As always, thanks to everyone for your lovely reviews. I know I'm not updating as often as you all hoped, but I get a lot of ideas off people's comments, and I usually write ahead and then post. I'm taking it a little easier this time, as I'm still working on lots of original fiction and a number of other things. So forgive me!

Hello, Agni? It's Me, Zuko

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Aang asked, worry creasing his brow. "The spirits aren't…uh…particularly good at marriage counseling."

Zuko scowled…which is to say his face was status quo. "Agni is the father of the Fire Nation, husband to the Great Phoenix, and exalted protectorate of the Fire Nation. The royal family is descended from his line. Surely he'd have some advice to dispense about my current predicament."

The Avatar sucked in his lower lip and rubbed the back of his neck. "Well…I guess when you put it that way…"

"There are legends," Zuko continued, "about how Agni wooed the Great Phoenix from her bower and captured her as his wife. The Phoenix is the second most powerful deity in Fire Nation lore, rivaled only by Agni himself, and only because she allows him to dominate." He fixed Aang a look. "That is what I want from Katara."

"Subservience? Submission?"

"Deference," the Fire Lord clarified. "I know she and I are equals in the bending arena, her wits as sharp as mine—"

"Or sharper," Aang muttered under his breath.

"—She is my superior in many aspects, but in this matter, in the matter of family…" Zuko gestured emptily and crossed his arms over his chest, as if it were evident what he was getting at.

Aang slowly shook his head. "All right. I'll go into the Spirit World to consult him, but don't say I didn't warn you. You might not like the solution to your problem…if Agni says anything at all."

Zuko nodded his understanding.

The Avatar sat in the Fire Lord's meditation room before a large gilt statue of a Dragon, the Fire Nation's patron animal and one of Agni's many incarnations. The hypnotic gold flicker of the candles on the altar soon had Aang in a trance, and when his eyes flashed lightning blue, Zuko knew his friend had reached the Avatar state.

He'd only seen him like this a few of times before, but he'd never been this close to Aang while he traversed the Spirit Realm. (Well, there was that whole North Pole incident, but his eyes had been closed then, and Zuko had been a little too busy worrying about his survival.) He looked into those blank, brilliant eyes and, waving one hand in front of his face, wondered if his friend's ethereal luminescence was bright enough to project a shadow puppet show onto the far wall.

The room suddenly grew unbearably hot, as if a firestorm had swept through the palace. Zuko tensed. The air shimmered with heat waves, and a hot wind whipped around the Avatar's body.

Aang cocked his head at Zuko, a scowl creasing his boyish features.

"Fire Lord Zukoooo," the young monk intoned in a deep, growling voice."Why have you summoned me to the mortal realm?"

Zuko immediately knew he was in the presence of Agni, and prostrated himself before him.

"I am your most humble servant, Agni," he said. "I have need of your guidance and vast wisdom."

"Then you should be talking to your uncle Iroh," the spirit god said.

He began to explain, "The matter regards my wife—"

"Ah. Yes. The Southern Waterbender." Agni's arrogant tone reminded Zuko immediately of his father's sneering demeanor. "Good lay then?"

"She's—" Zuko did a double take. "Wait, what?"

"Good lay. Waterbenders are fluid and dynamic and supernaturally flexible, you know." Agni chuckled, a deep, low, languid sound that thrummed through his chest. "I've been known to have a tryst here and there in the mortal realm, you know, and I like the Southern Water women the best. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Katara were very, very distantly related to you."

Zuko was at a loss for words. Mostly because he was trying desperately to hold back the vomit surging upwards.

"Don't tell my wife, though," Agni went on, rolling Aang's eyes. "That harpy never lets me have my fun. She can certainly get her feathers in a ruffle, and for a firebird, that usually means the end of the world. Speaking of which," Agni cast his glowing glance about,"do you have anything to drink? I'm parched."

Offerings. Of course. Zuko proffered a goblet of the cheap brandy used in all the shrines to the spirits. Agni accepted it, sipped, then made a face.

"Grody," he said disdainfully, and poured the rest out on the floor.

"Oh, great Agni," Zuko began again, his faith a little shaken, "I seek your wisdom with regards to my royal line. My wife shuns me and refuses my company. She will not lie with me."

"Have you asked her why?" Agni reclined against a couch as if they were simply discussing the latest airball match at the local tavern.

Zuko replied "No" as if it were obvious. Of course he hadn't. In non-explanation, he added, "She's my wife."

"And as such, you must ask her about everything. You cannot expect her to simply tell you, and she will resent you for not asking. This applies to all of your interactions with her. You must ask her: How was your day? What did you buy at the market? A pointless exercise, perhaps, but one you must go through regularly."

"But what does that have to do with—?"

Agni cut him off, gesturing grandly. "It is the nature of woman to be chased, as it is the nature of man to hunt. The moon and the sun dance through the sky round and round in the dizzying whirl that is life. Push and pull, Tui and La, they circle each other as yin and yang…"

And on and on the spirit god went, spewing as many analogies as he could to demonstrate Zuko's dichotomous relationship with Katara.

It was quite exhausting.

"But how am I supposed to get her to present?" Zuko interrupted snappishly.

Agni looked taken aback. His mouth twisted disdainfully. "It's always about sex with you, isn't it?"

"It's not about the sex!" Zuko exclaimed, and would have stomped a royal foot if he weren't still kow-towing on the floor. "Why do people keep saying that?"

"My son," Agni said with a benevolent smile, "you are the Fire Lord, a man who has seen much more of the world than some of your predecessors, and even some of the ruling heads of state. Surely romancing a woman was part of your education?"

"I already know about the eels and flowers."

Agni breathed deeply, as if mustering his patience. "I must retire," he announced brusquely. "Think well on what I have said."

And with that, the heat in the room dissipated, and Aang slumped over, the Fire god's hold over him released.

"Did you learn anything?" the monk asked Zuko once he'd recovered.

"Yeah." He glared at the empty offering cup. "I need to start getting better brandy if I want any useful advice."