The scene is a local university.
The psychology professor walks down the hallway toward the office of her peer. She and he make up the team of evaluators for the university's latest corporate contract.
She greets his assistant with a smile. "Is he in?"
The assistant nods.
She knocks, opens the door and pokes her head in. "Hey."
"Hey."
She enters the room and approaches his desk. "Can you take a look at something? The Fisher & Li contract; I see the last person tomorrow."
"Sure."
She hands him the file folder.
"What am I looking for?"
"I don't want to influence you," she says.
"Ok." He leans back in his chair and gets comfortable. He opens the file and starts studying the content.
She takes a seat in his rocker and gazes out the window. Relaxing quietly, she looks out over a beautiful snowless cold campus, the trees bare, the branch patterns like an artist's masterpiece. It was a nice ten minute respite in the middle of a hectic day.
He looks up from the file at her.
She turns her head to meet his gaze, anxious to hear what he has to say.
"It's ummmm," he hesitates, "it's probably not multiple personalities."
"No," she replies.
"But it's something."
"Yes."
"What are you going to do?" he says.
"I don't know yet."
He pauses before he offers, because he knows she won't be entertained. "Do you want me to take her?"
With a look, and an emphatic "No!", that idea is put to rest.
"Well," he says, "I'm going to tell you what I think your approach should be."
"I expect no less."
"I think you need a very carefully balanced strategy, based on the potential outcomes. Remember," he says, "she hasn't asked for your help. She's just a resource for a project. Your role is to say ok or not ok. That's it. Yes?"
"Yes."
"First possibility is, you interview her, you evaluate her, you identify her problem and you deem her a risk to the security of the project. You have to reject her. That fulfills your contractual obligation. Then, outside of the contract, the two of you are free to decide to pursue or not pursue therapy, just like any other therapist/client relationship.
But what if the problem you uncover doesn't impact her ability to do her job on the project? You'll pass her, she'll sprint out of your office, never to be seen – voluntarily – again, and your relationship with her is restricted to and defined by the terms of your contractual obligation for the duration of the project. I know you. That's not going to be enough for you. You're going to want to find a loop hole so you can help her. You've only got one meeting to figure out what's going on with this," he waves the file in the air in front of him, "and engage a hook if you need one."
"I should pre-script the interview like a decision tree," she says, "so I can control my strategy."
"That's what I'd do," he says.
The next day.
Bio break.
The psychologist feels prepared, over-prepared. She's cleared her calendar for the rest of the afternoon. She's committing her total attention, without distraction, to whatever will present in this upcoming client hour. She's convinced that something is going on. She knows she'll get only one quick shot at this.
The psychologist walks down the hallway from the restrooms toward her office. There are four young male grad students loitering in the hall just outside her office door. They greet her, "doc", a nod, "professor", "Dr. Hunt." She returns their greetings, "Gentlemen," as she walks into her office. She knows each of them well.
"What's going on in the hallway?" she asks her assistant.
The assistant, acting uncharacteristically elusive, says "Your two o'clock is here, from Lockhart Gardner."
The psychologist looks around the small reception area and sees no one. She looks quizzically at the assistant.
"I asked her to wait in your office."
"In my office?"
"She was attracting attention out here."
The doctor opens the door to her office, file folder in her hand. A face to go with the file, she thinks to herself, and the fuss in the hallway.
She greets her client with a friendly smile, "Ms. Sharma?"
"Dr. Hunt."
"Nice to meet you," says Dr. Hunt. They shake hands. "Did you have any trouble finding our offices?"
"No. Your directions were good."
"Good. It's easy to get to the campus; sometimes not so easy to find your way around the campus. I've had many a client get lost navigating the parking lots and courtyards and pods.
Please sit. Make yourself comfortable. Is it all right if I call you Kalinda?"
"Sure," Kalinda responds.
"Please, call me Alicia."
Before she can catch herself, Kalinda has audibly reacted. She immediately muffles it. Dr. Hazel A. Hunt. That's the name she got from Diane's assistant.
"What?" says Dr. Alicia.
"Nothing important," replies Kalinda.
"Really?" says the doctor, obviously wanting more.
Kalinda is laser focused on her eyes. Can I ignore this? The doctor's body language communicates very clearly, no such luck.
"It's just that I used to have a good friend by that name."
"Used to have? What happened?"
