It took just over an hour for Vince to relax enough to fall asleep. He hadn't said another word since he'd told Kath about his past and now she was just watching his chest rise and fall in the soft rhythm of sleep. She hoped his dreams were peaceful. She didn't think she could bear it if they took him back in time twenty years but, by the look on his face, he was happy enough. She brushed his hair lightly with her fingers. She'd seen pictures of him when he was younger, long black hair tumbling all over his shoulders. She couldn't help wondering if, had the treatment never happened, his hair would still be long. She sighed, tears threatening to spill again as she remembered the mechanical, matter-of-fact way he'd spoken and the hideous things he'd said.
--
Inside, Kath was a wreck but she stayed as strong as she could for Vince. She told him that she didn't want him to move out and that they could live together as friends as long as he wanted (or perhaps needed). For the first few days, she tried to get him to open up to her again to get it off his chest. She'd heard that talking can help but every time she mentioned it, Vince shut down completely. She tried to encourage him to embrace being gay;
"Mmm, Brad Pitt's soooo hot. Don't you think Vince?" she would ask as they watched Thelma and Louise but Vince just shrugged and said,
"How would I know?"
She tried to be patient but his snapping and temper tantrums were more than she could cope with. But worse, much worse than any of this, was the fact that she couldn't stop herself loving him and that's why she had to call on all her courage a couple of weeks later.
They were watching a fairly nondescript film. Vince wasn't even sure what it was but he wasn't sure about much at all these days. He looked down the sofa and saw Kath, pretending to be engrossed in the drama. He could tell she was pretending. He knew everything about her. He knew every line of her face, every delicate curve of her body. He knew her favourite food, colour, country, animal. He could tell you anything you wanted to know about her and that's when it hit him. That was love. The knowing she's upset even though she's smiling. The way he can tell what she's thinking. The way he knows all those things about her.
Slowly he sidled up to her and kissed her furiously. It took Kath a while to figure out what was happening and then she was torn in an argument between her heart and her head. Surprisingly, her head won the fight and she shoved Vince away from her screaming,
"Stop it!"
"What?" he asked, in total confusion. "Don't you love me anymore?"
"Of course I do." she sighed, she could feel tears prickling her eyes. This was harder and more confusing than anything she'd ever dealt with in her life before.
"And I love you." he insisted. It would be easy, so, so easy to give in to the insistence and surrender to the lie. To carry on as though this was the perfect relationship like she'd always thought it had been. And then, the rational side of her brain cut in and reminded her that whatever she's going through, Vince's emotions are a million times worse.
"You don't love me." she sighed. "You only thought you did."
"No I-"
"Shhhh." she soothed, touching his temple gently. "I know this is hard Vince. It's hard for both of us. But… I don't think that I could ever make you feel the same way Howard does."
"Howard." Vince suddenly gasped, as though someone had breathed new life to him. He was animated now and a little panicked.
"What?"
"I left him at his flat. I just ran away from him."
"Why?"
"Because he…" Vince stopped. He couldn't tell Kath he'd kissed a man whilst she was still with him, so he settled for, "…he made me remember. I couldn't cope so I ran away. Damn. That was over a fortnight ago. He's going to hate me."
"Maybe you should ring him up. Organize a date." she grinned, poking Vince playfully in the dropped his gaze to his lap and, much to Kath's surprise, whispered,
"I… I think… I think I'd like that."
"Really?" she asked. The man nodded and she squealed because she was genuinely proud and excited by the tiny step Vince had taken. "I'll get the phone."
She carried the telephone across the room, carefully manoeuvring the wire around various obstacles and passed the phone to Vince. He took the phone and placed it on his lap, just staring at it for a second before asking Kath if she could leave him alone.
She obliged but she could feel her heart hammering in her chest as she crossed to the hall. And, as she watched through the crack between the door and the wall, part of her knew she was doing the right thing but the other part just kept reminding her that she was losing him forever.
Vince dialled Howard's number slowly, as though every number was vital. He held the phone to his ear and took a deep breath. He felt partially like he was dying and partially as though he was being born again. His heart skipped a beat when he heard Howard's voice.
