Apologies for vanishing yet again. I hereby promise that this story will be finished by the beginning of December.
55
They had it down pat by now. Over the last week they'd worked it all out. Zoe would bring the boys to work with her in the mornings (if her shifts worked out that way, if not, Nick would bring them) and they'd go to the child-care center that the hospital ran for staff. They'd come down to Maggie's room for lunch and stay there for an hour or so, catching their Mum up with everything that had been going on with them. Maggie's room was brightly lit with several masterpieces each with a careful translation pasted into a corner, written out by staff, dictated by either Joe or Tom.
PJ would take them outside to the playground for again an hour or so, for as long as he could stand to be away from Maggie. He was making a concerted effort to spend time with his sons, they deserved that much from him, and he fell more and more in love with his boys each and every day. He'd been torn between guilt at not spending much time with them and the overwhelming need to stay with Maggie, and so it had come as a huge relief when Kay had called to check up on Maggie, and she'd told him that the boys were quite used to being in child care. As a single mum, Maggie had had to work, and Kay and Luka hadn't always been around to babysit. The boys had loved going to 'school', as they'd called it, and were quite happy to go to school in Mount Thomas. After their playtime with Daddy, the boys came back to Maggie's room, and had their nap, before either Zoe, Nick or Tom would take them home again, leaving PJ and Maggie alone for the evening.
Down pat. They had the routine worked out – and that more than anything, annoyed the hell out of PJ. As ever, his tired blue eyes watched her, the fluorescent light from the corridor casting shadows over her face. She shouldn't be lying there, and he shouldn't be watching her at – his gaze dropped to his watch, sighing as he realised it was the early hours of the morning. None of them deserved this, none of them.
They shouldn't need this routine, they shouldn't need to juggle it all like this. She shouldn't be lying here, day after day, dancing her way through a mental minefield, and he shouldn't be sitting here day after day, falling apart a little bit more with every single digitally beeping heartbeat. The boys shouldn't have to see their Mum like this, to see their Dad, their newly discovered Dad, pale and overwrought – however much he tried to hide it. And it wasn't as if they didn't understand, or their version of understanding anyway. PJ blinked fiercely as the memory washed over him, his boys so intuitive, so sensitive to everything – and yet so positive, so sure that everything would be all right.
"Daddy?"
PJ had looked over at Joe, smiling as Joe came over and climbed up into his lap, Tom looking up from where he lay on the floor, creating another masterpiece.
"Daddy, Mummy sleeping lots."
PJ had nodded, wrapping an arm around Joe and resting his head on top of his son's as he struggled to retain his composure. "Yeah, she is. She's got lots to think about, and it makes her tired, so she's having a rest"
Tom had struggled to his feet, carefully stepping over his picture and coming to stand by his Daddy's knee. "Mummy sad?"
PJ swallowed tightly. "I don't think so, but if she is, we'll make it better for her when she wakes up."
"You can kiss her, cos she likes that. Mummy smiles when you give her kisses" Joe had said, nodding when Tom added, " And me and Joe can give her cuddles."
All PJ could do was nod. "Kisses make it all better" Joe said, and had reached up and carefully placed his two chubby hands either side of PJ's face. "Mummy love you, and you love Mummy, and everything will be all right, Daddy." PJ had almost lost it then, his tiny son's words, and the look in his face as she smiled up at PJ causing him to close his eyes tightly, his heart catching as Joe carefully wrapped PJ in a hug.
Tom carefully reached over and held his Dad's free hand, unconsciously trying to wrap his tiny fingers in amongst PJ's just as his mother loved to do, mirroring her so familiar movement so precisely that PJ had to force back a sob.
"It's all right Daddy, Mummy needs a nap, but she wake up soon," Tom said after staring at Maggie for a moment. "Mummy wake up soon and then we go home," he'd told PJ, before plonking himself back down and picking up a blue crayon. With another smile for his Dad, Joe had climbed off PJ's lap, moving over to lie on the floor with Tom, four feet waving in the air as they coloured together.
PJ's eyes snapped open and he sat up, suddenly realising he had almost been asleep. When they'd had realised that he really wasn't going to leave her side, Zoe had ordered a camp-bed to be brought over for him, and for the past six nights PJ had gone through the pretence of lying on it, unwillingly snatching an hour of sleep here and there when exhaustion took its toll on him. He'd fought it though, wanting nothing more than to be there when she woke up. It would kill him if she woke up alone, knowing what she would know. She would need him as the reality set in, as the truth of it all opened up before her and she realised that her own brother had played such a huge part in all of this.
