Chapter 51:

Shame and Frustration

Damn, there never was a hole in the floor to hide in when you needed it most, thought Severus bitterly. This was probably the most humiliating situation he had ever had the misfortune to find himself in, including writhing on the floor in front of Malfoy with a leash around his neck.

At this thought, he instantly felt a knot forming in his stomach. No, it was not as bad as that. Nothing possibly was as bad as the fact that he had lost that fight. Absolutely nothing. He knew that there was not a thing in the world that could make up for this loss of self-respect. Did it really matter that he was not with Voldemort any longer? He was already dead. Ever since he had been brought here, his entire life was oscillating between pain, fear, anger and utter despair. Even his desperate attacks on Sirius were pitiful and pathetic, without any real vigour behind them.

He tore his gaze away from Black and suppressed his boundless rage. It would not help him anyway. Nothing would. They could do with him whatever they wanted to without him being able to stop them.

"Sirius, get some warm water, soap and a couple of towels," he could hear Lupin say from above him before the werewolf bent down. "Severus? I'm helping you undress now, and then I'm going to remove the dirty bandages, okay?"

The knot in his stomach only grew tighter at Lupin's words. The werewolf's pity was even worse than Black's taunting. Pity was the very least thing he needed right now. Or ever. He was close to yelling at Lupin to leave him alone, however, the helplessness of his situation was suffocating every attempt at shouting before he could do as much as open his mouth.

Being undressed by Remus made his face grow hot with shame. He closed his eyes and retreated into the farthest corner of his consciousness in an attempt to block out everything around him as the wet night-shirt was pulled over his head.

Unpleasantly cool air hit his burning and, at the same time, freezing chest. Severus could hear Lupin gasp in surprise, but did not open his eyes. "Sirius, please come over here for a minute and look at that," the werewolf called unusually sternly.

Steps were approaching. "Looks like a sunburn to me."

"That's not funny, Padfoot. Not at all. This was caused by the hot soup, and you know it."

Normally, Severus would have enjoyed the accusing tone Lupin had used when addressing his friend, but at the moment he only tried to retreat farther into himself. He managed fairly well, and the oncoming weariness that seemed to reside deep inside his very bones, helped him sink into a trancelike semi-sleep that muffled the voices of his enemies to unintelligible murmurs until suddenly something wet and warm touched his face.

BLOOD!

His eyes shot open, wide with panic.

"Calm down, Severus. I only want to wash you."

Breathing rapidly, Severus tried to calm his frantically beating heart. He wasn't with Malfoy anymore. It was water that had touched him, not blood. Only water. Just Lupin, not Malfoy.

Remus put a hand on his shoulder in a reassuring gesture. "It'll be all right, Severus. You simply need some time. Perhaps you should try to stay awake, okay?"

Severus shook off the hand with an abrupt movement. What did the bloody werewolf think he was doing? He did not know a thing. Time would not change what they had done to him. It would not take away the shame nor the feeling of helpless despair.

"Shut up and do your job, werewolf," he snarled hoarsely.

A hurt expression crossed Lupin's face, but the Gryffindor suppressed it again almost instantly. Instead, he gave a curt nod and let the wet flannel drop into a bowl with water that was placed on the floor beside him.

The werewolf straightened and walked over to the sink at the other end of the room where Sirius was standing, hands buried in his pockets, eyes fixed on Snape, and scrutinizing the man with raised eyebrows. Severus answered Black's gaze by curling up his lips maliciously.

The tap was used and then Lupin came back holding out a half-filled glass of water to Severus. The liquid magically drew his gaze without him being able to hinder it. His already dry mouth felt even more parched and he swallowed painfully. He was terribly thirsty but admitting it would only give Black another victory. Therefore, he stubbornly decided to not let his craving show and refuse the water, but when Remus wordlessly lifted the glass to his lips, his body deceived him and his traitorous mouth opened on its own accord.

After the first drops of cool, delicious water had wetted his lips, he swallowed greedily. Only when the glass was empty, Lupin put it back down on the floor. Severus tilted back his head and sighed with relief while closing his eyes. The small amount of water had not nearly quenched his thirst, but the agonizing desire for something to drink had somewhat abated and his mouth did not feel as if he had eaten handfuls of sand anymore. Thus much had the overwhelming thirst become a constant torture that he almost felt like heaven now. At the same time, he felt like hell because he had, once again, lost another internal battle.

When somebody, probably Lupin, lifted his arm and began to remove the bandages, he kept his eyes shut and tried to not concentrate too much on what was going on around him. Lupin talked to him from time to time to keep him from falling asleep while working with the bandages, cleaning Severus with a wash-cloth, drying him with a soft towel and, finally, putting on new bandages under Sirius' directions.