"Hello."
This was it. He was going to ask him, the thing he'd always wanted to ask but never could. The thing he was always blocked from but there were no more barriers anymore.
"Helloooooooo." Howard's voice called down the line again.
And that's when Vince discovered his final barrier, himself. He couldn't speak. His throat was too dry. Kath watched him corpsing like an actor, who'd forgotten his lines but the line was easy, it was just 'hello'. It was the execution that was causing him such a problem. Suddenly. Vince hung up the phone and ran to the toilet. Kath could hear him vomiting from the kitchen. She almost cried. The man was so messed up and all because of his father's ridiculous prejudices.
--
A few days later he worked up the courage to ring Howard again. Kath refused to leave his side this time.
"I'm right here in case you need someone to prompt you to say 'hello'." she smiled cheekily. He flashed her a grin, before his face fell into nervous disarray. Kath's heart felt heavy. Vince had been getting better since that last failed phone call. He'd even gone back to work and he'd been bubbly and happy again but now he looked tormented. Maybe this wasn't the best thing for him but he was determined to beat this and he dialled the number purposefully.
"Hello." Howard's voice rang into his ear. He glanced at Kath, terror in his eyes but she just nodded encouragingly and he mirrored her movement took a deep breath and whispered,
"Howard?"
"Yes."
"It's V-vince. Vince Noir." Kath smiled. Vince seemed so nervous about this phone call. He was taking a big step and she was proud of him.
"Oh. Erm. Hi."
"Hi."
He glanced at Kath again with eyes that were saying, please get out now, this is private and she took the hint.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"Hi." This was ridiculous Vince frowned. They couldn't just keep saying 'hi' for the rest of their lives and then Howard said something totally unexpected.
"I'm sorry Vince."
"What?"
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for trying to you know, kiss you. I know you've got a girlfriend and that you're not… you know, gay."
Vince's whole body tensed at the word but he breathed out slowly and fought back the nausea.
"We've split up."
"What?"
"Me and Katharine. We're not together anymore."
"Oh. I'm sorry. I…"
"I'd like to meet up with you." Vince blurted out before he allowed any part of him to stop the words.
"What?" Howard sounded stunned and Vince could completely understand that. The last time he'd seen Vince he'd been running away like the victim of attempted rape.
"You know, like… together. No one else just us. On a…" Vince stalled. He physically couldn't force out the next word. The bile rose and churned in his stomach and he thought he was going to hurl but he bit his lip hard. He had to fight off this feeling. It would get easier, he promised himself, it would be worth it.
"Do you…" Howard sounded shaky and uncertain. "Do you mean like a… a date?"
"Yes." gasped Vince quickly. "Yes. What do you think?"
"I'd love to."
"Okay. Great. I'll meet you at the King's Head on Friday at eight. Is that okay with you?"
"Yeah." Howard said.
"Okay. See you then." Vince went to hang up and stopped just before the receiver was replaced.
"You still there Howard?" he asked hopefully.
"Yeah."
"Good. I'm sorry I ran away from you. I was just being stupid."
Howard was about to say it wasn't a problem as the dial tone buzzed sharply in his ear.
--
Vince wore his nicest jeans and his best shirt. He twirled a couple of times in front of the mirror. He didn't look quite right. He wanted to stun Howard. He wanted him to think that Vince had been worth the wait, would be worth the long fight he knew was ahead of them. He sighed dejectedly. No one was worth the kind of fight Vince needed. He was broken. A fractured soul and a manipulated heart. Howard wouldn't be willing to struggle through all this. No one would. He was sure of it.
"You look nice." Kath commented, as Vince walked through the sitting room to the front door.
"You don't think it's too much?"
Kath shook her head. "Anyway, you said he knows you better than anyone."
"He used to." Vince muttered glumly.
"Look, he wont care what you're wearing." Kath promised, standing up and rubbing his arm gently. "Just go, be yourself and please Vince, try to enjoy yourself."
Vince nodded his muted agreement and mumbled something about being back later.
"Alright. Ring me if you need anything, okay? And Vince, talk to him. He deserves to know the truth."