"Uh, my fault. I did something. That was that." Some body language back at ya, lady.
The doctor receives her message loud and clear. It's entirely too early in this relationship to delve into 'Alicia' apparently. Make a note. Who's Alicia? Why the defense?
"I thought your name was Hazel."
"Yes. My family has called me by my middle name forever.
So, as you know, I'm contracted to help find resources for this project. Because it's going to require the team members qualify for a high security level clearance, I'm meeting with everyone to make sure this kind of project is the right fit for you and for the contractor. Any questions before we get started?"
"No."
"Good. So, I understand your role at Lockhart Gardner is investigator. Is that correct?"
"Yes."
"You've been with Lockhart Gardner about five years?"
"Yes."
"So, tell me about yourself and your work."
Kalinda shifts a bit in her seat. Really, she thinks to herself. That's an awfully wide door. "You have it all there, don't you; my resume and work history and recommendations and all that?"
"I do. But I like to hear your story in your own words."
A bit of an adrenaline shot helps Kalinda continue. Tread carefully. Well, if that's how you want to play it, I can control the crafting of a picture for you.
Their conversation flows comfortably back and forth, surgically but imperceptibly guided by the doctor's decision tree.
As the hour is nearly exhausted, Dr. Alicia reflects on the exchange. Well that was actually masterful bullshitting. The sense persists that there are two stories here, sometimes out of synch, or contradictory, consistent with what we felt from the pre-meeting survey results. Something is out of harmony. "Well, our time is up," says the doctor. "It's been a pleasure talking with you."
Ok, that wasn't too bad, Kalinda is thinking. I'm clear. How fast can I get out of here? Kalinda rises, grabs her winter coat, and begins to bundle up.
Dr. Alicia proceeds to close the session. "I don't remember if I said this when our hour started," says the doctor, executing the script to the letter, "so I want to make sure you know that I apply the same strict therapist/client confidentiality to this contracted meeting as I do for all my clinical clients, just as if you were my client asking for my help, which you are not."
"Ok," says Kalinda. "Good to know."
"Kalinda," adds the doctor, "the terms of this contract allow me to ask for an additional session to complete my evaluation. I'm going to exercise that privilege with you. I hope you don't mind terribly." It wasn't possible for Kalinda to know that the contract had no such condition in its text.
"I thought this was a one-time meeting."
"Sometimes it takes more than one. Nothing to be concerned about."
Kalinda was not pleased. "I don't have any more time to give you. My schedule is pretty tight."
Interesting choice of words, noticed the doctor. Everything about you seems 'tight', she's thinking. "I'm afraid it's not optional. I mean you no challenge or trouble. Just doing my job. I'm sure you understand. Tomorrow, 6:00 p.m., here."
Kalinda gives the doctor a look to let her know she will not be placated with niceties. "Seriously, tell me why."
The psychologist hears Kalinda's message exactly as Kalinda intended.
She rises to meet Kalinda's challenge. They are eye to eye. The tone of the psychologist's voice changes from genial therapist to academic peer. "You want to know what I'm thinking."
"I do," Kalinda answers firmly.
The doctor pauses a moment to consider the wisdom of what she's about to do. "Kalinda," she says, "I think you are very bright. I don't know what you choose to call it, your charisma, your presence that fills a room, oh, and the hallway outside my office, by the way. It's off the charts. And the way you groom yourself, you are a stunning vision. You are at once disarming and completely covered with armor. I imagine this combination of assets works well for you. I bet you are very good at your job.
I can also see that you're playing me. You're really good at it. But it doesn't get past me. You're not being truthful with me."
Kalinda is silent.
"You tell me that you have no family, your parents are dead and you have no siblings."
"That's the truth," Kalinda says defensively, passionately. Of all the crap I shoveled, that's what you picked out?
Dr. Alicia wants a fast exchange here. She fires off some quick short questions, hoping to elicit quick short answers before Kalinda thinks, before she can recover from the shock of the last challenge and answer.
"Who died first?"
"My father."
"How old were you when your mother died?"
"14."
"Alcohol?"
No answer from Kalinda.
Pay dirt, the doctor thinks. Now I have something I can work with.
"Go now," the doctor says. "Try to relax this evening. Get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow, we'll talk again."
