Sorry for not updating in... Over a month, I've been told? I was just really blocked (I absolutely hate to use or even think that word, by the way) for a while on the Derek/Casey conversation and how to end it and Derek's... crap... and what not. But some reviewers decided to beg and implore and nag and grumble about it... Seriously, I love you guys. I got 31 reviews (and an 18 review per chapter average is... AWESOME) for the last chapter, which completely blows MY mind. So I thought it was high time I updated. Nah, I was gonna update anyways when I got back from Mexico (It's amazing how inspired you get when half the TV shows are in Spanish, and you've been reading all day). That was Wednesday, and I've been writing like a fiend ever since.
Okay, first of all, Derek is sort of different in the beginning of the chapter than he is at the end. But hey, after reading a Cruel Intentions fic or two and some other screwed up romances/angsts, you'd be surprised how it inspires you. So I got over the bit of a block at the end. Anyways, admittantly, Derek is HARSH, blunt, and frank in this chapter. It's like Derek to the extreme towards the end. The beginning's normal. This chapter's kinda gonna blow your mind a little. But not as much as the last one, 'cause nothing can really top that. Anyways, he's very cynical, but he'll get worse. Also, there's a lot of raw testosterone in this chapter... I guarantee you that you will think he is a jerk at least once. In fact, you will probably want to slap him for something he thinks/says. Oh, and there's a lot of Sam-bashing too. It's pretty brutal this chapter.
Derek really won't change much in this fic. Or really, at all, for that matter. Casey's the one who does the changing. I figured it was high time someone made Casey compromise rather than Derek. I mean, he doesn't really change at all. He's still the same guy who always wants his way and just HAS to have the last word. He will be able to be in a long-term relationship and have romantic feelings, but that's 'bout it.
Anyways, I don't own Life With Derek. Just this fic's future plotlines. Oh, and a special thanks goes out to Abby and her wonderful fic Confrontations (see, I didn't call it Consequences! And I remembered! seriously, Abby, I told you you'd influenced a part... Mind you, yours is way different than mine... I'll be thanking you again soon, I'm sure... Quite possibly in the next chapter, though I think that's a bit too soon for what I have in mind... And this is a promotion, hint, hint to all you readers... It's a great little story, so read it and be happy) for the inspiration... Except I haven't read it in a while, so I don't remember it as well as I ought to... The French bits really aren't that important, and, in case it isn't clear, it's Sunday by now in the fic. Oh, and thanks to anyone who reviewed!
Ugh, finding a title for this chapter was hard. It was between Wishful Thinking, the current title, Lost, and This Heart of Mine. But I like the first three songs better, and Wishful Thinking is, ironically, too upbeat in some respects, and Lost is, well, doesn't quite fit, and the revelation doesn't really happen in this chapter at all. Actually, even some of this song doesn't fit... But I love the song and the general message as well as the title is sorta what I'm looking for... So anyone who guesses which band sings this song wins a pretty prize of spoiler-riffic spoilers. Anyways, now I'm going off into the fic for once...
Mmm, that was a good dream... Oh, wait, that actually happened! I made out with Casey... And not just once! I can't believe I thought it'd be over it if I kissed her once. Because I don't just want to kiss her one time. I'm not okay with that. I want Casey, and I want her bad.
She avoided me all of Saturday, and I didn't make an effort to chase. Hey, I know when someone needs space. Space brings clarity... and hopefully her dumping Sam. Besides, I've been in a good mood since then. So she tried to strangle me... The point is that she didn't succeed, and that she kissed me. She actually kissed me... when she was in her full mind. I mean, this is huge! Boy, did she kiss me...
In the middle of my thoughts, I heard a knock on the door. "What?" I called out groggily. I heard some awkward shuffling around the door. It wasn't Casey, that much I knew. I don't know how...
"Uh... Derek... Can I..." It was Edwin. Right then and there the Queen of England could've come in my room and I wouldn't have cared. Without even opening my eyes, I waved my hand. My voice was low and gravelly. It hurt a little. Probably from sleeping with my mouth open.
"Sure, Ed," I grunted wearily. You see, last night I tried to test the waters with Casey... She sorta didn't answer. So I was just all... whatever. I went out clubbing and left her to babysit. I went through a pack of cigarettes that night.
I went through a pack of cigarettes Friday night too... Saturday morning, whenever... I couldn't go to sleep, so I snuck out on the roof, staring at the stars and smoking... Just thinking. Stuff I normally don't do. I did a lot of thinking... on Casey, of course. I was out there so late I caught the sunrise. So that's me... Two packs a day. I don't normally smoke, you know. Usually it's just one or two if I do at all... I mean, I've seen the pictures, read the literature, watched the commercials. I know they're bad for you, but, hey, I happen to like a lot of things that are bad for me...
I don't know. It just... helps me unwind sometimes, I guess. Not that I'm normally this stressed. I'm normally never stressed. But I've had a secret stash ever since Casey moved in. You know how many packs I went through then? Eight packs that first week she was there. Eight. The girl damn near got me hooked on smoking.
My throat was a little sore. Edwin came in, and I opened a bloodshot eye. Okay, so my head hurt... a lot. I winced as the world spun around me for a minute. Forgot to mention that Amy had to drive me home again last night, didn't I? Okay, so I maybe got a little wasted. Okay... A lot wasted. And I still couldn't get Casey out of my head.
I forced myself to blink and sit up, being careful not to make any sudden movements. Edwin turned the lights on. "Jeez, Edwin!" I moaned, throwing my arm over my tired eyes. Edwin laughed nervously and turned the lights off. There was still light to see by, of course. It wasn't that bad.
