It was over a week before they saw each other again. Neither was sure who was supposed to call first, neither was sure if the other was still angry. Eventually, it was Vince who plucked up the courage to pick up the phone and only because Kath was stood over him like a teacher disciplining a naughty school child. They arranged to meet up at a fancy restaurant not far away, which they'd only been to once before because it was more expensive than either was used to.

Howard was nervous when he stepped through the door and asked the waiter if a Mr Noir was there yet. The waiter nodded and showed Howard to a table in a secluded alcove near the fireless fireplace. Sat with his back to the room, Vince was hunched over his hands ringing together in his lap, a sure sign he was anxious about this meeting too. It was strange. Really, this should have been just like every other date they'd been on but they'd both managed to build this up to be more important than any of the others. This was the first date after a fight, this was the time to discover if they could make it through bad patches. Not that the whole relationship so far hadn't been a bad patch.

"Hi." Howard said as casually as he could manage as he sat on the seat opposite Vince.

"Hey."

"How are you?"

"Fine. You?"

"Yeah. Fine."

"Good."

Then the waiter took their drink orders, a bottle of red and jug of water, and left. Suddenly, neither could find a thing to say. The silence stretched on and on. They were both trying to avoid eye contact, looking at anybody else in the busy dining hall. Thankfully, it was a Friday so there was plenty to distract them but they also couldn't help stealing glances at each other, like teenagers with a crush.

Eventually, the waiter returned and set down two wine glasses. He looked at Vince and then Howard and back to Vince in confusion and eventually said;

"Erm, who wants to taste?"

"You can." Vince smiled to Howard. "All wine tastes the same to me."

"Very well." said the waiter. He poured less than two mouthfuls into Howard's glass. He made a big show of taking a sip, nodded and the waiter left the bottle. Both men reached for the bottle at the same time. Their fingers brushed together and they both leapt away like they'd been jolted by an electric shock.

"Sorry" mumbled Howard.

"For what?" Vince said quickly. Their eyes met and they stared at each other for a moment.

"For… everything." Howard sighed, "I'm sorry I was mean about your dad. I should have thought about how you felt. If you have to go to the funeral, that's fine."

"Thank you." Vince smiled. "I just need closure. And I'm sorry too for slapping you and for suggesting you didn't understand me. Coz… truth is Howard, no one's ever understood me as well as you do, not even me."

Howard smiled and touched Vince's hand gently. He didn't even flinch. Just looked at their joined hands and smiled warmly at the older man. Howard smiled back.

"When's the funeral?" he asked softly.

"Tuesday."

"I'd like to come with you."

Howard saw the uncertainty in Vince's expression. He knew rejection was coming. He braced himself as Vince brought his hands to fiddle with his serviette; anything to avoid eye contact with Howard.

"I don't think that would be right, given the circumstances."

"What d'you mean?"

"Dad never wanted me to be… like this. I just think it would be a bit… disrespectful to turn up with my…" Vince faltered. They hadn't really defined what it was they were yet so he settled with; "you."

"Oh. Right." Howard said, swirling his wine around in his glass, just watching the dark liquid slosh against the sides.

"And I'm not sure I could walk into a church with you either. I still… I mean he… he believed that…" Vince stopped. He pressed his hands to the corner of his teary eyes. He was not going to cry.

"It's okay." Howard whispered, reaching across to cup Vince's cheek. Vince looked up at Howard. His eyes still teary, he gave a watery smile.

"You will come with me to the hotel though, won't you?"

"If you want me too, little man."

"I do."

After that, the conversation was lighter and less painful. They laughed and joked. Vince told Howard about a caller who'd rung the station and asked for a song so obscure the runner had to go out and buy it from a tiny record store called 'Hot Disks', which was well known for selling every music disk ever made. Howard told Vince about a piece he had to do on the Rubix Cube's fifteenth anniversary.

"I was brilliant at Rubix cubes" Vince said proudly.

