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Hey people, please be gentle when you decide to review this, its my first time writting a guys POV (for those of you who read the previous author note, i did decide to write it, so here it is). I just said....the hell with it....and wrote what came to my mind. I dont know if i did a good job, but quite frankly, while i think the idea is good, i believe the writting sucks bananas....this is why i need a beta. *sigh* . So i repeat, be gentle. It's a first for me okay? If you feel the absolute need to tell me how much i should just quit writting...go ahead....but write down what i need to improve in the process alright?
thank you.
I am a little exited to post this up but it's more nerves than anything. Btw you should listen to the song written down there. Hypnotize is quite amazing and it fueled my writting. Check it out, get something positive out of this chapter. Some good music :D. If it's too femenine and i should take it down......please tell me so!.... i might not listent to you but if enough people review saying so....i will.
p.s. if ayone is still interested in writting the guys pov review or pm. thanks.
Last goodbye.
Read on. Review. Try to Enjoy.
Here we go.
"Propaganda leaves us blinded"
-System of a Down, Hypnotize
Jasper, Part 1
Her tear rimed face haunted me every time I closed my eyes, every time I killed a poor innocent soul. Everything I did was for a victory that felt forever in the horizon but was never within my grasp. A fucking war I could not get out of. Yet I did it all for her. I don't know if what I felt for that tiny piece of a woman was love, though I'd told her as such, but something was there, intense enough to be close to the word and the emotion behind it. The potential was there, but it was festering inside us, not being let out. This thing, this feeling was caged by insecurities and morals that love had no qualms about but that we had been raised with. It was strange that I feel such emotions for a person younger than me. True, she wasn't young by that many years and I'd heard of couples with age gaps larger than ours but the doubt was still there. Rotting something that should have flourished. If only I was able to allow the feelings to course through me when she had told me that she wanted me to kiss her.
If only I hadn't fucked up so badly.
She had wanted my lips on hers. Her way of requesting such a thing was unorthodox and maybe that's why I'd dismissed it as some teenage crush. That she didn't really feel half of what I did. My anger had been unjustified. To this day I can't explain away the coldness in my voice, the reasonable and patronizing tone I'd use with her n order to explain things I didn't even fully comprehend.
I'd been too ready to dismiss everything. I wanted to forget it and return to old ways of our friendship. To return to the easy banter would have been deeply gratifying, to have her jump up and tell me it was all a farce would have crushed me but elated me at the same time because I was ready to joke and be a brother to her (no matter the deep feelings she was able to conjure up inside me). I was not ready, however to understand and accept that she looked at me as more than just a sibling and that I returned the feeling full force.
Her voice held uncertainty as she'd confessed what she truly wanted and I'd frozen. Frozen over solid because the thing I feared and yearned for the most had become a sudden reality. She wanted me to kiss her. I'd been eighteen then and more than ready to assess to the fact that I thought myself king of the world because I had believed to be. Now I understood more fully that it was just the hormones talking, the testosterone messing with my brain.
All teenagers think they are immortal when they are that young.
I'd misjudged the situation and manipulated it to what I wanted it to be. I wanted her to be lying, for her feelings only to be superficial. I wanted and repelled her at the same time. I was scared shitless when faced with my dreams. Because I had dreamed. Dreamed of every possible scenario and yes maybe that made me a bit of a creep but it was all I could do to be close to her body and not combust on the spot. The urges always took me by surprise, one moment she would be Alice, the girl I had known through her awkward years as she had witnessed mine- my sister in all intends and purposes - , and then with a swift move of her hip, or a rise in her shirt that revealed smooth and pale skin, she would become Alice the seductress. Unaware of the power she awakened within me.
It was too confusing.
And I was one to need even ground.
Either she was my sister or she was a woman that I desired.
It frustrated me to no end that I couldn't find a middle ground.
Maybe because I wasn't supposed to.
Maybe because she couldn't be both.
When she had come forth with her request I'd chosen the former. I'd regretted it later and if I was being honest with myself, I regretted the moment she refused my touch. Albeit she was right to refuse, I'd treated her feelings lightly. I'd called her out on how foolish it was for her to feel anything for me, how it was silly, she was confusing what she felt for me and what she wanted to feel for me because let's face it folks, choosing me was a safe bet.
I'd been so wrong to think I was right.
I was okay with her anger, in fact I wanted it. I was ready for it only so that I could show her that I was right and she was wrong. I was older, I had to be wiser. But yet when I was unsure of my emotions, she wasn't. Not to say she wasn't insecure, she was, she'd told me as much, but she held a firm grip on what she felt. I had no such luck in the matter. The transition of her view of me had been smooth and gradual; at least I suspected it to be. Mine had been abrupt and was still molding it self to show me what I felt for her exactly.
I was not ready for her defeat. I was not ready to see the light leave her eyes. And as much as I wanted to comfort her and bring her back to life I knew I couldn't. In that moment I was the last person she would seek out to comfort her. I had been the cause for her pain. I couldn't fix it, even though as I watched her walk away I knew I had to.
I just didn't know where to start.
**
Emmett was supposed to arrive two weeks later and I wasn't sure how I would be able to face him. He would cheer Alice some and he would most likely get the answer out of her if she hadn't all ready told Edward. And he would surely beat me up soon enough. Not for being a confused jackass, I was sure he could respect that but he would beat me to pulp for not handling it well.
And I hadn't.
I would accept it because it was what I deserved. After she had gone to bed I'd followed quickly to my own room. I didn't sleep. If anything, I the scene played in my head one hundred or so times and I couldn't help but see a different ending to each. All of them involved more explaining on my part. I could have, no, should have explained to her how new all of it was.