She would need him, just as much as he needed her. As much as he needed her to be able to understand it all, to come to terms with it all and to be able to cope with it all. He needed her to understand it all – but how the hell was she supposed to do that when he hadn't even been able to understand it himself? He'd never been able to fathom how Mick could bring himself to shoot his sister, how he'd been able to bring his finger to the trigger and fire those two supposedly fatal shots into the sister he claimed to adore.
"Oh Mags," PJ whispered, bringing his chair up closer to her, a gentle hand reaching up and smoothing over her cheek. "What happened? Where did it all go so wrong? Mick, how could he – Mags, please, come back to me, wake up Mags, I need you to wake up, I have to explain, we have to talk about it all, to understand – "
His voice tapered away as she didn't respond, lying deathly still as she had done for the past seven days. Immersed in her own world as his world fell apart around him. Desperation and complete and utter physical and mental exhaustion crept up on him, worming their way in, and for a moment, PJ caved and let it take over, anger washing over him in waves. Anger at their situation, at himself for letting go, and, even though it almost killed him, anger at her for lying there, for not waking up, for putting them through all of this. He let it all go, falling into it, letting the darkness take over, wash over him, cover him and swallow him up.
"You're not going to though, are you Maggie? You're just going to lie there. Lie there in your little cocoon, and I'm stuck here, falling apart, and all you do is lie there. Just lie there, sifting through it all, taking your own sweet time, while we, while the boys, your sons Mags, while Tom and Joe and I, we sit here, waiting for you. You just lie there and – and Maggie, wake up, Maggie, please, wake up - Mags, please," his voice broke on a sob, "Mags, I need you, wake up damnit" and it was only as his hands clenched her shoulders that he realised he was standing over her, had been shouting at her, almost screaming at her, and Colleen, the night nurse had been pulling at his arm, trying to stop him.
"Oh god," he collapsed in the chair as the enormity of his actions took their toll. Footsteps rushing down the corridor signaled Zoe's arrival, and a grateful Colleen left the room as Zoe came over, squatting down next to PJ.
"I didn't mean it, I didn't Zoe. I just, she won't wake up, why won't she wake up? What's wrong? Zo, why hasn't she woken up?" PJ said, tears of exhaustion, anger and frustration slipping down his cheeks as he sobbed. "I need her Zoe, I – "
Zoe carefully leant forward and enveloped him in a hug. "It's ok, PJ, let it out. You need to let it out. You've been so strong for everyone else, for the boys, for us and for the Boss, but this is eating you up, and it's not good to hold it in so much. You – PJ, you need to let go. You can't – not like before –
PJ stiffened in her arms. He knew exactly what she was talking about.
"Nick told you."
Zoe leant back, kneeling on the floor. "Yes, he did, and I'm glad he did. PJ, you can't let yourself get that wound up, that deep. You have the boys to think of, and Maggie too. She's going to come out of this, and when she does, she's going to need you. She's going to need you so much. And I know you. You might feel like this is never going to end, and you might wonder what the point of sitting here night after night is, but when she wakes up, when she looks at you and smiles, when she kisses you again – " Zoe smiled up at him." PJ, you need to sleep. You need to rest and I know it sounds trite, but take it from me, everything looks better after a good night's sleep."
PJ managed a small smile, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand. "That what you're going to tell her then?" he said, glancing over at Maggie.
"Of course" Zoe grinned back, relieved to see the edginess seep from PJ's stance. She'd been expecting this, knowing PJ as she did. He'd held everything in for so long, sitting there and waiting, his mind storing, sorting and creating various scenarios. He'd refused any medication to help him sleep, or even to help him relax, wanting to stay alert for Maggie, to be there when she woke up. Nick had mentioned the exhaustion he'd seen in his best friend's posture, in his dull blue eyes, and Zoe had told him she'd done all she could, that in its own way, this was having just a catastrophic effect on PJ as it had on Maggie.
"I'm sorry Zoe." PJ whispered, moving over and standing next to Maggie. Reaching behind him, he pulled his chair closer. "Can you tell – "
"Colleen" Zoe filled the pause, and PJ glanced at her, a thank-you written in his eyes.
"Yeah, Colleen, can you apologise for me?"
Zoe nodded, before coming up behind him, squatting down again, next to him as he slumped back in the chair, Maggie's hand once again entwined in his.
"PJ, - "
"I know. I'll try to get some sleep, I'll – "
"Take this" she said, holding out two small pills and a glass of water. "It's not strong, but it'll help you relax, and you'll feel better and you'll be in a better state of mind for her when she does wake up. And, PJ, it won't be long now. I think she's almost there, her charts show she's coming out if it, slowly, but she's coming out of it."
PJ stared down at the tablets that now rested in his palm, looking up at Zoe who nodded. "PJ, you trust me?"
He nodded, before washing the tablets down with a large mouthful of water and returning his gaze to Maggie.