Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.
So sorry for the delay. Angular Kinematics took over my attention for longer than I had been planning. (And trust me, it's about as fun as it sounds!)
Thanks to everyone reading and reviewing! I get so excited every day when I see more alerts!
I think this is the longest chapter yet, so I hope you enjoy it.
Let me know what you think
- perfectshadeofdarkblue
Best Definition of Good Intentions
4 – I Wasn't Born to Be a Skeleton
As the final chords faded, those remaining around the fire bade their farewells, gathering their belongings and headed back to the parking lot. Alice danced over to Bella, embracing her as she spoke.
"I can't get over how beautiful your voice is! I wish you'd sing more." It was amazing how despite the late hour of night, or rather early hour of morning, Alice could keep the weariness out of her voice.
Bella only smiled, leading the group to the parking lot. Emmett and Rosalie waved as they took in Emmett's jeep. Alice threw her keys to Bella, who unlocked the car, whose yellow exterior shone brightly through the night, and got into the passenger seat. Bella turned the key in the ignition, turning the heat up and the radio on, while she waited for Alice to say goodnight to Jasper. When they had been sitting around the fire with Jasper, Angela had wandered over to them to explain that Ben was going to drive her home. Alice had shot a knowing look and wink at Angela, who simply blushed and walked back to where Ben was patiently waiting.
After a few minutes of basking in the warm air, Bella heard Jasper's engine start and Alice slide into the seat beside her.
"Ready for our sleep over?" Alice yelled excitedly in the small space.
"What I'm ready to do involves nothing more than a bed and my closed eyes," Bella glared at Alice.
The two girls rode in silence the rest of the way home. Bella tried to stay awake for Alice's benefit, making feeble attempts at conversation, but she didn't last very long. She rested her head against the cool glass of the window as the movement of the car lulled her in and out of consciousness. When the vehicle came to a halt, Bella jolted awake, suddenly aware of the lack of movement. She couldn't see anything in front of the vehicle but darkness so she looked over at Alice, whose exterior was the definition of calm.
"We're home, silly," Alice laughed, climbing out of the car.
Groggily, Bella followed a chipper Alice into the house and up to her room. Bella couldn't help noticing the utter stillness of the large house around her. Emmett must not have arrived home after bringing Rosalie to her house yet, and Bella assumed Alice's parents had long ago gone to bed. The two girls quietly changed into their pajamas and readied themselves for bed. Bella couldn't resist the invitation Alice's large, comfortable bed was sending her and she crawled in, nearly falling asleep instantly.
As Alice followed her example, turning off the bedside light and making herself comfortable, she whispered through the darkness, "We can talk about it in the morning."
Bella grunted in recognition and succumbed to the sleep.
Suddenly, light came pouring through the room. Bella's eyelids flew up but then closed again just as quickly as her pupil's fought to adjust to the new surge of light. She turned over onto her back and felt warmth lay across her cheeks. Exhaling, Bella realized how well-rested she felt, despite the rude awakening.
"Not cool, Alice," Bella groaned, keeping her eyes closed while throwing a pillow in the direction of the corner where she heard a distinct giggling.
"It's already ten, Bella! You've had enough sleep, time to get up!" Alice ran to Bella's bedside, uncovering and dragging her out of the bed.
Bella gave up struggling to avoid having her shoulder pulled out of its socket. Rubbing her now sore shoulder and rotating it, she said, "For such a petite girl, you're awfully strong."
"That's one advantage to growing up with Emmett," Alice smiled proudly as she brought Bella downstairs and into the kitchen where Esme was in her usual place in front of the stove.
"Alice requested French toast this morning, Bella. Is that alright with you or can I fix you something else?" Esme questioned, without taking her eyes off the breakfast masterpiece she was creating.
"French toast is fine. Thanks, Esme," Belle replied, sitting down at her usual place at the table after helping herself to a glass of juice from the refridgerator. She was shocked to see that the table normally bustling with activity was empty. "Where is everyone?"
"Another doctor took a sick day so Carlisle went in to help out. And Emmett's off running. Apparently, he has a big day planned for him and Rosalie, so he wanted to get his daily exercise out of the way beforehand. I tried telling him to sleep longer and that he'd survive one day of not working out, but he seemed rather convinced his muscles would deteriorate by day's end without it," Esme explained, pulling plates out of the mahogany cabinets.