Severus answered Lupin's questions only with the occasional curt nod, shake of his head or curling of his lips, if at all, and stubbornly refused to open his eyes to not let the humiliating situation he was in close in on him.

The drugs Black had mentioned had already lost most of their effect some time ago, and again, every muscle in his body, especially his hands, legs, back and shoulders were burning and throbbing like hell.

"Severus?"

He did not visibly react to Lupin's voice and further immersed himself in the illusion that his entire situation was nothing but a bad dream if only he believed in it hard enough.

"Severus, please look at me."

Bloody werewolf. What did he want now again?

"Open your eyes, Snape!"

Severus eyes shot open immediately without him thinking about it. With his curt, bellowed orders, Black always managed to trigger the automatic response Lucius had burned into his brain, making Severus sub consciousnessbetray his cognisant will again and again.

Severus hated Malfoy for it and despised Black from the depth of his very being for having so much control over him even if Black himself might not be aware of it.

Severus gaze fell on Lupin's nervous looking face in front of him. "Severus... I'm done so far, and Sirius will be fetching you a new night-shirt in a minute. I just wanted to ask ..." he cleared his throat as if not knowing how to explain something rather unpleasant to him. " I just wondered if you need to use the loo before we take you upstairs again."

Severus' jaw dropped and he felt the blood rushing into his cheeks. He was painfully aware of the pressure that had built up in his bladder, however, he had refused to consider this little detail and successfully suppressed the sensation so far. He was determined to just continue doing so until Poppy would come back. Her helping him with such private affairs he could accept, she was a professional after all and thus fell into a totally different category from everybody else. But Lupin and Black...

"No," he finally gritted out through clenched teeth. "I just want to get rid of you as quickly as possible."

The expression on Remus' face displayed a combination of pity and frustration. "Your kidneys won't react well to the additional strain. You shouldn't ..."

"I'LL WAIT!" shouted Severus angrily. "Fuck my bloody kidneys. Just take me upstairs already!"

Sirius and Lupin stared at him open-mouthed, visibly shocked by the uncharacteristically vulgar choice of words. He did not care. If only they did as he had told them.

"Sirius, please go get a night-gown," said Lupin finally in a defeated tone of voice.

Sirius stopped staring at the injured wizard and nodded with a frown.

"You'll have to wait another few minutes while Sirius changes the sheets and mops up the mess on the floor," Remus explained.

Severus did not bother to answer.

When Black returned a minute later, he carried a folded night-gown and a syringe. He let Remus deal with threading the IV, which had been hung up on a protruding screw beside the flush, through the right sleeve of the night-shirt, and then helping Severus into the piece of clothing. The Slytherin did not exactly help with the task but, at least, he did not make it more difficult for Lupin than necessary.

After Severus was dressed, Black came closer, unscrewed the needle from the syringe, and grabbed for Severus' elbow with the IV.

"Don't move, Snape," he growled, undid the tube from the piece that vanished under the bandage into Severus' skin, and injected the contents of the syringe into the IV. Then, he removed the syringe again and reconnected the tube.

A pleasantly warm feeling spread inside Severus' arm and up his right shoulder, dimming the throbbing pain.

"What did you give him?" inquired Lupin suspiciously.

"Pain-killer. It'll make you a bit dizzy, Snape. But if you are careful, you'll be able to manage on your own now. Remus and I'll wait outside."

Severus stared at the Animagus in surprise, as did Lupin.

"Are you totally nutters now, Sirius?" his friend asked incredulously. "He can't even stand up to open that lid on his own. He could fall and hurt himself!"

Severus had no idea what Black's motivations were, probably it was only because he neither wanted to help his old enemy with the task nor risk him wetting the bed, something Severus would never let happen anyway, however, why question his motives when, for once in his life, he benefited from it?

"Why don't you go already? I'll call you when you may come back," he snarled.

Lupin glanced at him doubtfully, but Black grabbed the werewolf by his robes and dragged him towards the door. "Come, Moony. Let's get out of here."

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Taken by surprise, Remus let himself be manoeuvred out of the bathroom, regaining his wits only when Black closed the door behind them.

"You are totally crazy, Padfoot! To leave Snape alone like this is highly negligent, you know that. In his condition, he'll never manage without help."

"Sure he will. He's a stubborn bastard. He'll see to that he won't fall."

"Sirius!" Remus admonished sharply. He really had enough of their petty games now. Severus would never recover that way.

