Okay, just a random author's note... I was watching The Breakfast Club, which is like... one of my favorite movies of all time. I can quote lines from it... I've seen it like a gazillion times. Anyways, NEVER watch the censored version. Seriously. It blows.They change the weirdest stuff, like this line about jock-straps to socks... And "Eat my shorts" becomes "Eat my socks". I mean, hey, if Bart Simpson can say it on network TV, then why can't John Bender? Which I was like... That's effed up. Oh, and then they changed this scene where Bender yells "F You!" to like... "Fill/Dill You!" And I was like... what the crap? You can so tell too, when they change it, because the voice is different... I mean, it's on at like... eleven. I think most of the kiddies have gone to bed.
But then again, a few years back, a kid who couldn't have been more than six told me to F myself... So, whatever... Anyways, I'll stop before I start raving about how hot Judd Nelson is in this movie, 'cause he's old enough to be my dad (actually, he's younger than my dad, but my dad's old)... And, eww.
If you gave me enough time, I could ramble on about how I was pissed that Allison got a makeover because she shouldn't have to change, or how I hate Claire and Bender together, or how I just really don't like Andrew at all... But hey... You aren't, so I'm shutting it and getting to the actual story...
Or, really, my rambling about this chapter of said actual story... Anyways, it's really weird, when you're writing a chapter and... an idea just takes over sometimes and writes itself. So something you didn't even plan to write comes out and the entire chapter changes (which happened the entire process, from the story about C's dad to the shocker ending). And that's kind of what happened with this chapter. It starts hot, then gets sad, and it's weird...
Anyways, this chapter is very personal to me. You can obviously tell I love raspberries... So, oddly enough, I'm dedicating this chapter to my dad, for being the best dad ever (which is weird considering the other content of this chapter)... Anyways, I'm gonna tell you now, it's a bit of a tearjerker... Uh, I think? It's my longest yet, and about twenty pages with an ending that shocked even yours truly. Then again, I wrote it at five in the morning... Yes, I realize that D/C are probably more than a little OOC, but Derek's uh, delirious sorta, and Casey was just ragin'. But hey, it makes for excellent drama.
Obviously I don't own LWD or any of the characters contained therein. Nor do I own the song "Temporary Insanity" from whence the chapter gets it's name and is featured in said chapter... It's by The Weekend, and I highly recommend it. Anyways, I worked hard (HARD) on this chapter, stayin' up late, so you best give me some reviews, fool! Nah, JK, you don't have to, but they'd be appreciated, and, well, I try to entertain. I'm tryin' not to be cocky, but I haven't slept and I KNOW it's good... Totally review worthy and I've kept people (coughHEATHERANDKRYSTLEcough) in suspense... This time, I actually do. In fact, this is now MY favorite chapter.
Anyways, I'm gonna shut up now 'fore I pull a Casey. Enjoy, and, remember, review!
I awoke slowly, feeling warm and contented. My eyes opened, and for a moment, I blinked at my surroundings, confused. I realized a moment later that I had apparently fallen asleep on the couch. To my relief, the movie was over now, and the screen was a flickering blue. My eyes glanced briefly at the clock. The red, digital light flashed 2:59 three times, and then it slowly turned 3:00. I flexed my shoulders, which felt a little stiff, deciding to get up and turn it off. And, I noted, maybe change? I was, after all, still wearing the clothes from the party. Maybe I ought to properly go to bed.
However, I was stopped by a hand around my waist. I blinked, once again confused, and glanced down at the familiar hand, a warm weight around my waist. I smiled lazily, sliding my hand over his. I guess Sam fell asleep on the couch with me. That's nice...
Hmm, I wonder where Derek is... He doesn't seem like the type who'd be okay with this. No, on second thought, he isn't the type at all! But, you know what, why am I thinking about Derek? I should be doing something... productive.
Like thinking of Sam... Whom I love very much... Mm, Sam... I ought to wake him up, Sleeping Beauty that he is, with a kiss. Mmm, that sounds nice. Sighing softly with contentment, I closed my eyes, feeling blissfully warm, and carefully turned over to face my love. He's so warm and strong... I snuggled up to him, inhaling his scent.
Only he smells different than usual. I wonder why... He smells like Derek. But there has to be a reason for that. They probably use the same cologne... sometimes. You know, Derek was sitting here before. That must be it. I'm overreacting. So I can just... kiss Sam and forget all my troubles. Mmm, yeah, that sounds good.
Feeling a smile curving on my lips, I leaned over a little further, eyes still closed. I moved my head up, reaching out blindly for him with my hands. I found his face, his beautiful angelic face, and I ran my hands down his cheeks softly, dragging my fingers, so I could remember the feeling of his perfectly sculpted cheekbones forever. I love Sam so much... He's so perfect.
I leaned up and gently touched my lips to his. I felt a slow smile spread across his lips. He tightened his grip on my waist, pulling me closer, if at this point that was even possible. My heartbeat sped up; my pulse raced. I was floating, and his kisses left me breathless. Everywhere he touched me I was on fire. My thoughts were racing at a million miles a second; my mind was clouded. He kissed me deeper and deeper... And I couldn't do a thing but kiss him back.
His lips assaulted mine, kissing me bruisingly. I didn't care, though... Not one iota. I only smiled and pulled him closer. His tongue grazed my lips, and I moaned, opening my mouth further against his. He had never kissed me like this before... Not once.
I wrapped my arms loosely around his neck, running a hand through his hair. This time he moaned and leaned over, pushing me flat against the couch. He was flat against me, and his hands ran up and down my sides. I sighed breathlessly and wrapped my leg around his, writhing underneath him. He slid his hand up the back of my shirt, caressing my back. His touch burned my skin, searing my senses. I made small noises of contentment involuntarily, flattening myself against the couch.
His hand slid up the soft leather of my miniskirt and then slid back down again. He repeated this simple motion again and again until it was driving me wild. Then his oh-so skilled hands gently moved up my skirt, caressing the warm flesh of my lower thigh. My heart beat still faster. I broke the kiss, gasping for breath, and my eyelids fluttered open and closed as I caught my breath. He backed away a little before bending down to kiss my neck.
His lips were moist and smooth against my flushed skin. He devoured my skin hungrily, and I moaned, exhaling hard. I trailed my hand down his chest, and he sighed, returning his lips to mine. I didn't mind.
He kissed me harder and more passionately. I ran my hand through his messy hair. Hmm, he wasn't wearing his hat... Weird. But I guess he took it off... Why am I obsessing on- Ooh, that feels nice! And that... Oh, who knew he could do that? His hands feel so... good and warm... And, oh... Just when I thought I couldn't love him anymore.
I have to tell him how I feel. It's only right, after all. And he'll probably say it back.
Oh, god, what happens if he doesn't say it back? If he doesn't feel the same way I do? What... What happens then?
I don't know, but I should at least find out. I owe myself that, at least.
So I pushed him back a little, and I could feel his hungry lips only millimeters away from mine, longing to be closer, closer... And I wanted his lips closer, closer... to mine. But, even though it took all the willpower in me to do it, I held him back, opening my eyes and glancing down nervously. "I love you," I whispered just loud enough so that he could hear.
He answered my unspoken question by roughly pulling me against him and kissing me more passionately than he ever had, even only moments before. And that was how I knew... How I knew that the feelings were mutual, even without him saying that. We didn't need words.
We just let our actions dominate the day. Or should I say night? Then again, it was mor... Oh, that feels good! His lips were so much softer than they looked. I wonder how many girls he's kissed? It sure feels like he's had a lot of experience at this... But why am I thinking about that... It doesn't matter.
What matters is that he's here with me now. Just me and Sam all alone. I mean, sure, Derek's in the house, but he's probably asleep or doing some slut. Not that I care or anything. It's just gross, disgusting, and demeaning to women. Not to mention that it reflects badly on the family, having your oldest child being a total whore...
His body was, once again, flush against mine. His mouth sought out mine and devoured it as if there was no tomorrow. He pressed lightly against me, as if he was afraid that I would break from bearing too much of his weight on my narrow frame. I wasn't glass, and I wouldn't break anytime soon, but... I loved him all the more for it... So considerate, so caring, so sweet... so very protective and warm. My dream man, my soul mate, my love, love, love...
