Author's Note: I know, I know-it's been forever and a day since my last update and for that I apologize but I'd been swarmed with school and work and my personal life, that and I haven't really had any ideas of where to go from my last chapter. However, I'm just going to jump ahead a few weeks, so that I can actually get this update posted once and for all. Thank you all for being so patient with me and I promise updates will become quicker now.
It was strange to believe all of the things she'd forgotten, about herself, about her mother, about her friends. It seemed as if time slipped away for her, and her memory was wiped clean. She could only see pieces and fragments of the girl she used to be, before the attack, but that too, was slowly slipping away-causing her to shrink further and further into herself. She was still silent, still battling with the demons in her head, still oh so angry, and still somehow managing to maintain a friendship with the pregnant haired blond girl whom she'd grown increasingly fond of over the past few weeks. However, she still couldn't help but feel some form of resentment towards her mother. She had, after all, ignored her daughter, but then again, Rachel thinks to herself-she had a good reason. Well, not a good one, per say, but a valid one.
It was Friday again, which meant she had the weekend to attempt any form of relaxation she wouldn't get during the week, as well as spending more time catching up on sleep. Or, at least she was going to try to. She still suffered from the night terrors and the panic attacks, but they'd begun to lessen at least a little bit-that is, until earlier that morning when the fear found its way back inside of her and she sprang up out of her bed. Her body shook and her heart pounded to the point she was sure it would jump out of her chest. It took her a few moments to come back to reality and take in her surroundings but once she did, her face crumbled, her chest heaved and all she could do was fall back on her pillow as silent tears poured from her eyes.
But she had moved on from that, at least for the time being and was now currently seated in the passenger side of Quinn's red convertible-soft music emitting from the radio, the windows down and a nice breeze blowing. She was at peace, her eyes closed as she rested her head back against the seat, eyes focused upward on the sky through the open sun roof. Quinn had yet to say a single word since they'd left McKinley, both opting for music and their thoughts instead.
It was broken however as they pulled into the driveway of Shelby's house and shut off the car, sitting for a few moments to soak in the moment. Quinn's soft voice is what breaks Rachel out of her catatonic stupor and she turns to face the blond with renewed concern and confusion.
"I know what it's like for you Rachel." Her voice is hushed, no hint of teasing or anger evident, just hushed and sad. "It may seem silly, and it probably is-but I do know what it's like. To want something so bad and know you can't have it, to constantly fear for your life and the life of those around you. To be so god damn angry that you just want to spit. To hurt so much that," She pauses, her voice breaking as a lone tears travels its way down her cheek. "That you can't even stand to look at yourself in the mirror, the constant feeling of shame and guilt overpowering you. I know Rachel, and so does your mom. Hell, everyone knows Rachel because everyone's felt that way at some time or another, everyone's been through it. But this, what you're going through at this very moment, is almost unfathomable. I've never been…" She pauses again, searching for the right word and also to make sure she still even has Rachel's attention. "I've never been lost though, not completely anyway. I've always been able to find my way back but with you, I'm afraid-I'm terrified that you'll be lost forever and won't ever find your way back. I want you back Rachel, I want the loud mouthed, over the top, diva antics and all Rachel Barry back. So does your mom and your dad's and your friends, but we all know it's hard. We all know it will take a while and we respect that, and we'll wait. We'll wait however long it takes because Rachel, you're special. You're so special, and it may not seem that way to you, but god-if anyone was going to make it out of the po dunk town, it'd be you. It will be you." When Quinn has finished her long winded speech she looks at the brunette, tears cascading down Rachel's pale, sickly face as she digs her fingernails into the leather material of the passenger seat. Quinn waits, unsure if she had said something wrong, miss-stepped somewhere until finally she sees Rachel leaning towards her, arms out.
'Hug?' She mouths silently, pulling Quinn into a warm embrace before she has a chance to throw out an answer. Quinn nestles her head into Rachel's shoulder and rubs her back in soothing circles, content to just stay this way until a tapping on the window ushers them apart and they see a sadly smiling Shelby standing just outside of Quinn's car door.
