Updated as of 14-07-2014

Chapter two:

In Memoriam

Don't think you're gonna change what's inside of me
Make me who you want me to be
Won't be someone I'm not
Somebody else, someone else
Love me with all my imperfections
Not for an image of your design
Love me for what you see inside

- Ashley Tisdale

"She can't stay here Jackie, she has to get her own place"

"What are you talking about Pete! She's our daughter"

"No Jackie, this is my baby"

Jackie let out a whistling sigh.

"But Pete, she's my baby too"

"But she's… old… old enough to have her own place"

Rose turned away from the door. Eavesdropping did not become her. She'd always thought that once this Pete had gotten to know her, the daughter he never had, he'd come to love her, cherish her as he did her brother. He'd put himself in danger to save her – for a debt.

She had known since the first time she'd been forced back here - known the minute he had pushed her off of him as she'd tried to bury her face into his shoulder. Her mother had held her while she cried, cried for the Doctor the first time – she'd told her Pete was just uncomfortable with the idea of a child so soon – that she'd be happy here – she'd have a good life. But he had done it for a debt. A debt to her Doctor – for saving his world.

She eventually got over the fact that she would never have her father – but Pete did 'mellow' out some; especially after her mother had gotten pregnant. At that point, though, it was as if he was trying to prove that he would be a good father to the newborn – but he would never really love her.

However, she had to be fair. The man was not all bad, she routinely told herself; he just did not want to see her as his daughter – just some friend or friend of his wife. Her mother had married him after a doctor – not her Doctor – had pronounced her pregnant but they had still made time to bring her to her Doctor when he had called to her in her dreams.

She ran her fingers through her dirty hair – she'd been overworking at Torchwood lately. After the Doctor had returned her to "her time" – how could it be her time when she was not even born here – with his clone, she'd been working non-stop making sure that this world was not about to blow up – parallel universes, a girl had to check.

She did not blame Pete for wanting time alone with his wife – they all seemed to believe she would be happy and soon married herself to 'her' Doctor – the other doctor. That she would move in with him. They believed it would be beneficial as he lived closer to Torchwood than she did. It would be easier on everyone.

But it had been a bad idea.

At first, it felt like she was with her Doctor – they shared past stories and laughed about their crazy adventures and had eventually began growing a Tardis – The Doctor and Doctor Dona had given them a small shard and the red haired woman had explained to the new doctor how to accelerate and take care of the shard properly.

The Tardis was slow to grow, but Rose had not expected it to grow at all… Of course, once it got to a substantial size, they would have to start building a console, but the Other Doctor had told her it would be "Easy breasy, lemon squeezy" – he had done it numerous times before. Nevertheless, some part of her knew that the new Doctor was slightly more mad than her's - that the Tardis built its own console – she had seen it change before. The Tardis was a sentient creature. But, she reasoned, perhaps since it was a newborn, it would need the extra help to develop that ability.

She'd moved into his apartment before her step-father could evict her.

"I need my own space".

She did not want to be a bother.

Her mother had cried and told her she could stay at home as long as she wanted – but Pete's eyes had told her it was time to go – and go she did.

The other doctor had smiled proudly at her – and she'd blushed under his waggling brows.

"Thought you'd never come save me from my boredom! It's so boring here. Is life always this long? Now on Gallifrey, one could-"

That day, she had only listened with one ear as she explored his apartment – they did not usually spend time here, usually he would come to her. He had made a few changed since the last time she had been over though; the walls, every wall, was painted a deep, bright Tardis Blue.

She worried her lower lip with her teeth. Something felt different – wrong. She ran her fingers across his tables, counters and peeked into his room – everything was clean. Not just clean, but polished – supremely clean. The apartment itself looked posh – blue should have made the rooms look smaller but the man had impeccable taste; he had a modern kitchen painted pure white, thick white drapes held back with gold, silk ropes, and the hard wood floors gleamed under her feet. The plush carpets in the living room were soft and a sterile hospital white.

