Lillah's Story: Chapter 5

Author: Fianna Leighton LeGrey

Beta: none

Disclaimer: The usual, Tolkien does own rights to LOTR, and I use them with only the greatest respect.

Chapter 5:

The darkness seemed confining, even with the elven ability to see well enough, it still made Lillah uncomfortable, finding the shadows almost lurking behind her, making it difficult to relax. Elrohir was nearby with the horses, Legolas had gone to gather some firewood, while the majority of Lorién elves , including Haldir, had spread out around the perimeter of the camp to watch.

Elladan had gone hunting, but for just what was still not answered for he had not yet returned.

This made her fret even more.

She stared dismally at the fire, hardly big enough to provide much warmth, more for warming water for tea than anything else, nearly hidden by the ring of rocks and logs that circled around it. Lillah shifted, jerking a small stone from where it had poked her uncomfortably, tossing it aside.

"Perhaps you should sigh louder," Elrohir teased, folding himself down beside her as she watched, easing his long frame onto the ground. He picked up the rock she'd tossed, bouncing it in his hand. "I don't think Haldir heard you."

Lillah sniffed and wrapped her arms around her knees. "Why do you pick so?"

The elf lifted a brow and sat up, looking at her curiously. "Do I offend you?"

She glanced at him, measuring his seriousness. "No, but you do go on."

"Do I?" Elrohir mused. "Would it be better if I was stern like my father? Or Haldir?"

Lillah laughed briefly. "Heavens no, your father frightens me still, and Haldir . . .well, Haldir is who he is, I cannot say what makes him behave as he does."

Elrohir stretched back out, crossing his ankles, quite a fetching sight with his long hair brushing the ground as he studied her. "I can tell you some of why he is," the elf said quietly. "But you would still not understand his gravity. Nay, Haldir is, as you say, who is he, just as I am …well… who I am, with another not so different." He grinned, winking at her as she laughed.

"But I must tell you I worry about you both," he added after a moment.

She peered at him curiously. "You – worry?"

Elrohir made a face. "Aye, I worry, perhaps not that you can see," he teased. "But surely, I do. What are we to do when a fair elleth such as you has had to lose all that you care for. I cannot imagine the pain you must have felt. Yet," he paused, his expression grim, "yet I can, for I have only to look at Haldir to see the same emotion."

"That has been said before," Lillah replied.

"Indeed," Elrohir agreed. "You know of his trials in that fight, do you not?"

She nodded faintly.

"Ah, but do you realize how closely our famed March Warden came to death? In fact, Aragorn thought him gone, leaving him to lie among the dead on the rampart wall, while he had to return to the fighting." Elrohir frowned, marring his smooth brow. "Had not one of the Rohirrim remarked later to Aragorn, with Legolas near, it was odd to know someone had closed the elf's eyes that the two were struck by such a horrific thought they ran to where they had left him, not yet borne to the graves of the dead."

Lillah stared at Elrohir both horrified and entranced by his tale.

Elrohir shrugged casually, but his eyes had grown dark with the memory. "Had they not, Haldir may have been buried alive, wounded gravely that he was barely living as it was, but indeed alive."

Lillah sighed, her heart constricted at the thought. "But they found him then."

"Aye, and here he is, healed in body, yet not so fully in mind."

She blinked, confused as Elrohir sat up again to poke a stick at the tiny fire. "So why do you worry?"

"I worry that he will never be able to let go of his pain and that such a lovely elleth as you may not be enough to turn him from a melancholy and desperate path."

She did not know how to respond to that, for neither she nor Haldir had made any move in such a direction, even though she was deeply attracted to him, and fought that feeling as surely as she reveled in it. How different it seemed - this growing admiration for the elf, the comfort she felt when he was near -the warmth his gaze could ignite. What would it be like if he was interested, if she knew he looked at her . . . but no, she could not go there, he did not.

Elrohir's brows had risen, his silence measured as he watched her closely. "You cannot hide it."

