Chapter 53:

Sirius' Secret Worries

'Nonono. Malfoy cannot be right. Please, no. Not Albus. He cares for me.'

Don't worry, Severus. We'll find something where you can still be of use to the Order.

No, I don't want to be someone who is merely useful to the cause.'

Again, you have failed, Severus. Whoever wants to be friends with someone like you without any ulterior motive? With a bitter, greasy, ugly looser like you?

'Why have I given in? Why have I allowed them to break me? Why does everybody always triumph over me? They all can do with me whatever they want.'

... Sirius having cut your hair.

'Nobody cares for a looser.'

Snivellus.

'It's so cold here ...'

You'll be able to do magic again.

'I know that you count on my help, Albus. I will help you. I owe it to you Even if I am no more but useful to you, you still gave me a second chance. I'll do everything to help you. Malfoy and Voldemort must die. That's all I have. All I have left to try to chase the beast away that has taken root in the very depths of my soul, winding its invisible tentacles around it, trying to draw it further and further into the darkness. Incessantly. Relentlessly ...

Contrary to what he expected, Albus found Sirius waiting at the foot of the staircase, pacing up and down worriedly, his arms crossed behind his back. When he heard the headmaster descend the stairs, the Animagus immediately stopped his pacing and looked up at the old wizard, quirking one eyebrow.

"Well?"

Albus smiled at him amusedly. "Although I don't know exactly how, Severus' magic will, most likely, come back all by itself after a while. Voldemort probably only wanted to scare him, and us as well, or he believed that with the prospect of having to live without magic, Severus would not recover."

Sirius frowned thoughtfully. "Is that so?"

Albus stepped down beside the Animagus and laid a hand on Sirius' shoulder before steering the younger man towards the living-room. "We had better discuss this over a cup of tea and together with the others," Albus said, grinning happily like a child that had just been locked up in the candy shop.

Shortly after, the six of them were sitting in Remus' small living room, the three students on the small sofa, the others in some faded armchairs. Albus was sipping pleasurably at a cup of tea he had conjured out of mid-air while Sirius thoroughly ignored the steaming liquid sitting on the table in front of him, looking morosely at his folded hands that were resting on his knees.

"So, he finally did remember?" he asked.

"At least he could tell which curse it was and which wasn't. That he did not want to recall what happened is only too understandable. How glad I am that his magic will come back eventually!"

"And why would Voldemort let him go after cursing him with a curse that doesn't make any sense at all because its effects will fade away again anyway?" Minerva asked sceptically.

Albus nodded pensively. "It doesn't seem to make sense, does it? However, the more I ponder over it, the more sense it does make. In his vision, Harry saw that Voldemort wanted to break Severus. Only, Severus is not a man you can easily break. He's much too callous and hardened and has lived through too much already. I had to get hold of some very rare old books to find the curses in question, and robbing a wizard of his magic is very difficult. Perhaps Voldemort knew only this one curse. Since he wanted to break Snape but obviously failed, this was his last and most cruel weapon, and he could be relatively certain that the curse was unknown to Severus. Moreover, as the boy was not supposed to survive the torture, it was of no importance that the curse would lose its effects eventually." Dumbledore smiled wryly. "Probably, Tom was frustrated because he did not reach his goal, and, unfortunately, a frustrated Voldemort is a dangerously vicious Voldemort."

"But he told us where to find the Professor," Hermione voiced her doubts.

"He surely did not expect Severus to survive. He wanted us to try everything to save him only to have him give up and die on us in spite of all our efforts. Sirius, Harry, you saw what condition Professor Snape was in when you found him. Most people tend to underestimate Severus, his perseverance and resilience, but there is more to the boy than meets the eye."

Sirius murmured something unintelligible under his breath.

"Pardon, what did you say?" the headmaster asked him politely.

The Animagus glared at Albus grumpily. "I, for my part, couldn't care less whether or not Snape's magic will come back. And I can't imagine he is particularly interested, either."

Albus sighed at Sirius' defiant tone of voice. "Of course he is! Severus is a proud man, and the knowledge that he still has his magic and that we might even be able to heal his hands will, no doubt, help him immensely to cope with his traumatic experiences."

Sirius gave a grunt that strongly reminded Albus of his Animagus form. "Just how blind are you, Albus? Snape is finished. I have no idea what they did to him and how they did it, but he is totally ... shit, I don't know what he is myself, but he just is."

"Sirius, would you please be somewhat more precise?"

The Animagus jumped from his seat and resumed pacing up and down the room, the eyes of all the people present focused on him. "Damn, I just don't know! But I have the feeling that Snape has fallen into a severe depression."

At those last words, Sirius' voice acquired a slightly amazed quality as if he himself was surprised by what he was saying and he abruptly came to a halt.

No wonder, thought Albus. Severus Snape and depression in one and the same sentence was absolutely contradictable. Ron, too, seemed to be of that opinion since he barely managed to cover up a barking laugh as a coughing fit.

