I do not own Twilight or any of its' characters

EPOV

Chapter 20

Christmas

It was Christmas day, just one more day I thought to myself, one more day and I would see Bella again, one more day and I would be on the mend. Every part of my dying body ached. I had no strength, I had no coordination, I had no focus. I tried to do what Jasper had suggested and spent all of what little energy I had left thinking of her. Of her face, what I would say to her when I woke up, what she would say to me. I thought about what our children would look like and tried to come up with names for them.

I had lost all concept of time at that point; I only knew that it was Christmas because I could hear all of the commotion downstairs as Alice tried to gather everyone around to exchange gifts. I hadn't been downstairs in days, I didn't even get to see what the tree looked like all done up.

Then, I heard a sound, I looked over at the clock that hung on the white wall and saw that it was four in the afternoon. Sixteen more hours I thought. The sound I was hearing was becoming louder, it was unmistakable, and I dreaded the thought of hearing it. It was Bella's truck; she was coming up the driveway.

With new found energy I leapt out of my sodden bed and ran to the window. My worst fear was confirmed, there she was, parking her truck and getting out. I hoped I was having another hallucination, but I knew that I wasn't. She was approaching the front door now; she had two shopping bags hooked around her arms. Was she trying to get herself killed? Couldn't this wait until tomorrow?

My train of thought was interrupted by a light knock at my door. Alice crept in, she saw me standing by the window, fury in my black eyes.

"What is she doing here Alice?" I growled.

"Don't be mad at me. I invited Bella over because we wanted her to open presents with us."

"I can't believe you would do this to me Alice." My hands were shaking and my voice was desperate.

"I'm sorry Edward." Her sparkling eyes dropped to the floor, she really was sorry. "I wasn't thinking. But don't worry, she's not here to see you, she's here to see us, I don't even think she's planning on asking for you."

I glared at her, if ever I wanted to choke my sister, it would be now.

"I'm so sorry Edward, but don't be mad at her, be mad at me, I invited her over, she really is trying to be good about this. She knows how important it is to you that she should stay away. It's my entire fault." I felt terrible, Alice actually sounded like she was afraid of me.

"What does it matter?" I sighed, defeated. I didn't have the energy or stamina to fight with Alice right now. "It's fine, don't worry about it." I sat down in the window sill.

Her eyes were soft and sad looking, "if she asks about you what should I tell her? Should I let her see you?"

Immediately my brain said no, absolutely not, but my selfish, aching heart said yes. This was a bad idea and I knew it, I could already smell her in the house, my throat burned so hot that I nearly screamed. But part of me truly believed that nothing could ever bring me to hurt my Bella.

"I'll leave that to your discretion." Alice's eyes lit up as if I had just given her some amazing gift, she turned to leave the room, "But," I said sternly, "Do Not encourage her." She nodded at me and disappeared down the hallway.

I had been in darkness all day, I turned on the dimmest light in the room, my head was in searing pain, I quickly tousled the bed sheets neatly over the mattress and smoothed the comforter. I went to my closet and grabbed a clean, non venom soaked t- shirt and threw it on. I even went to the lengths of throwing fresh gel in my hair and running my fingers through it. I didn't know why I was bothering, I was ghastly looking, all drawn and dark, it was ridiculous to think that a well kept haircut would distract from that. Okay, now if Bella decided to risk her life to catch a glimpse of her junkie boyfriend, at least I was ready, sort of.

I waited for about an hour, maybe she won't come, I hoped silently, it would be best if she didn't, but part of me knew I would be disappointed if I didn't get to see her. I was about to give up hope, when I heard her familiar footsteps padding down the hallway. I shut my eyes and listened to every foot fall in anticipation; it was the sweetest sound I had heard in two weeks.

She was almost at my door, I quickly got up and opened the door, her hand hung in the air, mid knock. I couldn't help but smile, there was my angel, standing at the threshold, wearing a white thermal hooded shirt that I had bought her a while ago.

"Bella," I said with ease.

"Hi." She said in a small voice.

"You shouldn't be here." I said, more as a disclaimer than a true warning.

"I know. I won't stay long."

"As you wish." I had to get the message across to her that she was about to enter a very dangerous situation.

As she walked toward me, I backed away paces until I had reached the window. She continued to walk toward me, and I held up a hand to stop her.

"Bella, you know I love you and I'm happy to see you but it would be better if you stayed over there." She nodded sadly, I knew she understood. She turned to close the door behind her, and I interjected again, "please, leave it open." She needs to be able to escape if things get out of hand I thought to myself, disgusted.

I held my breath, in hopes to block out the scent coming from her that seemed to be intensifying by the second; this would indeed have to be a very short visit.

"Merry Christmas," she said softly.

"Merry Christmas love," I said mustering up all my strength to keep my voice calm and gentle like she was used to and keep my hands from shaking. "I guess I ruined the holidays again this year huh?" I asked, remembering how I had left her last year.

She smiled and nodded bravely, "yup, you sure did. That's okay though, you can make it up to me next year by buying me something extravagant and unnecessary."

"Wow, you must be mad at me." I said playfully, knowing how much she hated it when I bought her things.