Sirius only smiled at his friend's reprimands. "Just think about it, Moony. Snape will never let us help him with these kinds of things, and I can't honestly blame him. The git's ego is, at least, as big as his nose, so why not use his stubbornness for something constructive, for once? Or do you prefer risking further damage to his kidneys because of it? We'd only have more problems, then. I really don't want any repetition of what happened after I gave him that potion, if I can help it."

Remus had to admit that his friend had a point here. Severus' pride would never allow for them to help him sit on the loo, or even watch to make sure he was okay. Further damage to his kidneys was probably the worse scenario compared to the possibility of him falling.

"All right, but if he hasn't called within the next five minutes yet, I'll go check on him."

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Luckily, they found a totally exhausted and trembling, but otherwise intact Snape sitting on the lid of the toilet when they re-entered the bathroom. Sirius went upstairs to change the sheets, Remus following ten minutes later, carrying Snape in his arms. This time, the Potions master had not even tried to put up a fight. Using the loo on his own had drained him so thoroughly, he was already half asleep when Remus lowered him onto the bed with Black's help. He re-arranged the pillows to take the pressure from the injured body parts according to the Animagus' directions, much impressed by how well Poppy had instructed his friend.

When they were done, Severus was fast asleep.

Remus and Sirius returned to the kitchen where the two mugs with the now cold tea were still waiting on the table. Remus dropped down into his chair while Sirius wordlessly took the mugs and refilled them with the steaming liquid.

In silence, they sat opposite each other for a while, deeply steeped in thought.

"What the hell were you thinking, Sirius?" asked Remus, finally breaking the silence.

Sirius looked at his friend indifferently. "What do you mean? Didn't I explain the thing with the bathroom already?"

"I'm not referring to that. You left Severus alone with the food although you knew pretty well that he wouldn't be able to manage without your help."

Sirius only shrugged. "He threw me out," he justified himself off-handed.

"And since when do you let Snape throw you out? You really should have helped him. Anyway, why was he soaked like this? He could hardly have managed to lift the plate." Remus leant forward gazing at his friend intently. "Am I right in assuming that you emptied the plate with soup on him?"

Remus did not know what made him more angry, the fact that Sirius actually would do something so mean without a second thought, or that he had looked away and done nothing to prevent such dirty tricks too many times in the past already. He had feared he would lose his only friends, then, but past was past, and he was not an insecure child anymore. True friendship could handle differences as well as the truth, and nobody needed to put up an act.

Sirius did not meet his gaze. He was biting his lips, something that made him look exceedingly guilty. "No, I didn't. I let him hold the plate when he insisted he didn't need my help."

"WHAT? Have you totally lost your mind now? You saw Snape's skin. And that he burned himself isn't even the worst. He was starved for weeks on end. The IV is helping his body get the necessary nutrients, sure, but he'll never recover if he doesn't start eating and rebuilding his strength. I thought, you of all people would be familiar with how it feels like to be both hungry and thirsty, Sirius."

"Have you noticed how strange Snape is acting?" inquired Sirius, changing the subject abruptly.

"What?"

"I mean, stranger than usual," Sirius said with a grin.

"What on earth are you talking about?" Remus asked incredulously.

Sirius shrugged. "Don't know myself, yet. He's just...different."

"Severus was tortured, Sirius. And now he is totally dependent on us, or especially on you, his childhood enemy. It's only natural that he would have difficulties dealing with the situation. And it won't get better until he is able to do more things on his own again. Moreover, he was injured badly and cursed and it's quite possible that there will be permanent damage to his body. At the moment, Snape is in a very compromising position." Remus lowered his voice to somewhat tune out the tone of accusation. "He has never been able to handle his anger particularly well, and now it's even worse. Try to keep that in mind, Sirius. Snape is probably not the most pleasant of people, and I know you don't like him at all, however, he has done a lot for our side and risked his life, plus he saved Harry's life in the boy's first year, as you know. Please, try at least not to further harm the man."

Sirius growled something unintelligible in response.

"That also includes that you should not attack him verbally, Sirius."

"I only tried to get back at him for the insults he keeps throwing at me," protested the Animagus.

"You taunted him without him provoking you."

"I did not taunt him."

"And what else was this supposed to be? In the bathroom?"

"A test," Sirius answered simply.

"A test? Sirius, please stop those games of yours. It wasn't okay back in school and now it is even less acceptable. Your gesture with the loo was bloody careless, however, you managed to show some empathy for once. I beg you, please at least try. It's not as if it were forever. As soon as Severus is feeling better and we have found a counter-curse, or the Aurors have left, we will gladly take over from you."

"I still have the feeling he's totally lost it, though," muttered Sirius.

Remus smiled benevolently. He knew his words had finally made an impression on his friend, if only a partial one. At least, Severus would no longer run the risk of getting worse because of Sirius Black.

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