"Really? I bet you were the kind of person you used to steam off the stickers and glue them so all the same colours were on the same sides.""Oh." Vince smiled coyly. Howard knew just a little too well sometimes. "Well… no one used to say anything."

Howard coughed a little, "Probably because they felt the had to let you win. Other wise you used to moan for weeks."

"I did not moan…"Howard raised an eyebrow and gave him a look, which made Vince smile sheepishly and finish with; "…much."

Afterwards, they went their separate ways with no more than a hug, which left both feeling a little uncomfortable and strange about the arrangement. Howard thought about trying to kiss Vince, just on the cheek, but he knew the younger man would only reject him in public and he couldn't take that. Not again.

"Look at that." gasped Vince, peering through the glass of the car. He'd only been awake ten minutes but he'd already pointed out about a hundred and fifty things from their childhood. They'd been in the car hours and Howard just wanted to sleep. He was absolutely exhausted. It hadn't been an easy drive, though this drive never was. There were too many twists and turns, too many speed cameras and hairpin bends and it hadn't helped that his only source of entertainment had fallen asleep only forty five minutes into the journey.

"Look at that!" Vince cried again. "D'you remember that shop? We used to buy sweets there on the way home from school."

"Oh yeah." Howard said, though he really wasn't paying any attention. He was just scrutinising the signs in the hope that one of them would show him to 'Mr and Mrs Carter's B&B'. Eventually, he found one and followed the signposts carefully until they were parked up outside the large, stone built cottage. He sighed. He was stiff from all the driving and every time he moved, his neck and back protested in agony. Maybe he should have taken a few breaks but he was too impatient to keep stopping all the time and it would have added another hour to the journey.

Howard got out of the car slowly, allowing his body to adjust to a change in position. Vince just ran on ahead to get the key and check in leaving Howard to drag in the heavy suitcases. He glanced up at the old building. They'd never ventured to this part of the village when they were kids but he was fairly sure Mrs Carter had been a member of the parish book club. He wondered if she would recognise either of them.

As it happened, there was a young woman behind the desk, who probably wouldn't have been old enough to remember them let alone recognise them and now Howard thought about it, he could vaguely remember the Carter's having a daughter christened, when he was about ten. He smiled politely at her. She returned it and said,

"Room number 3. It's down that corridor on your left." Howard thanked her and peered in the direction she was pointing. He could see Vince already fitting the key into the lock and beckoning to Howard to hurry up. Howard sighed, picked up the suitcases and staggered to the room.

Howard was disappointed, but not surprised, to find two single beds. Vince had booked the room after all. He dropped the cases and sat heavily on the bed, groaning about his sore muscles. He felt Vince crawl up behind him and start kneading his knuckles into Howard's neck. Howard moaned a little and allowed his head to loll forward, giving Vince better access to his aching muscles.

"You're all tense Howard." Vince said after a minute.

"That's driving for you. Be happy you never learned."

"Mm." Vince agreed but he thought it was more than that. This was stress induced tension and Howard was a bit off anyway. He could tell something was bothering Howard. Then he realised what.

"We can push the beds together." Vince murmured, kissing a bit of Howard's bare neck. "I just don't want anyone to tell my mum. It would devastate her."

Howard nodded and turned his head to kiss him properly. It was a weird angle but they managed it and Howard tried to ignore the fact his love had been hidden once again.

--

Vince was in the shower and Howard was lying on his bed, his eyelids were drooping but he couldn't sleep. He hadn't slept on a single bed since he was a child. They weren't big enough for him anymore and he always managed to wake up because he'd knocked his arm on something or because he'd nearly fallen out. He groaned and sat himself up. He was irrationally angry and he knew it wasn't about the fact he had to sleep on a single bed. It was more about the fact Vince had still booked a twin room - despite how far they'd come. And Howard, despite himself, began to wonder how much more denial he could take because, although he pretended it didn't matter and put on a brave face, the truth was every time something like this happened it was like a blow to the heart with a sledge hammer. His heart was getting fragile now and he didn't know how many more blows it could take.

