Synopsis:

After a forced marriage filled with violence, Bella escapes from Edward with their unborn child. Almost four years later, Edward has found her and their daughter and he refuses to let them go.

"This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something."

- Elizabeth Gilbert

Chapter 33

Better Off

"Lexi, let her sleep for a little bit more," a voice said. Bella barely recognized the voice as Renee's.

"But it's morning. She has to wake up." Something began poking Bella on the cheek. "She has to see what Santa brought."

"The presents will still be there when she wakes up later," Renee said just as the poking stopped.

"Yes, but the sun is up, so Mommy has to be up too," Alexis replied.

In Bella's groggy state, she began to wonder if she stayed still enough, if Alexis would think she was dead and leave her alone. As her mind began to clear from the fog of sleep, she realised that wasn't going to happen. Odds were, Alexis would just drag her body into the living room to see what was under the Christmas tree. Sure enough, the poking started again.

"Okay, I'm up," Bella said without opening her eyes. It was silent for a few minutes before Alexis's voice broke it.

"You're not moving so you're not up."

Opening one eye, Bella peeked up at her. A smile broke out on Alexis's face at that. "Merry Christmas," she said.

Bella eyed her for a moment before she smiled slightly. "Merry Christmas. Now will you give me a moment?"

"Okay," Alexis replied.

Bella closed her eyes, but she could sense that Alexis had not moved an inch. Groaning slightly, Bella finally sat up.

"Happy?" she asked.

Alexis nodded.

Twenty minutes later, Bella finally emerged into the hotel's living room where a bouncing Alexis and smiling Renee were waiting for her.

"I tried to keep her preoccupied for as long as possible," Renee explained.

"Thanks for trying, and Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas." Renee walked forward and gave her a hug. When Bella was about to pull away, Renee held onto her just a little bit tighter. "I'm glad I get to spend this Christmas with you and Alexis," she whispered. Her voice quivered with emotion. When Bella pulled away, she saw that there were tears in her eyes.

"Come on, Mommy," Alexis called. "We have to open presents."

As Bella soon realised, when Alexis said they had to open presents, what she meant was Bella had to sit and watch while she opened everyone's presents including Bella's and Renee's.

It had been a mad dash for Bella after getting settled in Seattle to salvage Alexis's Christmas. Everything she'd bought to celebrate had been destroyed in the fire. The word around town was that faulty wiring had caused the blaze. It was the story Edward had bribed members of the fire department to believe, and it was the story Bella had told Renee. Even as she told her what had happened, Bella could see Renee did not fully believe her story. Maybe it was because of everything that had happened or maybe it was because Renee just knew her daughter, but either way, Renee knew something was wrong. Regardless, Bella could see getting Renee to leave again would not be easy.

While Alexis played with her latest noisemaker, Bella sat on the floor close by, her head pressed against the couch. Her eyes were closed so she didn't notice Renee sit beside her until she felt someone take her hand. It was then Bella opened her eyes.

"She really likes that toy guitar," Renee said, indicating where Alexis was tinkering with the buttons.

"She does. It was the last one. I'm glad I got it." As always, the appeal for that gift didn't last long, and before she knew it, Alexis moved to the next one.

"I'm really glad I can spend this Christmas with you and Alexis," Renee said again. "When you were gone, the first Christmas without you was a hard one. I kept hoping you'd walk through the door at any moment. I didn't care what you'd done or what had happened. I just wanted you back." She looked towards Alexis again.

"I often pictured what it would be like to celebrate another Christmas with you. I never pictured I would also get to spend it with my granddaughter."

"Christmases weren't easy before for Alexis and I either," Bella admitted softly. Renee's eyes widened ever so slightly at Bella's admission. "I wasn't making much so it took a lot of creativity. Actually, every day was a struggle to make ends meet. I could only afford one present a year."

"Edward?" Of course, Renee would ask about Edward. Edward's family had a lot of money so the obvious answer would be he would provide for Alexis, and by extension, Bella.

"Edward hasn't always been in the picture," Bella said slowly.

Renee nodded, and Bella could see she was burning with more questions, but she was afraid to push it. This was the first time Bella had actually spoken to her about what had happened during those lost years. Renee waited a moment to see if Bella would elaborate. When several moments passed without Bella going on, Renee sighed. It was something she had to come to terms with in their relationship. The fact that Bella would only speak of those lost years if and when she was ready, and not a moment before.

"What time is Edward coming for her?" she asked.

"Around twelve."

"Are you going with them?"