Bella and Alice murmured their thanks as Esme set their plates down in front of them. Just as they were finishing their breakfast and bringing their plates into the kitchen to be washed, Emmett stormed into the house, bringing along with him the stench of sweat.
"Gosh, Emmett! Go take a shower!" Alice yelled towards the front of the house.
"Calm down, sis. I just walked in the door. At least give me a minute to catch my breath before you jump all over my case," Emmett defended as he grabbed a water bottle out of the kitchen and threw himself onto the couch.
"Oh no, you don't," Esme gave her son a knowing look.
"What?" Emmett looked up confused, not understanding what his mother was saying.
"You are not going to lie all over that couch smelling like that. Now go take a shower."
"But, Mom," Emmett whined.
"If you don't want to shower, that's fine," Esme corrected, and Emmett beamed feeling like he had won. "But you need to go outside," Esme finished.
"Are you serious?" Emmett looked shocked.
"Of course, I am. As much as I love you, I do not love the way you smell after working out." To prove her love, Esme walked over to Emmett, placing a kiss on the top of his head. "I doubt Rosalie would approve of that stench," Esme called after Emmett who was begrudgingly making his way up the stairs. "She'll be here in an hour."
Emmett quickened his pace. "Well, now, you tell me."
The woman remaining downstairs stole a laugh at Emmett's expense.
"Mention Rose, and of course he showers without argument," Alice laughed. It was a joke amongst the family that Emmett was whipped. They all knew Rosalie held a certain power over him. Even if they didn't understand it, they knew it existed. Anytime they wanted or needed something out of Emmett, a simple mention of his girlfriend's name caused him to bend to their wishes. Esme and Carlisle didn't seem to mind how much of an influence she had over their son because it was causing him to be a better man, and they certainly wouldn't complain with that result.
For the rest of the day, Bella spent her time at the Cullen's house. She couldn't think of any reason to go home. Her mother would probably still be at work until late tonight, quietly sneaking into the house only after Charlie and she were asleep, so Bella probably wouldn't see her until she returned from the school the next day. And even though Charlie had been sent fishing last night, all week he had been looking forward to spending today fishing with Billy and Harry at their usual spot. Bella would even go so far as to bet that Charlie wouldn't be home for dinner tonight. Not only did he love Harry's fish fry, but because he also probably realized the small chance that Renee would home. If she wasn't there, he saw no reason to be. Bella was amazed at her parents' ability to forget about her in comparison to their strained relationship.
After the late breakfast, Bella and Alice retreated back to her room, staring out her wall-sized window. In a matter of only a few seconds, the skies had opened up and a downpour was released. The girls, for lack of anything else to do, decided to work on some homework, starting with an English project that was due by week's end. They sat on the floor at the foot of the bed, watching the storm build over the green forest through the panel of glass that separated them from the outside world. There was a sudden crack of thunder that shook the entire house. The lights flickered off and they heard a gasp travel up the stair case. A few seconds later, the lights came back to life. Fearing a repeat performance, Alice and Bella carried their school books downstairs to be closer to the rest of the family.
Being downstairs just added to their distractions and hardly any work was completed. They spent a few minutes gossiping with each other about the previous night's bonfire. Suddenly, a knock on the door startled both of them.
"I'll get it!" Emmett shouted as he jumped down the stairs, allowing his new clean scent to waft throughout the house.
He opened the door to find a soaking wet Rosalie on the other side. Her naturally blonde hair was matted, dark, to her face. Usually dressed to the nines, today was no exception. However, the rain caused her form-fitting jeans to grasp her legs even tighter. Stepping into the house, she shed her rain jacket, which left her black v-neck shirt dry. The ends of her hair were in front of her shoulders, and now, no longer resting on waterproof fabric, jumped at the opportunity to spill their liquid. The shoulders of her t-shirt, as well as her exposed chest, were quickly covered in water droplets. Despite her rather ragged appearance, her beautiful face still held a smile. As she moved into the house, muttering a hello to those within earshot, she left Emmett in her wake. At the first glimpse of Rosalie's wet clothes hugging her model's body, his jaw dropped. He couldn't even pull himself together enough to close the door. Esme looked up at the sound of the wind howling through the door. Wordlessly, she stood up and walked past Emmett. As she was passing behind her son, she reached her arm up and tapped him on the back of the head - tapped him hard enough for him to snap him out of his fantasizing mind.
