Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, Gintama, any soaps about mental hospitals, 24, Horatio Caine's sunglasses thing, Black Lagoon ripoff, and whatever else the last two scenarios came from.

Previously on DPB.......

In a mental hospital

Rukia: What do you mean "There's no more tea"? I know you people have a warehouse full of the shit!

Shrink: I'm sorry, Mr. Kurosaki, but your girlfriend is now an addict.

….................................

Outside the Chrysler Building.

Kon: There's a bomb in the building set to explode in three minutes!

Karin: I have to get in there to save Yachiru. Evacuate the rest of the civilians. If I don't make it...beat up Isshin for me. (Runs in the skyscraper in slow motion as she puts on sunglasses)

Kon: NNNOOOOOO! Come back!

….................................

In Yoshiwara Underground

Kagura: A little bird told me you sabotaged a U-boat of ours and killed your fellow comrades, Shinpachi.

Shinpachi: Forgive me, Ma'am.

Kagura: You were like a brother to me, Shimura, but your betrayal to Hotel Tokyo is unforgivable and dishonorable. Ane-go would be pissed if I dare to let you go. Zura, bring him a Beretta 92. The one in Sarutobi's "playroom" should be perfect for this occasion.

Katsura: It's Katsura, ma'am.

….....................................

The SFPD Headquarters

Okita: Lieutenant Stupid, Dumbass, Chain-smoking, I-hope-some-god-out-there-smites-you-like-I-prayed-for-every-night-for-the-last-five-years Mayora the fag sir, there's an anonymous call from the West Oakland Area.

Hijikata: What? Officer Sakata's dead? POP THE CHAMPAGNE, EVERYONE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO RED LOBSTER, MY TREAT!

…..........................................................................

In a hotel room in Paris, five years later

Ukitake: I have to tell you something.

Kondo:...Yes, boss?

Ukitake: (whisper) Gintoki's soul is alive and is currently being escorted into- AGH! (blood flows into his white dress shirt from his chest)

Kondo:BOSS!

A rooftop a mile away

Elizabeth: SIGN [Ukitake, you have spoken enough.] (packs away its rifle and leaps away into the sunset.)

…...........................................................................................................

Onto the main story!

"I don't know if either of you noticed this, but I think my chain has become shorter and shorter in the time we've wandered around Edo. I believe this means my time is running out, based in my knowledge from reading Jump," Gintoki said as the trio sat in the park, drinking tea.

"There's a cool down time for the time machine, so we have to wait for a while. By the way, we're supposed to visit one more location of your choice before we're allowed to let you pass on so that you won't become accidentally chained while we time travel," Rukia said calmly. "So where would you like to go, Sakata-san?"

"Hmm, I suppose I can do one last thing before traveling to another dimension," Gintoki thought for a while. "Oh, right, there is one more place I can go to do something I can't do with a body."

…...................Shinsengumi Headquarters.....4:00 AM

"Hijikata-san," Okita said as he walked into his superior's room. "Hijikata-san, there's a letter for you." He handed the half-awake man an opened envelope. "I checked it for mayonnaise packets since your shrink told you to cut your addiction, or you'll turn morbidly obese."

"Shut up, Sougo, I don't even have a psychiatrist. Our benefit plan doesn't include that." Hijikata rubbed his eyes and glared blearily at the small words. "'Go to the garden'? What is this, a terrorist attack or a love letter."

"I doubt it's the latter, Hijikata-san. You've always have girls running away from you due to your habit of eating dogfood. The only woman you've ever attracted last year was that girl with the valley-girl speech pattern."

"Don't push your luck, Sougo, or I'll tell that monster of your girlfriend that you were afraid of the dark as a kid," Hijikata said angrily.

"Then I'll tell Danna's gravestone that you were afraid of the dark until you were twenty."

"Just shut up, you annoying brat. Now go back to sleep."

When Okita finally left, Hijikata slipped out with his sword and walked quietly into the garden. When he found that no one was there, he sat down on a rock and sighed.

"I knew it was a prank. I'm going to kill Sougo tomorrow for this."

"Hijikata. Hijikata. Hijikata."

The said man froze in sudden fear. "Sougo, what joke are you playing this time?"

"This is Gin-san, you moron. Now shut up, I have two things to tell you."

"Sakata? You're alive?"

"Technically, and yes, this is Gin-san. Tell everyone that I'm not dead and that I'm in a faraway country. The doctors mixed up my body with another person's body, and for some reason, I'm currently in Germany. I have to fix up some paperwork so that I can come back to Edo. I can't say when, but I''ll be back soon."

"But we saw your head nearly split open on the road!"

"Body substitution? Anyway, tell everyone I'll be back soon. I'm speaking through telepathy, so I have to make it quick."

"Wait, what's your second message?"

"YOU WERE AFRAID OF THE DARK UNTIL YOU WERE TWENTY?! Hahahahhahahahaha."

"Shut up! I'm going back to sleep," Hijikata grumbled.

…................................................................

"So we're ready to leave now, right?" Ichigo asked Rukia as they looked on as Hijikata and invisible Gintoki talked.

"Yep," Rukia said. "Hey, Ichigo, do you think it's right for us to do this to him? I mean, we're essentially treating him like a guinea pig, aren't we?"

"He died, and now he's given a second chance to come back alive, isn't he? So I guess this is fair."

"But, Ichigo, what if he becomes a hollow due to training?" Rukia asked quietly.

"Then we'll repent for the rest of our long, painful lives, Rukia."

…........................................................................

A/N: I'm seriously sorry for not updating for half a year. I guess I'm just too busy for half the time and lazy in the other half. I'll be leaving for Hong Kong soon and stay there for a month, but I'll still try to write as much as I can. As always, anyone who reads this can hit me with as many curse words or death threats as possible. (I won't blame you.) Otherwise, please review if you want to.

P.S. The whole recap