Kath's words were still reverberating around his skull as he entered the pub. It might have been his imagination but everyone seemed to be scowling at him as he walked up to the bar. Maybe they knew, maybe they all knew and they were just waiting for the moment they could attack him. Vince ordered a pint and sipped it nervously at the bar. His blue eyes flicked around the room but he couldn't see anyone he recognised, just a sea of angry, potential thugs.
Five minutes later, his nerves were shot to pieces. His hand around his glass was trembling. He was convinced that the burly bloke in the corner had a knife and he was fairly confident the barmaid was ready to glass him. He knew they all hated him. They all knew what he was. He took another sip, trembling so much his mouth nearly missed the glass.
"Are you okay?" The barmaid asked gently.
"Don't hurt me." he cried. She frowned in utter confusion giving Vince enough time to compose himself and say, "I'm sorry." before retreating to a dark corner to wait.
Only seconds later, Howard came through the door. Vince's heart skipped a beat, skipped several beats. He had his long brown coat wrapped around his middle and his hair was everywhere (or perhaps windswept). He straightened himself out a little and walked to the bar. He searched the room feverishly but Vince shrunk into the shadows of his alcove. Now that they were both here, this seemed ridiculous. Kath was at home, Kath the woman he loved. The woman who could give him everything. He didn't need Howard. He stood up quietly and tried to sneak out past his old friend without being noticed. As he crept behind Howard, his heart was pounding so hard he was sure Howard would hear it. He watched his friend, carefully trying to avoid contact and then, he fell straight over a chair. Now the whole room really was looking at him, sprawled out on the floor, arms and legs jutting out everywhere.
"Vince." he heard Howard's voice question as he and another man yanked him to his feet. "Are you okay? How many have you had?"
"Just one. I just wasn't looking where I was going."
"Whatever you say mate." laughed the other man. "You looked like you were wasted, creeping around and walking into things."
Vince smiled politely and thanked him for his help. The man shrugged and sat back down. It was only then that Vince realised Howard was still holding his arm. He yanked it away and mumbled something about sitting in the corner and Howard followed him to the table.
"Are you okay?" Howard asked, when he'd had a few sips of beer.
"Yeah. You?"
"No, I mean... were you trying to sneak out?"
"No." Vince lied, too quickly, too loudly and with bright red cheeks.
"It's okay." Howard soothed, reaching out a hand and squeezing Vince's fingers. "I'm nervous too."
Vince immediately snatched his hand away. He could feel the urge to be sick bubbling up inside him but he fought it back. Not now, not anymore. He forced a smile at Howard, trying to ignore how hurt he looked.
"You look really nice." Howard tried again, his own cheeks flushing a little now.
"Thanks." and then after a moment of uncomfortable shuffling; "You too."
"Look, are you sure you're okay. If you don't want to do this, we could just start this evening again and be here as mates."
"No." Vince cried, with sudden realisation that that would be the worst thing that could possibly happen. "No. It's just… all these people." he looked around at the virtually empty pub. "I'm sorry. I'm just being stupid."
"Right." The silence that wrapped around them was suffocating. "So," Howard tried, feeling as though this was as good a time as any to bring up Vince's questionable sexuality. "I thought you weren't gay." he chuckled a little and nervously sipped his drink. It wasn't until the words left his mouth that he realised what a stupid thing to say it might have been.
"I'm not. And keep your voice down." Vince hushed urgently.
"Why? What do you think they're going to do?"
The smaller man shrugged, his eyes still firmly in his pint. He hadn't looked at Howard since they'd been here.
"Can we go to yours?" Vince blurted out suddenly.
"Vince. We've only been on one date." joked Howard.
"No!" Vince cried, horror contorting his face. "I didn't mean…"
"I know you didn't." smiled Howard uneasily. "Umm, I guess we could, if you want. We'll get a takeaway on the way back."
Vince nodded gratefully and stood up.
Howard thought about trying to hold Vince's hand but he just sensed there'd be some kind of uproar at even an attempt of physical contact. Despite knowing that, Howard couldn't help feeling that Vince was stood very close, their legs bumping together as they walked along and he was quiet, far too quiet for everything to be okay. Howard had never known his friend to be so wistful and he just wished he'd start babbling on about some new band he was into.