"Guess we need to change our plans," Rosalie said, turning to face her boyfriend, reveling in the approving look she received.
"Why don't we get you out of those wet clothes first," Emmett said, his eyes glued to her body.
"Emmett!" Esme tapped the back of his head harder this time.
"I meant, let me get you some clothes to change into," Emmett grabbed her hand, dragging Rosalie up the stairs as she and Esme shared a look and laughter. Esme knew she didn't need to call her son out on his behavior any further. She knew how much her son loved being with Rosalie and how he always treated her with respect. Boys will be boys, she thought. Besides, Rosalie could handle herself well enough when it came to Emmett's antics that Esme knew she did not need to interfere.
As soon as Alice and Bella managed to regain their focus, Emmett and Rosalie made their way back down the stairs. Rosalie's hair was still wet, but she had replaced her body-hugging clothes with a pair of Emmett's sweats. As disappointed as Emmett may have been that Rosalie had to change her outfit, he was even more pleased to see her in his own clothes, no matter how baggy they were on her.
"We're going to be out in the garage. Rose is going to help me do some work on the Jeep," Emmett explained as they walked towards the other end of the house.
"Where you found a beautiful girl who also likes cars, I don't know, Emmett. But you better treat her right so you don't lose that rare combination," Esme shot her son a look signifying that his antics earlier had not gone unnoticed, even if she hadn't thoroughly remarked on them.
When Alice heard the garage door shut, she looked up to see her mother had returned to reading the magazine open in her lap. "What work on the jeep?"
Esme looked up, "What was that, sweetie?"
"What work is Emmett planning on doing to his Jeep?" Alice repeated.
"Who knows? He's probably just taking it apart so he can put it back together. You know how boys are with their cars. And Rosalie, too, it seems," Esme trailed off. She shook her head, dispelling all the thoughts that had crept into her mind unexpected. "I'm going to go call your father. See what time he thinks he'll be coming home because of the storm." Before leaving the room she turned back to face Bella, "You're more than welcome to stay here for dinner tonight, honey. I really would rather you didn't go off driving in this weather. Just make sure you give your parents a call so they know we haven't kidnapped you."
Esme left the room, leaving the two girls in silence, working on their project for a few more minutes.
Bella was the first to break the silence, "I think I'll stay here for dinner tonight, either way."
"What?" Alice looked up. Clearly, she had actually been focusing on her work, unlike Bella.
Bella laughed and repeated slowly, "I said, I think I'll stay here for dinner anyway. My parents probably won't be home for it, and I really don't want to go home to an empty house."
"You can spend the night again!" Alice answered, excitedly. No matter how many times Bella had slept over at the Cullen's house, it was always thrilling for Alice. She cherished any time she got to spend with her best friend.
"As much as I would like to, Alice, I didn't bring anymore clothes. And no, I'm not going to wear yours to school tomorrow," Bella continued, cutting Alice off before she even had time to make a sound.
"Fine. I see how it is. You just want to be here for the food. You don't care about spending time with your best friend at all," Alice pouted.
"Oh, come off it." Bella playfully swatted Alice's arm, but the smaller girl was faster, grabbing Bella's wrist before it had time to connect. They glared at each other a moment, pretending to be mad, and then broke into a fit of laughter.
"Ugh. I don't want to do homework anymore. Let's watch a movie!" Alice told, not asked, Bella. She stood up and walked over to the television, grabbing the remote and selecting a movie off the shelf next to them. Bella took her usual place, stretched out on the love seat directly across the room from the television as Alice inserted the disc. Alice backed up to her usual spot, curling up in a corner of the couch, while commanding the DVD player with the remote. She reached over, turning the lamp beside her off, plunging them into the darkness. The only light available was the occasional flashes of lightning they could see through the glass wall, as well as the light that danced off the television screen. The Cullen's typically kept the lights off in their home during the day, to conserve energy, since the sun could shine through the entire back wall, when it actually was shining. However, with the sudden storm, no one had thought to turn any of the lights on. As the first scene played out before their eyes on the big screen television, Bella gasped with fright.
"I should have known you'd pick a scary movie at a time like this," Bella conveyed her annoyance.
"There's no better time!" Alice stated, completely unfazed by the horrific scenes unfolding before them.