"Are you two planning on coming in?" She asks, teasingly. "You've been out here for twenty minutes."
Quinn blushes noticeably and nods her head before sending a quick glance over at Rachel who has already taken off her seatbelt and launched herself into her mother's arms. Quinn slowly slides out of the car and stands back for a moment, watching the interaction with a small smile on her face. Shelby's face is contorted in anguish and love for her daughter, her eyes squeezed shut as she nuzzles her face into Rachel's hair while Rachel audibly sobs with happiness as she grips onto Shelby's shirt, clinging fearfully to it, afraid that if she lets go she'll lose her mother once again.
When the two pull away, Shelby gestures Rachel and Quinn inside of the house, both happily trailing behind. Rachel had insisted she stay with Shelby for the weekend, not wanting to be terrorized by the nightmares plaguing her. At least not alone, she needed comfort, she needed her mother. Rachel loves her fathers, she does, but they're also men she realizes and she still hasn't found herself comfortable enough to be around men yet. At least not alone, not after the attack. It's only been a matter of weeks, but to Rachel it feels like an entire eternity has passed, yet she's still fearful, still so broken.
As the three women take a seat on the couch, Rachel sinks back into her mother's touch, eyes closing in content. Shelby strokes her daughter's hair lovingly as she looks at Quinn, silently observing her a moment before speaking.
"How is school going for you?" Shelby finds herself asking as she drapes a blanket over Rachel who has now fallen fast asleep.
"It's good," Quinn answers with a small smile. "I've spent most of it making sure Rachel is alright, but my grades are still good and glee club's been pretty fun. We're attempting to work on a song to sing for Rachel on her birthday, but we're all so stubborn and hard headed and can't pick a song to agree on." She adds with a laugh. Shelby smiles softly, pure admiration for the blond showing on her features as well as appreciation for taking care of her daughter.
"Well, I'm sure whatever you all choose, Rachel will love it." She pauses for a moment and shifts her weight slightly before continuing, her face and tone taking on a more serious matter. "I just wanted to thank you, for all that you've been doing for Rachel. I know she appreciates it, and you so much and I couldn't imagine anyone else aside from her fathers or I, caring for her like you do. You know how to calm her down, you know what she's feeling and thinking most of the time, before even she does herself, and most importantly, you make her smile. She's happy with you, and that's the only thing I could ever want from her." Quinn nods, a small smile grazing her face as Shelby leans down and plants a feather-light kiss on her daughter's head before garnering her attention back to the blond seated across from her.
Rachel stirs lightly for a moment and the both women tense, but it evaporates quickly when the young brunette shows no signs of waking up from her slumber. "It's no problem Shelby," Quinn says softly, the smile never having left her face. "I like Rachel and knowing that I can make her happy, or that she's just happy in general is all that I want from her, just as much as you want it. I don't care if I never get out of Lima, as long as I see Rachel is okay and happy and healthy, then that's all I could ever ask for."
Shelby nods her head understandingly as she settles back into the couch, the two sitting in comfortable silence for a few moments before Rachel whimpers slightly and without warning, begins to thrash around. Quinn leaps up from her seat, seeing the beads of sweat forming quickly on Rachel and knows immediately what's happening.
"It's a night terror," Quinn fumbles out, running her hand lightly over Rachel's for head a few times as she whispers to the girl in hushed tones. "It's me, Rach. It's Quinn, you're safe. You're at Shelby's, I promise you no one's going to hurt you again, it's okay. It's okay."
Rachel's eyes flutter softly, as if she'd just be waking up and in a way, she is, although her eyes have been open for the past five minutes of her thrashing and whimpering around in her mother's lap. 'Quinn?' She mouths, reaching groggily for the blonde's hand. Quinn smiles and trails a finger lightly down the brunette's cheek as she nods.
"Yeah Rach, it's me. You're okay, you're safe now."