Kalinda breaks eye contact, stunned and smarting a bit. What the hell just happened? When did I lose the control? - Kalinda has no idea she never had the control. - Still spinning, she reaches into the pocket of her coat and switches on her phone. It begins to beep, flagging her missed calls and messages. Without missing a beat, she's on the phone, returning a call before she's made it to the door of Dr. Alicia's office. "Will." "The psychologist's office." "No, we were done." "Yes."
Then she was out of Dr. Alicia's range.
Some moments of reflection.
A bio break.
A cup of hot tea with honey and cream.
Dr. Hunt sits down at her desk, laptop in front of her, to record her notes of the session.
MRN: 0011266103
Record Security: General Access
Patient ID: Sharma, Kalinda NMN
F 42
DOB: 05/31/1972
Encounter: NWPS000551693327
Encounter Date: 02/01/2014 1400
Fin: Contract Fisher & Li LLC
Sub Fin: Contract LG
Allergies: Bee sting (link: Medication Reconciliation)
Provider: Hazel A. Hunt-Ferrero, Ph.D., Psychology
Sub Record Security: Behavioral/Confidential
Provider Documentation: 02/01/2014 1544 Post Encounter – Free Notes
Observation. Stunning woman from head to toe, obviously of East Indian descent. Obviously not dressed for attorney role. Firm private investigator. Petite but not noticed until long into the meeting, because of her big presence in the room. Oozes confidence. Genuine? Manufactured façade? Either way, it has the desired effect on the inhabitants of a room. Eye first drawn to red leather jacket, tightly constrained torso. Eye next drawn to eyes, heavily drawn in black. Hair arranged in a tightly constrained wrap, probably pinned to within an inch of its life. Black from waist to dramatic boot. Skirt a little too short for her age.
Theme. Tightly constrained façade. Everything about the appearance gives the signal 'hyper sexy', but in actuality, she is completely and tightly covered up from head to foot, with the exceptions of face, neck, horseshoe necklace, wrists and hands. Amazing illusion. Armor. Hiding what? Protecting what?
Is this how she competes in a man's world where she is smaller than, physically weaker than, the wrong gender? She is charming, borderline flirty, obviously smart, hyper-self-protective but I am not supposed to notice that if her presentation (manipulation) had worked as she designed.
By her own account, she is Batman at the office. The specific super hero naming comes from the attorneys. It's a running joke. She is the one who saves the day on every case of consequence. She takes care of everything and everyone and she thrives in the role. It is her air. She is highly respected by the attorneys. Because she is so effective, she is given a great deal of freedom; she has no corporate dress code; she has no corporate behavioral code; they pay her pretty much whatever she asks. There is little if any class distinction. She is privy to just about everything because that's how she gets her best results for them. Workaholic. Overachiever. On call 24x7 for the attorneys.
Her description of herself, her past, her job performance included truth, embellishment, avoidance and lies.
She describes growing up as privileged middle class, healthy family, suburban home and parochial school.
Review literature on adult child of alcoholic parents.
(link: Therapy minutes: 60)
(link: DSM-5: NA)
(link: ICD-10: NA)
e-signature: Hazel A. Hunt-Ferrero, Ph.D. 02/01/2014 1631 (File)
Documentation minutes: 47 (End)
Kalinda returns to the LG offices. As she walks the hallway, she notices Will motioning to her. She puts a great deal of effort into appearing normal and undistracted as she makes her way to his office doorway.
"How did it go?"
Kalinda gives him a quizzical look.
"With the psychologist, how did it go? Did you pass?"
"Not yet," she says. "I go back tomorrow."
"Why?" he asks examining her face to see if he should be concerned.
"She needs more time," says Kalinda with the most nonchalant tone she can muster.
"Is there a problem?"
"She says not," Kalinda responds. Well, that's what she said before she told me the truth, but Will doesn't need to know that just yet.
"So," says Will. "How do you feel about having to go back again?"
"Pain in the ass," says Kalinda. They laugh together.
Dovetailing off the lightness of the moment, Kalinda drops her little bitty bomb. "Hypothetically, what if I don't pass?"
"We lose the contract," Will says.
"Simple as that," she says.
"Simple as that," says Will. "Should I be worried?"
"No," says Kalinda, "I've got it covered. Do you need me to do something for you?"
"No. I'm headed out. I have a dinner meeting with a client. If you need me, call."