"Sorry, Derek... Look, if you want, I'll just go..." Edwin replied cautiously. He'd been skittish around me ever since Saturday morning. Not that I blame him... But hey, I was a jerk. They should be used to that... Casey was the one who went violent... Is it twisted that that just makes me like her more? Probably, but then again, what isn't twisted about the idea of me with Casey?
I shrugged and waved him off. "Nah... 'S fine... Whaddaya want?" I slurred, still feeling somewhat drunk. I wasn't, of course, but being drunk feels a hell of a lot better than a hangover. Edwin peered at me suspiciously but wisely opted to say nothing. Smart move, Kiddo. See, this is why you're the little genius...
Edwin bit his lip... You know, Casey does that a lot... Oh, man, and she looks so hot when she does. And then there's the times when I bite her lip... Those are the best. I wonder if the swelling's gone down yet. It hasn't gone down much on me... I think this is the first time that I've been to a club in ages without actually hooking up with anyone. Muy strange.
Tout la monde dans la boîte duvient ivre...
That song was on... I took it a bit too literally. Quelle suprise! What can I say? Like I said, the only thing I do half-assed is my homework.
I rolled my eyes and motioned for him to hurry it up. Edwin did as asked and instead of spending the normal, decent amount of time he usually does on talking, he blurted it out right there. "I think I like Lizzie." I blinked at him, clearly disbelieving. At first, I thought I heard him wrong. I mean, it's Edwin. He's ten. Maybe he said Frizzy or... Ditzy... or Fritzy... or Fizzy... or Busy... Or Dizzy... or... Okay, so none of those are really names. Whatever.
Then my eyes widened and I leaned forward a little. "Excuse me... What!" I yelled, panicking just a little... Okay, a lot... Okay, so it was kind of like my meltdown at the wedding. Not the point. Edwin flinched and shrank back a little, but he held his ground. I couldn't fault the guy for doing that.
"You heard me," He muttered indignantly. I blinked, a little surprised. And that's how I know he's my brother. The sarcastic remarks. Ah, how they run in the family... You know, if he's giving me lip... Then he must be serious. Daaamn, this is one scary prospect. I mean, first Dad and Nora... Then me liking Casey... Now Edwin's lost his mind too!
"Ed, you can't like Lizzie. I mean it," I stated sincerely, my tone firm. I have to help him. I mean, sure, I'm not the greatest brother... Okay, I'm a terrible brother to Edwin. But I know things, being older... And I don't want him stuck like I am, mooning over some stupid girl we happen to live with. Edwin gave me a challenging look. He looked very irritated.
"Oh, and why can't I like her, Derek? Because you say so?" Edwin snapped, his tone full of resentment. Okay, so maybe I should've gone a little easier on him from time to time... I wasn't really that bossy, was I? I was... But why would I keep my brother from Lizzie unless I was trying to protect him? I'm actually doing the right thing there.
I shook my head, groaning. "No, man, that's not it at all. I could care less. Just... think about it for a second," I backpedaled, trying to explain. I have to make him understand what I mean... What I'm trying to do here. It's really for his benefit. "She's your stepsister, for one thing..."
Edwin's eyes darkened. "This from the guy who made out with his stepsister?" Edwin scoffed, disbelieving. Hehe... Oh, right... He saw that. How could I forget?
That one's obvious, Derek. You were making out with Casey. Your mind wasn't exactly on the fact that you were all over each other in front of your little brother. It wasn't really... on... anything.
"Casey and me are not you and Lizzie. There is a very clear difference," I interjected emphatically. There was. Casey was older and bossier, whereas Lizzie was nicer, more vacillating. They have perfectly suited personalities for each other.
I rolled my eyes, slightly annoyed, and continued. "Well, just think about what would happen if you told her, and she shot you down. You would have to see her every day. You'd never get over her," I pointed out, trying to talk him out of it. For some reason, I was worried that he would do something about those "feelings" of his. But I did definitely have a point. Edwin fixed me with a glare. Jeez, he's a lot more serious than I thought.
"What, Derek, am I really that much of a loser? Am I such a loser that it's absolutely inconceivable to believe that a girl like Lizzie might actually like me?" Edwin growled bitterly. I felt bad. He looks so... sad. I mean, okay, my little brother's not the coolest guy out there, but... I know it sounds weird that I, of all people, am saying this... But there are more important things than being cool. I mean, some days I would kill to be as smart as Edwin. Granted, those days number very few, because it means I'd have to try in school (then again, if I was really that smart, I probably wouldn't have to do much).
Like, for instance, if I was as smart as Edwin, I probably wouldn't have kissed Casey last night. Which would've totally sucked, now that I know what it's like. I think being good with girls makes up for the whole not-scientifically-inclined thing.
Edwin's not that much of a loser, though. I mean, hello, he's my little brother. I'm sure he'll come into it. Eventually, I think. Anyways, he actually has a chance with Lizzie. After all, they're sorta friends. Well, they're at least on regular speaking terms, you know, when he doesn't smell like a goat. Proper hygiene is still very important, you know. I mean, there's a limit. You can't be so clean that you're all... metro... about it. But generally, wearing the same thing for weeks is... just plain bad.
"No... In fact, I think Lizzie probably likes you... despite the fact that you're a dork. You and her are close, I'll give you that... But what happens if you tell her and you get shot down? How would you ever be able to be in the same room with her?" I continued nonchalantly, trying my hardest to convince him that this whole liking-Lizzie thing was a bad idea. And it was, hello, I've been there! I am there. And it sucks. I wasn't just saying that for his benefit, you know...
It's just... Edwin gives great advice... on limited topics. So I wanna see what he thinks about it. You know, in case I ever decide to bare it all and tell Casey how I feel. Man, I sound like some corny love song. Not that Casey and me are close or anything, but we do live in very close quarters. I mean, her room is across the hall from mine, and we share a bathroom. If things got messy... It'd be a disaster.
