Howard and Vince kept meeting up; four times a week, five times a week, everyday. Vince started to stay over at Howard's more often. He even appeared in the middle of the night once and just demanded a cuddle to help him sleep. Howard, despite being bleary eyed and mid-dream of Jazz writing freedom, of course invited him in and held Vince until he was snuggling up to him like a tiny baby. It was that night, as he stroked his hand through Vince's hair, soothing him, that he noticed how much longer his hair had become. The next morning he asked Vince about it. He just shrugged mumbling something about always liking his long hair when he was a child.
Vince became more confident on the street, touching Howard's hand, holding it when there weren't many people around and he always walked incredibly close to him but he still couldn't kiss him, not in public. He was too afraid of what people would think and that was what made him most nervous, other people. He knew he shouldn't care what others thought but it was because of what other's had thought that had led to his horrific past.
Vince was sat at a table in the King's Head waiting for Howard to return with their pints. Behind the bar was one of those young, overtly camp student-types and Vince could see he was flirting with Howard. Howard looked embarrassed and a little uncomfortable under the scrutiny of such a gorgeous and particularly forward young man but that didn't stop the jealously building in Vince's gut. He could hear a voice in the back of his mind telling him that, if he wasn't careful, he'd lose Howard to a confident boy like that.
--
"Did you ever go for guys like him?" Vince asked when they were safely sat on the sofa at his own house. Kath was away with some friends for a couple of days. It seemed they'd thought she needed some time away from her ex, who she still lived with for, what to them seemed, no decent reason. Of course they didn't know the truth, Kath would never betray Vince's trust like that but everyone had agreed it would be a good idea for Kath to get out and meet new people.
So, with the house empty, Vince had managed, in the nicest possible way, to persuade Howard that they would be more comfortable at his three bedroom home than Howard's dingy studio flat.
"Like what?" Howard asked, racking his brains to think who Vince could be referring to.
"The guy behind the bar."
"What? In the pub?"
"Yeah."
"No." laughed Howard. "God no. He was far too young."
"But he was flirting with you." Vince sulked a bit. He knew was acting like a spoilt kid but he didn't really care.
Howard looked over to him and smirked a little,
"Were you jealous?" he asked.
"No." lied Vince, eyes darting to his knees.
"You've got no need to be jealous." Howard assured him, shuffling closer to him on the sofa and taking his hand. "I don't care about anyone else. Just you."
"You're not gonna wait forever for me to be better though, are you?"
"I'll wait as long as I have to." Howard promised and suddenly Vince was on him, kissing him furiously. Desperate, needy kisses to the neck, the jaw, nipping at any exposed flesh and Howard gasped at the intensity. He felt nimble fingers fiddling with the buttons of his shirt, popping them open one at a time, slipping a hand inside, just resting on his chest as they kissed frantically.
Vince got to his feet and reached out a hand to Howard. He took it and felt himself being pulled to his feet. Slowly, Vince began to lead Howard upstairs to the bedroom. Vince chewed anxiously on his lip and he was shaking a little with every step. It was obvious he was nervous as he sat on the bed and looked up at Howard.
"I don't know what I'm…" he trailed off, chewing his thumb and looking anywhere except Howard's eyes.
"Vince we don't have to." Howard promised, sitting next to Vince on the huge soft bed.
"I want to." Vince said sternly, though he still couldn't make eye contact.
"You don't have to prove anything to me."
"I know. I'm proving it to me."
Howard placed his hand on Vince's cheek, rubbing over his cheekbone softly with his thumb as he forced the younger man to look him in the eye;
"Are you absolutely sure?" he asked seriously. He really needed to know. He couldn't bear the thought of Vince collapsing with guilt or not being able to go through with it and ending up back at square one but Vince looked defiant and serious and fixed Howard with his beautiful blue peepers.
"I'm sure." he promised and, grabbing a fistful of Howard's shirt, dragged him into a white hot kiss.
--
Vince didn't sleep that night. He just stayed still, staring out into the light, which was creeping through the curtains. He was curled around Howard, taking comfort from the rise and fall of his chest. He cried silently and it was strange because he was happy, happier than he'd ever been but there was still the nagging doubt that told him all this was wrong. He ignored it and cuddled closer to Howard but he couldn't relax. Every time he closed his eyes he saw the images, vivid and sharp. His dad chanting at him. The flames on his paintings. The videos from the centre. The pain would return and the tiny voice that was constantly telling him this was wrong would be screaming. So he stayed awake and he listened to Howard sleeping, sometimes pressing a kiss to Howard's chest, just reminding himself that Howard was worth all of this. He really hoped he was.
--
In the morning, Howard woke to find Vince gone. He panicked. Maybe he'd had second thoughts. He'd certainly been quiet afterwards, though Howard had just put that down to being tired or at least that's what he liked to think. But the empty bed and silent house suggested otherwise. Though, Howard reasoned, where could Vince really go? This was, after all, his house. Howard got slowly to his feet and pulled on his trousers. His mind was racing and the one thought that simply wouldn't leave him alone was… what if he's done something stupid?