Hermione slapped him at the back of his head in indignation. "Ronald Weasley, that's not funny!"

Albus noticed that the expression of anger in both Harry's and Hermione's faces had given way to something that almost resembled worry, mixed with guilt. He sighed softly and looked at the Animagus.

"Sirius," Albus drawled the name thoughtfully. "Severus has had more than enough reason in his life to succumb to depression, but he's just not the type. He's much too proud and a true Slytherin. When he is hurt, he might withdraw into himself for a short while to lick his wounds, but he will always try to find a way to retaliate. Slytherins fight back. You should know that by now."

There was a hint of regret and accusation in Albus' voice. "You and James were often anything but nice to him, and I also failed to support him enough back at school. However, this made him strong in his peculiar way. Severus experienced terrible things during the last two weeks, but apart from his hands, which we will, with some luck and time, be able to heal, and his magic, which now will return too, he has faced worse already. As far as I have heard from him, your mother was a loving parent in comparison to Severus' father. As a child, Severus was constantly rejected from the very people who were supposed to love him. Before he came to Hogwarts, he had barely any upbringing that would merit the name. What happened at school you know yourself, and then the only way out for him turned out to be his greatest mistake. Nevertheless, none of this ever got him down. He always pulled himself together and scrambled to his feet again. He will do so this time, too. I will do everything to help him, however, I fear he won't accept any more help than absolutely necessary, even from me."

"No, Albus, I know you are wrong this time," Sirius insisted. Albus wondered whether the Gryffindor realised at all how much alike he and Severus actually were in their stubbornness. Regardless, there was a clear difference between the two.

"You must not make the mistake to judge Severus with Gryffindor measures, my boy. He's a Slytherin through and through."

"This doesn't have anything to do with it!"

"Oh yes it has. Listen, Sirius. You take care of Severus' physical condition and leave his mental state to somebody who doesn't have such a difficult past with him. Severus is a very emotional and proud man, and he will need some time, but he has always come out of any difficult situation with his head held high. And so he will this time, believe me."

At those words, Sirius' frustration turned into anger because Albus did not take his observations seriously enough. He was so convinced he was right about Snape. Yet, Albus knew the Slytherin much better and, what was even more important, the headmaster did not feel such intense disdain and loathing for the man as did he. Sirius had no idea what horrors the other wizard had gone through in his life already, and neither had he enough respect for him to admit that he might be able to deal with his traumatic experiences.

"Albus, you intended to explain our plan to the children, didn't you?" McGonagall steered the discussion away from Snape. Albus was silently grateful to her. He did not have the energy to fight with Sirius at the moment. The lad was almost as stubborn as Severus when he was convinced he was right about something. McGonagall understood better. She knew Severus and his history almost as fully as he did.

He nodded and directed his attention at the three teenagers. "What do you know about the Order of the Phoenix?" he asked.

Tearing his eyes away from his still frustrated godfather, Harry cleared his throat. "Isn't it something of a resistance group against Voldemort? You mentioned it on several occasions, Professor."

Again, Albus nodded. "The Order was founded during Voldemort's first reign. Since the measures of the Ministry were rather ... inefficient even then, a handful of idealistic men and women got together to fight him in a more organised way."

"Professor McGonagall, Professor Lupin and Sirius were among those fighters, right?" asked Hermione.

"Yes, and they are still today. As are Ron's parents."

Ron, who was just taking another sip from his cup of tea, gasped, swallowing the wrong way, and sputtered his tea all over the table, earning himself a reproving glare from McGonagall. "M-my parents?" he squeaked in disbelief when he had somewhat recovered from the initial surprise.

Albus could not suppress a smile. "Of course. They always were a great help."

Ron's eyes dilated when picturing his good-natured and, in his eyes, mostly unspectacular parents as 'fighters'. "My mom, too?"

The headmaster chuckled softly. "Don't tell me you never saw your mother when really angry?"

"O-of course I did," stuttered the redhead. "But then she threatens with the dish wash or weeding the garden, in the worst case scenario. But fight? With real Death Eaters?"

Harry was laughing softly by now and Albus joined in as the image of an irate Molly Weasley popped up in his head, waving a towel and threatening Voldemort with the dish wash.

"Mr. Weasley. Show some respect. Your mother is a highly respected member of the Order of the Phoenix, and contrary to what you might believe, she is a very gifted witch and a loyal fighter for the light," McGonagall reprimanded her student.

Ron collected himself again, but he still had difficulty to take the Transfigurations teacher's words too seriously. And Albus preferred it like this. The boy saw his mother as a loving, kind, and generous soul, and if he was not confronted with the stubborn and fiery witch his mother had been in her youth, only the better.

"Harry's parents were members, too, and, unfortunately, they were not our only losses back then."

This made Harry sober up instantly, and he looked at Dumbledore with so much expectation in his eyes as he only did when hoping to gain some new pieces of information on his late parents.

