Heavy Petting

Iroh sat across from his niece, sipping his fragrant lemur-picked tea, balancing his weight so he'd be able to dodge a lightning bolt at any moment.

Since her nasty little sneak attack back in the Earth Kingdom those five or so years ago, he'd learned not to trust Princess Azula farther than she could throw his weight.

(Of course, he hadn't ever trusted the little monster. Not since she'd been a teething baby and had developed a penchant for yanking on beards and biting noses.)

He'd once said she was crazy and needed to be taken down: That was still true, of course, but because his nephew had developed some strange, warped sense of trust in her and allowed her to live in the palace, the old Dragon of the West humored the young Fire Lord, and treated his niece with respect and kindness.

Well…as much as one could afford for someone with all the charm and humanity of a rabid hyena-viper with a personality disorder.

At her request, he'd been taking his daily tea with her since their encounter in the garden. And though he'd become semi-accustomed to her company, he was still nervously waiting for the other shoe to drop. He could sense an issue perched on her lips: As they blithely discussed the weather, the state of the kingdom and various other dolorous topics, his trepidation built to Hippo-cow-sized proportions.

"Cookie?" The princess smilingly proffered a plate of delicate almond biscuits on a doillied porcelain plate.

He took one, said "Thank you" and sniffed it surreptitiously, trying to scent any poison. But when Azula stuffed her own mouth with three of the biscuits, he went ahead and nibbled the confection. It tasted deliciously of suspicion.

She rearranged herself on the throw cushions, looking for all the world like the princess she could have become under different circumstances—draped in luxurious pink silks and lace, glittering with awesomely expensive jewels, batting her eyelashes prettily at him, begging for a story or some such tidbit to pass the time.

Once upon a time, he'd wanted a niece like that to spoil.

But seeing her transformed to this state only unnerved him. The clothes were bad enough on their own. It wasn't simply that she'd eschewed her usual crisp palace attire in formidable shades of red, black and gold—it was that she'd unabashedly donned a shade of pink that absolutely did not suit her. And the cut of the dress was terribly unfashionable with more ruffles and adornments than was strictly necessary. Only her Water Tribe bridesmaid dress out-uglied this outfit. She looked like a flamingo-pig in a gaudy tutu.

"Refill?" She held the little clay pot up, chin tilted coquettishly.

"Please." He fought to keep his face pleasant as she refilled his cup with all the precision and grace of a concubine.

"So…" she began, and Iroh prepared himself for a fight.

"Yes?"

"I was wondering…that is, I was thinking about getting a pet."

Iroh blinked. "A…a pet?"

"Mmm-hmm." Her lips slanted up, and she gazed off into the middle distance with dreamy eyes. "It was a sudden whimsy, really. I was just walking around, looking for Haru and thinking, if only I had a leash on that boy. And then I realized, well, I'm a princess. Of course I can afford a leash. The best money and fear can buy. But while I'm at it, shouldn't I get a pet to go with the leash?"

He was still wrapping his head around the fact that Azula, always perfectly focused and on task, still had not found the wayward Earthbender. "A…a pet?" Iroh repeated, gaping.

"Are you even listening to me, Uncle? Yes, a pet." She leaned forward, propping her chin up in her palm. "You've been all around the world, seen all kinds of magnificent animals. I was hoping you could suggest something appropriate."

The old general shook off his surprise. "I…well, um, that is…"

"I know, I know, if Katara gets pregnant…no, when Katara gets pregnant because, after all, we must all think positively about this—" her lips spread into an avaricious smile "—we don't want her exposed to all those germs the animals bring in. I mean, of course I want to have the thing by my side at dinner and such, but not at the cost of my niece or nephew's health. And anyhow, what good is a pet if I simply leave its care up to a servant?"

Iroh cleared his throat uncomfortably. He could detect no trace of the devious Azula in her words…not that he ever really could, she was that good at lying. But she seemed honestly concerned for Katara's and her future baby's health, and that made him wonder. "Indeed. So you really have given this some thought."