Edwin's face lit up when I mentioned that the girl of his prepubescent dreams might actually like him. It's pretty likely. After all, they're around each other A LOT. And Edwin's decent to her. I can sorta tell when people like each other, love each other, that kind of crap. The point is, I have this sixth sense for telling how people feel. Unfortunately, I can tell that this is the real thing, and I've been picking up some vibes between them lately. I should've been expecting this conversation...
It's how I knew Dad was head-over-heels for Nora... And how I knew about Casey and Sam. Though, really, a blind cow could've seen that building. So I know that Sam's really not as committed to Casey as she is to him. Then again, my own personal feelings could be influencing that. There's just... something off with their relationship. I know it's not going to last. Regardless of whether I exercise my considerable power in the equation or not. I don't know what's going to do it in, but it'll be something.
Casey, on the other hand... She genuinely loves Sam, or, at least, that's what she's telling herself. I'm kinda biased towards the second one. As for how she feels about me? That's a little bit trickier. I know she's at least attracted... 'cause how could she not be? I mean, seriously! So she lusts after me... Going a bit far there, I know, but it's true... After all, why else would she kiss me back?
I mean, she can tout those excuses all she wants, but I don't believe them. There's something between us. A blind person could see it. Or maybe not, since no one seems to think anything of it but the two of us... Whatever. I know what I feel, and she feels it too. She has to. After all, you can't fake chemistry, and that's what she's doing with Sam. Faking it, deluding herself.
Edwin looked at me then, and I was struck by how mature he seemed suddenly. There was a determined look in his eyes that I had never seen before. "At least it would be better than having to look at her every day, not knowing..." Edwin posed thoughtfully. He has a point, but then again, he's the sort of type to angst over such things. You see, me, I don't care. I don't care that Casey doesn't know, 'cause that makes it a hell of a lot easier for me. I do care that she's with Sam though... As weird as it is, and trust me, it's WEIRD for me to be saying this; I want her with me...
"Or what if it told her, you were together... And she dumped you?" I posed, becoming more desperate to convince him... and myself... to not pursue it. Edwin shrugged, and for a second, he kinda looked like me. Huh. Guess we are related after all...
"At least I would've been with her... That would've been worth it," Edwin replied easily. Damn him. Was he deliberately trying to make me think? I don't need to second-guess myself. I need to be sure and... Ugh. I've got to talk him out of this.
I rolled my eyes, running a hand through my hair. I sighed, reaching the end of my rope. I seriously had to talk him out of this. "And you can bet that Dad and Nora wouldn't be happy about it," I continued, pointing out the obvious. Edwin rolled his eyes. Hmm, maybe he's getting a bit of a backbone. Yikes.
"Oh yeah... Bet you were taking that into consideration when you made out with Casey earlier," Edwin retorted sarcastically. I glared at him. Oh, sure... Bring that up again. You won't shut up about that, but you neglect to mention Casey attempting to strangle me. Hey, I wasn't the only one who lost my mind that night... morning... whatever! I mean, we both lost our minds... So it's only fair that we get equal exposure and blame. Edwin shrugged again, before I could say anything. "Besides, they don't have to know... And if they disapprove, they can stuff themselves," Edwin drawled, sounding sneaky. Okay, that's it... The kid is most definitely MY little bro.
I snorted. But Edwin still wasn't finished. Nah, he had to ice the cake. "Because I'm in love with her and that's all that matters!" He wound up shouting a bit too loudly for his own good. My jaw dropped. That's an understatement. My jaw dropped to the floor. Am I still drunk? I mean, he can't love Lizzie. He just told me he liked her like, what, a second ago? This is ridiculous... He moves... fast.
"You're not in love! You're too young to be in love!" I blurted, leaping to my feet. Whoo... My head's spinning, and not in a good way. I held my aching head, trying to gather my bearings. That took me a good five minutes. Edwin crossed his arms over his chest, scowling at me.
"And you're too young to be sexually active!" Edwin countered, sounding absolutely disgusted. How... How does he know about that? I mean, I don't sleep with people in my own house... Not that I sleep with people at all... I usually leave right... You know, I don't do that either... Heh. Heh. Seriously, though, how does he...?
I was a bit flummoxed for a second, but I managed to recover as quickly as I could. "You don't even know what love is!" I found myself sneering, walking closer to Edwin, and poking him in the chest. Edwin looked scared. But then his eyes hardened and narrowed, and he pushed me back a little.
"Oh, and you do? You, who can't even stay with a girl for two weeks, know what love is! I don't even think you know what it's like to like a girl!" Edwin scorned, glaring at me. Okay, so maybe he thought he was serious. But he wasn't in love with the girl. He was just very, very attached, and right now, that's clouding his mind. I have to give him credit though... He must really mean it.
I shoved him angrily. "Well, I'm getting a hell of a lot more action than you!" I yelled irritably. Okay, so maybe I wasn't exactly in a mood to be pushed. I've been having moodswings since the act. Jumping from elated happiness to anger to... Well, I don't know. The point is, I'm moody and sulky. I've been on edge since it happened... This silence thing with Casey. On the bright side, Sammy hasn't stopped by. Edwin glowered at me.
"You've never been in love, so what do you know about it!" Edwin screamed back. His face turned red. I can see why he thinks that... I mean, it's...
My fists clenched. "You don't know that! I have been in love! I..." I hollered back impulsively. I didn't know what to say next. There was nothing I could...
"With who, Derek?" Edwin asked, a menacing gleam in his eyes. You think you're getting it out of me? That's just plain ridiculous. Now I was really on edge.
