I do not own Twilight or any of its' characters

Love, love, love the next few chapters because I got to switch it up a bit and lapse into Edward's perspective. Hope you enjoy them, thanks for all of the support.

EPOV

Chapter 19

Withdrawal

I didn't want to leave her, but I had no choice, there was no guarantee that I could keep her safe from me during this time. The thought of it made my stomach turn, that I could actually pose a threat the person that meant the most to me. I hoped she wasn't upset with me, that she understood why it had to be this way, but deep down I knew that she did.

Thirst hadn't hit me yet, I knew that it wouldn't, not for a few more days at least. I knew it was going to be difficult, but I had no conception of what may be coming. I was still a little disturbed by Emmett's comment comparing me to a junkie, but I was even more disturbed that Jasper had told him he wasn't that far off. I had read about and seen a dozen movies about withdrawal; the sweating, the vomiting, the hallucinations, the tremors, I didn't understand how that could apply to me because I didn't eat, I couldn't sweat, and the only times my hands would shake would be when I was very angry. How could it be that bad?

I arrived in Seattle late afternoon, Carlisle waited at the airport to pick me up. He had come alone, which was surprising.

"How are you feeling?" He asked as he threw my bag into his car.

"Fine I guess."

"How is Bella?"

"She's upset, but handling it. She wouldn't sleep last night, she wanted to stay up with me all night holding her and talking with her."

"She's worried you're going to change." Carlisle said laughing softly.

"Do you really think that's what that was all about?" I asked suddenly feeling very guilty.

"I think so. She was probably trying to spend as much time with you as possible before you left. She's very worried Edward."

"I know she is, but this is for the best."

"Just because she's worried, it doesn't mean she doesn't want this as much as you do."

"I'm not so sure about that. She was very determined on becoming one of us."

"Edward, all she wants is to be with you until the end of your lives, whatever time span that may be. It doesn't matter what form it comes in." He said in a fatherly tone.

"I'd like to believe that." I said solemnly.

"Then believe it and have confidence in your decision."

He was right, I was ashamed to think that of Bella, she was happy as long as I was, I knew that. We pulled into the familiar driveway and entered the garage, I would be happy to see my family, at least for the first few days I could be at ease and enjoy their company as I always had. However as time pressed on I would probably spend more and more time in my room away from everyone, I figured I probably wasn't going to be very pleasant to be around the few days leading up to my meeting with Dr. Juno.

Esme was the first to greet me, embracing me and showering my face with kisses as any mother welcoming her son home from school would. "Hello son," she purred.

"Hello," I said picking her up and hugging her back, her laugh tinkled all over the house.

"Put me down," She ordered between laughs. I obeyed and gazed at her, she touched my face and smiled sadly, "how are you feeling Edward?"

"I feel fine."

"Good, I'm glad." She said.

"Where are the others?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

"Alice is working, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie are out, they should be back by this evening." Carlisle informed.

"Good." Having my siblings around, at least my brothers, would be a welcome distraction for me, just as long as they didn't ask me to go hunting with them. "I'm going upstairs to unpack." As I approached the staircase I thought I saw Carlisle and Esme share some kind of secret glance at one another. I wondered what that was about. I trudged down the hallway, suddenly feeling very tired and opened my bedroom door. Everything was as I had left it with the exception of one thing, now in place of my leather couch was a king sized pewter colored rod iron bed, similar to the one I had in Alaska. It was made up with a brown, turquoise, and gold comforter and about three dozen throw pillows. Now I knew what that look was about. No matter, I had grown used to having a bed in the bedroom as opposed to a couch and I actually enjoyed it now. I let my bag drop to the floor with a noisy thud, very uncharacteristic of me, making noise; I climbed into the enormous bed and crawled to the middle. I lay down on my back and shut my eyes.

I wondered what Bella was doing. I missed her already, knowing that I couldn't see her now. I was used to being apart from her, but I knew I could always see her when I wanted. But now, the fact that I wanted to see her and I couldn't, that really bothered me. I missed talking to her, well, there was no reason why I couldn't just talk to her now was there? She was in another state; I could call her if I wanted to, right? Maybe I should call her, just for a second, to let her know that I had arrived alright, it would put her mind at ease.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone and pressed one, speed dial. The phone rang once, twice, do I hear three? No, she picked up on the second ring.

"Hello?" She answered; I thought my chest would burst with joy.

"Hello Love," I said as calmly as I could muster.

"Edward!" She sounded excited to hear me, "did you get home okay?"

"That's why I'm calling."

"How was your flight?"

"Long and boring."

"I bet."

