Gossip Rag

Toph appeared before the Fire Lord five minutes after Haru left.

The young master Earthbender lived several weeks' travel away from the Fire Nation, so it was no wonder Zuko was so surprised to see her. He blinked down at the girl and said, "That was…shockingly fast."

"That's what she said," Toph quipped, dusting herself off. "Zing!"

She'd arrived by Earthbending hummocks—"Like deadly geological roller-skating!" as Sokka would say since Toph always left massive damage to the otherwise pristine landscape in her wake—only a few short minutes before Zuko had requested her presence. The steward was quite impressed with himself at having served his master so efficiently.

"I came on my own," Toph explained. "Figured I missed your wedding ceremony, I'm sure as heck not going to miss the peace summit."

"The summit's not for another week."

"Well, it's not as if you can't afford to put me up for a few days," Toph sniffed, tossing her head haughtily. But her pompous air morphed into a mischievous grin. "Though, judging by the rumors, I might just get a room at an inn down in the city. I don't want to interfere in your little domestic disputes."

Zuko did a double take. "What rumours?"

"About you and Katara being unable to conceive?" Her lip curled. "Who hasn't heard? The Earth Kingdom does love gossip, especially when it's about the Fire Nation royal couple—or Zutara, as they're calling you."

"Zu-tar-a?" He tested the distasteful word, and furrowed his brow. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. It sounds like some kind of skin rash. Who calls us that?"

"Everyone. But I think Fadmon Weekly was the first to coin the phrase."

The Fire Lord stared blankly at the Earthbender…who stared blankly back (but only because she really didn't have any other choice).

"Oh, come on. Fadmon? It's the most popular leaflet in circulation right now. A cabbage merchant started it with some crazy guy from Kyoshi Island. Thousands of people read it. Here, have a look."

From the inside of her overrobe, she pulled a well-worn sheet of paper folded into a fat square and shook it out. It was a simple piece of broadsheet, printed on both sides and folded along the centre like a newsletter.

Deciding not to ask why Toph was carrying a piece of literature she couldn't read around, Zuko took the leaflet from her. His eyes bulged at the headlines splashed across the pages.

Hot Water: Zuzu's in Deep!
Sources say the Fire Lord's having trouble getting it up, and the Fire Lady Katara's not pleased. The royal couple has yet to produce an heir…

Piqued, he skimmed through the rest of the rag furiously.

Hard and Fast: Inside Princess Azula's World of Sex, Lies, and Perfection
She may be sitting pretty, but the merciless maid of mayhem Azula is said to be a softie in the bedroom…

Madame Wu's horoscopes! Fluffy bunny clouds foreshadow impending doom…

I married my bear! The former Earth King's dirty little secret…

Blue Spirit sightings…

Avatar Aang's face shows up on deep fried festival food!

"This is pure drivel!" Zuko growled, shoving the sheet back into Toph's outstretched hand. "Who would believe this…this garbage?"

"It's not for believing, it's for entertainment." Toph neatly folded the beloved Fadmon back into a square. "And literacy is very important, you know. As a world leader, you should be celebrating the fact that people are reading anything at all."

He snatched the leaflet out of her hand once more and shook it out noisily. "But this is a complete fabrication. I should have the editors arrested and whipped for these filthy lies!"

"So, you're not…? Well, you know." To demonstrate, she stuck one finger up in the air and then let her wrist slacken so the digit dangled flaccidly.

"Oh, no, wait…it's more like this…." She switched her fingers from her index to her pinky and repeated the motion.

The lines on Zuko's brow deepened, as did his angry color. "I changed my mind. I'll have the editors arrested, whipped, then boiled in oil and fed to the war orphans!" he fumed.

Toph waved a hand in dismissal, laughing. "Look, it's just a gossip paper. No one takes this stuff seriously. And it keeps people interested in something other than scratching out their meager little plebian existence." Her lips quirked and she set her hands on her hips. "People are still cleaning up after the war, you know. They might look happy on the outside from all the way up here in your ivory tower, but they have long memories about what happened. They need a distraction from the ordinary."