She stared at the fire, her face suddenly heated. She was acting like a elfling, all giddy and hot. She was far beyond such things, she had married a man and had lost him. She had far more serious things to dwell on than her attraction to a very handsome elf.

She sighed again, resting her head on her knees as Elrohir chuckled. "It is not that bad, Lillah."

"Nay, but I cannot feel such things for someone so soon, Elrohir."

"Why can you not?" he declared. He leaned close to her side. "What better way to heal your heart than to give it to someone again?"

She looked up at him. "Why are you telling me this?"

Elrohir sighed this time. "Because you do not look at me like you do Haldir." He chuckled. "Besides, Haldir is far too fun to tease when his eye is set on someone, and better yet," Elrohir picked up her hand and kissed it. "It will draw him from the deep depression I have seen him carry on those broad shoulders of his." Elrohir grinned and then leaped to his feet. "Ah, it is about time, brother, I had thought perhaps you had returned to Imladris!"

Elladan strode into the camp carrying a couple of rabbits. "I would have been back sooner, but I tracked a small party of orcs south along the ridge line. I have told the others, and we are safe enough tonight," Elladan nodded at Lillah. "Tomorrow, however, we will travel much the same route, and I would rather find them before they find us."

"Indeed," Elrohir agreed, setting off with his brother to clean the rabbits.

Lillah watched them disappear toward the nearby stream, knowing there were others near, but still, the darkness once again seemed to close in, leaving her shivering near the fire.

~*~

She woke before dawn, the sky purple with stars, the moon just a glow behind the trees as it sank toward the horizon. Surprised, she blinked, finding an elf lying so near beside her that she could have touched him. Legolas lay on his back, his eyes open as he stared up into the sky, hands folded over his chest. He turned his head, lifting his fingers to place them over his lips for silence, gesturing with a faint nod behind her.

Lillah sat up carefully, shifting to find Haldir behind her, asleep, with one arm tossed over his eyes. He lay with one knee bent, his other hand twisted into the fabric of his cloak, his dreams clearly not restful at all.

Legolas touched her shoulder. "He held watch for most the night until Elrohir forced him to lie down."

Lillah pressed her hand against her chest, her heart pounding at the thought of him lying so close, wanting only to smooth the silken strands from his forehead as he slept.

Legolas grunted softly, sitting up. "He rarely sleeps near anyone these days, and refuses to admit he dreams the nightmares he does, but Elladan had to wake him twice for he does not rest at all, but surely replays that nightmare we all try to forget."

She glanced at the Mirkwood elf with a frown. "He would not like you to speak of it."

"Nay," Legolas agreed. "And I do not often do so. I will get some tea, and bring you and Haldir some, for he should wake shortly for he never sleeps past the dawn."

The elf fluidly rose to his feet, leaving her to sit staring at the sleeping warden.

He was not sleeping, however, she noted after a moment, for his hand had relaxed among the folds of his cloak, and she could see a glint of silver beneath his lashes, nearly hidden beneath his arm.

"Do you want to know what I dream as well?" he asked gruffly.

Lillah shook her head, she could imagine it too well. "Nay, Haldir, we meant no disrespect."

He snorted faintly. "I do not need your pity either. Do not stare so."

Lillah smiled, leaning forward toward the elf. "Why not? Can I not admire the handsome elf at my side, who lies beside me obviously to protect me should any orcs leap out from the wood."

She liked the twitch that curved his lips briefly.

"Besides, March Warden, it is not often one gets a chance to stare at so revered an elf, such a fine specimen of elven virility that I cannot simply resist."

He sat up. "Enough, I do not need your fabrications either."

Lillah laughed, touching his arm as he ran a hand through his hair. "Perhaps not, but spoken truthfully I assure you. Perhaps you might allow me to braid your hair," she said, looking up at him demurely. "You have um . . . tangled it, it is – " She gestured, trying not to giggle. "Askew."

Haldir frowned reaching up to check only to smile. "Indeed, a sleepless night does that often I fear. Your touch may be gentler than my brother's who seem to enjoy the pain they can cause."

