He couldn't tell you how long he had been sitting there, staring at the door, the image of her walking out on him, replaying over and over in his mind, like a video that he couldn't pause. The only words that had escaped his now dry lips since she'd left were those three simple words, those three words that had been hiding in the back of his mind for so long.

I love you

And he did. He always had, and for the longest time, he didn't even know it. Harvey was never one to commit, he was scared, scared that history would repeat itself like it did with his mother and father. He was scared that if he let someone look after his heart, that somewhere down the line they would trample all over it, and leave it for dead. Instead he had filled the void with work and endless hook ups with nameless women, quietly convincing himself that that was all he needed. But that didn't mean that he wouldn't feel his stomach twitch in jealousy as he walked past an attractive couple in the street pushing a stroller, or whist running in the park, passing a father and son playing football. He had always secretly thought that he would make a good father that he could give a child the sort of upbringing that his father gave him, only with a little more luxury.

But conventionally you needed a mother for all of that to happen, and time was ticking by at an alarming rate. He had hit 40 last month and here he was, still as emotionally stunted and alone as he was in his early twenties. Over the years, these fleeting fantasies of his always had a faceless female, acting as the missing piece of the family puzzle, yet over recent time that blurred face had sharpened into the image of the most exquisite female he had ever seen.

Donna.

After all, she was the only woman in his life that he could tolerate for an extended length of time. Hell, she was the most important woman in his life, period. He just had a fucked up way of showing it.

A really fucked up way, he thought.

The realisation hit him seconds after she left, he had played with her heart for years, used her for his own professional and personal gain, whilst she gave up on accomplishing dreams of her own. He had been a lousy friend, and an even lousier person the moment he left her alone in bed after their first time. Times that by a million, and then that would adequately highlight how lousy he was when he propositioned her with casual sex.

He had to do something to rectify the situation, that much he knew, but what that was exactly, was any bodies guess.

He rubbed his bloodshot eyes, adjusting his Tom Ford suit as his legs carried him down the familiar hallway towards his glass sanctuary, his office. He couldn't wait to lock himself away and throw himself into cases that would test his brain beyond the capacity of 99% of the population. It was universally known that if Harvey Specter needed a distraction, work would always be his first call, scotch, would be his second.

In fact, a glass of scotch sounded like a pretty fantastic idea, he thought. After all, it was midday somewhere in the world.

His stomach flipped uneasily as he caught sight of her auburn mane, her back to him as she busily tapped away at her computer. He gulped harshly, looking around, mentally wishing that Mike would pop out of nowhere and drag him to an impromptu meeting or just anywhere to avoid walking past her. But as per usual, Mike was never there when Harvey needed him the most, damn kid.

She looked up at him as he walked past, her body tensing, her hand flying to her neck as she quickly looked back at her computer, tension thick in the air as both of them had so many things they wanted to say, but couldn't. The frown on his face was evident as she ignored him, the absence of her usually sarcastic and witty comments only making him feel worse.

She lowered her hand from her neck slowly as he entered his office, embarrassed of the large mark on her skin, a mark Harvey had left on her neck only hours before. She watched discretely out of the corner of her eye as he picked up the white envelope placed on his desk, his eyes scanning the paper, widening with each word he read. Her heart was racing in her chest at a million beats per second, scared of Harvey's inevitable reaction. She thought that perhaps she should have broken the news to him in person, but the letter was a fair compromise between that and just never showing up to the office again. But instead he slowly folded the paper and placed it in his jacket pocket, his feet slowly taking him to the window, his eyes scanning the majestic New York City skyline.

She was waiting, expecting him to lose it, to shout, throw something, just get…angry. She wanted that reaction, not…this.

Harvey looked out at the City, hiding his face from her, knowing that she would be watching him, after all, how could she not? He blinked several times, trying to bat away the blurred vision that had suddenly overcome him. She was leaving him. It had been a thought that automatically occurred to him when she walked out of his condo, but it had also been a permanent thought in the forefront of his mind since the day he met her.

She was leaving him.

His hands balled into fists as anger bubbled up inside of him, working its way up his body, causing him to become increasingly irrational. He had lost her once, when Daniel Hardman pinned that memo ordeal on her, and he could honestly say it was one of the darkest times in his adult life, a time he never wanted to revisit. He looked towards the decanter on his desk, grabbing a crystal tumbler as he poured himself a generous serving of the $12,000 scotch. Taking a large swig he looked at himself in the reflection of the window, staring at his tired, aging features, wondering when he was going to stop this self-destructive phase he'd been stuck in for years.