His teeth trailed a little too roughly across my lips, and I responded by biting his. I felt him smile against my lips and push me harder into the couch, letting his hands wander. One hand was halfway up the back of my shirt, calloused yet smooth hands on my bare back. His fingers moved in circular patterns on my taught back, nails lightly dragging across my skin. His touch inflamed my skin, and I felt it... a dull burn all over my skin, buzzing underneath the flesh, making me antsy with anticipation. I felt flushed, weak, and breathless. My desire for him was heightening exponentially. He made me like this, and I liked being this way, feeling happy, for once.
He tasted different than usual. Usually he tasted minty, like he'd just eaten a mint (he had, most of the time). I mean, sure, I like mint just as much as the next girl... However, after a while, it gets sort of old. You know, it's kind of like he's trying too hard sometimes. Well, I mean, there was that time I kissed him after he ate that chili dog... Ew. Most of the rest of the time he tastes... sweet. You know, like candy and bubblegum. And yet, today he tastes different...
He tastes more... bittersweet. More real, somehow... I'm not making much sense here, but it's driving me crazy... He tastes like one of those muggy summer days when you can taste the humidity in the air. He tastes like the beads of chlorinated water that roll down your face as you step out of the pool. He tastes like iced tea, watered-down soda, and too-sweet lemonade when you're tanning in the sun. He tastes like a sip of Grandpa's bourbon, bitter, burning, and smooth... He tastes like that slice of lime that explodes in your mouth, so sour you can't believe it. But, most of all, he tastes like fresh, juicy raspberries... and heartbreak.
We used to live in a condo, but I remember back when Daddy was alive. We lived way out in the suburbs around Toronto, at this huge house where the grass was lush and verdant. There was a garden in the back with every kind of fruit and vegetable you could imagine. We had it all, a little bit of everything. Tomatoes, corn, potatoes, celery, peas, carrots, cherries, apples, lemons, strawberries, peaches, blackberries, eggplant, apricots, pears, and... raspberries.
Daddy loved raspberries, so I loved them too. Sometimes, in the summer, if it was nice enough outside, my daddy would take the day off and stay home with me and Lizzie. Monday was his day off. We would all go swimming first. Daddy would do a cannonball that upset about half the water in the pool and drenched us all to the bone. Then he would watch Lizzie and me dive. Then, smelling like chlorine and shivering, we would all trudge back into the air-conditioning and change back into our regular clothes.
Daddy would make us lunch, which was usually sandwiches and soda. He made himself an egg sandwich, and gave me a peanut butter one (I was a picky eater back then, and I hated jelly) and Lizzie one with jelly too. Sometimes I would ask him to make me an egg sandwich too because I wanted to be just like him. I loved him so much back then. I haven't had an egg sandwich since that summer of my tenth year. And then he would make tea. It was Lipton's, and he liked it iced, in big, flimsy plastic glasses... the kind you get at drive-through places. Daddy loved burger joints and fast food. He would always pour about a cup of sugar in his tea, so it would taste just right.
Then he'd slice a lemon and throw one or two slices in. When the weather permitted, we would go eat our lunch outside on our wooden deck. There was this black, lattice-y sort of table out there with these matching chairs. Daddy would smile radiantly at Lizzie and me, eating his lunch, like we were the best things that had ever happened to him. And we would stare adoringly back, so he wouldn't notice when we stole sips from his tea. Hours later, we'd get up, imprints of the chair on our legs, our skin red from the hot metal. I miss those lazy days so much now...
I didn't know how good I had it...
But the best days by far were when he let us pick the raspberries. Daddy would go out every morning, looking for ripe ones. So we took to waking up early to go out with him. He woke up sometimes even before the sun did to go to work... Every morning, it seemed, there was an early morning meeting. I think those meetings were just an excuse for my dad to talk to the guys and eat donuts, but whatever. Sometimes he brought us back donuts too... Cake donuts for me, glazed ones for Lizzie. He knew what we liked.
Daddy loved raspberries, but he loved lots of things... Mom, stupid nicknames (both for himself and others... Sometimes he called Mom stupid things like No and Norey...), burgers, French fries, steak, potatoes, Mom's cooking, grilling, donuts, tea, Coke, Mexico, football, baseball... He abhorred hockey, the national pastime. I remember how he frowned and complained when the ice melted in his Coke. It was so cute...
Daddy loved raspberries, so we loved raspberries. We loved the feeling of being able to go out and spend time with him. It seems like we spent most of our childhood sharing Daddy with other people, so we made use of every spare second we had with him... Mom was so jealous sometimes.
We picked raspberries last, late in the afternoon, after we had already watched a rented movie and some cartoons. He would scrutinize those raspberries so carefully, eyeballing them from every direction to judge if they were dirty, rotten, or buggy (few ever were, as we ate them so fast). He would poke some of them, and red juice would drip down on his pointer finger. He would then stick his finger in his mouth, mulling over the taste for a minute before deciding whether to pick the berry or not. Sometimes, randomly, he would grab a berry, either out of one of our baskets or off the bush, and pop it into his mouth. "To test if it's poison," He would say with a wicked grin.
It was never poisonous, of course. He just liked eating them sporadically. Except Daddy ate a lot of raspberries. We ate a lot of raspberries too. So, after hours of sorting through our many raspberry brambles, we would stumble wearily back into the house, bellies full, dinners spoiled; lips, tongues, and fingers ruby red from the juice. Our baskets were only half-full at best.
Then we would all collapse on the couch, Daddy in the middle, with Lizzie on the left, taking up less space, and me on his right, resting our heads on his chest. He would cover us with this old blanket, and we would all fall asleep... And that was how Mom found us.
I remember one day, I was tired, so I didn't get up to go check the raspberries with him. I had been to my very first sleepover the night before, and I hadn't gotten much sleep. Daddy even came to wake me up, but I shouted at him, and he thought I looked so adorable that he just let me sleep in. I wish I hadn't been lazy that day. I wish I had gotten up. I slept most of that day and missed the raspberry picking.
I didn't even see him at all for most of the next day. Our babysitter was watching us. My parents knew all the best babysitters in town through work (friends' children). Lizzie went over to a friend's house that day. Daddy always came home around four, so the babysitter had already left by three-thirty. She figured I would be okay alone for about thirty minutes... Well, she thought wrong!
I was up at my window, looking for any sign of Daddy's car in the street. I wanted to see him desperately to tell him about my day. I had my first crush ever... Some kid I'd met in the city when Tammy had taken us to the library... I don't even remember his name now. I also wanted to tell him that I'd finished one of those Wishbone books in an actual minute, a new record! I had a stack of books as tall as I am now sitting there by my bed, and I was yearning to ask Daddy to read one to me. I knew ten was old enough to read by yourself, but I still wanted Daddy to read to me. He never read to me anymore.
Then I saw his car, and I felt a surge of happiness. I flew down the stairs, running through the house, blindly focusing on my goal of getting to Daddy. I went out the door into the garage and opened the garage door hurriedly. I charged at it, ducking down so I could get underneath it, and I didn't stop running.
There was Daddy. He'd parked his car and was now opening the door. He got out, briefcase in hand, and smiled when he saw me. I smiled back so widely my entire face was lit up, and I stopped running, just standing there, staring at him. I was so incandescently happy to see him that I didn't notice the man until it was too late.
The man snuck up behind Daddy. He didn't see me, frozen there in the driveway, a silent witness. He grabbed Daddy, made him turn around to look at him. He was shaky, jumpy, and nervous. Erratic. His eyes darted left and right, up and down. His hands were shaking as he slowly held up a gun, shouting at my Daddy to hold up his hands.
Daddy's face went white. His brow furrowed, and he looked so much older. He didn't even look at me, and that hurt then, but now I know why. He didn't want the guy to notice him staring into space and see me. Even when a gun was being pointed at his head, he thought of me...
The man started yelling at Dad, waving the gun about like a madman, which I suppose he was. It was something about a job and money. I recognized him; he worked with Daddy... for Daddy? I don't remember now. Daddy pleaded and begged with the man. He said he'd done all he could, that he couldn't help. Then the man cursed Daddy out, said he could. Daddy said the same thing he'd said before, that he'd tried, but he couldn't do anything. He asked the man to calm down. He said if he just left, he would forget all about it, not even file a report. Daddy said he knew this man was good deep down, that he didn't have it in him to do it, that he didn't want to be a murderer.