"You don't know her!" I shrieked desperately, on the verge of completely losing it. I had lost it... Love? Did I just admit to Edwin that I... I did. I can't believe I... I thought I'd fo... Damn! "Oh, god..." I muttered vaguely, trying to collapse. It didn't work, of course. As soon as I sunk back down on to my bed, I felt sick. Edwin shot me a weird look, but I gritted my teeth and looked up at him wearily.
I... I have to fix this. Before I throw up. I don't normally barf when I'm hungover. I fixed him with an intense look, clutching the head of the bed with white knuckles, grimacing. "Look, Ed... Even despite all that, you're nuts if you think Casey'll be cool with it," I groaned, biting my lip as a wave of pain hit my stomach.
Edwin fixed me with a look this time around. A look that clearly said he wasn't buying it... But he has to. "She was sure cool with your kisses," Edwin grunted under his breath. I tried to glare at him, but I felt too ill to bother. I sighed, trying to keep it all together. I was fighting a losing battle with my stomach.
"You keep bringing that up! I know Casey, okay. And, obviously, since she, oh, I don't know, sorta tried to kill me afterwards... I don't think she was cool with it. She thinks it's morally wrong. I know, I've heard it all. You're my brother, and she's her sister. The girl wants nothing to do with me, and you and Lizzie would just throw us together again and again. If you did something stupid, Lizzie would complain to Casey, and Casey would come bitch to me about it... Casey won't let you date Lizzie, period," I pointed out emphatically. I tried to stand again, but my stomach was killing me.
Edwin was about to say something else, but a wave of nausea hit me and suddenly I was up and running out of my room. The bathroom door was locked, but I jumped up, grabbed the key, and forced it in the lock. I barely managed to shut the door behind me before I raced at the toilet, bending over to throw up in it. Something is seriously wrong here. I usually have a pretty high liquor tolerance. I NEVER vomit. Never. Okay, except for the first time I ever got drunk... Which is obviously not now. I felt another wave of nausea hit me and leaned back over the toilet. I threw up again, trying to close my eyes and ignore the terrible smell. Disgusted, I reached over and flushed the toilet. Then I just leaned against it, laying there with my head against the porcelain and my feet against the wall.
A wave of sickness hit me again, and miserably, I leaned against the cool toilet, praying it would pass. Usually I just had a really bad headache. Sometimes bright light hurt my eyes, and sometimes loud sounds hurt my ears, but other than that... I was mostly fine. A few aspirin generally took care of it. Not today, however. Moaning weakly, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and closed my eyes.
It may sound unbelievable, but I hadn't noticed that the water was running until I closed my eyes. Ridiculous, I know, but I was sorta focused on other things... Like getting to the toilet in time. My eyes flew open with the realization. Without any doubt, I knew it was Casey. I didn't feel up to facing her. Hell, I didn't even feel up to standing.
And then the water stopped. My eyes were immediately riveted to the shower curtain, waiting... Casey started to open the curtain, but then she saw me and gasped. Almost immediately, her eyes narrowed in annoyance. "Derek..." She snarled, sounding absolutely disgusted. She stepped behind the curtain, hiding everything except her head. Well, any flesh would make me go nuts. I merely blinked up at her tiredly. "What're you doing here? I locked the door!" Casey exclaimed, becoming progressively more annoyed by the second.
I felt sluggish, so I merely shrugged and didn't budge. I didn't have the strength. "I'm not going to jump you, if that's what you're worried about..." I mumbled distractedly. I closed my eyes. I wish I could just go back to sleep. Casey flinched, but I wasn't phased. I could feel her eyes on my neck. Relax, Case, the bruises are only minimal. They'll fade.
"Look, Derek... We need to talk." Gee, you think? The words every guy... every girl... everyone dreads to hear. Nothing good ever follows them. I sighed, opening my eyes again and slowly got to my feet. In a few steps, I was standing in front of the shower. For some reason, my breath was coming in a little bit short. I...
I looked at her levelly, and Casey fidgeted under my stare. She bit her lip, looking pretty uncomfortable and embarrassed. Wow, guess the feeling's mutual. I just don't like feeling like this. Like I'm not in control. It's... sorta scary. I licked my lips, in a totally not-intentional way, and grabbed a towel from the towel rack. I offered it to Casey, a sheepish smile on my face. She stared at the towel wordlessly, too surprised for words.
I smiled weakly, offering it to her again. "I thought you might be comfortable with more between us than a shower curtain," I replied quietly. Casey stared at me blankly. Okay, didn't she mention something about talking? Well, whatever daze she was in, she snapped out of it a second or two later.
She pulled the curtain around her tighter. Her knuckles were even white. Then she exhaled and cleared her throat. Casey couldn't even look at me. This might be harder than I thought. "About what happened..." She began awkwardly. I knew exactly what she was going to say next. I thought you were Sam... Blah, blah, blah. That, of course, doesn't explain why the hell she kissed me back, but whatthehellever. So, naturally, I dropped all pretense and had to interrupt. Because Casey just doesn't get it.
"Save it, Case. If you tell me you thought I was Sam one more time, I'm gonna hurl," I interrupted irritably. Well, hey, maybe I'm getting a bit of my color back. You know, on second thought, maybe I'll just hurl anyways. After all, it's what I was doing a few minutes ago, and why is now any different? I dropped the towel on the floor symbolically (though symbolic of what I wasn't quite sure) and crossed my arms over my chest. My eyes bored into hers and she was even more uncomfortable. Casey bit her lip.
"I don't really know what to say..." Casey mumbled, looking down. She really didn't know what to say. A sorry might be a little nice. You know, for trying to kill me. But hey... It's cool. I was being an ass and, really, I get that. But I was just trying to protect myself. I mean... I really wasn't thinking all that clearly anyways. Casey had just kissed me, and I was in a bit of a haze.