Bella paused only for a second. "No."

Bella looked back at Alexis, who was making a second round with her toys. The appeal of each only lasted for several minutes before she moved to the next. There were moments just like this, when Bella really looked at her, where Alexis looked so much like Edward. Looking at her now, Bella was reminded of the first time she'd seen her and those early days of motherhood.

The sharp pain in her stomach was keeping Bella awake late one night. It was dull now, compared to how it had been several hours ago, thanks to the pain relievers the nurse had given her. In her agitated state, the constant beeping of the machines was grinding on her nerves. She wanted so badly just to push the baby out and be done with it, but they'd told her it wasn't time yet. With her fists clenched in pain, Bella looked about the empty room. The ward was quiet now compared to how it had been a few hours ago. In order to distract herself from the pain, she tried to absorb herself in painful thoughts.

It had been four weeks since Mr. Clearwater had passed away and only two and a half since Mrs. Clearwater had tearfully told Bella she couldn't stay in the house where the memory of her husband was so strong. She'd made plans to move in with her sister out of state. Bella had assumed that meant she would have to leave, and already she had been dreading having to go out into the world again. Mrs. Clearwater had calmed those fears right away when she'd told Bella she was giving the house to her. Bella had refused it right away, but Mrs. Clearwater had insisted. She had moved out a few days later, and Bella was sad to see her go, especially after she'd made such a life changing decision.

A few days before Mr. Clearwater had died, Bella had gotten a response from the adoption agency who had found a potential family for the baby. Bella had met the family once, and as the social worker had promised, they were really nice and seemed very keen about the prospect of having a child. After talking with them for more than an hour, Bella had gone back to the agency to finalize the details. It was then she'd told the social worker she'd changed her mind. She wanted to keep the baby.

"Are you sure?" the worker had asked.

"No," Bella had replied. "I've not been sure of a lot of things these past several months, but I've made it somehow."

Looking back now, Bella had assumed that once she'd made the decision, she would find some sense of calm. The panic attack she'd had when she'd reached home that same day proved otherwise. Since then, there had been many moments where she'd wanted to call back to the agency and tell them she'd changed her mind, but she always stopped herself.

Lying there, Bella thought briefly about her child. Keeping the baby meant she would be inadvertently sealing a part of Edward to her for the rest of her life. It would be one thing if the child was living in some other state and Bella never had to see it, but now that she was keeping it meant every day she would have to live with the reminder of what had happened. She would have to live with the reminder of Edward. A tiny reminder who wouldn't have the slightest idea of the journey it took to get here and the journey still ahead of her. Every time Bella thought about the future, a chill ran through her body, so she tried not to do that.

Almost nine hours later, Bella finally laid eyes on her child. A brown-eyed, black-haired bundle who probably couldn't understand why her mother looked down at her with a terrified expression while the nurses all smiled at her. Bella couldn't stop staring at the baby. It took her a while to realise that the nurse was asking her questions.

"Name?" the nurse asked.

"Alexis Emily," Bella responded, still unable to take her eyes off the baby.

"Father?" the nurse asked.

Bella just shook her head in response. The nurse gave her an understanding nod before she wrote a few more things down and was preparing to leave her.

"Now what?" Bella called out to her.

She watched Bella with a confused look. "Well, a nurse will be in soon to take her to finish checking her, but she'll bring her back to you later."

"And then?"

"After a few days, you can take her home," the nurse replied patiently.

Bella's eyes seemed to widen at that. The nurse smiled sympathetically when she realised that was the source of Bella's fear.

"It will be okay," the nurse said.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do from here on out," Bella said, her voice shaking slightly.

"Don't worry, dear," the nurse said as she opened the door to leave. "Most new parents don't." Then she closed the door and left them alone.

A knock at the door woke Bella abruptly from her sleep. Alexis had left some time ago to spend the rest of Christmas with Edward. The second she'd left, Bella had gone back to bed only to be awoken by the knocking.

Stumbling to the door, Bella threw it open without checking who it was first. At the sight of her visitor, sleep vanished, and she was suddenly wide awake.

"If it's Edward you're looking for, he's not here," Bella said harshly.

Esme looked a little lost for words for a moment before she took a deep breath and spoke. "I actually came to see you," she said. Bella couldn't imagine why Esme would drive all the way out here just to see her, but she suspected the present tucked under Esme's arm had something to do with it. Surely Esme knew Bella wouldn't give Alexis any present from her. That Christmas present was going to meet the same fate as the birthday present.

