him accountable, he was wrong. She said nothing about his apology.

"I'm going to make it better," he promised.

"And how do you plan to do that?"

"I'll figure it out somehow. I'll do whatever it takes."

Bella shook her head. "That never seems to be enough. Do you ever notice that when you do things with the best intentions, I get screwed over?"

He didn't know how to respond to that.

"I was so stupid." She didn't seem to be talking to him. "I can't believe I actually thought that things would change. I should have known that even if you'd changed, things would get fucked up in the end. It's like the universe is making it glaringly obvious that we shouldn't be together. That I am a fool for even considering it. For letting you back into my life."

"That's not true. This is just a bump in the road."

Her eyes narrowed at him. "This is not a bump. It's a damn mountain."

"Maybe it's that you want it to be a mountain," Edward said. Frustration and anger was thick in his voice. "You never wanted to give us a second chance anyway."

"What do you want from me?" Bella yelled back, finally reaching her breaking point. Earlier, all the years of sadness had bubbled to the surface; this time it was the anger and resentment making its way to the front. "What more could you possibly want? After everything I've suffered because of you, after everything you've put me through, I still let you back into my life, into my daughter's life, even though any sane person never would have. Now look what happened. What more could you possible want from me?"

"Just a chance," Edward yelled back. It seemed Bella wasn't the only one with suppressed emotions needing to get out. "You've never given me a full chance to prove to you that I've changed. You say you have, but you never did. How am I supposed to prove to you, to be the husband and father I want to be, if you don't give me the chance to?"

A thought seemed to occur to Edward suddenly. "You can't possibley think I had something to do with what happened tonight," he said, horrified.

Bella shook her head angrily. "I know you didn't, but that doesn't matter. It happened because of you. Alexis being kidnapped happened because of you. Everything wrong that happened in my life happened because of you."

Standing up from the couch, Bella walked away from him until she was on the other side of the room. Once she'd reached as far as the room allowed, she turned around and looked at him. She wasn't the only one suffering there tonight, and it was time to finally come clean. It was time for her to finally express herself fully, and the angry state she was in allowed her to give her best speech yet.

"I know what you want. You want things to just go back to normal, for us to just go off into the wind like nothing happened, for me to just open myself up to you completely. Like we're in some fairy tale. News flash, this isn't a fairy tale. If I make a mistake, I can't just skip over the bad parts to get to the good part. If I mess this up, it isn't just me who's going to be hurt." Angry tears formed in Bella's eyes. "I can't do it. I can't just move on. I lost my entire life because of you. I lost everything because of you. And it's not just me. How do you think Renee feels? I had to beg her to get her to leave. The night before she left, she had a panic attack because she was afraid I'd disappear again. Did you know she comes into the bedroom where Alexis and I sleep at least three times during the night to make sure I'm still there?" She was hurting him— she knew it but she'd been holding these emotions in for so long, she had to let it out. "I can't even look at Alexis without remembering the fucked up journey that led to her coming to be. Do you have any idea what it's like to look at someone you love and have them remind you of someone you hate? I can never look at you and not remember everything that happened." Her voice broke for a moment but taking a deep breath she continued. "But despite all that I still gave you a chance. And you're right, you did show me that you'd changed. You've been kind and sweet and generous these last few months. You've bowed to my every will, met my every demand and done everything in your power to make up for what you'd done. But I can't let it go. You can't fix all that time of torture with just a few acts of generosity. I can't heal so quickly." The pain on Edward's face made Bella's mouth run dry, and her words broke off.

"I know I can't take it back." Whilst his voice was soft, the pain in it was very loud. "I know I can never take back what I did or what I took from you. I know I can't take back any of it, and I'm sorry, Bella. I can never begin to explain how sorry I am. I just wanted you to forgive me…" His voice trailed off as Bella began shaking her head.

"I know you want me to, but I can never forgive you for it, Edward. This isn't just about Jacob or Esme or Carlisle or anyone in your family. This is about you. This is about how deeply you hurt me, and I'm not talking about the physical abuse. I loved you so much, and you hurt me. I'm sorry, but I can't forgive you now, and I don't think I can forgive you—ever."

Despite the deep ache in her chest, Bella took a deep breath before continuing. This might be the only opportunity to say what she needed to say. "I'm not saying this to purposely hurt you. I'm just saying this because you deserve to know. It's not fair to you, and you shouldn't waste your time trying to please someone who doesn't want you to please them. You keep saying that I deserve better, but so do you. I'm not the only one that needs to heal from this, you do too, and I don't think we'll ever be able to truly heal if you're trying to tie us to each other. You were right. I haven't given you a full chance because I don't want to give you a full chance."

"So where do we go from here?" Edward asked.

"I just want to get past this thing with Jacob." Her tears had finally stop.

Edward looked away from her for a moment before he met her eyes again. "I'll take care of the Jacob problem. After that I'll take you wherever you want." He didn't wait for her reply. He just walked out the door without a backward glance.

Once he was gone, Bella went to the nearest chair and sat down. Her hands were shaking. She waited for the tears to come, but they never did. She'd cried enough for one day.

Endless thanks to TwilightMom505, kitchmill and wime09