"What are you doing?" I asked, interested.

"Not much, just studying for this stupid chem final. I just can't get these periodic equations down."

"I told you I could help you with that."

"I know, but it'd be better if I figured them out on my own. Besides, I can't study with you, you're too distracting." I rolled my eyes; she hated it when I tried to teach her anything. She thought I was condescending and arrogant, I begged to differ.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Interestingly enough, I'm in my room, lying on my new bed."

"You're in town for less than a day and you're out buying furniture?" She asked dryly.

"No, it was here when I arrived. I think Esme had something to do with it. It's quite comfortable, you should come by and try it out some time." Whoops. I shouldn't have said that.

"I'm sure I'll be able to soon enough." She said seriously. Thank God one of us was being responsible here.

"Soooo…" she started, "What are you wearing?" She asked playfully. I could feel a wide grin cross my face.

"Use your imagination," I flirted back. This was a lot easier to do over the phone than in person I thought.

She started giggling, "you don't want to know what my mind's capable of coming up with."

"Try me." I needed to stop this.

She sighed on the phone, "I miss you Edward."

"I miss you too love, but I'll see you soon, you need to study." An empty feeling started coming over me as I realized our conversation was about to end, I had to lighten the moment and end this phone call on a happy note. "You know, since you don't have me around to tutor you." I teased.

"Pompous ass." She grumbled on the other end.

"Love you."

"I love you too."

I snapped my phone shut, okay, so calling her was a bad idea because now I wanted to see her even more. Her voice remained in my head, it had only been a few hours and already I was lost without her. This was sick.

I decided that I wouldn't speak to her again until I saw her on the 26th. At least I hoped I could see her on the 26th, because I had no idea how long I would be out for after the transformation. What if I was in a coma? What if it took months for me to come back to the world? I didn't want to spend all of that time in limbo without seeing her face beforehand.

Was this a mistake? Was it really that horrible being what I was? Was it really that unreasonable to consider turning Bella into one of us rather than the other way around? Yes, it was, she deserved better, and slowly, I was beginning to believe that I did too. I deserved a second chance now that Bella was in the picture. I could be a good husband, a good father, I could hold down a job and a house, I knew we could live comfortably, I could protect her and my family without supernatural powers. I could be the man that she deserved. The man that I was supposed to be, I could do it. I did deserve this, Carlisle was right; I needed to have confidence in my decision.

I should have spent the day with my family, feeling as well as I did, there would only be a few more days where I would actually be pleasant to be around. But instead, I stayed in hulled up in my room, listening to the rain and thinking. I needed to mentally prepare for the days ahead and the life that I was blatantly throwing myself into. I really hadn't had time to truly focus on what was going to happen. I was always distracted by what was happening around me, Bella's concern, Charlie, Topaz, school, flying back and forth to Forks, now was my time, to quietly organize my thoughts and concerns, and fall apart if I needed to.

Then I decided there would be plenty of time to think, and not as much time to do. I got out of bed and approached the glass window on the eastern wall of my bedroom, I opened it and leapt out into the cool evening and ran. I ran through the woods, hopping over stones, and broken trees, I dodged thick viney roots and splashed through puddles. It was exhilarating. I jumped across the river that cut through our property easily and landed in a crouch. I took a deep breath and took in the smell of the rain and leaves. It was freezing outside but it didn't bother me. I took my long sleeved shirt off, remaining in just a t-shirt and let the rain that was slowly turning to sleet pound against my skin. It felt like little electric shockwaves coursing through me. I felt alive. I took off into another run and launched myself into the welcoming branches of a spruce tree. I scaled the top of it in mere seconds, and settled onto one of the limbs and stared out into the night.

It was going to snow, I could smell it, tomorrow morning there would be a thick blanket of it coating the forest. The silence and beauty would be deafening and I would go out again and feel the tranquility of it. The air tonight was crisp and clear, every star was out and shining down. I could see a mist rising from the peaks of the mountains that lingered in the background of the inky scene. I wondered if everything would seem this beautiful to me when I was human again. I hoped it would. I stayed for just a moment more and then let myself fall down and down out of my arboreal sanctuary to the wet floor of the forest that I spent so much time in. I retrieved my shirt from wherever I had thrown it and sprinted back toward the house.

December 19th, day seven without hunting, without blood, without Bella. I kept my promise to myself and did not call her again. It would be too difficult and besides, she would be returning to Forks soon, talking to her would be a recipe for disaster now that she was so close. I could walk to Charlie's if I needed to, that was too close for the way I was beginning to physically feel.