--

They had pushed the beds together in the end but it still resulted in them sleeping on their separate beds because, as it turned out, it was incredibly uncomfortable to lie on the dip that appeared where the two beds met. This had meant Howard, with rejection coursing through his veins, had had to turn his back on Vince and sleep facing towards the curtains. He slept uneasily and woke at every little sound; next door's TV set, noble bin men in the car park outside, birds calling a song into the morning, Vince going to the bathroom. And that was it, he was awake. As soon as he knew Vince was up, there was no way he was going to go back to sleep. He pushed himself up and leant against the old wooden headboard. He reached across to flick on the light and looked around at the old floral decoration on the curtains and matching design on the bed covers for a moment or two before grabbing the TV remote and turning it on.

He was flicking through the three channels, when he heard the distinctive sound of retching coming from the bathroom. He quickly put the remote down and went to knock gently on the door.

"Vince." he called through the plastic. "Vince. Are you okay?"

"Yeah." the voice came back, strained and hoarse and lying.

"Vince. Don't be silly. Open the door. Talk to me. Let me in." There was no sound for a moment and then the almost noiseless click of the lock.

As soon as the door was unlocked, Howard shoved it open. Vince was knelt by the toilet, shaking fiercely, tears running down his pale cheeks.

"I… I had a nightmare." he sobbed. It sounded stupid. He sounded like a two year old who'd dreamt his sweets had been stolen or a teenager, who'd dreamt his car had been towed but Howard didn't think he was stupid. He just wrapped his arms around Vince, rubbing his back and pressed a gentle kiss into his long hair.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He could feel Vince's head shaking against him.

"Please Vince. Don't shut me out. Talk to me."

Silence for a moment, then Vince said "I was back there and my dad was with me. He told me that he and God would love me as long as I repented my sins." Vince sobbed harder for a moment, unable to regain his composure but he struggled on. "The images, the pain, the reds, the blacks; it all came back and all I could hear was 'repent your sins'. He wouldn't want me there today."

"Yes, he would." Howard promised sternly.

"I can't walk into a church, into God's home, knowing what I am, what I've done."

"Vince. That's not the way it works anymore. The church is more open-minded nowadays."

"But my dad wasn't. He wouldn't have wanted… this." He gestured wildly to himself and Howard. "If he wasn't already dead, this would have killed him." He slumped back against the bath, drew his knees up to his chest and sat, head in his hands. "I can't go." he concluded tearfully.

Howard took a deep breath and looked solemnly at Vince. He was a mess, a crumpled mess. He looked like wounded puppy in need of rescuing and reassurance.

"I think you should go."

"What?" he asked, his eyes snapping up to fix on Howard's. "You were against this entire trip."

"I know but you said you needed this for closure and I agree. I think you need to go to help end things in your mind. See your mum, talk to her. Talk to as many or as few people as you want and if you need me I'll be at the hotel. Just give me a ring and I'll be there in a matter of seconds."

"Do you mean that?"

"Which bit?"

"That you'll be there, if I need you."

"I'm always there if you need me. Always have been, ever since we were born. Inseparable since birth, like metaphorical conjoined twins." he smiled, trying to lighten the mood a little. Though that is a virtually impossible task when you're sat on the hard, tiled floor of a bathroom in a pokey hotel room on the morning of your boyfriend's homophobic Dad's funeral.

Despite that, Vince gave a small smile in return and rose slowly to his feet.

"Okay." he said determinedly, looking in the mirror. "Right, get out. I need to have a shower and fix my face."

Howard smiled and rose to his feet, kissing Vince roughly on the temple as he left.

Just over half an hour later, Vince was ready, well, except for his bloody tie. He was on his third attempt at tying it now. He hadn't knotted a tie since he was in school and it wasn't helping that his hands were shaking furiously.

