A/n: excessive use of the 'F-word' please do not read if offended. I warned ya.

Rule #4 - Never let Jake go to the music store. EVER.

Jacob Black glanced impatiently at the rack of cds; he'd been standing there for over twenty minutes. Bella had insisted that he watch some television with Nessie. He was going to get those awful songs out of his head, no matter what.

"Can I be of some assistance?" a girl's voice asked from behind him.

He turned and nodded. "Anything to get Little Einsteins out of my head?"

She cringed. "Why is it there in the first place?"

"I babysit this kid." he shook his head. "Its killing me."

She scratched her chin, looking over the display. "Here are a few that I recommend." He took the three she offered and thanked her.

When Jake arrived home, he played the first two and was not amused. They weren't working at all. He threw in the final one as a last resort, turning it up halfway. "Please." he pleaded, sinking back in the bed.

"OH SHIT!"

He jerked up. "What the-"

"I'M ON A BOAT!!!"

"I'm on a boat." He smiled to himself.

His mind had finally moved on; onto a boat.

All was quiet at the Cullen household. That is, until Jake arrived.

"Hey Bella! Bella! Bella!"

Rosalie Hale's gaze lifted from her book to glare at him. "What do you want, pup?"

"GUESS WHAT?!"

She sighed. "What?"

"I'm on a boat." he whispered, holding in a laughing fit.

"A – freakin – mazing."

"Isn't it great Blondie?!"

The rest of the Cullens came in to see what the commotion was about.

Bella spoke first. "What's wrong Jake?"

"Apparently, he's on a boat." Rose rolled her eyes, continuing to read the book.

"Pardon?" Carlisle asked, confused.

Emmett started jumping up and down. "Everybody look at me cause I'm on a boat!"

They all looked at them like they were crazy. "Please explain."

"Let us sing it to you."

Then, the room went black, and the song played.

(Lots of use of the F-word. Skip to the bottom if you do not approve.)

Aww shit, get your towels ready it's about to go down (shorty, yeah)
Everybody in the place hit the fucking deck (shorty, yeah)
But stay on your motherfucking toes
We running this, let's go

I'm on a boat (I'm on a boat)
I'm on a boat (I'm on a boat)
Everybody look at me 'cause I'm sailing on a boat (sailing on a boat)
I'm on a boat (I'm on a boat)
I'm on a boat
Take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat (boat, yeah)

I'm on a boat motherfucker take a look at me
Straight flowing on a boat on the deep blue sea
Busting five knots, wind whipping out my coat
You can't stop me motherfucker cause I'm on a boat

Take a picture, trick (trick)
I'm on a boat, bitch (bitch)
We drinking Santana champ,
Cause it's so crisp (crisp)
I got my swim trunks
And my flippie-floppies
I'm flipping burgers, you at Kinko's
Straight flipping copies

I'm riding on a dolphin, doing flips and shit
The dolphin's splashing, getting everybody all wet
But this ain't Seaworld, this is real as it gets
I'm on a boat, motherfucker, don't you ever forget

I'm on a boat and
It's going fast and
I got a nautical themed
pashmina afghan

I'm the king of the world
On a boat like Leo
If you're on the shore,
then you're sure not me-oh

Get the fuck up, this boat is REAL!!!

Fuck land, I'm on a boat, motherfucker (motherfucker)
Fuck trees, I climb buoys, motherfucker (motherfucker)
I'm on the deck with my boys, motherfucker (yeah)
This boat engine make noise, motherfucker

Hey ma, if you could see me now (see me now)
Arms spread wide on the starboard bow (starboard bow)
Gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow (moon somehow)
Like Kevin Garnett, anything is possible

Yeah, never thought I'd be on a boat
It's a big blue watery road (yeah)
Poseidon
Look at me, oh (all hands on deck)

Never thought I'd see the day
When a big boat coming my way
Believe me when I say
I fucked a mermaid

I'm on a boat
I'm on a boat
Everybody look at me 'cause I'm sailing on a boat (woaah)
I'm on a boat
I'm on a boat
Take a good hard look at the mothafuckin' boat (sha-sha-shorty, shorty, yeah)

The Cullens continued to stare at Jake, and Emmett now too. Soon, Jasper runs out of no where in his swim trunks yelling, "Hell yeah! We is on a boat!"

I would just like to add that: Jake is on a boat. Fo shizzle.

hehe. that is all. goodnight.