"Well, I don't want to see you," Bella replied.

Bella made to close the door, but Esme caught it by the handle. "Please," she said. "I just want to talk. I know Alexis is with Edward right now, and I want to speak with you before he realises I'm here. He would be angry if he knew, but I just wanted to give Alexis a gift and speak to you."

"Esme?" a voice said from behind Bella. Turning, Bella saw Renee standing in the doorway to the living room.

"Mrs. Swan," Esme said with a small smile as she pulled her hand away from the doorknob. "How are you?"

"I'm alright." Renee did not return Esme's smile. She looked to Bella instead. "Bella, is everything okay?"

"Yes, Esme just passed by to say Merry Christmas," Bella replied while watching Esme.

"Please, just give me fifteen minutes. I promise I won't bother you after that," Esme whispered to her.

"You Cullens aren't known for keeping promises," Bella whispered back. Her better judgement told her to slam the door in Esme's face and walk away. This was the woman who put her through even more hell when she was already in a hellish situation in Chicago. There was nothing Esme could say that would change the way Bella felt about her, but at the same time, she was curious.

"Fifteen minutes is all I ask."

Bella watched her for a brief moment. Turning to Renee, she said, "I'll be right back."

Renee looked at her uncertainly. For the briefest of moments, the guilt Bella felt at how much at how much her mother had been kept in the dark came back to her. She hated keeping secrets from her mother, but the thought of telling her, and possibly hurting her even more, kept her silent.

"I'm not giving her that gift," Bella said as she reached around the door to get her jacket.

Esme seemed disappointed for a moment before she nodded. She tucked the gift further under her arm while Bella closed the door. It was only then she remembered Edward had posted security close to her room. As she suspected, one of Edward's security members, Hunter, was there. The fact that Edward didn't come barging out of his room to confront Esme meant he'd already taken Alexis out for the afternoon. Bella guessed that was why Esme had come to her now.

"Bella, can I speak to you privately for a minute?" Hunter asked.

"Okay," Bella replied hesitantly. She'd never really spoken to any of Edward's security. They were just there in the background. The only reason she'd agreed to them without a fight was because she would rather Alexis be protected. So she'd swallowed her pride about having a babysitter and reluctantly agreed.

Hunter led Bella a few feet away from Esme before turning to speak to her.

"I've alerted Edward about Esme's unexpected arrival," Hunter confessed. Bella wasn't surprised.

"He asked me to tell you that he had nothing to do with her being here, and you don't have to see her if you don't want to."

"Okay. Tell Edward that I chose to see her," Bella said. "I prefer to see her in private so I ask that you remain here."

Hunter looked at her uncertainly. "I advise against that."

"I'm not very good at taking advice, and I prefer to speak to Esme privately," Bella said. "So if you'll excuse me."

Turning, she headed towards the elevators with Esme close behind her. Esme gave her a curious look as they entered the elevator. Hunter didn't follow them in, but Bella didn't doubt he would still follow.

Bella and Esme rode in silence down to the hotel's lobby and out into the cold Seattle air. Just left of the hotel's entrance was a pathway that led out to the hotel's small garden. The garden was empty now, and it was secluded enough that no one would overhear them. They walked along the freshly shoveled path until they reached the furthest bench from the pathway. It was the only bench not covered in snow because of a small awning that had been placed over it. Esme sat first, and after a brief moment of hesitation, Bella sat beside her.

"You have my attention now, so talk," Bella said.

Esme seemed caught off guard for a moment, but then she seemed to gather her thoughts before she spoke.

"I know words can never erase all the pain I've put you through, but Bella, I want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I have caused. I'm sorry for all the hurt I've put you through. I know these words can never make up for what I've done to you, how much I've hurt you, but for now, they are all I have to offer." Her voice broke off for a second before she started again. "I know you're angry and confused right now, but please know Edward loves you very much. He loves you so much, and it kills him every day knowing what he did to you. He's not like Carlisle at all. He loves you enough to see what he's done wrong and to know when it is time to let you go."

"Is that why you wanted to talk to me?" Bella asked. "To argue Edward's case?"

Esme saw her words did not move Bella one bit. "No, I just wanted you to know," Esme replied softly.

"I still don't know. I still don't understand. You made my already hellish life in Chicago even worse," Bella said, letting her feelings out. Esme's eyes widened slightly at her outburst, but Bella didn't care. "And I couldn't understand why. What did I ever do to you to make you hate me? Why did you treat me like shit when it was your son who brought me into that situation? Why? Why did you hate me?" Bella hadn't meant to, but she'd yelled the last part.

