Alright, let's try this again. Patch took a deep breath and continued her staring at the pony in front of her. Patch, you have a crush on Bon Bon.

Crush on Bon Bon… The little pony shuddered a bit at that. So blunt. So, instead, she called it a crush on Bon.

…Okay, so that was enough to make her smile. Good thing she could hide the frank phrase with something that reminded her of Doctor Seuss. It made the situation at LEAST a bit less somber in her head. The question was, how was she supposed to mention it, or was she supposed to keep a secret? She sucked equally at both…

"Patch?"

The little pony jumped, snapping her gaze away from the floor and at the intervening pony. A pale purple elder stood before her, her gaze stern. "Have you been paying attention?"

Normally, Patch was the type that paid attention but goofed around in class. But when she didn't pay attention, she didn't have any redeeming qualities to keep her out of detention. "Totally," she replied with an uncertain grin. Bon Bon, the pony in front of her, was one of the only ones not watching; she was catching up on her notes, scribbling quickly. At that moment, Patch was too grateful to think about that.

Miss Hackney pointed at the chalkboard, which had some long string of letter and numbers, separated by plus signs and arrows. "Okay then, Patch, why don't you tell me what this chemical equation represents?"

Patch stared at the chalk that Miss Hackney offered her with wide eyes. Then, without thinking, she said, "Why, is your back out today?"

Bright Eyes nearby was one amongst the many students who shook their head. Several classmates let out hushed, "Oohs." Bon Bon had looked up from her work and gave Patch an ugly but at the same time beautiful glare once she turned in her seat.

Miss Hackney was glowering at her. "Did you just call me old?"

"No, not since you started counting backwards." Why on EARTH did you say that? That was stupid. Why didn't you just say what you were thinking?!

"Well, Patch, good for you that I can't give you detention."

Patch knew there was a catch. And that she was in big trouble.

"…Because, if I did, it would not be special enough. For creating minor diversions and not paying attention, now, you've spent twenty four hours stuck here. So you'll be helping Mr. Tidwell out in the schoolyard for two hours. If you decide to make trouble out there, then you will be suspended from school for three days."

The punishment that's reserved for fights… ouch. "That'd be on your personal record, and I'd hate to see a perfectly good record soiled." Miss Hackney obviously wasn't taking 'no' for an answer.

"Yes Miss Hackney," Patch replied, defeated.

"You a serial clown?"

Patch nodded as she picked up what felt like the fiftieth chip bag that afternoon. "Yeah."

The punishment of two hours was, so far, not so bad. Mr. Tidwell was pretty cool, especially for an old guy. He and Sweetheart were buddies for a reason, and she could clearly see it, because he actually was great company. And the work wasn't tedious, either; she could make fun out of throwing cans in the garbage can. But it was a hot afternoon, where minutes piled on for hours and the heat was so intense that she could feel her brain rotting.

The blue pony smiled at her while he dipped his scrub brush into the soapy water that he had. He was sitting next to an overturned, grime-covered trashcan, and Patch knew exactly what was coming next. She suppressed a shudder at the thought of getting the rotten food of who knew how long on her fur coat. It would be stained for a while, and she knew from experience that being stained was never fun.

Mr. Tidwell passed Patch a scrub brush that was moist with the soapy solution, instructing, "Alright, you just take care of the outside. It won't get your pretty brown coat all yucky for your girlfriend."

Patch smiled a bit thankfully. The experience would be unpleasant, even if she hadn't even considered how her friends would want their separation for a while. Especially because I need to get to telling Bon Bon… Her eyes widened as she realized what the old stallion said to her. "Girlfriend?!" she all but squeaked out, her face lighting up.

Tidwell chuckled as he crawled half into the garbage container as Patch stared at him slack-jawed. "Yeah, I can tell someone with a crush when I see 'em," he said as he cleaned. "Who's the lucky pony?"

"But… But how did you know it was a girl?!" What if it was obvious to her friends, too?! That would be EMBARRASSING. And then there was the issue of Bon Bon herself, and the guys…

"No need to get all worked up," Tidwell replied into the trash can. "It's just years of experience. Your friends shouldn't be able to tell unless you're too obvious. I'm good for secrets, so you can ask me for advice or who the lucky belle is who gets your attention."

Patch tried her best to ignore the older guy's words as she turned her focus to scrubbing the trashcan, though it was difficult as he continued. "There's no need to be ashamed, you know."