"Here." Howard said, gently taking the tie, when he saw Vince was on the brink of losing it. He had it tied in seconds.

"Thanks." Vince said a little embarrassedly. "So, how do I look?"

Howard took a step back and looked Vince up and down. Smart black suit, black tie, black shoes, white shirt. He looked as though he were going to a funeral but Howard chose not to say that;

"You look beautiful." he said.

"Oh Howard." Vince groaned. "I wish you wouldn't say that. I'm a man, not a princess in a fairytale book." but he still blushed happily.

"Fine. You look handsome, better?"

"Much."

"And I'm very proud of you and you should be too."

Vince nodded mutedly and then, taking a deep breath, forced a smile and said; "Well, wish me luck."

"Good luck and remember I'm just a phone call away."

Vince nodded again and without another word, he was gone.

--

Howard sad twiddling his thumbs anxiously. He didn't want Vince to ring especially but he did want to know what was happening. He was desperately worried that Mrs Noir may persuade Vince that being gay was wrong. He was worried he would relapse if he saw his father's coffin. He was worried about the fact Vince had to go into a church and wondered if Vince would be able to prevent himself throwing up if the emotional conflict became too frenzied. Vince hadn't eaten anything that morning for that exact reason and that worried Howard too. What if Vince just fainted because he hadn't eaten enough? Howard checked his watch. It was still over quarter of an hour before the funeral would begin. He sighed and flopped back against the pillows, dragging his hands down his face. He felt helpless.

--

After about ten minutes of worrying, there was a call on the hotel phone. Howard leapt up and grabbed the receiver.

"Vince. Are you okay? What's happened?"

"Mr Moon." the Carter's daughter's voice cut in. "You've got a phone call at reception. Would you like to take it in your room?"

"Yes please." Howard could feel his face flushing a little, embarrassed by his mistake.

"Very well."

There was a click and a crackling sound and then Vince's voice coming in short, wet gasps,

"Howard? Howard, is that you now?"

"Yeah it's me. What's happened?"

"I- I can't. I can't go in there."

"Yes you can."

"I can't. I need you to help me. Please. I need you here."

"Where are you?"

"There's a phone box, opposite the church. I'm stood in that, crying like a baby girl."

"Vince. Don't beat yourself up. I'll be there now. Okay?"

Vince nodded and then, remembering Howard couldn't see him, whispered, "Okay."

Vince leant heavily against the glass and waited. Every time anyone walked past, he lifted the receiver, pretending to be talking as he hid his face in his long hair. He didn't want to risk being recognised again like he had outside the vicarage. He'd stood outside it for ages, just looking, remembering everything that had happened in that house; good times, bad times, all the times in-between. Then a woman, who he didn't strictly recognise but thought seemed familiar had walked over.

"Vincent?" she'd asked. "I thought you were dead. It is you, isn't it? Vincent Noir?"

It had been ages since anyone had called him Vincent, not since he'd left this village over twenty years ago, so there was some truth in his answer when he'd said;

"No. I'm not him."

"You look just like him." she'd exclaimed. "He went off the rails though. Mad by the end they say. Died so young, such a nice boy. Poor Vincent."

"Yeah. Poor Vincent." Vince had echoed wistfully, before making an excuse to leave. He'd thought about calling Howard then but he'd wanted to do this alone. Then he'd seen the Sunday School Poster and had to bite back the need to call Howard again but when he'd seen the looming church and the hundreds of villagers, thronging around talking about how greatly missed Reverend Noir would be. Every last piece of resilience in Vince's body had crumbled to dust and he'd rushed to the phone box.

--

Howard was only a few minutes. Vince watched the familiar car pull up next to the phone box and Howard jumped out.

"You okay?" he asked, as Vince hugged him tight.

Vince nodded and when he pulled away he kept their hands linked. He needed the sense of comfort that touching Howard brought him.

"It just all got too much. Look at that place." He looked at the church anxiously as though it were made of pure evil. "I'm not welcome there."