Lillah moved behind him as he shifted to sit cross–legged, fingers folded under his chin. "Brothers tend to do things like that," she agreed, sifting the silver strands through her fingers. She heard him sigh contentedly as she rubbed the back of his head.

"You may do that for some time," he muttered.

Legolas approached the two of them, carrying two cups, which he handed to Haldir. "Ah, it is unfair, March Warden, to earn such services. I am next!" he declared with a grin, although the prince's braids were, as usual, pristine.

Haldir only smiled into his tea while Lillah deftly braided his hair.

"Tell me about your brother," Haldir said a few moments later.

Lillah paused in her braiding, hands frozen in mid air. "Rin?" she replied and then blinked. She laughed, resuming her work. "He is older than I by some years, protective as all older brothers must be."

"Indeed," Haldir agreed, hands folded once more under his chin. "It is an unavoidable necessity for older brothers."

Lillah laughed, but then sobered at the memories sweeping her thoughts. "He was so angry that I chose to leave, that I chose a mortal man to love. Yet he could not deny me the chance to do as I wanted. I missed him terribly all those years, for he did not visit but once."

"A painful occasion for both of you," Haldir said knowingly.

"Aye," Lillah agreed, tying the final length of Haldir's hair with a sigh. "But I have not seen him since. I do not even know if he has bonded anyone, or even what he does for Elrond."

"He is a ranger," Elrohir explained, crossing the camp to pull Haldir to his feet, and then Lillah. "And that is why I do not fear for his life. He knows the orcs and the land. We will find him well." Elrohir nodded at Haldir, eying his hair with a wicked smile, while Haldir ignored him.

Elrohir leaned next to Lillah. "I think we should make you a ranger as well, you have been able to soothe such as one as he. I would send you into a den of bears after such a feat!"

Lillah kicked his ankle and went to find her horse.

~*~

They followed the trail of the orcs for several leagues until it disappeared among the rocky terrain of the valley before them. Haldir held them back, grimly staring at the hills.

"We cannot follow, there is too much advantage for them to hide and then ambush us."

Elrohir had dismounted, crouching to stare at the valley, reins in hand with a sour expression. "We cannot just let them go, March Warden."

"Our mission is not to hunt orc, Elrohir, but to find Rinethel. To that end, we must give up the chase and return to our former path."

Elladan nodded. "Agreed, but we must ride warily, for the orcs are ever wily creatures and may have led us on a chase only to circle back behind us."

Haldir must have had similar thoughts for he frowned deeply with a glance at Lillah. "How far does your land yet lie?"

She stared at the hills. She had passed these valleys before. "Our home lay beyond the second ridge. We often quarried here for stones for the village."

Elladan shifted to speak quietly to Haldir. "This journey will end well, I have no concern of that for Rinethel, but for Lillah, in that I worry."

Haldir stared past the ranger, his gaze on Lillah as she studied the hills. "As do we all, Elladan. We must go on, however. She will lead us even with the pain."

Elladan's brows drew together in concern- his handsome face a grim echo of Haldir's feelings. "Aye, that she will. She is a strong elleth, our Lalaith. You would do well to remember that once she is again herself."

Haldir blinked and looked curiously at the Rivendell elf. "I would expect her to be nothing less than what I have seen so far."

An amused smile curved Elladan's lips. "You have not seen Lillah, as she likes to call herself now, as the happy and vivacious elf she once was. You should have seen what it was that drew the mortal to her side. She is a star amid the heavens, one that blinks so brightly you cannot help but be drawn to her light."

Haldir smiled. "I have seen it, and felt it, Elladan. I shall look forward to when she can glow once more with happiness."

He moved away, and did not see the grin Elladan flashed at his brother.

~*~

Lillah knew returning to the farm would be painful. Each step closer, traveled much the same as she had only recently fled, brought a familiar stab in her chest, a deep ache that made it difficult once more to breathe.

This time, however, she was not alone, she did not have to bear the grief without support, no longer the steel rod she had forced herself to be, but instead, an elleth with many hearts that bore her pain as surely as she did.