Daddy was wrong.
I was frozen... I didn't really realize what was going on at first. I was too young to really understand. But I thought that Daddy had it all under control. Daddy always had everything under control. He was my rock, the glue that held all of us together. He was my strength, my protector... I believed in him. Daddy thought he had it all under control too.
He was wrong. So wrong it hurts.
All of a sudden, I don't know what... Something made the man go nuts. His finger pulled the trigger. BANG! The small round shaft of the bullet looked like a little rock. I didn't actually think it would hurt Daddy. I just thought it would bounce off, not even leaving a bruise.
I was wrong. So wrong it hurts.
The bullet crashed square into Daddy's chest, and I watched in horror as red blossomed out from around the hole, permanently staining his pure white dress shirt. My world shattered in that instant. I don't remember thinking. I don't remember breathing. I remember screaming.
"DADDY!"
I have never screamed that loud in my life, and I hope I never will again. It was a heartbreaking scream. You could feel the rawness of my throat afterwards. You could hear the sobs in my voice. The man did too. He saw me, he stared, in horror, and he ran... He ran away like the coward he was. I ran too, but towards Daddy. Daddy had fallen to the ground and was laying there, bleeding.
I scrambled to remember what I could do. I wanted to hug him, but I was afraid... Afraid he would...
He groaned and groped around in his jacket pocket for his cellphone. He was wearing a nice black suit that day. Daddy always wore suits to the office. He wore sweats when he was playing tennis or racquetball; he wore khakis and jeans with polo shirts at home or on outings, he wore t-shirts and shorts to bed. Finally, he wore his leather jacket to his morning meetings at Denny's; he always came home smelling like cigarettes. Daddy hated cigarettes. Granny had smoked profusely until the dementia had set in.
He handed me the cellphone, pressing it between my hands urgently. I bit my trembling lip, roughly flinging the phone open. It was with shaky fingers that I dialed 9-1-1. I told them in a weak, wavering voice how Daddy had been shot and gave them our address, urging them to hurry, telling them he needed medical care. Then I put the phone down, not even bothering to hang up... It's amazing how little stuff like that doesn't matter in such times.
I applied pressure to the wound gently to stem the bleeding, as I had been taught in Girl Scouts. But I was terrified and quivering like a leaf in the wind. I didn't really know what to do but wait.
There was so much blood. I didn't see how I could stop it all, but I had to try. I don't think I tried hard enough...
I tried to keep him calm by rambling, telling him pointless stories, anything I could think of, even bad things I had done. I tried to keep him conscious like the 911 lady had said, but it didn't work.
Daddy was fading, and fast. I couldn't do anything about it, anything to stop it.
The tears streamed down my face, but I didn't feel them. I just kept whispering how much I loved him, over and over and over again.
And then he sat up a little, opening his eyes, obviously in an excruciating pain. He groaned, hurt, and I fought back a sob. He looked me straight in the eye and I forced myself to blink back the tears so I could get a proper look at him, so I could remember him forever. He looked me deep in the eyes and wiped away my tears gently.
"Casey, you've got to be strong for me. You've got to take care of your mom and your little sister for me. And I know that's a big job for such a little girl, but I know you can do it. You can do anything. Tell your mother and your sister that I love them... I always will. And, Case, never forget how much I love you... How much I will always love you..." Daddy pleaded, his own eyes tearing up.
Then he kissed me on the forehead, and I felt his stubble against my face. No matter how much Dad shaved, he still felt all prickly. I used to complain about that, but now... I miss it. "I promise, Daddy," I murmured in a shaky whisper, feeling my voice break.
Daddy moved his lips away, instead leaning his forehead against mine, staring at me with those wide blue eyes... my eyes... The ones I inherited from him. "Now it's time to say goodbye, Casey..." Daddy said in a low, throaty voice, so low I could barely hear him at all. My eyes filled with tears again.
"I won't say it!" I shrieked, feeling suddenly angry. "Don't talk like that! You aren't going to..." I couldn't finish that sentence, even if I wanted to.
I was wrong again, and it hurt. This was the most unkind cut of all.
Daddy slowly leaned back down, so that he was laying on the driveway. He didn't say anything else. He just lay back down and slowly closed his eyes, squeezing my hand with the last remnants of his strength. I saw the energy gradually fade out of him. He took his last gasping breaths, which slowly relaxed into nothingness. His heartbeat grew weaker and weaker until I could no longer feel it beating beneath my hands. His warm hands became ice cold, and his normally flushed skin turned pale. He was stiff and motionless.
All motion had ceased. I couldn't breathe. The light of my young life had flickered out and... died... right before my very own eyes. My world had shattered when he was shot, but now it just broke, collapsing into a wreck of twisted, broken glass around me.
I started sobbing hysterically, wishing I had told him I loved him instead of yelling. "I love you, I love you, I love you..." I whispered; I cried; I screamed; I sobbed; I raged... a thousand times. I don't remember much after that. The paramedics found me less than a foot away, leaning against the tire of his car, curled up in a ball, rolling back and forth, hiccuping. My hands were covered in his blood.
It took us all a while for the truth to sink in... that Daddy was dead. D-E-A-D, dead. I didn't even talk until hours after it happened, around midnight. I told Mom and the police officer everything. I couldn't stop crying. Lizzie and Mom too.
I cried myself to sleep that night and woke up in my bed wearing one of Daddy's shirts as I had always done. It still smelled like him. I was exhausted, but nonetheless rose at the crack of dawn to go outside and check on the raspberries.
I think a part of me thought if I went out there, he'd still be there, sniffing the berries, and making funny faces at me. But a part of me knew... Knew that he wouldn't be there, and that it would hurt. The raspberries weren't even out there anymore.
There had been a huge thunderstorm, and all the raspberries had been drenched, washed away in the deluge, battered and broken, ripped and torn, like me and my family. Little bits of raspberries were everywhere, but it didn't matter... They were completely destroyed and no one could put them back together again.
There was only one lonely little raspberry left.
I plucked it carefully off the brambles, which lay in shambles, and placed it in my mouth, not chewing on it, letting the taste sink into my tongue... So maybe, I would... could... always remember it. Always remember him... But, the truth was, I felt like the raspberry... all alone. The tears ran down my face again, more rapidly this time. I couldn't stop. I missed him so much it was killing me inside and now I didn't even have his raspberries anymore.
And that's why raspberries taste like heartbreak.
It was then that I knew that I wasn't kissing Sam at all.
But that was crazy, so I immediately disregarded it.
I wasn't thinking about my dad while we were making out, of course. I kind of... wasn't thinking at all. I remember fumbling with the buttons of his shirt, not even bothering to open my eyes to work on them. Had Sam been wearing a button-up shirt? I couldn't even remember. He was kissing me like there was no tomorrow, desperately.
He pushed my shirt up to right underneath my bra, and I let him. But, considering how short my shirt was, that was only an inch or two. I didn't mind... This was a forceful side of Sam I had never seen before, and I found myself liking the physicality of the whole situation. As long as he didn't think he was getting to second base or something like that.
He removed his hands from my body long enough for me to pull his shirt off. I absentmindedly, not that I had much of a mind by that point, threw it to the ground, feeling incredibly satisfied. His muscles were taut and firm against mine, and I could feel the slick sweat between our flesh. Something about this wasn't right.
But then his lips ravaged mine, and I could only moan and lay back. I couldn't even think anymore. I wrapped my arm around his neck, pulling him closer, and gave him an extremely passionate kiss on the lips. That, Sam, is how much I love you! This time he moaned hoarsely, "Casey..."
I smiled against his lips and responded by kissing him even harder, so his lips were bruising. I ran my hands up and down his chiseled chest, feeling all the rewards of playing hockey. Then I threw my arms around his back, running my nails up and down, accidentally leaving a scratch or two. If it hurt, he made no indication of it, only kissing me harder instead, pressing me harder into the couch.
I sighed contentedly as he bent down to kiss my neck again. It felt so good and so... right. I was feeling sparks all over me, head to toe, and they flew at me like jolts of electricity.