"And this…this load of rhino leavings is supposed to help?" He read one story out loud: "'A source close to Fire Lord Zuko says the leader of the Fire Nation has been taking ginseng as an energy and libido supplement,'" Zuko snarled, "'though it's hard to know whether or not he's taking them in order to entertain his wife…or perhaps some other mystery woman, of which there have been plenty in the past…'" He balled the paper up in his hands. "What are they trying to imply?!"

"Like, duh." She snickered. "You better not let Katara see that. She still has a thing against that Jin girl."

"Hey, she kissed me," Zuko insisted defensively. "And I think my wife would know better than to believe the musings of a deranged author," he growled.

"I dunno. Katara can be awfully gullible. She married you, didn't she?"

Smoke curled up from his fists.

"That better not be the smell of my Fadmon going up in flames," Toph said, sniffing the air. "I was saving it for Sokka."

Zuko decided to get on with the reason for this meeting. "I called you here because I need your help, Toph. I need you to talk with my wife and find out how I can win her back into my bed. She's been refusing me for…well, too long." He clenched his jaw stubbornly. "It's unseemly for the Fire Lady to refuse her Lord."

"Pfft. Likethat argument will work," Toph muttered. "Well, I'm at your service. But only 'cuz you're not as bright as everyone makes you out to be…plus you don't annoy me as much as everyone else does."

Surprised by this semi-compliment batter-fried in sarcasm and rolled in toasted bravado, he blurted, "Uh…Th-thank you?"

"I'll just go to say hello to Azula first." She turned to go.

"NO!" Zuko lunged forward and grabbed her arm. "No, say nothing to my sister about this."

"Why not?" She shook him off. "'Zula probably already knows by now. She's got her fingers in all kinds of pies…and other things." Toph made a wry face. "Maybe she'll have some advice of her own for you. It's not like she really has anything against Katara…"

"She doesn't need to have anything against anyone to make their life miserable," Zuko uttered bleakly.

"Whatever. I'll go do your bidding, Your Majesty, and see Katara first." She bowed grandly. Then she paused to consider something. "Tell you what. You keep that issue of Fadmon to yourself for now. I can get another one in the market later."

"The market? Here? In the Fire Nation?" Zuko was taken aback by this shocking news.

"Geez, Zuko, are you getting senile? Of course I meant here. The latest issue should be on stands soon." She rubbed her hands together gleefully. "I can't wait to see what they've found out about what Haru uses in his hair. He's always kept that a secret, even from Azula, and it makes her absolutely crazy."

With that, Toph strolled away, whistling. Still clutching the leaflet in his hand, Zuko sat heavily down on his throne, mind reeling.

How could this pack of lies have made it all the way to the royal capitol? Where were these two-bit publishers finding the money to produce enough copies to distribute worldwide? Surely a cabbage man and a Kyoshian peasant had no way to afford such grand distribution.

But a more pressing issue assaulted the Firebender's mind. His subjects—still being a tad weak in the head after a century of systematic brainwashing from exposure to military propaganda—would read this garbage and take it for the truth! If he didn't take action now, the Fire Lord and his royal line would be mocked and become the laughingstock of the world!

All of Zuko's hard work, all the sacrifices he'd made, the hardships he'd endured…all of it would mean nothing—his power and his hold on the throne would mean nothing—if he couldn't disprove what was written within these pages, and father a child by his lovely wife.

As the little gossip rag burst into a shiny ball of flames in his fist, Zuko knew he had a new enemy to contend with now. It was no bounty hunter or sneering self-important commander. It wasn't his maniacal sister or twisted father. It wasn't even himself, for once.

No, this new threat was far more sinister. And he would make sure to snuff it out.

"Fadmon," he growled a vow between clenched teeth, "your ass is mine."