It comforted her to know they felt it so keenly from where they stood on the low ridge that overlooked what remained of her previous life.

"It is as you said, nothing but ashes," Legolas remarked, his gaze glinting icily as he looked at the wreckage below them.

Lillah nodded, unwilling to trust her voice, her throat thick with grief.

Haldir urged his horse down the steep bank, scattering rocks and gravel in a dusty cloud that nearly concealed the horse's hooves. Legolas followed, his striking knives criss-crossed on his back, blond hair bright against the dark green of his cloak.

Lillah could not yet manage her grief, and sat frozen, as her husband's horse waited, unmoving beneath her. Did he also remember? She knew he did - his affection for her husband always evident when they were near each other.

Elrohir moved beside her, as did Elladan. "You did not have to come," Elrohir declared in a soft voice, his blue eyes mirrors of his brother's concern.

Lillah blinked back the tears that threatened to fall. "Nay, not true, my friend. I had to come, to say good-bye."

Both twins nodded. "A farewell, although sad, Lillah, but still one with a future of much more than grief."

She sighed deeply. "At some point, yes. I will not say or even profess to know when it shall pass, but I have many to help comfort me." She gave them both a sad smile. "And knowing you, 'twill not be long before you prod and poke."

Elrohir reached out to pat her knee. "You have only to profess your love for me and I shall keep my twin from doing such teasing."

"Nay," Elladan argued, capturing her hand to kiss her palm. "She will love me more."

Lillah laughed, and pulled her hand free. "I love neither of you scoundrels, so leave me be. I shall endure." She urged her horse down the hill, but did not miss the chuckle from both elves behind her.

~*~

The twin's levity faded as quickly as it had come, their horses held back as they studied the remains of the barn. Dark haired and tall, they were duplicates, both faces expressionless, emotions hidden behind a stern façade that reminded the others of just who they were descended from.

Legolas circled the ashes, his blue eyes glinting still, mouth a thin line as he inspected what remained of the shelter where Lillah had dragged her kin.

Lillah stood in front of where the door would have been, hand clutched tightly to the folds of her cloak, holding it closed as if to ward off the memories that assailed her so violently.

The images slammed into her mind, both treasured and horrendous, times of joy and that of such sorrow she could not stop the tear that ran down her cheek.

Her husband, so fair, yet so mortal now in her mind, his life taken so quickly she hardly had time to really know him. The family that had accepted her without thought, kind and caring, a family she could not save from death. The orcs rushing toward them over the wall, axes and swords brandished high, laughing even as they killed.

The pain tore through her as keenly as it had before while her resolve to face it stoically fled, leaving her trembling, unable to stand. Lillah sank to her knees, and would have laid on the ground weeping but for the hand that caught her chin. Haldir knelt in front of her on one knee, his grey eyes searching hers even as she wept.

"Will you allow it to destroy you?" he asked.

"I should not have come," she said. "I thought I could bear it, but the pain is too great, Haldir."

"It is hard to bear, but you must accept what has happened and move on."

"Have you done so?" she hissed.

He drew back slightly, chin high. "I have. It is not an easy task, Lillah, but one you must face every day. Had I not, I would have been consumed by the anger of my loss long ago." He let go of her, rising to his feet. The wind swirled around them, bringing the smell of ashes, of death. It seemed to wrap around them both, fluttering the ends of the warden's cloak, lifting her hair to brush across her cheek like a grisly caress.

Haldir held out his hand. "Face it, accept it hurts, deeply, but then let it go, as much as you can."

She held her breath, nearly mesmerized by the shadows haunting Haldir's gaze. It was not easy, even for him. She released the pent up breath, taking his hand so he could lift her to her feet. The other elves watched them, expressions impassive, yet she knew they understood. She let go of the anchor that was Haldir's fingers with a shaky sigh, and then brushed away the tendrils of hair from her cheek.

"The orcs came from there," she said, pointing to a rocky hillside behind the main walls of the farm.

*~*

TBC