After what seemed like an eternity of kissing my neck, which felt oddly familiar, I guided his lips back up to mine. My head was dizzy from lack of oxygen, so I sought to break the kiss... and opened my eyes.
Both literally and figuratively.
My surprise was... evident. To say I was surprised was an understatement. I was... flummoxed, flabbergasted, and floored. Yes, so stunned that I can't stop speaking in alliterations! I can't believe it...
How I ignored every one of the signs that were right in front of my face, again, literally. He smelled different; he tasted different; he kissed different. He wasn't wearing the hat, but he was wearing a button-up shirt. The feelings that I wasn't kissing Sam; that this was wrong. The familiarity of his kisses on my neck...
Every last one of those feelings and observations was absolutely correct. And, in a strangely cruel, ironic as hell twist of fate, I realized, like Oedipus, that I too had made-out with family.
Because I wasn't kissing Sam... I was kissing Derek.
Derek Venturi. Stepbrother Derek. Most popular guy in school, Derek. Biggest whore in school, Derek. Derek, the son of my mother's husband. Derek, Derek, Derek...
And then I had an even more stunning revelation... I kissed Derek... and I liked it!
Ew! I mean, he's my stepbrother and we live in the same house and he probably has like five diseases and a gazillion notches on his bedpost or something... And I liked making out with him. Ew... I felt up my stepbrother... and I liked that too!
Oh, God... I'm so beyond screwed here... I mean, Derek? Of all people in the world, Derek?
Derek, Sam's best friend. Derek, my boyfriend's best friend. I cheated on my boyfriend, whom I love. I cheated on Sam! W-w-with... DEREK! How low can you get? I mean, he's his best friend, for starters... Plus, then there's the fact that he's my stepbrother. Oh, and when you throw in the fact that he's a total player... The insults write themselves...
Yeah, they sure like to keep it all in the family!
He has no standards at all, I mean, for crying out loud, he's banging his stepsister!
Can you say Cruel Intentions?
Well, I guess she's no ugly stepsister...
See, I'm doomed! Mark my words, this will be my ruination. Derek Venturi will be my ruination.
I think you're giving him a bit too much credit. I mean, sure, he's the bane of your existence, but he only gets be your ruination if you let him... And if we don't let him, we don't have to worry about that.
I mean, isn't this embarrassing to him too? And how could he not know he was kissing me? I mean, I was here and so was he and you can bet he didn't forget, so... why? Why me, of all people? Does he want a new notch on his bedpost? Because he can get that other ways than through me... Does he... A challenge? Would I be the "ultimate conquest"? Jeez, don't ever watch Cruel Intentions... It screws you up.
The facts remained as follows. My shirt was halfway off as it is. Derek wasn't even wearing a shirt, and it was getting progressively harder to avoid checking him out as his chest was... Right. There. In. Front. Of. Me. Derek was on top of me. His eyes were open. He'd said my name... Correction: He'd moaned my name.
So Derek knew it was me he was kissing... Without a doubt, he knew. He knew, and he could've stopped it. He could've, but he didn't. He didn't... but why?
And that also meant another thing... Something that made my stomach clench up, and a cold fear run down my spine.
That also meant that I had told Derek I loved him.
I had said, "I love you", to Derek Venturi, noncommittal behavior personified, the eternal bachelor.
And he hadn't said anything at all...
He only... kissed me harder?
Now, I may not be Nancy Drew, but I know that something about that just doesn't add up. It was something big, and I intended to find out just what was up...
Derek moved his hands above my head, pushing them into the couch so he was propped up slightly. He stared down at me with a mysterious look on his face, as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing... marveling at me. I felt embarrassed under his gaze, and I blushed all over. My discomfort increased with every moment that he stared at me with those eyes; those dark eyes burning holes into mine. His body pinned me to the couch, so I couldn't budge an inch.
He seemed to be thinking something over before he took a last look and leaned down. His lips were only millimeters from mine. I felt my breathing speed up rapidly. I was afraid of what might... what could... happen next. Suddenly, his warm, sweaty hands were on my bare, bruising hipbones. Whispering to me softly whilst smirking like a fiend, he closed the gap between us almost painfully slowly, "Trick or treat, Case?"
He didn't give me any time to answer; he only pressed his lips roughly against mine. Before I knew just what, exactly, it was that I was doing (making out with Derek again, just to clear anything up), I was kissing him back. My mouth opened without instruction, and in a flash his tongue was halfway down my throat. I can see now why it's the strongest muscle in the body. My eyes fluttered closed in ecstasy, and my heart beat pounded loudly in my ears.
I moaned, dragging my tongue across his swollen lips, still tasting raspberries, and I pulled him flush against me. One of my hands was buried in his sweaty hair; the other clutching his back. His hands, his amazing hands, trailed up my back languidly; so slowly I barely even noticed it until they rested on top of my lacy bra. Then, so fast it left my head reeling, he managed to pull my shirt up and over my head. At first I didn't even notice.
His body was on top of mine, and I didn't feel cold. His flesh was against mine, but that wasn't new. Then I realized what had happened... How smooth was Derek? I opened my eyes, only to find myself staring unblinkingly into Derek's. His brown eyes were darker, almost black, obviously with lust. This time, there could be no denying it. But there was something about those eyes that made me shiver.
Something about that eerily primal look on his face as he pressed against me, sweaty and hungry. There was something about those eyes... They looked right through me and pierced deep into me. They were burning and accusatory... I felt so ashamed and guilty staring at him, and I didn't know why.
Well, Gee, Casey, maybe it's because you just cheated on him with oh, let's see... Your stepbrother, his best friend, and your best friend's crush. Yeah, that's why you feel guilty... Plus, you don't have feelings for him anyways. What, would it be better, more acceptable if I did? I'm in love with Sam, and that's all that matters. It's not like I actually wanted to kiss Derek...
I broke the kiss, but I didn't move. I still had to catch my breath. Derek grinned evilly, staring at me almost drunkenly through half-lidded eyes. He blinked lazily, licking his lips. His smirk widened as he noticed that I stared. "I have to give you credit, Casey. That was either a very nice treat or a very well-orchestrated trick..." Derek remarked arrogantly, still hovering over me.
I rolled my eyes, groaning, and pushed him off of me. "No, Derek, that was me thinking you were Sam," I retorted irritably, trying to keep my cool. Derek, who had fallen on the floor, stared at me with a disbelieving look on his face. He rolled his eyes at me and snorted.
"Oh, please, Casey... You kissed me back," He pointed out, clearly annoyed that I'd stopped it. I hated the fact that he was right... That I could have stopped it. That I should have stopped it. I should've just ducked or pushed him away or something, but no, of course not... Casey likes things difficult. I pushed myself up, leaning back on my elbows, still mostly breathless.
I rolled my eyes at him. "Yeah, well what kind of friend are you, kissing your best friend's girlfriend in the first place! And you can't tell me that you didn't know it was me because I heard you moan my name!" I snapped irritably, absentmindedly fingering my lips. Derek smirked at the sight, and I stopped immediately.
The smirk fell off Derek's face. He looked up at me impassively and simply shrugged noncommittally. "So what? I kissed you... Big deal... It's not like I'm causing the destruction of the planet here," He muttered mockingly, rolling his eyes at me. Then he paused momentarily, and a spark flickered in his eyes. His eyes narrowed. "Anyways, what kind of girlfriend are you, kissing your boyfriend's best friend? You started it in the first place... Besides, I didn't exactly see you complaining," Derek retorted sarcastically, raising his eyebrows at me.
He looked rather pointedly at my chest then, so I crossed my arms over it in an attempt to cover myself up more. I forgot, however, that doing that makes my chest look bigger. I scowled at him, sitting up so fast I was momentarily dizzy. I collected my bearings for a minute before I spoke. "I told you, I thought you were Sam. I didn't open my eyes until it was too late..." I stated emphatically, practically grinding my teeth.
Derek rolled his eyes, not buying it for a second. How can you not believe the truth? As if I would ever actually want to kiss him, Derek Venturi, aforementioned bane of my existence, scourge of the household... I have better taste and higher standards than that, thank you very much. "Case, you couldn't mistake me for Sam if you tried..." Derek drawled cockily, giving me a look and slowly rising to his feet.