"Same here, if you need me. I'm going to find a secluded place. I have a lot of research to do. But my phone will be on."
They walk out of Will's office together, Will turning one way toward the elevators, Kalinda turning the other, in search of an empty conference room.
Kalinda settles herself in for a long night on line. She is careful to sit with the computer screen facing the back wall. She doesn't want anyone reading the screen over her shoulder through the conference room glass. She starts her search with a one word inquiry, alcoholism. From there, suggested links – alcoholism and the family, child of alcoholic, white papers and periodical articles by university based psychiatrists and psychologists, testimonials, help organizations. She absorbs it all. She feels totally exposed. It's as if someone has been watching through her windows all her life and has written specifically of her in these articles. It is distressing. In its own twisted way, it's also some relief. After a lifetime of feeling 'other', she isn't alone. This isn't a group she's happy to belong to, but all of a sudden, explanations begin to emerge for so many of the difficulties of her life, difficulties she's just powered through up to this point.
With each hour that passes, more and more offices go dark. It doesn't take long before Kalinda is the only one left in the LG suites.
She attacks the information like a famished person. She can't read fast enough. She is putting pieces together. She is filling in the blanks of her life. Then there is anger to deal with. How could they have stolen her childhood away from her like that? Betrayal. How could they have been so selfish to risk their lives and leave her completely alone in the world at such a young age?
She runs through some of the relationships of her life, the ones that hurt the most when they failed.
It seems unreal that their alcoholism could profoundly impact virtually every aspect of her whole life, so long after they've gone from this world.
She needs a brief respite. There is so much bouncing around her head. She needs some time for it all to compartmentalize itself in her brain before she takes in more. She leaves the offices of LG and heads for home. Those around her in traffic this night are not safe. Her attentions are everywhere but on the road.
The hour is getting late. Dr. Hunt sets her book to the side, open to the pages of interest, as she launches the internet search; Adult child of alcoholic parents. This confirms it. Her memory has held the details of the behavioral characteristics pretty well in full. She finds nothing terribly new or groundbreaking in the most recent literature. She has what she needs to proceed with confidence. She makes her notes in preparation for tomorrow's client session.
MRN: 0011266103
Record Security: General Access
Patient ID: Sharma, Kalinda NMN
F 42
DOB: 05/31/1972
Encounter: NWPS000551693327
Encounter Date: 02/01/2014 1400
Fin: Contract Fisher & Li LLC
Sub Fin: Contract LG
Allergies: Bee sting (link: Medication Reconciliation)
Provider: Hazel A. Hunt-Ferrero, Ph.D., Psychology
Sub Record Security: Behavioral/Confidential
Provider Documentation: 02/01/2014 2127 Post Encounter – Free Notes
Possible differential diagnosis of adult child of alcoholic parents.
Prep for follow up session. Literature review. Typical characteristics, abridged.
-actively attempts to simulate normal
-feels different from other people
-tough self-judge
-workaholic
-takes self seriously
-controlling
-perfectionist
-overachiever
-difficulty with intimate relationships
-overly needy of approval
-extremely loyal, even when there is evidence it is undeserved
-loses self in relationship with another
-'love' people who need rescuing
-co-dependency
-concerned more with another than self
-difficulty feeling, expressing feelings
-addicted to excitement
-impulsive without consideration of possible consequences
-self-loathing
-chooses to lie instead of telling the truth when there are no consequences for the truth
(link: Therapy minutes: 0)
(link: DSM-5: NA)
(link: ICD-10: NA)
e-signature: Hazel A. Hunt-Ferrero, Ph.D. 02/01/2014 2204 (File)
Documentation minutes: 37 (End)
Kalinda is in her bed, propped up with pillows, laptop in her hands. She can't stop reading. The hour is getting very late now, but sleeping doesn't seem a viable option. She's finding herself very disturbed by the intimate description of her life. 'Eerie' seems too small a word to describe the feeling of being watched, of being known. In this world, she is hardly more than typical. Surely the component of violence in her is unique, the manifestation of a young adult life spent with Nick.
What if I cooperate a little with the psychologist? I have no choice but to go see her again anyway. The thought of letting someone invade her privacy, even a little bit, is very unsettling after a life spent pushing people away, hiding, and performing as someone else.
Kalinda can see there's not going to be any sleeping tonight.