But I didn't.
The next day no one said anything. She hadn't told them. And that further proved that she could handle anything while I would take the easy and cowardly way out. I remember Bella trying to help. And I'm sure Alice told her enough that she felt the need to confront me. In fact, the girl beat me. Not physically but emotionally. By the time the end of the two weeks came Alice seemed marginally better but we must have resembled each other. Two lifeless bodies. I'd had the –oh–so–fortunate luck of realizing that my feelings had only grown stronger.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
Bella had made both of us along with Edward gather in the living room. Apparently we were being immature because we were avoiding each other and we needed to greet Emmett properly. Emmett didn't show up that day and I vaguely remember Bella crying the next. Not much after that. Human memories aren't solid and time only blurs then further.
What I do remember is carrying Alice. I don't know why but I remember putting her down on her bed and sitting next to her. The urge to touch her had been overpowering and since she seemed to be sleeping I dared to trace my hand across her face. Selfish yes, but I was a greedy monster and any chance that presented itself to me I would take. What happened next is hazy and blurred into one feeling.
Numbness.
There must have been something before that. Another feeling, but my body must have shut down. I see myself kissing her and then looking at the door. Her now tear filled eyes giving me a small nod. I see myself walking away and every time, every fucking time I go through this memory I scream at myself to do something, anything but walk away.
I didn't speak to Alice after that. The kiss had somehow sealed something, cemented it to a reality. Unlike most kisses that allow a relationship to flourish, ours only served to engrave in our minds what we knew to be true. We couldn't be together.
Things were past simple solutions and heartfelt apologies. There was too much damage.
But it's in the past. And the past can't be changed. No matter how many times you dream up different scenarios.
I still couldn't handle my thirst around humans after one year of being a vampire but even if Alice had survived the influenza epidemic, I wasn't sure if I could handle the scent of her blood. She'd smelled wonderful to my human senses; I could only imagine what that would do to my now heightened sense of smell. No, I couldn't risk loosing her to my nature but I still ventured close to where they kept her by then.
I'd smelled vampire the minute I hit the edge of the forest that served as hiking ground for recovery patients. I'd been angered to see Alice missing among the small group. There was nothing wrong with her head. Absolutely nothing was fucking wrong. SHE was perfect but they didn't know that.
It took me two years to finally gather the courage to break her out of there. I told you, I was a coward. The hesitation had mainly to do with my inability to control my gift and the urge to drink off every drop of every human that passed by me. I didn't want to kill her. I swear I didn't. I did keep tabs on her though; I made sure the fuck ups that worked in the place didn't hurt her. I made sure of that. I kept her alive that long. It may not excuse what I did but maybe I would be able to use it as proof that I wasn't a complete monster when judgment day arrived.
That night, every ounce of self control I had was shattered when she crashed through the window. I'd been unable to know the outcome of the fight but I had initiated it. I'd focused my anger at James and made sure that Gabriel's feelings toward Alice were intensified that night. Enough so that he would finally act upon the urge to run away with her. I had expected him to succumb to James's will, he always did but as I saw him cradle her body to his forcibly I'd become furious and my anger had only served fuel his bravery.
Things had gone so wrong.
Gabriel had attempted to run away and instead succeeded in hurting Alice. He'd lost his grip on her and I'd watched as she had flown through the glass. My body reacted and rushed to catch her. The impact broke a few of her bones but I was too elated to notice. She was in my arms, in my fucking arms again.
That's when I noticed the blood.
The glass had cut into her skin and her blood was flowing freely over my clothing. Her scent was clouding my judgment and I unconsciously pulled her body to me. She screamed out and it momentarily helped bring me back to reality. If only for a moment. In that second I realized what I'd been about to do and the horror made my limbs put her down. I ran.
If only she hadn't called my name. If only she hadn't remembered me.
I was a good 20 miles into the forest when her soft whisper had called out my name. A small name… Jasper, but it had undone me. I'd crashed to the ground and cried. Of course no tears came but the gut retching feeling was still there. I growled. The army had taught be not to show emotions, just anger, anger for your country, anger for the enemy. It made killing easier to bear.
The ground shook with each fist I threw upon it; I could not go back to her! I would harm her and then the real hell would begin. A world without Alice was a world without light. Even if I couldn't bask in its glow closely I could still be a spectator and enjoy the warmth it gave off. I could not stand for that light to go out, to be tarnished and never flicker back to life.
But that's what I did.
She cried out once more and as I ran back I could see James land next to her start to suck her wrist. She screamed my name again….things take a red glow from there. Even in my memories. The thought of James harming her…of taking her…. Of…. A deep growl erupted through my mouth. He would not take her.
Never.
I remember tearing his limbs, not the actual act but the sounds of ripping skin and sweet venom. I'd lost control and in that haze my instincts had smelled sweet, mouthwatering blood. The beast wanted to feast at its victory and the source was right there. I acted without thinking.
In the seconds that followed my mouth was at Alice's throat… sucking the life out of her. And she was caressing my neck. The simultaneous feeling of her blood in my mouth and her hands in my hair were too much and I lost myself. As her hands went limp against my scalp I retreated. Even the sight of her blood, though she was dead made my mouth pool with venom. It dripped from my mouth to her throat. The change would not occur now. The animal was full and I felt sense settle into my mind. The haze lifted.
That's when I felt incoherent screams flow throughout my mind. My mouth made no sound. I couldn't move.
I would give nor receive the chance to salvage what we had both left behind. My cries resonated throughout the dark night.
I pulled Alice to me. Her body laid limps in my arms as I breathed her in.
Her scent slowly lost it's intensity.
I crushed her closer.