I found my eyes wandering, and, naturally, Derek noticed. Why... how does he, how can he, always notice me noticing him? Oh, jeez, and now I sound like some cheesy Will Smith line... Great, just great! Just what I need right now! His smirk widened further. Derek continued huskily, grinning widely, "And that didn't stop you from kissing me again, now did it, Case? It didn't stop me from taking your shirt off, now, did it? No, you let me... because you wanted to."
He licked his lips, running a hand through his hair, and moved a little too close for comfort. Involuntarily, my eyes were glued to his lower abs, which flexed mid-sentence. My throat felt a little dry at the sight, and I swallowed hard. He really does have a nice pair of abs... very toned set of muscles he's got there... Derek moved still closer, looking at me in an almost predatory way. I didn't feel the least bit comfortable with that lust-filled stare on me.
"You're delusional, Derek!" I snarled sharply. Derek snorted, crossing his arms over his chest, giving me a challenging look. A slow, knowing smile curved across his lips. He came closer and immediately, I practically rocketed off the couch and into a standing position. I backed away from Derek hurriedly; it was far safer this way.
Derek didn't care, though, not in the slightest. That devilish smirk widened with each step he took towards me. Closer and closer and closer. I tried my hardest to back up and get away from him, but next thing I knew, my back was hitting the wall, and I was trapped like a rat in the corner. Can we say déjà vu? He was suddenly only inches away, and then he was sliding one of the straps of my bra down softly. "You love me, right, Casey?" Derek muttered quietly in an almost dreamy tone, leaning his head down to press a kiss to my very naked shoulder. There was a slight mocking edge in his tone, but it was barely noticeable. What was noticeable, however, was his confidence.
I tried to push him away, but it didn't work. I rolled my eyes, exasperated. "No, you idiot, I love SAM, my boyfriend!" I growled furiously. Derek backed away only a little, giving me a look. He trailed a finger down my stomach almost possessively.
"Not that you could tell from the way you were kissing me..." He countered smoothly, meeting my eyes. I couldn't meet his stare for long, and I knew it. Immediately, the guilt returned. Now I was misleading Derek too? Of all the unfair things to have on your conscience...
Derek shrugged, placing his hand on my shoulder and sliding it down the smooth skin of my arm. My breath hitched, and Derek grinned. "You didn't say a name..."
I didn't dignify that comment with a response... Mainly because I couldn't think of one. At that point, I could barely think at all. I struggled to think of something to say back, but I couldn't think straight... I knew one thing, though... I couldn't let Derek have the last word. "I thought you were Sam," I repeated stubbornly.
Derek rolled his eyes, yawning, clearly bored with the excuse. Then again, that might be because it was three-something in the morning, and we'd fallen asleep on the couch. "Yeah, because aside from the hair, the eyes, the height, the coloring, the attire, the grades, the brain, and the personality, we're so similar..." Derek retorted sarcastically, crossing his arms over his chest. Okay, Derek, I see your point. You and Sam are different. You two are not the same person. But you do act alike...
Derek pursed his lips, looking past me for a minute, staring into the space to the left of me. Then his eyes lit up with knowledge... He had a good one coming; I was sure. His eyes suddenly focused on me, twinkling with amusement. He knew he was about to get the best of me. "If that's true, then why didn't you push me off right away the second time?" He questioned slyly.
Damn him. The little bastard knew I had no answer. His fingers trailed up and down my arm, tracing patterns of swirls and dots there. I was more than a little distracted, to say the least. So I did something incredibly stupid and blurted exactly what I was thinking. Dumb, dumb, dumb Casey...
Funny, I thought Derek was the dumb one in the family. Well, you made out with him... It's probably rubbing off on you!
"Because you're a great kisser, okay? You're better than Sam!"
I felt my jaw drop right then and there. I really, truly, wanted to smack myself. Derek's jaw dropped too, but he smiled, leaning in closer to me. "Oh, you think so, do you? I think I might have to do some more demonstration of technique..." Derek flirted in a husky voice, leaning in a little closer to me, eyes openly roving over my scantily clad form, obviously liking what he saw. His gentle hands found their way to my hips, softly rubbing them up and down. It was driving me wild.
"Care to test that hypothesis, Case?" Derek asked seductively, leaning in still further to lick my bottom lip. My eyes closed involuntarily, and I flattened myself against the wall. Then Derek was kissing me again and... I opened my eyes. This was wrong, wrong, wrong... So, why... Why was I... Doing what, exactly? I looked him straight in the eye and refused to back down.
I saw something there, in the depths of those honey-colored eyes... He wants to have sex with me.
Horrified by the prospect of such a development, I pushed Derek away. "No!" Not looking behind me once for fear of what idiocy I would commit next, I ran upstairs into my room like a woman possessed... And I was. I locked the door and barricaded it with a chair, for starters. I ripped off the trampy clothes, not even bothering to wipe off the make-up, changing hurriedly into my pajamas. I got into my bed, trying to get to sleep, but it didn't work.
After what seemed like thirty minutes of this, I rose from my bed, still wide awake, and went to turn on the radio. Maybe I could drown out my thoughts with the music. Maybe, just maybe...
Of course, fate had other plans for me, per usual.
Fate really is a bitch.
What just happened, did you kiss me?
Wasn't fate just too cruel? The irony was killing me here, but I was too tired and worn out to get up and turn it off. Besides, I happen to like this song... I just don't like it when it's applied to my life... in the way that it is... I was still wondering what had happened, to tell the truth.
I sighed, leaning back against my pillow, feeling exhausted. I just needed to take a bubble bath... tomorrow. Not now. I've already seen too much of Derek as it is lately.
'Cause that's a place we've never been until now...
Sorta? Ugh... I was happier when we hadn't ever been there, gone there, done that... Derek was one place I did not want to go, if you catch my drift. My frown deepened, and I lightly touched my lips. They were full and swollen, even more so than before. That's just what I need right now, a visual reminder...
My lips a big huge beacon saying "Come make-out with me again, Derek!" I don't need to advertise myself anymore here. I'm in enough trouble as it is... more than enough. Hmm, is this how Angelina Jolie feels? No, you know what, I bet her lips don't hurt like mine... Jeez.
He really did a number on me, didn't he?
And I don't know how we're gonna be after this...
Yeah, I know! I don't know how things are going to be around here anymore other than... obviously... AWKWARD. How am I supposed to act around him? How is he going to act around me?
I hate that he doesn't seem fazed by this in the least. I hate that this isn't a big deal to him. It's a big deal to me! Why can't he see that? Why does he keep up with this? I... don't know. Maybe that's the point. Maybe he just does it because he knows it irritates me... And he doesn't mean anything by it...
Hey, a girl can hope...
I mean, we live in the same house, and we're alone until Tuesday, Wednesday? I can't remember. Lizzie and Edwin aren't even supposed to come back until Sunday... Am I just supposed to just avoid Derek until then? He's not the type that you can just ignore... He wouldn't make it easy. Derek never made anything easy.
What was I supposed to do? Call Lizzie, have her come home? Go over and stay at Emily's? Or... I could just be really careful... right?
Do we pretend these feelings don't exist at all?
Feelings, what feelings? There were no feelings!
At least... At least not on my end... I'm not quite sure about Derek. He... He acts one way, but then he acts completely the opposite and I just... don't get it.
Or do we fall?
Uh, got the answer to that one. No, it's no. A pretty vocal no. Besides, I can't fall for Derek anyways. I'm in love with Sam, his best friend... Sam... I'm so sorry! I... I just... I'm sorry, okay? I mean it, really, I do...
My confusion shows whenever you stand so close...
Well, you've got that right... Maybe if he wasn't always doing something stupid or completely crazy. He's so unreadable. I sighed, getting up and walking over to the mirror. I'd felt more than confusion...
I stumble, I stutter, forget what to say...
I remembered how I couldn't think around him. How my mind was blissfully empty of any thought at all, just feelings... Lots and lots of feelings. I can't believe I was actually speechless, though. And then I had to go be an idiot and blurt out that Derek's a better kisser than Sam... Compared to Derek, Sam's like a wet fish...
But I'm not supposed to compare them. It's wrong, and I... You can't finish that sentence and still look good, Casey. You can't.
I'm nervous, I wonder why I'm acting this way...