"You shouldn't be drinking at 9 in the morning," her voice echoed through the intercom as he felt his body tense, his eyes rolling at her tone. Her tone was soft, and concerned, but to him, it was patronising and provocative. He didn't turn around, he didn't flinch, he just finished his drink, not giving a shit that in ten minutes his first client was due to walk through his office doors. Slamming the glass down on the windowsill he fixed his tie, buttoned up his jacket, and grabbed the case file on his desk, determinedly flicking through page after page, hoping that it looked like he had his shit together, because inside, he had no fucking clue what to do next.

His meeting with the CEO of Harding investment was a blur, in fact he was almost grateful that Mike was sitting beside him busily taking notes and asking questions because god knows he wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention. He found his gaze drifting off towards the cubicle on the other side of the glass door, watching her every move, savouring every movement, fearful that it was all going to end too quickly. She was a sight he was used to, that he took for granted. The beautiful woman on the other side of the glass panel had been a permanent fixture in his working world since his time in the DA's office, she was just as responsible for all of his success as he was, if not more. She was the glue that held him together when he didn't realise he was falling apart, she was 'the fixer', nothing was impossible for Donna Paulsen.

Which in turn meant that nothing was impossible for Harvey Specter. She was his biggest asset, his lucky charm, and he knew even back then, that he couldn't afford to let her go.

New York City is without a doubt the most wonderful city in the world, so diverse, so rich in culture whilst simultaneously appearing to be so inclusive and accepting. But in a City of 8 million, Harvey had felt practically alone. He had no friends; everyone was merely an acquaintance, a client, a problem that needed to be resolved. But Donna changed all of that. Her feisty personality, with an attitude that would make anyone think twice before crossing her, intrigued Harvey and before they knew it, they were practically inseparable. She was the only one that could put him in his place, and he was the only one that would have the balls to disagree with the red head when she was clearly in the wrong (and the right). Everything about her was attractive to him; she was beautiful, smart, funny and took no crap from anyone.

He wanted her. It had been a thought circulating this brain for months after they first met, he was desperate to throw her onto his bed and have his way with her, but she had a rule. She didn't get involved with people she worked with. It was a logical rule, it avoided awkward working situations, emotions complicating professional relations, it just avoided messiness. It frustrated him, hell, it frustrated him so much be was having a daily cold shower just to wash off the frustration Donna caused, but he respected her wishes. He was a gentleman; he wasn't going to push a situation that had no room for progression.

But one day that changed. He had received a phone call from Jessica, offering him a position at Pearson Hardman, a career move that he had been so desperate to get his hands on, he wasn't much of a prosecutor. He remembers Donna's face when he broke the news to her, as far as she was concerned, he was leaving her, it would inevitably spell the end of their relationship. She didn't want to lose him, she couldn't, she had grown far too attached and as much as she didn't want to admit it, she liked having him around.

So she broke her rule. If she wasn't going to be working with him in a professional capacity anymore, then what was the harm of trying to explore the possibility of being in each other's lives romantically? She had teased at the prospect of the two of them sleeping together in the past, flippantly saying that his world would be rocked if he ever had the opportunity of spending the night with her, she wasn't wrong. He was hooked. He remembers every second vividly; the way her body moved underneath him, the sounds that escaped her lips in the midst of pure pleasure, the sight of her face as she peacefully slept beside him. It terrified him how something suddenly shifted, how sex with Donna was unlike any other previous sexual encounter he'd had. So he ran, he left her alone, naked in bed, to wake up alone. As soon as the door shut behind him, he regretted leaving her, wishing that he could just creep back in and crawl under the covers, but he couldn't. He couldn't just knock on the door and ask to come back in, she'd know, and that would open a can of worms he was far too exhausted and confused to deal with.

Fast forward a few years and they were both happily settled at Pearson Hardman, the events of that one night suppressed in both of their minds as they lived their lives as if nothing happened. The rule had been broken, but as far as they were concerned, that day was erased from history. But it never truly left them, it was at the quietest part of the morning or the darkest part of the night that one of them would let their minds wonder back to that time, a small smile forming on their lips as the wonder 'what if'.