I looked in the bathroom mirror, my irises were black and lifeless, like a doll's, dark circles were starting to form around my eyes, and my cheeks were starting to sink in slightly. I shook my head and went back to my bedroom and shut the door.

Even though I couldn't call her, I would write to Bella occasionally, and she would always write me back. I kept her up to date on the goings on around here, the latest family scandals and would ask her about her classes. But since I really didn't go anywhere these days, I was starting to run out of fresh material. So I would write her song lyrics and tell her how much I missed her. She would always find a song of her own to write the lyrics to, and I would try to teach myself how to play it on the piano in hopes that I would be able to play it for her someday. It was my way of coping with her absence while keeping her close to me.

By day nine, I was really starting to feel uncomfortable, my concentration was shot. I stopped playing the piano, because I was finding that I would get frustrated very easily. My coordination was off as well, I tried to play sports with Emmett and Jasper, but I had trouble keeping up, I fumbled every time I tried to catch something, so I gave that up too. I could tell they were becoming concerned about me. Emmett didn't even try giving me a hard time when I screwed up, he would just say something like, "sorry, that was a bad throw." I knew better and would then take to locking myself in my room.

By day eleven, a new symptom developed, in addition to my concentration being gone, my coordination being off and the irritation that constantly plagued me, my hands were starting to shake.

It was getting closer to Christmas and Alice had the brilliant idea of putting up a tree, this was a tradition we had never embraced, and this was the year she wanted to start. I think it was her feeble attempt to distract me, and I did appreciate that, but I couldn't help thinking that putting up a Christmas tree was something that a family did together and right now a very important part of my family was separated from me. I'm sure Bella would have liked to help decorate a tree.

"Edward, come on, we've got the tree up, come help us," Alice called cheerfully up the stairs. I sighed and begrudgingly headed to the living room.

Everyone was there, rifling through bags and boxes of decorations that Alice and Rosalie had purchased. It looked like we were going for a copper and gold theme with white lights. Time Square stood in the center of the living room.

"Wow, that's um, that's really something." I said rubbing the back of my neck

"Isn't it beautiful?!" Alice chirped, "I can't wait to see what it looks like all lit up. I love the holidays!"

"Are you channeling a Christmas elf or something?" Emmett asked behind a pile of garland, "Why are you making such a big deal about this? We're not even Christian."

"You don't need to be religious to celebrate peace on earth and good will to man." Alice said sticking her tongue out at him.

Rosalie rolled her eyes and made a snorting sound in her throat, "spare us Alice."

Alice pouted and Jasper put his arm around her waist and kissed her cheek, "I think it's a wonderful idea, it'll look beautiful, love."

I never realized that I had picked up my habits with Bella from Jasper of all people; it was like looking in a mirror watching him with her. My throat hurt and my chest ached, I missed her so much.

"Well come on, let's get this show on the road." I said trying to sound cheerful. "What do we do first?"

Alice seemed delighted by my fake enthusiasm and skipped over to my side and hugged me. "I think we need to start with the lights."

We strung what seemed to be thousands of white lights, followed by hundreds of feet of garland, talking and joking around. Alice even put on a Christmas CD, it seemed like her plot to distract me from my ongoing suffering was working, I was actually feeling pretty good, and then it happened. I had minimally participated in the tree decorating up until this point so that I could hide my shaking hands from the others. I felt that I had it under control to a degree, so I went to hang a glass bulb on one of the lower branches, still being cautious not to draw attention to myself. As I got closer to the branch, the hanging of the ornament required more precision, precision which I no longer had. My hand started to shake as I got closer, and then, I dropped it. The bulb hit the floor with a shattering sound and broke into a million pieces.

"Fuck." I growled in frustration. Six pairs of eyes stared at me in surprise. I rarely ever swore and I had just done so very loudly.

"What?! Why is everyone staring at me?!" I shouted defensively.

"You alright man?" Emmett asked innocently.

"I'm fan fucking tastic." There I go with the swearing again.

"Alice, get the broom," Esme ordered quietly. Alice disappeared and returned with a broom and dustpan. She dropped to the floor silently and started frantically sweeping.

"I've got this," I said immediately feeling bad about my outburst. I went over to her and started sweeping, my hands shaking so badly that I couldn't even make a pile out of the shards of sparkling glass.

"Edward, let Alice get it." Carlisle said gently.

"Yeah, I don't mind really." Alice scrambled beside me.

"I said, I've got this." I hissed at her, nearly baring my teeth. What was my problem? I felt a heavy authoritative hand press against my shoulder and I stopped what I was doing.