"Wow Doctor, seems like someone's been doin' some work around here"

He stood smiling, hands in his pockets – he loved it when she bit her tongue just a bit.

"Rose Tyler" He grinned "my roommate – took your sweet time, but here we are! Doctor and Rose in the tar-" he stopped for a second, his smile dropping and frowning slightly.

"Well, it isn't the Tardis, but – here, let me show you to your room"

"Don't need too" she winked, "I know where I'll be sleeping"

His eyes widened as she walked towards his room, giving him a sultry look as she passed the threshold.

"You really have been bored"

His room, like the rest of his apartment, was clean – usually his bed would be left undone; he was not used to having to do any of this himself of course. Spoiled Time Lord, she sniggered, the Tardis had done all the work for him – it would do him some good to learn about real life now that he was human.

But, that's what he was now. Human. Prey to human diseases. Prey to his own devices. His own mind.

Three months later, he'd woken up screaming. Clutching his head, tears rolling down his face. She'd been a little bit cranky at having been kicked and then awoken by a scream – but she'd let go of the pain and had taken him into her arms. He cried all night. Telling her stories about Gallifrey – how he'd had no choice – the children, all the children that died – it had been his fault.

"I want to forget it" He'd cried, "I didn't make those choices! It wasn't me!"

She had held him all night – that was all she could do – whispering to him that she was there for him and that she would listen and hold him and love him; that it would go away.

But, it did not.

The dreams became worst, the screaming and sleepless nights more frequent. They both walked around the office with dark faces and hollow eyes. He had started closing himself off from her, not really interacting with her outside of taking care of the budding Tardis crystal hidden in Torchwood, and when they shared the bed at night.

And then one day, it all changed.

He woke up with a smile on his face. No screaming, no thrashing in his sleep like she had become accustomed to; no yelling or arguing, just nothing. She'd grinned, kissing him good morning before legging it to the kitchen for a nice cuppa.

"Doctor, I'm making tea, want some?"

He had grinned at her, buttoning up his shirt and winking at her – he'd caught her watching again. She blushed and turned away, trying not to rip his shirt off his body as he wrapped his arms around her from behind and whispered, "Of course".

He knew how it affected her, when he spoke to her like that, but he did it anyways – teasing her.

They'd tried to do it once – be intimate, but having spent years not doing it the doctor had been unable. He had been embarrassed and angry with himself and had never tried again. She had seen the conflicted look in his eyes as she had led him to his bed that first day – the day she moved in – she had wanted to get the next part of the relationship over with – rushing herself. She had wanted to be happy. Wanted them happy.

But that was not to be.

He started to forget.

It started small; she'd bought jelly babies as a joke – something he had told her about one of his previous lives, and he had stared blankly at her as she'd asked; "Do you wana jelly baby?". That day she thought that perhaps, perhaps it had not been jelly babies, maybe she had gotten it wrong…

It became obvious that something in his had changed. He stopped sharing stories. He started gazing at the blue walls, just staring at them and then one day, she had come home and they were green.

"I like green, green's a nice color, everyone should like green" he'd told her when she had asked – she didn't question his answer as he chewed a pear.

And then, one day, he came home with a straight face. His eyes were neutral and his hands were so far down his pants that he appeared limbless.

"Welcome home, Doctor" She'd told him as she always did, a smile on her face as she looked over her documents.

"Hey Rose"

She turned to him, setting down the treaties. His voice was strange.

"Everything alright?"

He grimaced and came to stand in front of her, grabbing and holding her hand in his larger ones. The heat of his palm made them sticky and wet.

"Benjamin"

"What?"

"Benjamin." He affirmed, voice slightly hoarse.

"I don't know any Benjamin". Her voice was slow, as she eyed him nervously.

"No, me!" he stressed, pointing at himself, mouth open. "From now on, I can't- I don't want to be called The Doctor – call me Benjamin".

"Not John Smith?" It was the only thing she had been able to come up with. The moisture of their entwined hands began to be uncomfortably warm.