Next thing I knew, I was moving closer to her. A shower curtain and a couple inches of air were the only things separating our bodies now. I wouldn't forget that. I couldn't forget that, even if I wanted to. "Then don't say anything," I whispered suggestively, leaning in a little and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
Casey's eyes fluttered closed involuntarily. I didn't move my hand, but instead slid my fingers down her damp cheek. Her skin's so soft. My fingers brushed against her full lips and dropped down to her neck, resting in that hollow spot at the base of her throat. Casey's breaths were erratic and short. I leaned in further, to kiss her again. This was going a hell of a lot better than I'd planned. I had almost kissed her when she whispered, almost against my lips, "Don't."
I blinked, confused, and Casey shook her head, a pained look crossing her face. What just happened here? I... I don't know. Casey sighed, leaning back a little. "Derek... This can't happen. You have to stop," Casey said firmly, pushing me away. Forceful. I like that in a girl... I like that in Casey. But she's crazy if she thinks I'm going to listen to her. After all, when have I ever listened to her in the past... about anything?
She avoids my eyes, pulls that thin curtain tighter around herself. She can't even look at me. That's what you do when you lie. You can't look a person in the eye. She's desperate and scared. She doesn't mean this. I know it. She doesn't; she can't. "I... I don't have feelings for you. I'm in love with Sam," She stammers, still avoiding my eyes. I don't believe that, and I don't believe her. She can lie to herself all she wants, but she can't lie to me. I may be stupid, but even I'm not that stupid.
I fixed her with a hard, flinty look. "Then explain why you were kissing me back, Case," I ordered abruptly. I took my hands off her, waiting for her to answer. She couldn't, of course. I mean, what do you say? I got caught up in the heat of the moment? I stopped thinking? My brain was clouded by lust? They're all bad excuses, and she knows it. I charged on. "You can't, can you?" I snapped, eyes narrowing.
Casey floundered for something to say, but once again, I interrupted. "Last time I checked, if you kiss someone like that... You mean it," I stated bluntly. I looked at her, hoping she got the message. "And I know I meant it." I don't know who, but after I said that, one of us took a sharp intake of breath. The silence was beyond awkward. It was deafening. Casey shook her head, disbelieving. What the hell am I thinking here, by the way? I mean, have I lost my ever-loving mind?
Obviously. I should've just made out with her in the beginning. Then I wouldn't be having this problem.
"What the hell is wrong with you, Derek! I'm your stepsister... Your best friend's girlfriend... And you hate me! So... So why are you doing this?" Casey shrieked, sounding insanely frustrated. She shoved me then. I didn't exactly know what to say... But she had me all wrong. She always read me wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. She sighed, leaning against the wall, collapsing a little.
"I don't give a damn about any of that, Casey!" I exclaimed passionately. I bent down to pick up the towel, which I then chucked at her, displaying only a little of my frustration. This time, she caught it. She disappeared behind the curtain for a minute, but I could see her silhouette, and well, that was enough to make me need to take a cold shower. A moment later she emerged from the shower wearing the towel. Just the towel. Can you say hot?
She fixed me with a severe look, her hands on her hips. "Don't, Derek," She snapped in a no-nonsense tone. Don't what? You don't get to boss me around. I mean, I like you, but that doesn't mean I'm going to listen to you. Because, frankly, I couldn't stay away from you if I tried... And I think the feeling's mutual. "Don't do this! Don't say things like that!" Casey cried, throwing her hands in the air. Try and stop me, Case. Go on ahead and try. I dare you.
"Don't tell me what to do, Case. Maybe I don't want to stay away... You ever think of that? You're not the boss of me, Casey, and I can do whatever I want with whoever I want whenever I want... Got it?" I challenged, getting in her face a little. Arguing with Casey is... both fun and... frustrating. Casey rolled her eyes and scoffed.
Things were about to get... rough. For me... 'Cause of Casey. Obviously. Casey's eyes narrowed further. She was really angry now. I didn't really get where all the anger came from. Some place deep down inside of her, I guess. But when she let it out... Watch out!
"Okay, fine! Since you don't seem to get it, I'll make it clear," Casey snarled, starting to pace in the shower. You know, if she keeps that up, she's going to slip. I mean, sure, I'll be here to catch her, but my reflexes aren't performing at optimal level right now. Obviously, 'cause of the hangover. I rolled my eyes, but listened anyways. Casey looked me right in the eyes. Her gaze never faltered once. I'll be honest. It was freakin' intense.
"I'm in love with Sam. Period. There is no room for another guy in my life, especially not you. I'm certainly not in love with you. I don't have any remotely romantic feelings for you. I don't even like you most of the time. In fact, while I'm at it, let me just say that I hate you. You make my skin crawl. I despise everything about you. And your annoying little habit of hitting on me is unwanted and unneeded. So you should cease and desist immediately. Got it?" She snapped quickly, at some points all in one breath. I'm not gonna lie. Hearing all that from her? It sorta stung a little, a lot... It's all relative.
But I knew she didn't really mean all that, so it was almost fine. I know she's "in love" with Sam. And I know she's not in love with me. Sure, I'll admit that. I mean, I'm kinda an ass to her most of the time. She might hate me, and well, she has right. But I don't make her skin crawl. I make her skin itch, tingle, buzz... But not crawl. So I was prepared with a response, per usual.
"That doesn't mean you don't want me," I countered coolly, feeling the smirk slide across my face. Casey slapped me before I knew what was happening. Naturally, per usual, she looked horribly frustrated. Just the way I like her.
"No, Derek... That's what the slap means," She sneered. But then she stepped back a minute to stare at me, suddenly confused. Confused about what exactly? Hmm... "I don't get you. You could have any girl at school, yet you come unto me. Why? I demand to know why!" Casey mumbled, peering at me curiously.
Because I'm in love with you! That's why.