"Edward, you should take a break, son." I looked up and everyone was staring at me in horror. Carlisle stood over me; he wasn't going to let this go. The entire room was silent aside from the sound of 'God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen' playing lowly in the background. I glared at Carlisle and threw the dustpan and broom across the room roughly.

"Fine." I said, my voice trembling with anger as I stared him down. He stared back at me, now looking a little challenging. I brushed his hand off my shoulder and stormed upstairs. I had never spoken to or treated my father that way in my entire life. I felt like I was truly going mad. I slammed my bedroom door so hard that it cracked through the middle. I put on my stereo and cranked it up and didn't leave my room for the rest of the night.

Everything went downhill from there, as opposed to spending half the day in my room I was now spending entire days up there. I barely spoke to my family; I didn't even bother to apologize to anyone. I figured I'd probably screw up a dozen times more before I was approachable again so I might as well wait until then and then make a big apology to everyone about what a prick I had been.

Today, day twelve, I was starting to sweat, let me rephrase that, I can't sweat, I was leaking. My body had been producing venom on a consistent basis, and now because I hadn't been using it for so long, it had nowhere to go so it was seeping out of my skin. I was soaking wet half the time and freezing. I changed my t-shirt literally, about ten times a day. I had a pile of laundry on my bedroom floor. I figured it can't get any worse than this, and then the vomiting started. That totally blew my mind, a vampire could vomit. But since there was nothing in my system, but the venom, that is what I would vomit, clear, iridescent venom. I knew when it was coming on, my entire body would start to burn and the shaking would become worse. The tremendous upheaval that my insides felt was so intense that I would cry out loud in pain. I knew everyone could hear me. Tearless sobs would erupt from my chest and I prayed for it to be over.

I left all of the lights off in my room because I was also being plagued with migraine headaches that would sometimes bring on hallucinations. Horrible visions of me killing and covering myself in blood. The thirst in me was unbearable, my throat felt like I was swallowing shards of glass and sand. The venom was everywhere, on my skin, in my mouth, coating my esophagus in thick, filmy, bitter residue and I longed for a moment's peace.

It got to the point where I could no longer write to Bella because my handwriting was illegible. I tried to email her once, but had so little energy that I couldn't finish.

It was late afternoon, I had just had a hallucination that Bella was with me and I had killed her. I had torn open her neck and the blood pumping out of her jugular was like a fountain. I hallucinated that I buried my face in it and drank until she was dead. I knew it was a hallucination but started screaming anyways, the sobbing came back and I lay on my bed curled up in a ball, a weak shell of the former man I had once been.

I heard a light knock at my door and didn't bother to answer it. Jasper let himself in and turned on a very dim lamp that sat by my bed.

"Edward?" He said calmly

"What is it?" I asked not looking at him, I had my face tucked into the safety of my venom stained pillow. The sobs that rattled in my chest were slowing now, but were still very present.

"This is almost over," he encouraged softly.

"Thank you captain obvious is that why you're here?" I choked.

"I'm sorry this is so difficult for you, I want you to know that I can sympathize with you, and that I can tell you that it is very much worth it."

I looked up slowly from my pillow at him, his face was kind, serene, and his golden eyes that I had once shared with him looked at me with reverence. "What did you say?"

"I said that what you are going through, I've gone through it too, and you must know that in the end, it will all have been worth it."

"I feel like I want to die." I said miserably.

"I know you do. Just be glad that you don't feed on humans, that would be even more difficult and far worse to overcome."

"This has happened to you before?"

"Of course, when I joined your family. I had to detoxify my body from human blood. You probably didn't notice because I kept to myself. It was excruciating, but I had one advantage that unfortunately you don't have, I had Alice with me."

I tucked my head back into my pillow, great pep talk Jasper, I thought bitterly.

"You know that everyone here loves you and wants to help you Edward, but when you meet someone that makes your life whole again, no one else matters anymore. Your only support system becomes that one person. If Bella was here right now I'm sure this would be a little easier for you."

"I'm sure you're right," I whispered.

"That is why this whole ordeal is worthwhile." Jasper said seriously, "Because she will be at the end of it. Don't ever lose sight of that, don't ever lose sight of her, if you keep her in your thoughts, you'll make it through. No one I've ever met has more control and will than you do Edward. Don't give up just yet, your trial is coming to an end." He laid his hand on my leg, and calm washed over me, I felt momentary relief from the hell I had endured these last few days.

"Thank you Jasper, I'll bear that in mind." I could feel the grinding sensation in the pit of my stomach signaling that I was going to vomit again. I peered out from behind my pillow to see if Jasper was still there, to my relief, he had gone, and I quickly got up and made my way down the hall to the bathroom.