Sometime during the movie, Bella pulled the blanket that was draped over the back of the couch over her, mostly using it to shield her eyes. When the movie was over, Bella still had her eyes squeezed shut.
"Seriously, Bella, it wasn't that bad," Alice said, walking over to the DVD player. "How about something happier now?" She said holding up another DVD.
"Sounds good to me!"
And so their afternoon continued. Sometime during their third movie, which Alice actually let Bella pick out, Emmett and Rosalie returned from the garage. They sat down on the floor together for only the few minutes it took for Emmett to get sick of watching the musical. He stood up, and Rosalie followed, announcing that she was leaving. After a long goodbye at the door, Alice and Bella could hear the engine of Rosalie's car start up and Emmett's loud footsteps as he returned to his room. As the movie continued, the weather outside cleared up. Bella and Alice allowed the lifting storm to also lift their spirits. They sang and danced along with the movie as its plot thickened and the characters ended up happy as the credits scrolled up the screen.
Twilight was settling in and Alice flicked on the lamp and removed the disc, replacing the DVD on the shelf. With perfect timing, Carlisle strolled in the door, looking preoccupied. Without a word, he went straight to his office to set his briefcase down and then wandered around the house until he found Esme.
"Is your dad alright?" Bella asked concerned.
"He probably just had a rough day at work," Alice shrugged.
Quiet overcame the house, and Alice sat beside Bella, staring out the large window in awe of the beauty of the forest after the storm. The sun had finally won its battle with the clouds, and the water evaporating from the trees and ground below was visible steam. Off in the distance, a faint rainbow arched across the sky, anchoring between two green, full mountains. They became lost in the simplicity of nature, leaving each other to their own thoughts.
"Girls, can we talk to you a minute?" Carlisle's voice rang out through the house. Bella stole a glance at Alice, who simply shrugged and helped the other to her feet. They heard Carlisle call out similarly to Emmett as they followed his voice to the kitchen table. They sat down, waiting for Emmett to join them. Not much passed before he deliberately walked down the stairs.
"What's up, Dad?" He said taking a seat across from Alice.
"I received some news today while I was at work that I need to share with my family," Carlisle's expression remained somber.
Bella looked around the table and interrupted before Carlisle had to chance to continue, "Do you want me to leave? I don't want to intrude on the family needing to be together."
"Bella, dear, you are never intruding. You are very much part of this family. And where this news may be a bit lost on you, I think it would make us all very happy for you to stay," Carlisle gave her a warm smile before letting his face fall flat. He stared at the table while continuing, "I got a phone call from a colleague back in Chicago. You all remember my good friend Dr. Masen?" He looked around the table, hoping for recognition from his children. Behind him, Esme placed her hands on his shoulders, giving him the support he needed to share the news.
"You mean Uncle Eddie? Dad, of course we remember him. We grew up with his family," Emmett was racking his brain to think if there was a different Dr. Masen that he was forgetting about. The only one he could think of was the man they called Uncle Eddie. He was very much to the Cullen children what Carlisle was to Bella. Uncle Eddie, who only tolerated being called that from his "niece" and "nephew," was more well-known as Dr. Edward Masen. He and Carlisle had become friends when they both attended medical school together. Dr. Masen had chosen cardiology as his specialty whereas Carlisle had developed an interest in emergency medicine. They were best friends throughout medical school and through their residencies at a hospital in Chicago. After finally finishing their respective programs, they both remained there, putting down new roots. They served as each other's best man, and even though Carlisle and Esme had adopted, they are the godparents for each other's children. It was heartbreaking for the two grown men to split up and go their separate ways when the Cullen's moved to Forks, though Carlisle was very good about keeping in touch. However, because they are both doctors, they lead very busy lives and are generally very tired when not working and as time passed their phone calls became more spread out.
"Right, yes," Carlisle was struggling with his words. "Well, I got a phone call before I left work from another doctor in Chicago, who knew how close Edward and I had been." He looked up, meeting the eyes of his children. They were anxious to know what was going on, but did not want to rush their father. They could see he was having a difficult time, which was something they never saw, and they weren't exactly sure how to respond.