I didn't say that, of course. I merely shrugged nonchalantly. "Easy access..." My first answer, of course, and on some level, I suppose it was true. But if I really wanted easy access, I could've gone for Emily next door... Or even Vicky. By the logic of "easy access", other logical choices would be Nora, Lizzie, and Marti. Okay, ew, now I'm grossing myself out here. I expected Casey to punch me in the shoulder, so I was prepared, flexing. It didn't hurt me a bit.
I licked my lips and continued, my eyes finally focusing on hers. I wanted her to get that I actually meant this. "And... maybe it's because you're the one girl I can't get... I happen to like a challenge," I said honestly, feeling a little vulnerable. I had to be very careful here. After all, I was treading on thin ice. At any second, the ice could break, and then I'd really be screwed. Like the time I almost died when we were playing hockey on Uncle Tim's farm.
Casey hit me again, looking cross. This time, I wasn't expecting it. Ow. "That's the stupidest reason I ever heard!" She proclaimed before hitting me again. Honestly, what did she want me to say? Oh, Casey... You're my soulmate? Oh, Casey... Tu es la seule femme de ma vie? Seriously... I'm not offering a marriage proposal here. That's about as... romantic as I can get. I mean, sure, I say all sorts of crap to other girls.
Lies, pretty much. It makes sense, of course, that I can't tell Casey the truth. A guy's got to protect his interests, or, in this case, his life. But I wasn't thinking about that when I responded, per usual. "Speaking of stupid reasons... Come up with an excuse for kissing me back yet?" I asked smugly. Casey, of course, couldn't answer 'cause she didn't have any.
I smirked, fixing her with a smug look, leaning in a little further. "Yeah, that's what I thought," I replied after some time, eyes narrowed. Casey's glare intensified. She wanted to slap me. No doubt about that. But she didn't quite have a reason yet. I haven't said anything offensive or flirtatious enough yet. Give me time, I'm telling you.
I'll just start rambling off like a lunatic. Say something stupid. Put my foot in my mouth. You know, normal stuff. I just don't know when to stop. "Hey, Casey, what would be a good excuse? Just curious," I questioned craftily. Casey's eyes were like blue fire. She was getting pissed. Not mad enough to strangle me, but mad enough to storm off angrily.
There's only one problem with that, however... She's not wearing any clothes. Well, not much clothes. Not that I mind, of course... I mean, they're not really storming sort of clothes, you know? Especially considering that I could make the towel disappear in one strong tug.
Why is it that that idea is sounding better and better by the minute? I mean, I'm at the end of my rope here. It's at the point where I'm 'bout a step away from just... Screwing her brains out. My self-control has become very important. Because she has to like me. I mean, I know she wants to do me. Hell, if I were a girl, I'd want to do me. But she doesn't know she wants to do me yet. And she has to want to and know that for it to count.
'Cause I'm not going to jail unless I kill someone. Who is hard to say right now, but I'm leaning towards Sam...
Damn, I really need a cold shower to cool me down. They're becoming so familiar. How unfortunate. Oh, wait, Casey's talking... "None," She growled, acting like she wanted to tear me apart. Been there, done that...
She took one breath, a light one, before narrowing her eyes and levelling her eyes with mine. Even if it meant she had to look up. "I'm only going to tell you this once, Derek," Casey stated frostily, ice dripping from every word. Her stare was cold. I rolled my eyes, but gestured for her to speak anyways. Casey wasn't amused. Clearly. "We both had temporary lapses in sanity last night. That's why what happened last night should never, ever be repeated. That being said, it obviously can never happen again. Never again, especially since it never should have happened in the first place. I don't know what you're thinking here... But you and me... There's nothing there, despite what you may "feel", assuming you have feelings. There's no love there. No like there... No chemistry there. Not even any trust there. In fact, I've despised you since Day One, Derek. Now that we've got all that established..." Casey rattled off coolly. Her words were sub-zero. No, no... Absolute zero. Yeah, the absence of motion zero. I told you, frozen.
That hurt a little. Or maybe a lot. I'm not one of those guys who likes to talk about his feelings. Never have been, never will be. But if it did, hurt that is, I'm not gonna show it like some pansy-ass freak like Sam. Heaven forbid I ever become Sam. If I try to become Sam, please, I'm begging you... Shoot me. Leave me with some dignity. I'd rather die a man.
Because, DAMN IT, I am not Sam. I will not be little Sammy. I'm not blonde. I'm not googly-eyed. I don't wear some lame-ass hat all the time. I am not a wuss. I am not a feminist. I am not the surrendering type. I am not some vapid vacillating vapor of a man! I am not stupid. I am not dense.
I see the world with eyes wide open. I might not get straight As, but hey, I'm in an Honors English class, aren't I (how that happened, no one knows. Registration snafu, I think...)? Hey, if Casey's in it... I am not a buffoon. Nor am I a clown. And I don't need to hide behind someone else. I am a leader, a trendsetter. I am not a follower. I'm stubborn.
So, naturally, I was too stubborn to let it go. Casey doesn't know what she's talking about. And I'm gonna prove it to her.
"Yeah, except all of this didn't start last night, Casey. And sure, you might not love me, you might not like me... Hell, you might even hate me! That's cool, whatever... But you can't deny that we have chemistry. And that will continue to exist regardless of what you say and what you do. Not even you can control how you feel, Case," I retorted confidently, completely assured that I was right. And I was, of course. How could I not be? How close we're standing right now proves it.
Casey groaned in frustration, clenching her fists, like she really wanted to scream. I don't blame her. I'm being a bit of an ass. I'll be the first to admit that. But I'm not the one who's wrong here. That's all her. Period.
And deep down, she knows I'm right.
I fixed her with an even look, sizing her up. Naturally, there was this incredulousity plastered all over her pretty face. How naïve is she? Seriously? I mean, can one person really be that stupid about things like this? Really? Especially someone as smart as Casey?