She tapped her chin. "Do you think it would be gauche to ask the peace summit delegates to suggest something? Maybe even…get them to bring me some live presents?" She cocked her head sweetly, sheepishly, and every bone in Iroh's body buzzed in warning. Something was definitely up with his niece.

"I wouldn't request it in any formal way," he answered carefully. "Perhaps the best thing would be for us to go down to the library and do some research about the kinds of animals you're interested in first."

"Oh, no, no, no, I can't do that." She shook her head, a grave look falling over her face. "Sokka's down there and we're…well, things are weird between us right now."

Things are weird between you and everyone, Iroh refrained from saying, and coughed into his fist to keep the thought from bursting out of his mouth. "Let us discuss the subject here, then," he said. "I'll have someone bring us a zoological encyclopedia."

"Already done." She nodded and a Dai Li agent emerged out of nowhere, it seemed, carrying a large tome in his stone-gloved hands.

Iroh shuddered. Those rocky digits were unnerving. And soooo last-season.

Placing the encyclopedia on the table between them, they flipped the book open at random. The yellowing pages fanned apart until they settled.

"Ooh, that's pretty." Azula's eyes lit up as she read, "'Barbed lemon croco-cock.'" She fingered the bright colors on the ugly feathered reptile. "I want that."

"Princess, the croco-cock has been extinct for more than two hundred years," Iroh gently pointed out. "Swampbenders hunted them out of existence."

"Oh." She pouted. "Well, it won't do for me to own something so utterly weak that it couldn't survive those pantless hicks. What else is there?" She riffled through the pages.

"How about this?" He stopped on a harmless-looking singing teacup gopher.

"Trust you to pick anything with the word 'tea' in it." She rolled her eyes. "But I do like this one." She pointed at the opposite page.

"The poisonous stinging death dolphin." Iroh considered it briefly. "You might have some issues walking that thing around on a leash."

"How silly of me to forget." She laughed, and the sound made his spleen quiver. "Oh, well. Let's keep looking."

They spent the afternoon bent over the tome, and made their way through almost the entire book before Azula slammed her palms down on a page and pointed, squealing, "That's the one! That's the one! Oh, Uncle, it's perfect! Please, please, please, please, pleeeeeaase tell me I can have that one!"

Her normally keen, critical eyes were huge and sparkly with hope, hands clasped in supplication. Her mouth was soft with pleas, her cheek rosy with something else that was equally un-Azula-ish.

Iroh had never been more disturbed.

He looked at the book, looked at his niece, looked at the book again. Why would the princess want that animal in particular? He was trying to puzzle out what nefarious scheme Azula had concocted, because there was no other way to explain this behavior.

Perhaps this creature had some kind of gland that secreted a deadly poison. Or maybe its fecal matter was toxic and could be used to slowly drive her brother mad, forcing him off the throne. Or perhaps the creature would reproduce at an exponential rate until the whole palace was buried in them, thus driving out the royal family and leaving the princess in charge….

But it was such a…a common animal. Unique in its own strange way, but so unlike the princess.

"Please, please, please, please, pleeeease…." Azula whimpered.

Then again, maybe it really was just a pet.

"I don't see any problems with this animal…" So far.

"Ooh, goody!" Azula clapped. "I'm going to the have the gamekeeper procure me a whole litter of them so I can pick one. What do you think? Spots? Stripes? Calico?"

"When it comes to companions, they often pick you, not the other way around," he quipped sagely.

Azula smiled. "You'reso wise, Uncle." She beamed back at the page, stroking the watercolor picture lovingly as if she were already holding her cherished animal friend, tears brimming in her unnaturally soft eyes. "I can't wait until you're in my arms, little one. Mommy will love you and take care of y—"

"Azula!" The doors burst open. "Are you here? Is that you?"

They started. "Toph?" The princess stood. "What are you doing here?"

"It is you," the Earthbender sighed in relief, but her voice sounded distinctly confused.

"Of course it's me. Who else would I be?" She laughed.

Iroh looked from the Earthbender to the princess. Toph looked perplexed—he wondered how she could have mistaken Azula's identity. She always knew when her friend was around, had always been proud of her ability to detect Azula's heartbeat….

And that's when Iroh knew.