OK. I'm sure everyone is tired of hearing this, but MY MODEM IS FAFFING AROUND ONCE AGAIN. Does anyone even KNOW what an authentication failure is, and, if so, I want one caught, skinned alive, roasted and served up on a plate to me. That's how much I want authentication failures to die.
OK. Out of my system. Now for the big news-
FINAL CHAPTER ALERT.
OK. I think I'm going to cry. Sounds ridiculous, but writing this has been one of the most important and meaningful things I've ever done. OK. I'm going to wave goodbye to all shreds of dignity I have left.
*Oscar acceptance speech* During this journey (sob) I really have changed so much. I think my writing style has developed and improved, I've become way more (sob) involved with reviews and I've met (met? Never actually...met, but you know what I mean) some really fantastic other writers, some amazingly dedicated reviewers, and a whole heap of lovely wonderful people. Sob. And it really has been the most enjoyable thing I've ever written. And I only hope it pans out something like this is real life. And here we go.
Sob.
Things fall apart. Ziva knows that better than anyone. Things might come together, collide, might even fall in love, but eventually, exhausted and indifferent, they break away and crumble into dust.
Tony does not crumble, and the nights are just as raw and pulsing. They splinter the nights, but they do not splinter themselves. He places callused hands on aching skin and angry blood cools and melts into him. He kisses the rage away, replaces it with something sweet and drowsing and infinitely soft. Something in her eyes dwindles when she looks at him, and she has never been so beautiful.
When Gibbs and Ziva walk out of the elevator, the air is static with apprehension and a humming intensity. Tony's eyes are like nothing either recognises, and it terrifies and humbles the man who thought he had seen everything.
"Gibbs, Ziva, what was...is everything...what's, uh, Gibbs, can I have a minute?" There is a look in his eyes that Ziva has never seen before, and frightened eyes and a frightened mouth do not stop him. The elevator doors shut, and she is left stranded in the sea of what she knew.
McGee is sitting at his desk with an open mouth and a painfully open heart, and he always has been, and he always will be.
"Uh, Ziva? I just, wanted to, uh, um, I mean, well – I just, uh. Yeah. I wanted to say welcome back. We've missed you all so much. I mean, we've all missed you so. Uh, much. We've all missed you so much."
"I do not think I am back yet, McGee," she says, but she smiles, because she loves him.
She recognises it fully now, and it almost kills her. She missed him, because she loves him, and that was why she missed Abby, and Ducky and Palmer, and Gibbs. And Tony.
And Jenny, and Ari, and Tali, and Jacob. She loved them all.
"I love you, McGee."
The shock on his face could hurt if it wasn't so amusing. Wide open mouth, eyes, and he is a gawping toddler once more, and he stumbles over words he cannot find, because the words he know don't seem to fit.
"Do not worry, it is not a practical joke. I just thought I should ... tell you. I never have before, but it is true."
"Uh..."
"It is OK. You do not have to respond." Strangely, there is no regret, no embarrassment, no rising fear of sharp vulnerability. She blinks, once, twice, and then the world settles back down and softly, silently, shapes itself around her vision once more. "I did not mean that I was in love with you, McGee. There is a distinction, yes?"
"Yesofcourse, Ididn'tthinkyoumeantlike, uh, likeyeahnoofcourse." His reply is so quick she laughs.
"I love you like a brother," she says, and thinks of brothers, thinks of Ari, and smiles.
She remembers what once was, what she was, what she has become and the aching pressure of those hot and floating nights where all she wanted was Tony's lips and tongue and eyes and fingertips and TonyTonyTony.
The taste of his skin still startles her.
"Yeah, DiNozzo?"
"What was that about?" His tone is simmering, but Gibbs simply raises his eyebrows and takes a sip of coffee.
"What was that, Senior Agent?"
"Why did you need to talk to Ziva? What was it about?"
Sip your coffee and look him in the eye because after everything he deserves that much. He deserves that much.
"What do you think it was about, DiNozzo?"
"B-boss..."
"It was about rules, DiNozzo, and the importance of sticking to them."
Around a man, a world comes crashing down, and every sickening wave of it flickers to the beat of Ziva.
"And we also spoke about how you can get around rules. Because, for example, rule number twelve is about the dangers of dating a co-worker. So we assumed that, hypothetically, of course, you could have a relationship with a co-worker that would be perfectly within the rules – just as long as no actual dating was taking place. You see?"
Something that feels a lot like sweet annoyance twists his heart a little, and panic frees green eyes, and hope loosens a wicked tongue.
"You mean...?"
"Come on, DiNozzo. I should say it more, you underestimate me. How many times have you said something incredibly witty, blissfully unaware that I'm standing right behind you?"
"Only blissful until you slap me silly, boss."
"Yeah, exactly." And a smirking hand slaps the back of a hazel head. "It's pretty much the same this time. Just – metaphorically. I'm glad I wasn't standing right behind you when you decided to break that particular rule. Wouldn't have been a pretty sight."
"Hey!"
In an elevator, a boy almost whispers the word dad, and a man looks at a grinning and sheepish kid and sees only a son.
Black lips are taut from grinning, and round glasses are steamy with a jumpy excitement. An old heart pounds out the same, staunch little rhythm that used to march to bagpipes and now marches to an entirely different tune.
"Oh, you guys, I'm so excited! I mean, to have them back, it's been so horrible without them, and of course I don't mean your company is not good enough, it really is, and I've probably got loads more work done with them being absent than if they'd been here to distract me, but also the day seems longer and I miss hearing them, and I hope they'll be back from now, even though Ziva obviously needs as long as she needs, and if Tony seems to be helping her to, you know, to-"
"Whoa, Abby, slow down." A big red bucket is thrust in front of her and she sucks greedily at a straw.
"I hardly think a caffeinated soft drink is going to help matters much, Timothy." A gentle voice chides and smiles.
"Well, anyway, I wouldn't be too sure yet, Abby. They came in, but Gibbs took Ziva into his office straight away, and when they were done Tony asked to speak to Gibbs and I seriously have never seem him looking so pissed. And Ziva told me she loved me, which was..."
"Aww! Timmy! That's so cute!"
"Unnerving, more like," he grumbles, but a charming boyish flicker of self-conscious pride shimmers through nonetheless.
***
A woman enters an elevator, and warm hands clasp tightly, and a man remembers Paris.
And two hearts go beatbeatbeat in perfect unison, because they always have done.
***
Four faces crowd a laboratory that is chirping with machines, and wait with hope for a fractured completion. Everywhere is splinters and love and perpetuity.
Smile for what there was, and what there will be. Because every single time you take in a breath and let it out – in sadness, fear, delight – you are a little bit different. We are a little bit changed. We are endlessly loving. And we can hope.
And that will have to be enough. And so it is. And so we are. And so we are.
Fin.
Wow. That's...it. I don't want it to end, somehow, so there will probably be a sequel, or...something. Aww. I REALLY don't want it to end, but I don't think a sequel would be very good. But, again, I can't see how I could possibly write another post-Aliyah fanfic after this. The response has been just too positive, and I would feel like I'd failed if it wasn't as well received. That sounds stupid. I don't know. I'm going to keep writing, definitely, but I DON'T WANT THIS TO END, GODDAMNIT. SOB.
But it's OK. I know when to leave things – maybe. Be on the lookout for a sequel, although it probably won't ever happen, but other stuff DEFINITELY will, and I hope you all read some of my other stuff.
And thank you, from the bottom of my shallow little heart :)