"There was an accident last night," Carlisle decided to take the blunt approach. He repeated the facts much like he would to a waiting family in the hospital. "A car accident. He, and his wife Elizabeth, were driving home from the annual Benefit when another vehicle collided with theirs. Edward was pronounced dead on arrival and Elizabeth went straight into the operating room. She had severe internal damage. It was a miracle she even made it out of the OR. She died three hours later, while in the ICU." Having admitted the words, Carlisle allowed the tears to fall from his face.
Bella did not know who Dr. Masen or his wife Elizabeth were, but it was clear they had meant a lot to Carlisle. Sympathy flooded her veins, tears falling down her cheeks. She reached her hand across the table, gently placing it on top of Carlisle's folded hands. He breathed deeply to steady himself, then raised his eyes to meet Bella's gaze. She gave him a reassuringly smile, letting him know, without words, how truly sorry she felt that he was hurting like this. Next to and across from her, Alice and Emmett had their own tears. They backed their chairs away from the table, walking around to their father's place at its head. Leaning down, Alice wrapped her dainty arms around her father's shoulder, resting her own head against his as Emmett pulled his mother into one arm and his father into the other. As the strongest, he held them all tightly, showing that in his father's weakened state he could be the one they all looked to for strength, that he would be the one to help them through this. Carlisle turned his hands under Bella's, now holding her hand between his, making her a part of the sentiment. For a few moments, they all kept their eyes closed, remaining still, thinking of the lost lives that had meant so much to them. One by one, they reclaimed their seats around the table, preparing themselves for the practical conversations now that the news of the deaths had been shared. Alice was the first to speak.
"What about Edward?" Alice asked hesitantly. She was speaking of Edward, Jr., the son of Edward Sr. and Elizabeth. He was only a year older than she was, perfectly bridging the gap between her and Emmett. Alice thought her father certainly would have included the news of the young boy's death along with his parents, had there been that news to share. She felt hopeful that his life was spared, but her heart broke thinking of the tragedy he must be enduring now.
Carlisle steeled his face. "He did not go the Benefit this year. He is fine. Or healthy, at least. As fine as to be expected, I'm told," he reconciled. Carlisle couldn't imagine how the boy was taking the news of his parents' deaths and it only brought his mood further down to imagine being told news of this magnitude. He waited for more questions to arise, but when none came he realized that his family was just trying to process the horrifying information. He drew in a breath to tell the last of it. "The funerals will be held Thursday. I've already booked a flight for late tomorrow morning. We'll be staying through the weekend. I'll call the school in the morning to make sure they are aware of your absences. I know you both aren't thinking school right now, but it is important to not let your studies falter. Bella, would you mind filling Alice in on the work that needs to be done? And Emmett, have Rosalie do the same. I know you're graduating in the matter of weeks, but that does not mean you can stop working." He tried to convey his usual conviction, but couldn't give it his best effort.
The family remained silent for some time sitting around the table. Emmett excused himself to go call Rosalie before it was too late, altering Alice that she should probably inform Jasper that she wouldn't be in school this week. Bella made her excuses to head home, leaving a dismal Carlisle with his head in his hands as Esme comforted him as best she could through her own despair. Bella followed Alice up the stairs, noting the first time she was bounding with her usual energy. Once they reached the room, Bella gathered up her things and set her bag on the bed. Alice was simply sitting at the foot of the bed, staring at the wall.
"Hey," Bella tried breaking her out of the trance, but to no avail. "Hey. Hey!" she repeated, growing in volume each time.
Alice looked up in response and never before had Bella seen her look so distraught. Here was her best friend, who was always there to cheer her up and make her feel better when she felt as thought life was spiraling out of control, and when the roles were reversed, language became lost on Bella. It had always amazed her that Alice knew exactly what to say to comfort her, but now she found an entirely new respect for her friend's gift. Bella gathered Alice into her arms, holding her tight.
"It's going to be okay, Alice. Okay? Do you hear me? It's going to be okay. This is a horrible thing to happen, especially since you hadn't gotten to spend time with them lately. But they know you loved them, and they know you missed them when you moved. And, most importantly, they know how happy you are here. I'm sure Carlisle told them all about how life in Forks was working out for his family. They died knowing you have friends here who love you. And they died loving you. They've moved on, now - on to better and brighter things than this Earth has in store for the rest of us. Take solace in that, Alice. Know that they are now watching over you and will be there to guide you and help you when you need it. All you have to do it ask. Okay?" Bella pulled the frail Alice away from her body. Her eyes were now dry and she was strongly nodding her head.