Harvey had found himself wondering 'what if' more and more frequently as time went on, until one drunken night it came to a head, and he found himself at her door, soaked by the pouring rain, an expensive bottle of red in one hand, a can of whipped cream in the other. She had looked at him as if he were crazy, tempted to just slam the door back in his face, and remind him of his drunken act at the office the next day, but for some unknown reason she didn't, instead she invited him in. It was just how both of them remembered, their bodies working against each other's in perfect sync, just as hungry and passionate as before. Harvey stayed that night, and the night after, until they would spend most nights together, tangled up in each other's arms, spent.

Neither of them questioned the arrangement, Harvey only verbalised it once, to clarify their status, friends with benefits. He tried to hide his disappointment as that response left her lips, but he didn't argue. Perhaps she would change her mind, he thought. Little did he know, she was hoping the same. They were destined for failure, both of them too stubborn to admit their feelings first, patiently waiting for the other to crack, and eventually one did.

Donna, last night.

He excused himself wordlessly as the meeting ended, wondering the corridors as he noticed Donna wasn't at her desk. She hadn't left already had she? He hadn't even had the chance to talk to her, to tell her his side of the story.

He stopped as he watched her standing at the coffee machine, laughing and joking with some of the associates, that breath taking smile that she often wore, back on her face, even though inside, she didn't feel like smiling at all. He was getting irritated, irritated that she was ignoring him, leaving him like this, and yet she could stand there with basically strangers and have a joke, as if nothing had happened. His breathing got shallow and laboured as he tried to control himself; clenching and unclenching his fists as he watched one of the male associates embrace her. She smiled politely, giving them a small wave as they left her, Harvey deliberating whether or not he should go up to her, catch her off guard and demand to know why she was leaving the firm.

He took a deep breath as he strode towards her, his feet heavy on the ground as she looked up, her eyes widening at the sight of him.

He grabbed her hand, roughly dragging her into the supply closet as he quickly shut it behind him, only fifty per cent sure no one had seen them. She exhaled deeply as her body collided with a stack of shelves, causing her to wince in pain at the contact. She moved away from the shelves only to be stopped by Harvey.

"You don't get to do this to me" he stated firmly, pinning her against the wall, his hands flat against the wall above her head. She narrowed her eyes at the man, his warm breath fanning across her face, threatening to throw her off her game.

"Last time I checked Harvey, I could do whatever the hell I want." She tried to sound confident, she tried to deliver her words with the usual sarcastic undertones everyone had grown to love, but he heard her voice crack ever so slightly.

"No" he pushed against her further, his body flush against hers, their faces centimetres apart "You don't get to do what you did last night and run off without hearing my side of the story. You don't get to ignore me, and you don't get to hand in your goddamn letter of resignation."

She scoffed "Wow" she blinked several times, letter her eyes go wide "it really is all about you isn't it? I must have missed the memo about how the earth stopped revolving around the sun and started revolving around you." She spat, angrily. She was irritated that he had caused a scene and dragged her into this dingy closet. She was frustrated that instead of being mad at him, all she could was think about jumping him right here and now in the supply closet.

"Shut up" he exclaimed loudly, causing her to recoil, gulping harshly. She could count on one hand the number of times Harvey had angrily raised his voice at her in all of their years of knowing one another, and each time was as upsetting as the next. He let his hands slide down the wall until they were by her waist, his eyes locked with hers, searching for any sign of emotion from her, any tell tail sign that behind the façade of anger, still laid the love she had professed hours ago. He pushed himself away from the wall, pacing the small space as he tried to figure out his next move. "You don't get to leave me," he pointed at her "You cant leave me" his voice softened, his shoulders falling as a frown formed on his perfectly formed face.

She sighed, "It's time to start a new chapter". It was something she had been toying over for years, wondering that if she just left Pearson Specter, then perhaps her feelings for the named partner would in turn disappear. She had hoped that if she were to leave, the realisation would hit her that she was merely in love with the idea of Harvey Specter, rather than being in love with the man. But she had spent the rest of last night crying on the floor of her apartment, clutching on to an old t-shirt of his she had accidentally acquired some time ago, knowing that she was in so deep, that there was no way out. The thought of life without Harvey only made her sob harder until there were no tears left, her body just jerking as the silent cries escaped her full lips. She had remembered the words that her mother had said to her the first time she cried over a boy.