Amazingly, as the front door to his flat closed behind them, his wish almost came true.
"You still got the DVD player?" Vince asked, walking into the living room. Howard almost jumped in surprise at the fact Vince had opted to speak first.
"No. They've taken it back. I'm writing an article on this new Nintendo game. It's supposed to be brilliant but I don't get it myself."
"I'll play." Vince said, that trademark grin suddenly invading his previously distressed face. "I love Nintendo. You know Howard, I'm beginning to think you've got the best job in the world."
The older man laughed and assured Vince that was not the case as he set up the game station and Vince laid out the fish and chips on a little plywood table.
They'd been playing a while, Vince cackling with glee when he beat Howard, which was every time they played.
"Come on old man." he was shouting as he blasted the last of Howard's army men to smithereens.
"Oi. Less of the old. I'm the same age as you and don't you forget it."
"Alright, alright." Vince giggled, setting his controller down on the floor. He relaxed back into the sofa and leant over to take a chip from the newspaper
Howard watched Vince, mouth agape, as he slowly nibbled around the edge of the chip, tiny teeth nipping away at the edges with delicate precision before the chip was popped into his mouth. It was unfair that anyone could be that perfect that... watchable.
"What?" Vince asked, when he'd finished.
"Nothing." Howard said, shaking his head and blushing a little at having been caught staring. "I'll tidy the game up. D'you want to see if there's a film on?"
There wasn't. There was the news at 10 and a rerun of The Simpsons on channel four, which of course caused an argument.
"But the news is boring!" groaned Vince, holding the remote high above his head and looking at Howard flirtatiously.
"That's not going to work, is it little man?" smiled Howard, walking towards his friend. "I'm taller than you." he laughed grabbing the arm holding the remote as Vince backed into the wall. Vince smiled, looking up at him though his long lashes. Howard was now inches from Vince. Their breath was mingling in warm pants of a apprehension. They were lost now, the only contact was Howard's hand on his wrist but it felt like their souls were dancing just through the sparks in their eyes. Howard's hand went to Vince's face, cupping his cheek and lifting his chin upwards. Vince just let it happen, the remote falling from his limp fingers; the TV forgotten. Howard moved forward and Vince angled a little, inviting him in. Their lips brushed together and suddenly, Vince's brain exploded. He saw a fist connect with his face, he saw Howard's face being licked with fire and the pain clenched his stomach. He ducked out from under Howard and ran to the other side of the room, in a cold sweat. His hands ringing nervously.
Howard turned around and saw Vince huddled in the corner of the room.
"What's going on Vince?"
"I can't." he whispered.
"You can't? What was today about? Are you trying to mess with me Vince? I really like you. I'd love it if we could be more than friends and you said you were gay once but if you're not then… Look, I don't want to lose you because we're pushing something that you're not."
"No. You don't understand." Vince said. Howard was sick of being told that.
"Make me understand." he urged.
"I want to." Vince whispered.
"Want to what?"
"Want to kiss you, to be with you. I just can't. Not yet."
"Vince, you're not making any sense."
"I'm sorry." Vince said, "I'll go."
"I don't want you to go. I just want you to tell me what's going on."
"I like you Howard but I can't do anything. Not yet."
"Why not?"
"Because… I just can't." Vince stammered. "I'm gonna go." he said, walking quickly to the door.
"No. Stay. Don't walk away from me again… please!"
There were tears in his eyes, when Vince turned to look at Howard. He looked tormented and… guilty?
"I'm can't stay. I'm sorry."
"I'll walk you home."
"No." Vince cried desperately.
"What are you hiding?"
"Nothing. Nothing. I just, I need time." and with that he burst through the door and ran, ignoring Howard's pleas for him to stop and come back. He rounded the corner, collapsed against a wall and almost threw up, though he wasn't sure if that was because of what had happened or because his lungs were close to explosion.
Back at the flat, Howard collapsed into the sofa and sighed and then thoughts started to race through his head. What was Vince playing at? Why was he acting so strangely? What was he hiding?