"Yes you are."

"I'm not. God hates sins. And everything I do with you is a sin."

"Isn't it hate the sin, not the sinner?" Howard asked. He was sure he'd heard that before at church or Sunday school or something.

"He hates us." Vince cried dramatically.

"God loves all his children Vincent." Said a third, croaky, sob-choked voice. Vince and Howard turned around to confront it. Ahead of them was a little old woman, staring pointedly at their joined hands. She was a little wizened, short and her would-be bright blue eyes were red and bloodshot, she'd obviously been crying a lot but there was no mistaking her…

"Mum?" Vince gasped, his grip on Howard's hand tightening. Part of him was screaming at him to let go of Howard, to pretend it was an accident he was holding his hand, to tell his mum about his girlfriend, Kath, but a bigger part was screaming; 'you need Howard' and he did.

"Hi." his mum said tearfully. "And you are welcome Vincent." Her eyes constantly flicking to their hands but she continued regardless of her inner feelings on the evidence ahead of her, "Your dad would have wanted you here. He loved you very much."

"He had a funny way of showing." muttered Howard bitterly.

"He was just doing what he thought was right at the time." she bit back angrily and then to Vince, she said gently, "He just didn't want you to rot in hell sweetie."

Howard winced as he felt the grip on his hand tighten. He looked at Vince. His eyes were wide. His face screwed up as though he were in absolute agony and he was shaking violently. Howard brushed his thumb over Vince's hand in a gesture he truly hoped was soothing whilst he glared at Vince's mother with hate in his eyes.

"What you put him through was worse than hell." Howard spat with venom coated distain. "The pain, the suffering. He didn't know who he was. He was self-harming, vomiting, bulimic, defecating involuntarily."

Vince looked at the floor. He wasn't embarrassed or angry. He didn't know how he felt, just sort of unfulfilled and empty but he could look at her. Not now.

"You knew all that." Howard continued, "But you didn't stop it."

"I thought it would make him better Howard!" She screamed. So she recognised him too. Of course she did. Hadn't she always dreaded the say where she'd find her son like this with this boy, well, man. She'd always known there'd never been anyone else in her son's life and she hated Howard for that. As far as she was concerned, Howard had never given her son a chance at a normal life. "I thought he was ill." she said, calmer now. "I thought that it was the only way of treating him. Cruel to be kind and all that. I know now that I was wrong."

"Hindsight's 20/20 vision." Howard snarled.

"I was told he was mentally ill." Mrs Noir said, her voice sounded as though she were trying to shout and trying not to cry at the same time. "I had no idea about the kind of things they did there. I thought it was just a school where they were treated for their illness and that was it. I knew something was wrong when he came home, but… but I was assured it was all p-part of the p-pro-process."

She began to weep into her hands and for the first time in a few minutes, Vince moved. He dropped Howard's hand and placed his arms tentatively around his mother's shaking shoulders. He held her as she wept uncontrollably in to the lapel of his jacket.

"I forgive you." he whispered in her ear, as he stepped back and grabbed Howard's hand again. He needed support for the next bit. He steeled himself and said,

"He knew. Didn't he? He knew exactly what was going on when I was there."

His mum nodded tearfully. Vince's eyes filled a little and he nodded in understanding. He looked up at the church, tall, dark menacing and choked out a little whisper;

"I can't go in, Mum."

She nodded. She understood as much as she ever would. So, knowing this was probably the last time she'd ever see her son, she pulled him into a hug.

"Just know Vincent," She whispered, because she couldn't speak any louder. The emotion inside her was constricting her breath, stealing her words, "he only did it because he loved you. He really thought he was doing the right thing."

"I know." Vince whispered in the same tone "And I forgive him too."

There is one more chapter to go guys! =O. Can't believe it's nearly all over!

You've all been SO generous with your reviews so far... could i perhaps beg for a couple more?? lol.
Seriously though, thanks for reading!!
Luv to you all!
xx