That's a stretch, even for me.
I leaned in still closer, knowing how much it unnerved her. "You know I'm right, Case," I whispered, leaning in a little further, skimming my hand up the side of her cheek softly. I had her right where I wanted her. Or so I thought, but Casey always throws me for a loop. For a second, she looked dazed, almost caught up in the moment. Her eyes closed, her breathing sped up, that sort of thing...
Then her eyes opened a moment later, and she slapped me so hard I saw stars. And, since I was hungover beyond belief, I was already seeing them. "That kiss meant nothing to me! So stop pressing it," Casey snapped furiously. Her eyes flashed.
That one stung. And not like a bee sting, either. That really... hurt. I don't like this. I don't like these feelings. I don't like having feelings. It totally messes with my head. But I couldn't let her see how much she'd affected me by saying that. I had to say something! But what? "Those kisses, you mean..." I retorted half-heartedly. Casey didn't notice the difference.
She only huffed and stalked off, muttering under her breath. Another wave of nausea hit me, but this time, it wasn't because I was hungover. I slid down the wall, facing the toilet. The air in the bathroom was still humid, and I could almost smell her shampoo in the air. Scratch that. I can smell her shampoo in the air. Fruity floral stuff. Okay, now I really am going to be sick.
With that thought, I remembered that I had yet to wash out my mouth. Ew. No wonder Casey didn't let me kiss her. I groaned, grabbing the towel bar and using it to pull myself into a standing position. My arm muscles ached, but I let go and trudged over to the sink. Methodically, I rinsed out my mouth with water, spat, gargled mouthwash, and spat that out too. Then I turned on the faucet, cleaning the sink. I followed this by hastily rinsing my face.
I picked up a towel off the floor and used it to dry my face, but I didn't look any better than I did before. My skin still maintained that unnatural pallor, which just so happened to make the black circles under my eyes more pronounced. My eyes were feverish, but darker than usual... droopy. My hair was even more of a tangled mess, which was a mixture of textures. Flat and lifeless like I felt. Stiff and hard from the hair gel, yet arranged perfectly. Just like I was, looking great and begging silently for something Casey didn't want to offer. Tousled and warped from sleep. Crazy like I was. My lip, which was split open and swollen from the consequences of yesterday. Then my eyes fell to my neck, noticing the soft purple bruising there in the shape of handprints. I looked the part of a madman, and I was one, obviously.
I mean, jeez... I'm in love with my freakin' stepsister! Do you not think I'm messed up in the head?
Anyways, I still looked like crap. I'm surprised Casey didn't notice anything was off. But then again, she doesn't notice much of anything, now does she?
Do I sound bitter? Yes? Well, then... Good, because I am. I'm bitter and frustrated and LOSING MY MIND. But, you know, other than that, I'm really doing quite well. I haven't got laid in a while, though. That has to be fixed, obviously.
Casey and Sam are perfect for each other. Simply perfection. The two dumbasses are made for each other and I'm a fool for trying to change all that... love. God, does Sam even know how she feels? Bah. Well, if he knew what his "girlfriend who loves him completely without question" (assuming, of course, that he knows how she "feels" about him) has done with... me! His best friend, of all people! He'd be shocked and not in a good way at all.
And you know what, I hope he finds out. What can I say? I'm begging for a halfway-decent excuse to kick his sorry, pathetic ass. I don't care what. The first chance I get, I'm going for it. Period. And that, of course, is why I've been throwing myself into hockey this year. And throwing myself at the other players. I'm a bit aggressive. Of course, Sammy never knows what's hit him. I knock the wind out of him, slam him into the glass, throw him into the partitions, aim the puck at his head. He's the goalie too... Most of the time. He just things I'm being my normal competitive self. Well, what the hell does he know?
At least Sammy's innocent. I'll give him that. In my book, that's no compliment, but it does reassure me. At least I don't have to worry about or even think about him nailing her every night. I'm just tormented enough by the fact that her room's across the hall... So close. She's always so close. And I can't do one damn thing about it. Not that that stops me from trying.
Why are those two sickeningly sweet lovebirds so achingly heart-breakingly perfect for each other? You really wanna know? Simple, they're both completely utter morons. Grades really aren't everything. Why're they stupid? Damn, that's one painfully long list, lemme tell you. But I'll tell you why anyways. You can't shut me up. I've got a comment for anything. I'm ready for anything. Well, almost anything.
Casey and Sam are both incredibly lacking in the powers of perception we normal humans are known to possess. They are single-handedly the most oblivious people I have ever met. Considering how many bimbos and dopes I've encountered in my days, that's really saying a lot. And they're so naïve too. Well, Sam moreso than Casey. I don't even bother telling him about my sexual escapades anymore. You say mènage á trois, and he thinks you're talking about a company with three managers. Oh, and guess what he thinks a blow job is? The simpleton thinks it's when a girl goes in for a manicure, and the manicurist blows on her nails to make them dry faster. Seriously, how dense can one person be? As I said, he's a total dipstick, naïve as they come.
Casey's different, but that's to be expected. She is of above-average (though I wouldn't call Sam quite average, especially as some of the higher-functioning kids in the Special Ed class surpass him) intelligence, which is far more than I can say for or about Sam. And mind you, he's my best friend. Boy, did he ever luck out there. There's only one thing I want... No, demand, in exchange for my valuable friendship, helpful insight, and compassionate looking out for him. And that's his girlfriend. Not that I'll ask that of him right now at this crucial stage in my life. I'll just steal his girlfriend right out from under his nose.
