Rock Bottom

General Iroh was considered by all to be a stalwart and fairly imperturbable man. He owed much of his composure to not only the soothing effects of his vast collection of tea, but also to his daily relaxation regiment, which included a leisurely stroll with the singular purpose of stopping to smell the roses, in quite the literal sense.

"Good for the lungs, good for the heart, good for the body to get a fresh start," he'd quip to anyone who'd listen.

And since pretty much everyone within a mile of the palace had heard him spout this particular rhyme about a hundred times, no one listened.

It was during these refreshing walks that he would contemplate daily governance, mind-bending riddles, his nephew's latest emotional issues, and new proverbs and metaphors that would help same nephew in his twisting life journey. Today, he was devoting his substantive mental capacity to pondering the root of Zuko's confounding marital problems. And for that, he required an extra measure of peace.

The gardens always provided the ideal backdrop for such deep thoughts and rigorous relaxation. The great Dragon of the West would contemplate the utter quietude of each plant, and aspire to their serenity. Sometimes, he'd even mimic them by divesting himself of all his clothing and lying on the hot slate cobblestones like a lazy desert salamander, basking in the glory of the sun's rays.

Perfect inner harmony was something he strove for in these lush surroundings. So what if a few guards went blind encountering him in his state of nirvana?

But today was a day for thinking, not imitating the flowers. With all his clothes on, he mulled over Zuko and his wife, punctuating each debating point in his head with a sniff of his favorite tea rose bush, filling his senses with the blooms' gentling aroma.

And then the flowers sniffed back.

"BWAH!" Iroh leapt back when the bush sneezed. Collecting himself, he peered closer at the green eyes blinking up at him. "Haru?"

"Shh-hhh!" The Earthbender crouched lower in the hidey-hole he'd dug among the bilious foliage. "Please, don't say anything!"

"What are you—?"

At just that moment, the old man heard his niece's shrill cry.

"Uncle! Have you seen Haru? It's almost tea time and I'm getting tired of looking for him." Azula appeared at the far end of the path. She crossed arms over her chest and pouted.

Moving his bulk in front of the bush, the old general smiled genially and called back, "Oh, no, dear, not at all. I haven't seen him since…oh, well, since that day you had him fitted for those special space metal cuffs."

"Clever boy got out of them," Azula remarked with a little pride, "and he wonders why I want to keep him. I so love a brain to match a man's brawn."

Iroh heard a faint whimper from beneath the bush.

"Ah, well. If you spot him…well, don't detain him, that'll just ruin my fun. But mention I'm looking for him. That'll put the whip at his heels before I apply it to his nice, firm Earthbending bottom!" She cackled, flicking a tear away.

"By the way," she added, "I had the servants brew some of that special lemur-picked tea you like so much. I also asked them to prepare some red bean buns. I hope you'll join me in my parlor later so we can enjoy them together."

Said the spider-snake to the mongoose-fly. Iroh notched his chin up, suspicion seeping into every pore of his body.

With the graciousness only the great Dragon of the West could muster for the fire princess, he replied, "That's very kind of you, my niece. I will join you when I am done in the garden."

Azula's lips spread into a feline look of satisfaction. "Lovely. I'll see you later." She glided away, reminding Iroh of a scorpion-bee in flight.

Something was up. He made a note to be even more cautious around her…and to bring his own tea and snacks when he went to call.

When her footsteps trailed off, Haru burst from the ground in a shower of pebbles.

"You have to help me escape!" the fugitive cried, ragged desperation making his voice harsh and high.

Iroh gave him the once-over. "Why's that? I thought you two were…" he searched for a word "…intimate. Surely she hasn't been mistreating you…?"

Haru's brow softened, but his eyes remained troubled. "I loved her once, I really did. But she's…she's…" He searched for a word.

"Insatiable?" Iroh suggested.

"Sadistic! Bloodthirsty! Stark-raving mad!" He yanked his collar down to display the bite marks, scratches, burns and hickeys ringing his neck.

"Ah, young love."

"Please, I'm begging you. My parents don't even know where I am. I don't even know how long I've been away from them," Haru sobbed.

"Judging by your facial hair…I'd say about a year."

"Azula made me keep it," he lamented, tugging at his unfashionably long moustache. "She thought it was 'sexyfine'. That's not even a word!" he blubbered.

Iroh smothered his laughter. "Well, Haru, I'm not inclined to thwart my niece's whims or appetites." He paused. "But perhaps we can make a deal."

"A deal?" Hope brightened the Earthbender's sad, sage-green eyes.

"My nephew, Zuko, is having some marital issues. You were once one of Katara's suitors, were you not?"

"I…I don't generally discuss… That is, she's very nice, but… Yes," he amended quickly at the disinterested look stealing over the old man's face. "Yes, I would have made a fantastic lover. I could have, er, rocked her world, as it were. Azula says so all the time." Haru's upturned mouth collapsed into a despondent frown.

"Well, then, perhaps you are best suited to advise the Fire Lord as to how to win back his wife's interest. In exchange, I can hide you from my niece until she tires of her little game…for today."

"But…I'm looking for an escape! I need to get out of the Fire Nation! Away from her!" Haru clutched the general's billowing sleeve with white-knuckled fingers that had been….ugh, gods know where.

"I'm sorry, but that's the best I can do." Iroh detached himself from the young Earthbender and straightened his robe. "For the good of the Fire Nation, and my nephew and his family, a short respite from Azula's attentions is all I can offer. Now, do we have a deal?"

Haru chewed on his baby-smooth lower lip then nodded with a sigh. "Okay. Deal."

Iroh smiled in triumph and started to lead the way to the Fire Lord's meeting chamber.

He decided not to mention that the fairly talented Earthbender was probably capable of escaping the Fire Nation whenever he pleased—a tunnel was not a difficult thing to dig beneath the palace walls, especially for one gifted with his abilities. Keeping that in mind, Haru could have quit the Fire Nation at any time, but either he was too stupid to figure it out, or he wasn't really trying.

Iroh suspected the latter. Among the conundrums he'd pondered among the roses, this was the easiest to puzzle out. Considering the provincial tedium awaiting him at his aging parents' home, this ongoing cat-and-mouse game the princess's concubine played likely added much-needed spice to the young man's otherwise blasé life.

So who was he to interfere in the adventures of one Earth Kingdom boy?