"Thank you, Bella," Alice whispered weakly, squeezing her friend tight again.
"You call me anytime this week that you need to talk," Bella reminded her as she grabbed her bag and headed out the room. Bella was proud of herself for being able to comfort Alice. It made her feel as though she was useful for something in their friendship. Maybe all a person needs in a desperate situation is for someone to say they understand, someone to assure that it will be okay, someone to just listen and be there. As Bella walked past Emmett's room, she heard a loud sniffle. She peered into the room. Emmett was sitting in his desk chair, with his back to the desk, facing towards the door. Tears were rolling down his cheeks and he wiped them away angrily with his free hand, while his other held a small silver phone up to his ear.
Bella simply walked into the room, grabbed Emmett's free hand and gave it a gentle squeeze while giving him a sharp look of intensity. Silently, she communicated that if he ever needed to talk, she was there for him as much as she was there for Alice. They were part of her family after all. Emmett smiled in thanks and Bella left his room, continuing out to her truck.
Bella rode home in silence, not even turning the heat on. She didn't need or want any distractions from the thoughts that were flooding her mind. She pulled into her empty driveway, holding onto hope. When she walked into the dark, still, and very much empty house, that hope was shattered. She first went to the kitchen, opening the refridgerator, her eyes roaming over all its contents. She shut the door, realizing she was no longer in the mood to eat and made her way upstairs. Lying down on her bed, she closed her eyes so she wouldn't have to stare at the white ceiling overhead. It just made her feel all the more helpless. Exhaustion quickly took over her body. It was the end of the weekend and she felt exhausted. She was supposed to feel rested and relaxed, ready to start another week of school. Instead, she was looking ahead to the upcoming weekend because that's when Alice would be back. How could Bella look forward to a week of school when her best friend was off attending the funeral of her uncle? Tired of feeling sorry for herself, Bella stood up, turning on the radio as she walked into the bathroom. She needed to feel as though she weren't as alone as she was. She showered, letting the warm water and steam calm her, erasing the plaguing thoughts for the time being. As she dressed for bed, she heard Charlie moving around downstairs. Before closing her door, she called out to him to say that she was indeed home and that she was going to bed. She didn't bother to ask where her mother was because she already knew the answer. No need for confirmation.
Sleep did not come easy for Bella. She tossed and turned for the majority of the night. When she finally managed to ease into her R.E.M. cycle, her subconscious was littered with death and solitude. She woke at the sound of her alarm clock, looking out her window just in time to see Charlie pull out of the driveway, off to another day of work. She was glad to see that the weather was desolate to match her joyless mood. No reason to prolong the inevitable, she dressed for school. While eating her breakfast in the kitchen, she saw her mother's cell phone sitting in the same place she had set it on Saturday after answering the strange wrong number. It was just evidence that her mother had not returned home at all through the weekend.
School passed by in a slow blur the entire week, something Bella did not believe possible. Nothing stood out and the days ran together, mixing and melding together. But each day passed excruciatingly slow. She spent her class time focused on the second hand of the clock, instead of the lecture. She managed to make it through the whole week without being asked out by Mike, managed to make it through the whole week without really having a conversation with anyone. Her afternoons were spent at home, avoiding everything. She would just sit and stare out the window, waiting for her mother to return. Late Monday afternoon was the first Renee had returned home. She had immediately gone to take a shower and lay down. Not wanting to interrupt her mother's rest, Bella prepared dinner allowing Charlie to wake her up when he returned home from work. They spent a quiet evening together, not really doing much of anything. Charlie had a game on, while Bella pretended to do homework. Renee just sat on the couch, staring out the window with a longing look in her eyes. When she went back to the resort Tuesday morning, she didn't return again until Wednesday afternoon, and only then for a few hours. Enough time to take a relaxing shower and pack a new bag. In the blink of an eye, she was gone again. And this time she didn't come back until Friday night. As soon as she walked in the door, she claimed exhaustion and went straight to sleep. After the first time her mother had returned home and left in a hurry, Bella had retreated to her room, taking her place beside the window, staring aimlessly out into the forest that encroached on their land. The forest had always been slightly intimidating to her – all that unknown land could hold anything. She often wondered if the unknown was really all that much worse than the known.