Howard had seen Vince self-harm before. He'd seen what the process had done to him at it's worse. Had last night been one step too far?
"Vince." he called anxiously, as he ventured out onto the landing. "Vince."
There was no reply so he walked cautiously down the stairs. He searched the house feverishly but it was obvious he was alone. He slumped onto the sofa. He was stupid. He knew Vince hadn't been ready. He knew he should have waited longer. Just then the doorbell went. Howard ignored it. He couldn't answer Vince's door dressed in just his trousers with his hair all messy, who knew what people would think. It rang again. And again. And again. And again and again and again. Whoever was at the door was really desperate to come in.
Suddenly, Howard heard Vince's voice drift through the wooden door,
"Oi. Howard, you bumberclaat! I can't get my keys out of my pocket. Let me in."
Stunned, Howard leapt to his feet and all but ran to the door. He opened it and Vince held up four shopping bags proudly;
"Didn't have anything in for breakfast." he grinned as an explanation. "And I wasn't sure what milk you liked so I've got three different ones."
Howard raised an eyebrow. "I'd have had whatever."
"I know but… I just wanted to say 'thank you' for sticking with me and being patient and… well just for everything." he grinned wickedly as he remembered the night before.
"Vince." Howard smiled and ruffled his hair lightly. "I thought you'd done a runner."
"Oh." laughed Vince. "Sorry."
"Don't be. Are you okay? You're not, you know, regretting it."
"Not at all." Vince said and it was almost true; definitely progress.
After that, they became virtually inseparable. Katharine returned home from her holiday to find Vince much happier and much more like the Vince she remembered.
"You know." she said one evening, whilst they were watching some mind numbing television. "Maybe we should think of finding separate homes."
"What?" Vince asked horrified, his head snapping to look at Kath, his face pale. He knew he'd mentioned it in the past but he didn't actually want to move out.
"You don't need me anymore." she said. Vince wasn't so sure. He still had bad days. He still needed her for support in the middle of the night when the nightmares returned. He didn't want to lose her altogether and he certainly didn't want to live alone. The thought terrified him. He told Kath this and she smiled at him and said;
"Well, I wonder who you could possibly move in with."
"What? Howard?"
"Yes. You practically live at his anyway. How much of your stuff is actually still in this house?"
"Ummm." If he was honest, his stuff was probably evenly split between the flat and the house but that didn't mean he didn't need this place to come home to, when the feelings of doubt became too strong.
"Look, I know it's still not perfect." she said sensitively.
"You can say that again." Vince mumbled. "You know I practically slapped him the other day because he went to kiss me on the cheek in public."
"Oh."
"I thought he was gonna cry, he looked so miserable."
"I'm sure he understood."
"But that's exactly it. He's so understanding. No one else would put up with all this."
"Well, maybe that's the sign that he's the one."
"Oh that's not the only sign." winked Vince and then he sighed. "I'd really love to move in with him but… what if I have a nightmare about him? I wouldn't be able to talk to him about it and that would just upset him."
"I'll always be at the other end of the telephone."
"Do you mean that?"
"Of course." Kath promised solemnly.
--
As soon as Vince mentioned moving out of Kath's, Howard was suggesting he move in with him.
"I mean it." Howard said, sloshing beer over his glass and all over the pub table in excitement. "We'll just move your stuff to mine. Hey, maybe we could look for a bigger flat? If we combine our income we could easily afford a nice, one-bedroom apartment."
"Mmm." Vince nodded, sipping his drink thoughtfully.
Howard halted., mid-mini domestic fantasy. "Or two bedroom… if you prefer."
"No, it's not that it's just…"
Howard stopped as a wave of realisation crashed over him. "You don't want to… that's fine too. It was just an idea. A stupid, mad idea. Forget I ever said anything." he gabbled.
"What?" Vince asked. He was pretty sure no one had ever U-turned so quickly before, "No! I-I do want to move in with you."
"You do?"
"Yeah, I'm just… thinking."
"About?"
"House stuff."
"Like?"
"Can I redecorate your place?"
Howard laughed. "Is that what you're worried about?"
Vince nodded. "Well yeah. I don't think I could live there if it's covered in those black water stains and stuff." He pulled a disapproving face and Howard laughed.
"You can do what you like."
"Cool." grinned Vince, sipping more beer.
"So is this it? Are you moving in?"
"Looks like it." laughed Vince as Howard's face lit up like a torch. Howard leant forward to kiss Vince, who immediately flinched away.
"Oh. Sorry." Howard said quickly as he slumped, dejected, back into his seat. "I just forget, you know."
"No. I'm sorry. It's just…" Vince looked around at the other people in the pub. "them." he whispered.
"I know." Howard said to his pint.
"I'm sorry." Vince said.
"It's okay. You'll get there." Howard smiled weakly.
"I will." Vince agreed, returning a similar smile.
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