Nodding, Rachel slowly sits up and Quinn backs away, turning to look at an alarmed Shelby. She feels for the woman, Shelby has never experienced Rachel's night terror. Nightmares yes, but not a night terror, and especially not one that could've been much more violent than it was.
Leaning over and taking Shelby's hand in her own, Quinn squeezes it softly, letting her know that it was alright and that once upon a time, she'd been as disheveled and confused as Shelby is right now. Shelby smiles lightly and lets out a weak, sad sigh before slowly standing up.
"I'm just going to head into the kitchen and make everyone some tea, does that sound good?" She asks her voice uncharacteristically cheery and Quinn knows as she and Rachel are nodding their heads, that it's all an act. Shelby nods firmly and then swiftly disappears on her heel, venturing into the kitchen. At the sound of silence, Quinn turns to Rachel and grasps her hands.
"Are you going to be alright in here for a few moments while I go in and help your mom with the tea?" She asks, searching Rachel's eyes for any trace of fear or uncertainty she may still have after her night terror. She finds nothing.
Rachel nods her head as she snuggles back into the blanket Shelby had draped over her and Quinn flashes her one last smile before heading towards the kitchen. She knows Shelby's house like the back of her hand now, as weird as that may sound. But in her defense, it's just because she'd been here many times before with Rachel. The same goes for the Berry men. Stepping into the kitchen, she stands in the doorway for a moment, silently observing the older woman whose arms are out in front of her, hands gripping the counter top, shoulders forward in a defeated stance. She swears she hears a sniffle but Quinn could easily pass it off as her mind playing a trick on her. She steps forward and the floor creaks as Shelby whips around, eyes bloodshot, face holding the features of a woman so defeated and so hurt that Quinn cannot even wrap her head around it as she continues to take baby steps forward until she's unconsciously pulled the older woman into her arms, like Shelby had done earlier with her daughter. Quinn rubs her back as Shelby crumbles, heart wrenching sobs muffled by the blonde's shoulder as she struggles to stay standing. But Shelby's knees give out and the weight proves to be much too strong on Quinn and she slowly lowers them to the ground, refusing to let go of Shelby.
Irony hits her as she holds the older, sobbing brunette in her arms that in just a few months, a few years, she could be in the same position she's in now with her own daughter. Beth, she unconsciously thinks, one hand sliding away to trail down to the now noticeable bump in her stomach. She cringes at the thought of giving her own flesh and blood, her daughter away, but knows that it has to be done. She's in high school, she thinks, she cannot raise a baby in high school. She's too busy trying to take care of herself and Rachel and now, apparently, Shelby too. She doesn't mind it though, oddly enough. This woman may not be her mother, but she is Rachel's and when Rachel hurts Shelby hurts, and vice versa. Therefore, she cannot see that happen, she refuses too, so she shushes the brunette softly and mutters into her ear that it's fine, that she herself has been in this position with Rachel many times before and that Shelby is not alone in any of this.
When Shelby finally pulls away, she wipes furiously at her eyes for a moment before Quinn takes her hands captive and pulls them away. Shelby adverts her gaze, suddenly too ashamed for having broken down like that to even face the blond anymore. "Don't." Quinn reassures her. "Don't put your walls back up Shelby, it's fine. I don't know who told you that you had to be so damn strong all of the time, because you're allowed to hurt too. I don't expect you to be wonder woman through any of this and neither does anyone else. This is your daughter, your heart and your soul and her hurting kills you. It's understandable. It's love. You love her too much, so much that you feel the need to put up this impenetrable force between you and the world around you. You're doing a great job Shelby, regardless of what you think. Rachel isn't asking for you to give her the world or to make everything better with the flick of your wrist. She's asking for you, she's asking for her mother."
And as Quinn finishes yet another long winded speech, it's all it takes for Shelby to break back down, nodding as she buries her head into her hands and Quinn returns to rubbing comforting circles on the woman's back-all the while having forgotten about the tea. But Quinn thinks that maybe, just maybe this is an improvement.