I could tell you that crying over a boy is stupid, but it happens and it's going to hurt. You may cry over one, two, ten or even more boys until you find the right one. But life isn't easy, odds are, he'll make you cry too. Just make sure he's worth the tears.

To her, he was worth the tears. Despite the pain that she felt, the void in her chest, he had always been worth it. But there comes a point where hope and self-justification just isn't enough. She knew he she had to move on.

"You mean it's time to get away from me?" he asked defensively, feeling offended, rejected…hurt.

"What other option do I have Harvey? We fucked us up a long time ago, and for the longest time we've been pretending that everything was fine. It wasn't!" her eyes were glistening, emotions getting the better of her once again. "I cant…"she closed her eyes "I cant pretend anymore. I told you how I felt, how I feel, and you let me walk out the door."

"I tried to stop you!" he defended, and he did try, hell, how could she forget that?

"You'll find a new executive assistant Harvey, there must be hundreds of over qualified legal secretaries in the City who would bite their left arm off for a chance to work with you."

"But I want you."

"If there's one thing I've learnt Harvey, it's that you can't always have what you want." She placed her hands upon his chest and gently shoved him away, his hands instantly reaching out for her, wrapping themselves around her slim body, holding on to her tight.

"Donna" he whispered into her shoulder, clutching onto her for dear life "I can fix this, please let me fix this. I'll do whatever you want, you just name it, i'll do it. You want more money? I'll triple your salary. You want two weeks vacation in the Bahamas? I'll book you on the next flight out of JFK."

She laughed, shaking her head in disbelief causing him to free her from his embrace "This is the problem Harvey" she pointed out "your idea of fixing things, is throwing money at the situation. You're trying to pay me into staying, instead of addressing the reason as to why I want to leave in the first place"

"What do you want me to say?" he asked, almost pleading, desperate for her to give him the answers he needed.

"I want you to be honest with yourself. I want you to be okay with this, I want you to let me go. You need to let me move on, Harvey"

"I don't want to let you go" he said almost inaudibly, leaning against the door as he shoved his hands into his pockets. "You're important to me." He cursed himself at his choice of words, wishing he could pluck up the courage to just come out with what he really wanted to say.

"I'm important to you?"

"Yes."

"For a man that uses his words for a living, you would have thought you would be able to come out with something a little better than that, Harvey" She shrugged as she grabbed the handle of the door, opening it wordlessly as she tried to walk away.

"You have to believe me" his shoulders dropped as he quietly begged, grabbing her shoulder to stop her "Donna, don't you dare walk away from me."

She stopped and turned around, flipping her perfectly curled auburn hair over her shoulder "I'd like to Harvey, but the truth is I don't."

He took a step towards her, confusion etched on his face, he had professed his feelings for her, he had taken the plunge. "Why wont you believe me?"

"Because" she started, signalling between the two of them "this isn't you. You're Harvey goddamn Specter, you can have whatever you want in life. But the things you really want or believe in, you fight for. There's no fight here Harvey. All I see is a deflated, stuttering man in an expensive suit scared to lose the best goddamn thing that's ever happened to him, and he doesn't fully understand why."

He ran this fingers through his hair, tugging at the ends, letting the sharp pain sooth him. "Donna" He breathed "I…I care about you, Okay? I need you in my life." Care? Care? He wanted to retract those words, and say the words he was so close to telling her last night, but before he could, he was interrupted.

"Why Harvey, why do you need me in your life?" She asked, wondering if he could admit to himself and her, his true feelings. He opened and closed his mouth several times, trying to formulate a response, there were just too many things he wanted to say, and he didn't have a clue how to verbalise them.

She shook her head, stepping towards Harvey as she got up on to her tiptoes, placing a lingering kiss on his cheek, an involuntary shiver running down his spine. She gave him a sad smile "I guess there's some things that not even you can close."

I'm not quite sure why I'm posting it, I havent read it through and I'm not happy with it but I didn't want to leave you waiting ages before you had something from me. I wont be updating anything until Friday at the earliest, probably Saturday. A very special someone to me, passed away yesterday and I'm going to take a few days to sort things out, and 'get my shit together' as Harvey would say.

You know the drill, let me know your thoughts. Check out CTBOP and Maps, tell me your thoughts on those too.

There's one more part to this, so get reviewing.

Check my profile for updates. and if you wanna get up to date with my life, my insta is 'leftmyheartinsanfrancisco'

And I'll see you guys soon. x