The little pony pointedly ignored the stallion, scrubbing the can so hard that some parts were already relatively shiny. There was no way she was talking to Tidwell about that. It was personal.

"Are you trying out for the play that's coming up?" Mr. Tidwell asked, dipping his brush into the bucket of soapy water and returning to his heavy cleaning.

"Play?" Patch found herself echoing back.

Mr. Tidwell took his head out of the trashcan and nodded. "Yeah; Miss Hackney is running the youth play auditions next week. It's outside of school, and I heard it was one of Shakespony's famous works. Might be worth looking into, 'specially for someone who's planning on going into the show business."

Shakespony… he wrote romance a lot, right? And half her friends, herself included, wanted to be in the show biz too, right?

"It's a story about a princess. She ends up saving her prince in the end if I remember correctly."

Suddenly, an idea started brewing up in her mind. What would happen if she, Patch, auditioned, and ended up getting a male role? Girls normally ate up Prince Charmings, and Patch would be lying if she said she wasn't fond of pirates.

Okay… so take it she told all of her friends about the play, and insisted behind Bon Bon's back that she should be the princess to boost her self-esteem. Then they took out any potential princesses so Bon Bon could run around in her dress. Even if the princess did all the action, as the prince, she could be rescued by her, dramatically declare her love (probably) and maybe even… steal a kiss.

"When were the auditions again?" Patch asked.

"Next week after Monday… how come?"

'Cause I'm practicing my already perfect male voice impression, Patch internally said before giggling madly to herself.

"Get out, there's another play coming up?" Melody exclaimed, stomping her hooves on the table in front of Patch. Their faces were practically touching, the rock star forgot so much about etiquette.

Patch pushed her chair a few inches away from the ice cream table and responded, "Yep. Monday, there's an area-wide audition for ponies who go to public schools to be in it. Something with Shakespony and a heroic princess, or whatever." Though she was trying to play casual, she was anything but neutral about the prospect.

Melody jumped up and down and screamed nearby. Patch couldn't help but snicker a little bit as she gauged her friends' reactions: from neutral to looking like their face was going to be split in half from sheer excitement. Bon Bon was wearing a dreamy look… no doubt thinking of being the star of the play. Classic Bon Bon.

…Yeah, things were gonna be alright for once.

The next day, right after school, the ponies rushed right down to the theater where the play was being held, and Patch was feeling pretty confident about her chances. It turned out that, other than her entourage, there hadn't really been anyone to take a real interest in the play… meaning that her friends were getting the lead parts.

And Patch's audition was to DIE for. She didn't whip out her dude tones yet, but she swung her sword around in her own way, going off of the script. Miss Hackney would be stupid not to choose her out of her friends for the role.

And, though she didn't stay after her audition, things were going perfectly. She'd told Melody in advance about her plan, and she agreed to go for the role of the pirate instead. Clover wasn't much of a concern because, as horrible as it was, there was a jester role, and though she wanted to be the princess, she'd probably trip and fall, anyway.

So, when she got to the paper, she smiled calmly to herself she was more and more horrified as she went down.

Patch was the prince, and Clover wasn't the princess; she was a guard. Starlight was the jester, which left Bon Bon as she was named as the old lady of the play, while Melody was the princess.

"Melody, don't you just feel like the luckiest little pony around?" Bon Bon asked.

"Lucky? No way. It's talent, pure and simple," Melody answered, pride embedded in every syllable.

The irony killed Patch. She TOLD Melody not to take the part, and she DID… and she'd have to confess her love for her on stage to thousands of audience members.

…Man, how did I THINK this was gonna go?

"Oh great, just what I always wanted to be… a chubby old hag," Bon Bon said, probably jokingly. It got Patch to look away from the board and at her. She was disappointed; she was just masking it under a joke, was all.

Then Starlight flung her arm around her shoulders. Bon Bon gave her a slightly affectionate look. "Oh, you'll be great! We all will. Now let's go backstage and see what needs to be done."

…Aaand Miss Perfect just stole her crush away from her.

Right after the others trotted away, Patch flopped forward on her knees and threw back her head, her jaws opening wide. Clover stared at the display with slight confusion.

But, in Patch's imagination land, she was in the middle of a field of snow, screaming, "NOOOOO!" at the very top of her lungs as Starlight snickered deviously and took Bon Bon away.

Author's Note: This one was tougher to write than the others so far. I honestly debated whether to skip The Play's the Thing, but, well, Patch's expression upon learning the roles in this episode was just priceless.

Anyway, thank you for reading, and I hope to see you around.