Of course I was nervous. You would be too if someone was looking at you like that... Intense, dark, lustily. Like I was a juicy steak, and he was a starving wolf. He wanted to have sex with me. Ugh, knowing him, I bet he still wants to, the little perv!
And my stupid heartbeat sped up, and my heart pounded against my chest. I was really wondering about him, though... Why he was acting that way? Not me... I knew why I was acting weird, and it was perfectly logical, reasonable even. Derek is a highly unstable teenage male with hormones kicked into overdrive. Who wouldn't be completely terrified?
It's temporary insanity...
What's going on with you and me?
Is it real, or is it fantasy?
Forever or just temporary...?
You know, that's what I'm wondering. What was that? I know why I kissed him... I thought he was Sam, you know, my boyfriend... But if he knew, then, why? He hates me. I hate him, it's sort of a mutual thing... And, still, he... He kissed me. And not just once.
Guess he wasn't kidding when he said if it happened once it would happen again... Why does he have to be right about this one thing? Of all the things to be right about...
You can't fake chemistry. Damn it... I am not thinking like him! I am not like Derek! I'm...
I'm worse. He has no morals, no scruples... I shouldn't be wondering about why he did it. The facts speak for themselves. The point isn't why he did it. It's that he did it. I have to accept that.
And I have to accept that I kissed him back... For whatever bizarre reason... I kissed him back. Even after I knew it was him, I didn't push him away... I kissed him. I let him kiss me. And I let him take off my shirt... I felt up my stepbrother!
I know better than that. I am better than that. I have no excuse. I... I've got to... make it up to Sam. I can't tell him. That wouldn't be good for anyone. He would dump me and hate Derek forever... I don't want to be responsible for breaking up a ten-year friendship... Derek would just hate me more, and so would everyone at school.
You can bet that it would get around. It's too juicy a rumor not to... And I can't handle Sam dumping me. I just... I can't!
But I can't live with this guilt either...
You made a move, don't change your mind...
Derek doesn't have a mind to change! I never made up my mind about the whole thing in the first place. I want Sam. I'm not even thinking about Derek, okay? He's... not my type. He's just... not my type. And I love Sam so much... I ought to tell him that. Sam, I mean, not Derek. Though maybe he'd actually back off if he knew I was in love with Sam...?
That's hoping too much, Casey. Waay, way too much. Derek doesn't give up that easily, you know. Ugh, why did he kiss me? Why did I let him? I must've lost my mind...
Too much to lose, we've crossed the line...
To state the obvious, yes, we've crossed a line here. A familial line, a blood line... Ew. It squicks me out just to think of it... Imagine what people would say, what people would think... Like Mom and George...
Well, they do say there's a line line between love and hate...
Or, in our case, just hate... But there's still hate and passion... They're freakishly similar in some ways. And when you're straddling a line like that... It's very easy for you to crack...
Oh, I'm walking on another thin line!
Between friends and something more...
Derek and I had never been friends. And by each passing day, it was becoming safer to say that we would not ever be friends... We were drifting farther and farther apart... Oh, why couldn't it work faster? I didn't mind that in the slightest.
Something more... That scared me. I don't want to be something more with Derek. I just want to get rid of him at this point... Maybe even for good.
Was it all a big mistake, 'cause if it was...
I think I can answer that question.
YES! A big, fat, whopping YES. It was a big mistake. I meant to kiss Sam. Sam wasn't even here. I didn't know. I didn't open my eyes until it was too late. It's not my fault... Derek seems more deliberate about things.
But what do I know? I mean, this is Derek we're talking about here. Derek Venturi, nonchalant as can be. He's not serious about anything. He was probably just doing it to get kicks. Do you think he's drunk? I mean, that would make a lot of sense, right?
It's much too late to undo...
Don't you think I know that?
But, seriously, do you have any idea how much I wish I could undo it? Go back in time? Wake up earlier, maybe, I don't know... NOT kiss him. Even just pushing him away or opening my eyes earlier or... something. Anything to change how it is right now.
I want to undo. Undo, undo, undo, backspace...
And I don't really want to...
That's a lie! Whoever told you that should be shot!
I do want to. I really want to. I really do want to. Really.
Let you go, but I still don't know...
Let him go? I can do that? Well, then, may he go far, far, far away, where I never have to think about him again... I still don't know.
How I feel about you, what this really means?
I know how I feel about Derek. He's my stepbrother, and I'm in love with his best friend. Enough said. Hmm, I wonder...
I got up slowly, crossing over to my mirror. My lips were red and puffy, sure, but that would go down. As for my neck... I leaned over so my neck was in the light, reflecting in the mirror, but I couldn't see much of anything. Sighing and feeling nervous, I carefully unbuttoned the top two buttons of my pajama top, bending my neck in the light, feeling a bit like a swan.
My eyes worriedly scanned my neck for any signs of redness. I could not have a hickey... How would I explain that to Sam? Oh, there was an accident with a vacuum cleaner, Darling... The vacuum cleaner's Derek's mouth, by the way? Oh, what, you're dumping me? Nooo...
I bit my lip harder, wincing in pain as I examined my neck for the telltale bumps. Some of the skin looked swollen, and some of the skin was still flushed... But I didn't see any "lovebites", and for that, at least, I was relieved. On shaky legs I walked back to the bed, remembering involuntarily.
It's crazy to want you, is it meant to be?
Crazy... I felt crazy. I didn't want Derek, but I felt crazy. The boy's been driving me crazy since we first moved in here. It's not meant to be... I'm meant to be stuck living with him, then, and that's something I can't face. Fate sucks.
It's temporary insanity...
What's going on with you and me?
Is it real, or is it fantasy?
Forever or just temporary?
It's temporary insanity...
What's going on with you and me?
Is it real, or is it fantasy?
Forever or just temporary?
Unfortunately, I knew it was real. I had the memories to prove it this time... Not just Derek's word. I mean, I highly doubt it was a very lucid dream we both shared. It might be his fantasy, but it sure wasn't mine.
What's my fantasy, you ask? Easy... I'm back home at the condo in Toronto. No Derek, no Edwin, no George, and no Marti. Don't get me wrong... I like Marti, George, and Edwin. Though Marti is a bit annoying sometimes, and Edwin's sort of Derek's pawn... Everything was so much simpler... better back then.
Hey, what'd you do to me?
I leaned back and groaned softly, biting my lip, realizing my back hurt. I carefully got back up, walking over to the mirror. I bit my lip again, lifting up my shirt a little. My hips were starting to look a little purple. I frowned, lightly touching one. I practically screamed out in pain. Well, at least they match the ones on my back and my lips. Stupid Derek.
Ooh-ooh-ooh, what's come over me?
I released my shirt, and it fell back, covering what it was supposed to. Then I turned around and padded back over to my bed, taking care to ensure that I didn't injure myself further. It took some experimentation, but I managed to find a position that was fairly comfortable to lay down in. I positioned the radio in a place where I could have easy access to turn it off.
I grabbed a book, hoping it would take my mind off things. I tried to focus on the book, really, I did... I tried. I started hearing these noises, though. They were like, scratching noises... Creaky floorboards. Stuff like that. I tried to write them off, keep reading my book, turn the music up to drown it out... Nothing worked.
I tried saying it was the air-conditioning, but it was October (or was it really November?). I tried saying it was the heat, but it hadn't been that cold tonight. No one was in the house except me and... Derek. Unless he was sneaking a girl in here, which I highly doubted. We didn't have any pets, and it wasn't windy outside. Everything in me told me that I was just imagining things.
After the night I'd had, I figured I might be...
So I got up, tiptoeing over to the door as silently as I could. I held my breath, just in case there was a burglar inside. Maybe this way, he wouldn't know I was here.
But either way, I had to know... I had to know if I was losing my mind here. I quickly un-barricaded the door and was surprised when the lock turned of its own accord... The Venturi house is haunted!
Ooh, ooh, ooh... If this is crazy, there's nothing I'd rather be...
Surprisingly enough, it was Derek at the door. His hair was messy, and he looked a little worried, but other than that, he was pretty much the same. It was... hard... to think that nothing much had changed since I'd seen him before. He nodded at me and walked in without asking.
Knock much, Derek? Great... Just what I need right now, Derek invading my personal space.