Poor Sammy will never know what hit him. Wow, I almost feel bad. No, wait, that was just this nasty hangover again. Because it all means nothing if Casey doesn't actually break down and admit that she wants me. Sam is a half-wit. He can't keep her entertained that long. Their relationship is so safe, so mindnumbingly puppy-love I want to vomit. Preferably not now and all over Sam's ugly face. You say I've got a lot of venom in me towards my "so-called" best friend. Well, here's the truth. We're only best friends because Sam lives a block away. He's the only guy my age in two blocks. There, got it?
Don't get me wrong, I'll treat him like a best friend for the most part. Except when it comes to girls. Or just Casey. Because I know he doesn't feel the way I do. If he did, he would've fought me on going out with her. He would've done anything in his power to make her his. Oh, wait, the little feminist actually believes that women cannot be possessed. But he didn't do any of that. That would've required him growing a pair of balls, which he is surely lacking. He's just another pretty-boy pansy-ass dimwit without the stones, or for that matter, the guts to ever be anything more than a malleable spineless jellyfish always yielding to the stronger wills and wants of others who have that which he sorely lacks.
Get the picture? Well, good. 'Cause the damn frame's broken! And I dislike that sort of incompetence even more than I dislike Sam.
Anyways, as I was saying about Casey... I don't think it's as much ignorance as it is denial. She knows what's going on. She chooses not to see it and just oh-so conveniently ignore things that are blatantly obvious. She just doesn't want to admit it, of course. Not that I blame her. For the longest time, I was in denial too. But I always knew there was something there. I just didn't want to admit that there were any stupid feelings behind it. I really wish there weren't, but there's no way of denying it anymore. I'm in love with Casey McDonald. Ugh. The girl's last name is a fast food chain and a farmer and her first name just screams Baseball Player. Nothing good's come of these feelings anyways, which is why I'm so averse to love in the first place. Because it's pointless.
And don't give me that crap about bliss and happiness and soulmates and heaven forbid, monogamy. 'Cause that's even bigger crap. I'm not happy. No bliss here. Casey isn't either. Soulmates don't exist. They're some delusion of an idiotic romantic nancy-boy poet like Percy Blysshe Shelley with lame ideals of everlasting love stuck in his head. God, and I still remember that name! Because of her, I actually learned something in school! I actually did work! Hey, at least he was getting action! Oh, and monogamy. Don't get me started on it. I mean, really, don't.
My dad's turned me off that for good. It's crap because all men cheat, and sometimes women do too, and trust me when I say I know that from experience. Fear of commitment, my ass. More like every girl I've ever met gets on my nerves... fast. Most don't last a month. Just long enough to screw 'em and bail, which is just enough time for me.
I think I've made what I want fairly obvious. So Casey has no reason to act surprised or disbelieving. I can't even think of a single way to make myself clearer. Unless I growled "I want you" and then mauled her, or lost any semblance of a mind and any intelligence I've ever possessed and told her "I love you". I'd have to be high, stoned, drunk off my ass, tripping out, asleep, or on muscle relaxants to do anything that imbecilic, moronic, idiotic, ridiculous, senseless, irrational, foolish, doltish, dopey, nitwitted, asinine, boneheaded, brainless, obtuse, thick, witless, anserine, unwise, buffonistic, dumb, and just plain stupid! I'm no two-year-old, okay?
Prissy Prude Princess Casey doesn't like to think about me because I make her think. Because I'm a hell of a challenge, but then again, so is anyone compared to her loser-wuss boyfriend. Even that easy little friend of hers, Emily. She's not used to someone like that. That's why I fight so hard. I don't BS her, for the most part. What you see is what you get. I'm not as complicated as I like to make it seem. She's not used to someone like me screwing up her prim and proper little perfect world. She's not used to someone like me, period. And, no, I am not going to make things easy for her! She's made my life hellish and damn hard in her own way... And I despise complication.
So it's easy for her to cut me out, single me out, write me off, and just mark me as a villain in black and white. And she likes it easy and organized. I do my part to insure that it's neither. That gives me sufficient joy. I like to mix it up in shades of gray and confuse the hell out of her. And she's almost always confused, so it's not that hard. Which is good, because I really like minimal effort.
I'm still in love with her, though. I realized that when she kissed me. I tried to write the feelings off as lust, but I knew they were more. And I couldn't keep saying otherwise. They didn't go away, either, no, not at all, like I'd hoped. I'd hoped to get it all out of my system. I realized it right after she said "I love you", when I smiled and didn't pull away. When I kissed her back with an equal passion and felt a thrill jolt through me. So I was man enough to admit it, and that's why I kissed her again on the couch.
And, you know what? It was both a trick and a treat. Sweet while it lasted, but fleeting. She had been deceived, thought I was Sam. And it hurt me so bad afterwards to try and part. My lips ached and pleaded, bleeding, for hers. I'd invested something in it... a heart I never knew I had. It still hurts right now, but not just a sting or some queasiness or a dull throbbing in my temples. A full-on sharp pain that consumes me. And now I sound like a suicidal sap. Great, just peachy.
So on that one Saturday morning, I realized I was in love with Casey... And Casey realized she was in love with Sam. Yeah, ouch, I know it hurts. But I've never been the kind of guy to dwell on pain or live in self-pity for more than two seconds... Maybe it's A.D.D. I try and make myself feel better, period. I don't give up, enough said.
In my case, getting better means drinks and sex. Right now, my hangover's killing me, so maybe I'll just go for sleep... Not that I'm not leaning towards Option Number Two. I like that one... a lot. Just because I'm in love, something I swore I'd never do (Love is for the weak!), doesn't mean I've changed.
And it doesn't mean I'm any less determined to get the girl. One way... or another.
- Loren ;
Review please! Derek was supposed to bite his lip so hard it split open ('cause I've been biting my lip all night, as I always do) again, but I forgot and am now, at six, too tired to write that in... So here you are... Hope you enjoyed it.