"Because you fought back," Esme finally yelled. Esme let out a sad sigh as her eyes brimmed with tears. When she looked back at Bella, there was sadness and regret on her face. "You fought back." Her voice was now a whisper. "You had the courage to do what I couldn't for more than twenty years. You have to understand that I knew. I knew what staying with Carlisle was doing to Edward, Jasper and Emmett. Carlisle didn't even want to be with me. He would have let me go too, but I chose to stay. I let love delude me into thinking everything would be alright. Now look what it caused. Emmett and Jasper are just like him, and Edward was for some time. I kept telling myself it wasn't my fault they were like that. I kept telling myself there was no other path. I had to stay with him because that is what you do with someone you love."

Bella watched as Esme took a ragged deep breath before she continued.

"And then I met you. You, who refused to put up with whatever Edward threw at you. I knew you loved him. From the very first time I saw you together, I knew you loved him and cared deeply for him, and I assumed you would take the same path I did. You'd stay with him because you loved him despite all he did to you, but you didn't. You chose to end it with him. Even when he pined for you and begged you to stay. You refused to sacrifice your own worth to be with him. And for the first time, I came face to face with my own ugliness. I saw that I did have another path, and I was just too weak to take it." Esme buried her face in her hands, and when her body began to shake slightly, Bella realised she was crying. At that moment, Bella didn't know what to do so she just sat there waiting.

After several minutes, Esme took a deep breath and looked up. Her eyes were wet, and there were tear stains on her cheek. She wasn't looking at Bella now. Her gaze was locked on something just across the yard. Following her gaze, Bella saw what she was looking at, or rather, who she was looking at.

Edward was making his way slowly towards them. Bella wasn't sure how long he'd been there.

"Edward," Esme said, standing to meet him.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. There was no anger in his voice, just confusion.

"I'd wanted to speak to Bella and give Alexis her Christmas gift. I also wanted to see you."

Bella looked between them. She didn't think she should be privy to their conversation. Whether or not Edward wanted to speak to Esme no longer had anything to do with her.

"Where's Alexis?" Bella asked Edward.

"I dropped her upstairs with Renee."

Bella nodded, and then turning to Esme, she said, "I appreciate what you said, but for now, it doesn't change anything." Then she turned and left Edward to speak to his mother.

"Mommy, look at the doll Daddy bought me," Alexis said, running to Bella the moment she walked through the door.

"Oh, wow," Bella replied. It was one of those dolls Alexis had seen at a toy store and had wanted for quite a while. The problem was they were pretty pricey. Or at least, it was pricey for her.

There was another knock on the door then. The sound made Bella sigh.

"Why don't you go in the living room and finish playing with your toys. I'll come join you in a moment," Bella told Alexis, who nodded before going off.

When Bella opened the door again, it was Edward who stood just outside.

"I'm sorry about Esme," he said quickly. "I didn't know she would be here."

Bella just shrugged. She'd gotten used to her mother-in-law's unannounced presence by now.

"I've been meaning to give you this since earlier today," Edward said, holding out an envelope for her. "I just wasn't sure how to give it to you. I see now that sometimes the direct approach is best."

Bella opened her mouth to protest, but Edward cut her off. "Don't think of it as a Christmas gift. Just think of it as me wanting what's best for you."

Bella didn't know how to respond to that, so she just accepted the package.

"Do you still want to take Alexis for the rest of the day?" she asked, to which Edward nodded.

Bella called out to her. "Are you sure I'm staying with you this time?" Alexis asked as she walked towards Edward.

"Yes, I'm sure," he replied.

At that moment, there seemed to be so much Edward had wanted to say, but all he said was, "I'll see you tomorrow." He gave her one last sad smile before he and Alexis turned and went down the hallway.

Bella weighed the envelope in her hands as she closed the door. She quickly went to the bedroom to open it. Emptying the contents on the bed, she saw that there were stacks of papers. It took a few moments before her brain registered what she was seeing.

Stapled neatly together were the divorce papers. Edward had already signed his parts. All that was needed was just for her to sign her own name and date it. Bella's breath caught in her throat as she stared at the papers. It was then she noticed a small piece of paper on the first page of the document.

Attached by a paperclip, to the top, was a handwritten note from Edward.

It said,

"I'm sorry we didn't make it."

This is not the end, but we're so very close to it.

Endless thanks to Alice's White Rabbit, kitchmill and wime09.