I knew he wasn't going to make this easy.
Than here with you now...
Derek scanned my room like a guard would, looking for anything or anyone potentially harmful. What was he looking for? It should be out there... I rolled my eyes and told him thus. Derek proceeded to frown. "I was worried about you," He mumbled distractedly.
Then he glanced away, then down, then up... Trying to avoid looking at me. He didn't normally do this. Normally he stared at me, checked me out... openly. Not like this. I felt confused, but shrugged nonetheless, sitting down on the edge of my bed.
Let's figure this out...
I realized that we were going to have to work this out... Figure out just what was going on and fix it. And then I realized that we were going to have to talk this out... probably even right now. Was I ready for that?
Here with you now, here with you now...
I gulped, feeling the unpleasant butterflies fluttering in my stomach. It wasn't over Derek. It was over the conversation that I knew would soon ensue. It was guaranteed to be ten different types of unpleasant at the very least. I exhaled deeply, resolving to do what I had to do.
I still couldn't look at him... Baby steps, Casey. I swallowed again, biting my lip and slowly beginning to look up. I was almost looking at his face when we heard it. A loud thud echoed throughout the house. We both knew it wasn't the heat this time.
I jumped and grabbed Derek's arm. He clamped a hand over my mouth to prevent me from screaming almost reflexively, and we waited there in that awkward silence for a while. After at least a minute free of any noise, Derek and I relaxed somewhat. He removed his hand from my mouth, smirking (probably because he had finally found out how to shut me up). I realized that I was clutching his arm like a lifeline and dropped it immediately, taking a deep breath, trying not to hyperventilate. Derek rolled his eyes.
"Drama queen..." He muttered under his breath, walking over to my door, casually flicking the lights off as he poked his head out the doorway. My eyes widened. I was all in the dark now... Anything could...
Happen.
"Derek! What'd you do that for!" I shrieked frustratedly. Derek's eyes widened, and then he was walking towards me at a brisk, determined pace. How he could see me in the dark is beyond me... His fingers closed tightly around my wrist, cutting off the circulation. He dragged me over to the door a bit rougher than was necessary.
He shot me an annoyed look, rolling his eyes at me. Holding a finger to his lips, he motioned (not too politely, might I add) for me to shut it... for real, this time. Then he released my wrist none-too-gently. He slipped out of the door, listening for sound. We waited with bated breath for what seemed like forever, but we didn't hear a sound. So, after an undefined point, Derek grabbed my wrist (not as hard this time), and we began to walk down the halls, looking for something I couldn't see.
Suddenly, once we had entered the foyer, we heard a noise. Without thinking, Derek flattened me against the wall. I noted, with some dismay, that this was the exact same spot where he'd kissed my neck in front of his grandma. I grimaced at the unpleasant memory.
Hey, he did the same thing just now, and you liked it!
Well, I didn't know he was Derek then, did I?
What, so you like kissing Derek as long as you don't know he's Derek? You do realize that that makes no sense, right?
When has anything about Life With Derek ever made sense?
Derek glanced at me fleetingly, and my breath sped up involuntarily. Damn it. Not again! He still wasn't wearing a shirt, which wasn't normal. I found myself wishing I had buttoned my shirt up a little more. Especially as he was staring right at the part of my shirt (which, admittedly, showed a little more cleavage than I was comfortable with, especially around Derek!) that was unbuttoned.
I suddenly became very conscious of the fact that Derek was pressed against me. There was barely enough space between us to breathe. I glanced away, trying to look for the mystery invaders... or whatever it was that was making all the noise. But once again, the stupid things were silent. I was about ready to make them show themselves.
It seemed like an eternity had passed of this, and it was an eternity too long for me. I sighed and tried to look away, but it was impossible. Derek was EVERYWHERE. He was inescapable. Finally, I had no choice but to glance back at him. I did a double-take. His eyes were a mixture of dark, volatile emotions, and I felt my pulse race from fear.
I practically slammed my head against the wall in an attempt to get away. But, as usual, there was no getting away from Derek. He is impossible. Derek leaned in a little, and I twisted my head, trying... It was no use. Derek followed me, getting closer, closer, closer... As if a magnetic force was drawing him to me. The air between us slowly thinned as he came closer and closer and closer... I was frozen, unable to do anything but just sit there and...
Take it.
It's temporary insanity...
What's going on with you and me?
Is it real, or is it fantasy?
Forever or just temporary?
"See, I told you Derek would be getting lucky!" A loud, triumphant voice exclaimed. In a flash, the lights went on. Derek turned around, obviously frustrated once again. I peered over his shoulder and saw... Edwin and Lizzie?
Um, excuse me, aren't they supposed to be at their friends' houses for the weekend? Still? Wait, why do I care? Derek was about to kiss me again. I should be down on my knees thanking them with every guilty fiber of my being. Lizzie and Edwin's eyes widened.
"Casey!" They both gaped. Lizzie crossed her arms over her chest, turning to Edwin. I felt myself flush and look away. I had no idea what to say to defend myself.
Lizzie and Edwin were still trying to process this whole ordeal, and, in fact, looked quite bamboozled.
It's temporary insanity...
What's going on with you and me?
Is it real, or is it fantasy?
Forever or just temporary?
I finally knew what to say. I shoved Derek away fiercely, rounding on him. "This is all your fault! Honestly, what were you thinking!" I growled violently. The curses in my head were much worse.
Derek's eyes narrowed, and he approached me a little. He crossed his arms over his chest. "I was thinking that I wanted to make sure my sister didn't get hurt!" Derek retorted irritably, as if he was doing me some huge favor by "looking out for me". Looking out for me my ass... He just wanted another excuse to...
I rolled my eyes at him, pushing him away from me once again, using a bit more force this time. I held my head high, feeling my eyes burn angrily, hands on my hips. "You can't honestly say that you think of me as a sister!" I yelled, forcing myself to suppress my violent urges... Fratricide sounds awfully nice right now.
You know, hang on a second... He can't honestly say he thinks. Last time I checked, thinking required a brain, and it's a well established fact that Derek doesn't have one.
Derek snorted, walking closer to me, smirking. I hated that smug look on his face. I just wanted to smack it right off. "And you obviously don't think of me as a brother..." Derek snarled, getting a little too close for comfort. He's been doing that a lot lately.
I glared at him, pushing him away again. "Yeah, you're right, Derek. I think of you as a horny chauvinist pig," I hissed icily, narrowing my eyes in fury. Derek wasn't phased in the slightest.
He merely shrugged, still smirking. "That didn't seem to bother you earlier," Derek drawled cockily. I pushed him again, rage such as I had never known flaring up inside of me. I wanted to kill him, rip him limb from limb... And I'd smile.
Lizzie smiled and hit Edwin in the stomach. "See, I told you they'd be fighting!" She proclaimed triumphantly, motioning for our stepbrother to pay up. They know us so well... Almost too well. Sometimes, anyways... Not all the time. Never when it counts, it seems...
Edwin made a face, rubbing his stomach. He ignored her for our argument. Looks like we've got an audience. Great... Just peachy.
"I told you a thousand times already, I thought you were Sam!" I shrieked, about ready to fly at him and, oh, I don't know... Go postal on his sorry ass?
Derek rolled his eyes, coming towards me, gesturing to himself with his hands. "Well, Case, do I look anything like Sam to you? Do I dress like Sam? Do I act like Sam? Do I smell like Sam?" Derek growled, arms outstretched. Lizzie and Edwin could only stare in awe while... While Derek was losing his mind.
Then he leaned in a little closer, and I was a helpless victim all over again. "Do I taste like Sam?" He muttered in my ear. I could feel his breath on the nape of my neck, and it made my hair stand on end. I just couldn't take it anymore... So I snapped. Lightning fast my hand reached up to slap him across the face.
But Derek, as usual, had other plans. He grabbed my wrist seconds before it would've reached my face, clutching it tightly in his fingers... Tightly enough so I couldn't move it, but not near tightly enough to bruise. Immediately, I reached up with the other hand to slap him, but Derek repeated the motion, grabbing both of my wrists now.
Then he was backing me up and slamming me into the wall. Pain exploded down my back, but Derek didn't care. He'd always been physical. It faded faster than you'd think, the pain, anyways. I wish I could say the same thing about the memories.