"We have a couple of new members, too. Severus Snape is one of them. Unfortunately, we are far from strong enough to risk an open war with Voldemort, therefore we are forced to resort to a more secretive strategy." He paused and looked at the teenagers gravely. "In order for you to understand, I have to go back in time quite a bit. As I already told Harry, it all began with a visitor from the future. To be more exact, it was Dobby who showed up in my office one day, looking terribly upset and frightened. He told us that we absolutely had to take some precautions to prevent certain things from happening that would inevitably lead to disaster. Especially for Harry."

As expected, Harry gasped in surprise and immediately opened his mouth wanting to say something, but Albus stopped him by raising his hand. "Let me finish my tale first, Harry." Sirius moved closer to his godson and laid a soothing hand on his shoulder as he had already done in Albus' office when the headmaster had told him parts of what had happened. Dumbledore nodded thankfully towards the Animagus who seemed to have calmed down somewhat in the meantime. Harry would need his comforting presence.

"According to Dobby, many things went wrong during the year that separated his time and ours. The trouble began with a member of the Ministry unleashing Dementors on Harry, which we, as we now knew both time and place, could have prevented. Moreover, this person would have come to Hogwarts as a professor, setting events into motion that would have played into Voldemort's hands. However, what would have been worst, the Dark Lord had started to manipulate Harry's mind into what ultimately resulted in somebody's death. This death, in turn, caused the Harry of the future to fall deep into depression. Dobby was extremely concerned and wanted to help Harry, and therefore he brought us the poison."

The three teenagers were staring at him wide-eyed, and Harry had paled slightly. "Who died?" he asked in a whisper.

Albus did not answer, but gazed meaningfully at Sirius. Instantly, Harry turned around with a jerk and looked up at his godfather anxiously. "You ...?"

Sirius nodded slowly and gravely, and Albus noticed a shudder running through the boy's body while he was clenching his fists. How ironic that, in the end, they had not been able to save Harry from what Dobby had wanted to spare him from. Because he, Albus Dumbledore, had not entrusted him with the truth. "It seems, dear boy," he said hesitantly, "that some mistakes cannot be avoided. Some people claim that it is impossible to change the past. That what happened cannot be reversed. Perhaps we changed a few details, perhaps we created new possibilities, but the truth is that, though we could avert a few things like Sirius' death, the involvement of the Ministry, and Voldemort's intrusion on your mind, some basic mistakes happened all the same. As far as I know, many things turned out differently. However, like in the alternate time warp, and as if the universe wanted to spite us, some fundamental things, which we wanted to change at all cost, unfortunately repeated themselves."

"Things? What things?" asked Ron, thoroughly confused by the headmaster's words.

"Dobby told me that, in the alternate time warp, the strong, but erroneous believe to do the right thing led to the final disaster. As it also did now. I did not trust Harry enough; I wanted to protect him too much and both times this led to something terrible. Luckily, this time we are able to correct the mistakes. The poison did not work, but since the Order wasn't informed anyway we devised another plan. Originally, it was Fred and George who sparked the idea with one of their latest inventions. The Order started to wiretap all known Death Eater homes and meeting places with magic combined with Muggle technology. And thus we learned of more meeting places. The members of the Order are constantly on the alert now, and those who are Aurors told some trustworthy colleagues to be ready, too. We have gathered quite an impressing number of fighters. Nevertheless, we will only attack when able to get at Voldemort when he is relatively on his own. Strike when less resistance is to be expected. Therefore, we can only wait patiently until one of the Death Eaters unintentionally gives us a tip."

For a moment, silence reigned as the information sank in. "And that's your plan?" Ron asked finally.

Dumbledore nodded.

"What if we won't catch him alone, or the tip never comes?" Hermione inquired.

"Then there will be no difference to just sit and wait for Voldemort to act. No advantage, but no harm done, either."

"And how did you manage to keep Voldemort from manipulating Harry's mind, Professor?" Hermione asked again.

"That was not easy, no. Originally, we intended to teach him how to occlude his mind from external penetration, but Dobby told us that we tried exactly this in the alternate time warp, but it didn't work. He couldn't tell why, though. However, I found a very ancient spell, which, combined with the lingering protection from his mother, partly fulfilled the job. Not completely as Harry's visions proved, but enough to not make Voldemort aware of the possibility."

Albus decided to wait some more before telling Harry about the prophecy. Of course, he had promised himself to not keep anything from the boy anymore, but it was not necessary to tell him everything at once. He was convinced that the prophecy would fulfil itself anyway, whether or not Harry knew about it, and there was no way the boy could prepare for it. No, he would not hide it from Harry, but for the moment it was not important that he knew. Let him first digest what he had learned so far.

T.B.C.

Sorry for the long wait. Persephone Lupin send me the translated chapter an eternity ago but I was very busy, renovating my kitchen and taking over a German Severus Snape page.

BTW. I created a SnapeAngst Community. If anyone wants to join, please feel free to ask me and I'll send out an invitation from the community.