"Rose, please" he stressed, "Benjamin, I've never met a bad Bennie, well.. Actually, I don't remember meeting any Bens. But- that's beside the point.."

From that day on, everyone called him Benjamin. Overnight, he became a completely different person; no more button ups, or long coats, or tailored trousers – he started wearing cotton shirts, v-necks and jeans. Lots of jeans. His tussled hair, the hair she'd watch him fuss about in another life, he shaved so close to his scalp she could count the tiny freckles.

She stayed with him anyways – even with his new image she could still see her doctor deep down inside of him; in the way his eyes lit up and the dazzling smile he reserved for her. She had loved him as another man, and had watched him literally become a new one. This would be no different, she persuaded herself.

One morning, the Tardis died. The blue light graying and the pieces of the core crumbling.

"You let it die!" Rose had yelled in clear frustration. She had known it would take a long time before they could sail the skies, go back in time and visit this world's past and future but she had been prepared to wait.

Benjamin, chewed on his lips and held her at arm's length as he spoke in a anxious voice.

"I'm sorry Rose! I just couldn't remember if I applied the … and then – arg, it's all a big jumble in my head Rose – I couldn't – I can't"

"Couldn't what!"

"I CAN'T REMEMBER ROSE"

"Doc-"

"NO! Stop it Rose- just – I'm Benjamin – I'm not him! I can never be him Rose! And I'm starting to forget! Forget who I was – what I did – what I liked – what I was like!" He stared her deeply in the eyes.

"I'm not, and cannot be the man you loved. The one that traveled the stars and visited new worlds – that will never be me."

She had cried all night after their confrontation – the Tardis was gone, the doctor was gone, and she felt so alone again. Ben was working the overnight shift and all she could do was lie on the bed, looking at the ceiling – thinking, remembering her Doctor; the way he smiled, the adventures, the way he smelled – she missed his scent. Benjamin had never smelt exactly the same – he'd smelt… more human. Not that smelling human was a bad thing.. he just, did not smell like himself.

They had tried staying together – trying to be a normal human couple. They'd go out for a cuppa, visit museums and city attractions, celebrated Christmas and New years together. He'd even given her a pair of blue-gemmed ear-rings for her birthday – in memoriam he'd said with a thin smile.

They'd broken up soon after.

"I'm sorry Rose" he'd cried as he held her in his arm, "I am so sorry".

She'd felt her heart break slightly. Her limp body against his. Their pounding hearts thrummed against each other as he tightened his hold on her. Their combined hearts thumping mere moments after one another, reminded her painfully of another man.

"I can't do it Rose, I can't be him" he whispered in a low, hoarse tone. She made a move to say something to contradict him, but he stopped her, "Rose, I can't be with you."

He'd done it quickly. Preferring to rip the Band-Aid off instead of trying to peel it back slowly – he'd wanted to stop the pain as quickly as possible.

He'd helped her move back in with Jackie and Pete, her mother about ready to burst; her belly protruding so far out that she wondered how the poor woman managed to move.

Pete had not been too thrilled but had not complained. Benjamin then started to ignore her. Spending more hours at work, avoiding her – she only knew he was still working because his supervisor would hand her his hours so that she could sign his checks.

She usually did not do finances – she usually just helped out in the laboratories or military, but eventually, all her hard work had paid off and she'd been promoted to assistant director when she had returned from her world the second time. She'd had more than enough money to move out – to buy herself a house if she wanted to – but she couldn't stand the idea of being alone. A home was not a house and she did not want to be alone with her thoughts.

"I want to be my own self" he'd said.

"I can never be him"

"I don't want to be him."

"I want to stay here. On earth"

She'd cried – knowing he would never be the man she had fallen in love with so many years ago when he had whisked her off her feet and taken her across the universe. She had fallen in love with the traveling, the adventures, and more importantly, with him. With all of him.

She was alone, again. In another world and this time, she had no hope of ever getting back to her Doctor.

Rose Tyler was nothing if not a fighter, but when the fight left her, she adapted. Forgetting there was even another universe.