His eyes... those eyes... will haunt me forever. I want to forget them, really, I do, but I just... I can't erase them from my memory, no matter how hard I try. No matter how much I want to forget.
His eyes were even darker than before. Dark and clouded with wrath... lust... hatred... power. They were a million colors, dark brown, coal black, light brown, gold, honey, tan, ashy gray... A million emotions... all of them dark and intense. He leaned in closer and closer... like he'd done before. But it was different this time, different than all those other times, and I think we both knew it.
His hands pressed mine high against the wall... I felt terrified. Like Derek could do... anything... Anything at all he wanted to do to me and... And get away with it.
I didn't like that feeling.
Derek invaded. He was all I could smell, all I could see, all I could feel... And my head was literally swimming in a fog of confused thoughts. I couldn't absorb it all, much less process everything.
He leaned in even further, if that was even possible by that point, without kissing me. No, not quite yet. He was so close I could feel his breath on my face, every taut, firm line of his body pressing into mine. There couldn't have been scarcely a millimeter between us. There was barely space to breathe, not that I was getting a lot of that done anyways... Heat radiated off him and unto my skin... yet neither of us were sweating.
We were inches away from... doing something we'd both regret in the morning, I think... I wasn't doing anything. I... I couldn't move at all. He had my hands over my head, and my body pinned flat against the wall. I was frozen in anticipation, and, without even realizing it, I was holding my breath... waiting.
His lips were only maybe a centimeter away. I didn't want to think about that because I knew what would follow. Thinking about it made it real. Thinking about it made it happen. So I didn't ever want to even think about it. Thoughts are some very dangerous things, after all...
"Do I kiss like Sam?" Derek hissed huskily. I could feel his breath on my lips, but it lasted only a moment. He didn't wait for the answer. After all, why wait for an answer you already think you know? An answer you already do know... His lips crashed against mine and all common sense flew out the window.
Losing my mind, losing my mind...
Against my will, I found myself kissing him back breathlessly, bruisingly with reckless abandon. I didn't even realize I was doing it until it was too late, and I was already in too deep to get out. His experienced lips trailed all over mine possessively, sucking and licking and grazing and marking his territory...
"I'm not Sam," Derek groaned gutturally, sounding pissed about... something (who can ever tell with Derek?), biting at my lip violently, almost viciously. An excess of passion. It was like he was gasoline and... I was the match. Or, or maybe it was vice-versa... Isn't it all the same thing anyways? You've got fire either way. Yes, this was fire, and it scared me. It hurt me, and here I was getting burnt. I tasted iron from where my pained lips bled. Derek didn't care... He still devoured my lips.
I heard myself moan and cry against him. But, like a good Boy Scout, he kept applying pressure by kissing me harder and harder and... I couldn't think at all anymore. I could only surrender to the greater power here... Derek. I had to... surrender. Give in...
I heard the gasps somewhere in the back of my head. Edwin and Lizzie. I was surprised I could hear them over the alarms going off in my head, and the blood pumping in my ears.
"Is he...?"
"Yeah, I think he is..."
"But that's..."
"I know..."
"She's not his..."
"Isn't she?"
"Casey's not... Not like all his other girls."
"In some ways, yeah, she's different... But in others... Well, look..."
"So why are they... kissing?"
"I don't know, but there's something seriously wrong here..."
"You got that right, Brother."
Whoa, what's going on?
Brother, stepbrother, Derek, Sam, boyfriend, brother... CRAP!
I don't remember much about kissing him... I just remember that I was a good girl. I did my job. I kissed him back. But then I remembered who he was... Who I was... Sam... And...
I don't know how, but I summoned a superhuman strength I didn't know I possessed, and I somehow managed to throw Derek off of me. My wrists were still pinned down when I did this. To this day, I still say it was a miracle. I don't know how else I could've achieved it, honestly, I don't!
My eyes flew open, and I pulled myself off the wall... I didn't know how, but I was breathless, lightheaded, shaking like a leaf, and sweating profusely. Derek was sprawled on his back on the floor. He lay there, merely looking surprised... Breathless, a little floored... Trying to catch his breath, as if I'd knocked all the wind out of him.
That dreadful realization hit me with the stunned looks Lizzie and Edwin shot me. They were confused, unaccustomed to dealing with more grown-up... or more immature... love-hate relationships. I didn't have time to even process that. My head was still reeling, mind racing at the speed of light, which is, of course, a physical impossibility according to Einstein's Law of... Why am I...
I'm losing my mind, losing my mind...
"I LOVE SAM!" I screamed, panting. I had to make Derek know this. I just... had to. He had to get it... So he could just, you know, leave me the hell alone! I... I needed a break. Didn't he... Couldn't he see that? That I needed to be far away from him?
Lizzie and Edwin both jumped and then blinked, even more mystified than before. Not that I could blame them. I was just as confused... They didn't get how one person could have feelings for two people at a time... Not that I had feelings for Derek! That's just how it looked to them. They automatically think anyone who kisses likes each other. Which, as we all well know, is a complete and utter lie. Sure, it helps, but it doesn't determine it.
Derek made a face and got up. He had obviously caught his second wind. "Start acting like it!" He snapped roughly, disgust evident in his tone. He has the nerve to be disgusted of me? He has the nerve to be... I... I should be the pissed one here. He kissed me against my will... AGAIN! It's not healthy. Not for my mental sanity and stability.
I could feel myself beginning to hyperventilate. "If you ever kiss me again, Derek, I will castrate you!" I howled, charging towards him. I was about to tackle him or something when I took a deep breath and held myself back.
Derek didn't look the least scared. I was furious. Derek looked downright smug again. He was smirking, the arrogant little asshole, and he had no right! None whatsoever. And, damnit, I was in love with Sam! Why the hell couldn't he get that!
Maybe because you keep sending him mixed signals by kissing him back!
It's not my fault! I had no choice! I was pinned against the wall! There was nowhere to go!
"That would make it awfully hard to have sex with me, now wouldn't it, Case?" Derek replied smoothly and cockily, exuding confidence from every pleased pore. That was it, really and truly... My true breaking point. I just couldn't take it any longer!
Losing my mind, oh...
I flew at him, and in an instant, I'd tackled him. This time I had him pinned. I didn't speak, I only straddled him (I wasn't thinking about screwing his brains out, rather, I wanted to knock what little he had left out). Derek still smirked.
"You know, Case, if you wanted to screw me, all you had to do was ask..." He drawled seductively, looking very, very self-satisfied and, oh, the horror... turned on. His grin stayed firmly in place no matter what maneuver I tried...
Finally, I socked him. Right in the face. Gave him a fat lip... Not that it changed much. Sure, it opened up the cuts, but it wasn't that different from what had happened to me. I couldn't even see straight anymore. Vengeance and bloodlust clouded my vision. I started hitting him and I couldn't, I wouldn't... stop.
Derek sat up, staring at me and looking absolutely undamaged, unfrazzled, unrattled... Unshaken. He was strong, on top, confident, and assured. One hundred percent. I hated him all the more for it.
I was... coming undone at the seams. My world was falling apart here, and he was laughing at me, mocking me, dancing on the shattered remains of my life, my love, my sanity. The angry coils of enmity rose up inside of me, bubbling and bubbling faster and faster, coming thicker and thicker... Bigger. My hatred grew.
I was in a blind rage. I wrapped my fingers around his neck, trying to choke him, strangle him, asphyxiate him, kill him... Anything to get that stupid annoying look off his face. I felt Edwin and Lizzie pulling me off of him, but I put up a fight.
In the end, Edwin tended to his brother while Lizzie took me gently by the hand, taking me upstairs to my room. I was still shrieking "I hate you" at the top of my lungs, over and over and over again... I couldn't stop until, somehow Lizzie quieted me.
She turned off the radio, and she stayed with me that night... It was nice.
Insanity, ah ah ohh, what you do to me...
But it was official now. Derek had finally driven me off the deep end. And he wouldn't stop...
Loren ;
Great song, check it out, plus, don't forget to... REVIEW! Lol, nah, seriously, thanks guys. I couldn't do it without you nagging me all the time, and, plus, I had a lot of fun writing the last part. ;) yawn It was so totally worth it anyways, so thanks!