"Not mad, just concerned." She said genuinely, she had managed to keep a smile on her face this whole time, but now as she got a better look at me and what a mess I was, her expression was overcome with grief. My hands started to shake, I could see the alarm in her eyes and I stubbornly shoved then in my pockets.

"Oh Edward, you look awful." She said, her voice shaking a little. Hearing her say my name made my heart soar, and then ache when I saw tears standing in her beautiful brown eyes.

"I feel awful." I said smiling sadly.

"You know, you don't have to do this, I'm sure I could get Emmett to kill you a bear or something and we could go back to the way things were. I won't even harass you about the whole changing me into a vampire thing. Just please stop hurting yourself." She bargained.

How could I refuse her? I wanted so badly to run to her and lift her up and kiss her and agree to her request, I knew she would bear me no ill will if I backed out now. But I couldn't, "Bella, I've been feeling like crap for almost two weeks now, a few more hours isn't going to kill me." I lied through my teeth, trying to be brave for her.

She studied me closely, "are you, are you sweating?" She asked, confused.

"It's venom." I said hoarsely, looking down at the floor. She put a hand to her mouth, her eyes grew wide. "My body is producing an excess of it that I'm not using, so I'm sort of, leaking." I informed.

"Does this, happen a lot?" She asked

"Sometimes." I said nonchalantly. I pushed the pile of dirty t-shirts that lay on the floor under the bed with my foot. I also neglected to tell her about the vomiting, migraines, and hallucinations I was having. I'd tell her someday, but now was not the time.

This conversation needed to come to an end, I was just upsetting her more by the second and her scent was practically choking me now. I felt like I was keeping my hands in my pockets not only to slow the shaking, but to keep me from grabbing her.

As if she were reading my mind, she said, "I should probably get going."

"I'm sorry you have to see me like this," I apologized, ashamed.

"Why? You've seen me at my worst, what's the difference?" Her acceptance of me never ceased to amaze.

"I love you Bella."

"I love you too, I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" She said with a weak smile.

"Okay." She turned for the door to leave. I couldn't believe it, I had survived, in the throes of my darkest hour, where I was most dangerous to her, I managed to keep my instincts under control. She was going to be fine, I would see her tomorrow, and I suddenly started to feel slightly better.

"Oh!" She exclaimed suddenly, "I almost forgot, I got you something." She turned around, a mischievous grin came across her face, "here, Merry Christmas."

She threw a small black box in my direction. I quickly pulled my hands out of my pockets to catch it, as I had expected, I fumbled miserably, nearly dropping it. Her grin disappeared at the sight of that.

I opened the box as carefully as my hands would allow and pulled out a black leather strap with a polished circular mahogany colored stone hanging from it. On either side of the stone was a simple wooden bead or two. My mouth curled into a smile.

"It's supposed to have healing and protective powers." She informed me, "I got it at one of those natural tribal stores. I may have gotten screwed, but I thought you'd like it." her grin returned.

"I love it." I whispered staring at it in wonderment. "This is the best gift I have ever gotten. Thank you Bella."

I looked up at her, and her smile grew wider, pleased that she had picked me out something that I loved. I stared at her for a moment; she nervously slipped a piece of her long brown hair behind her ear that had about a hundred piercings in it. She was so pretty. Everything about her was perfect to me.

I knew I shouldn't touch her, so I settled for second best and went to put the necklace on. I brought the two ends of the leather strap together and went to tie a knot. Perfect timing for me to have a true junkie moment, my hands started to shake so badly that I couldn't tie it, frustration pulsed through me, I tried to remain calm. Bella watched helplessly, torment settling across her face. She fumbled with the sleeves of her shirt nervously, her foot started to twitch, I knew she wanted so badly to tie it for me, and I prayed that she would stay away.

Finally, I saw a look of determination come across her face; she had made her decision and started walking toward me.

"Bella, I wouldn't, please don't" I warned, I couldn't back up any further from her.

"Just hold your breath for a minute and think about driving your car or something." She said frustrated, she grabbed the necklace out of my hand and tucked it under my chin. I did as she told me and held my breath and tried to distract my mind. It wasn't working, her smell was crushing me, her hair slapped against my back and neck as she made the knot.

"How's that? Is that tight enough?" She asked. I said nothing, shutting my eyes tightly and nodding.

"Okay then. That wasn't so bad." She was right, it wasn't for that split second, but she was still standing too close to me. She was only inches away from the back of my neck, her size was diminutive next to me. I could easily overpower her, even if I was human, she'd be no match for me. She had finished tying the knot, and was lowering her hands back down, when out of nowhere, I felt myself grab her wrist gently.

No different than when we were at home, I placed her hand against my face and leaned against it. She was so warm, I stopped holding my breath and breathed in her scent, almost instantly the migraine pain I had been feeling for days went away; just from smelling her. I imagined what tasting her would do to ease my withdrawals. I could hear her heart beating and felt the blood in her veins pulsing through as I pressed my face against her tiny wrist. I could even hear her blood moving, it was incredible, to give in to my senses this way, especially after I had denied myself for so long.

Still maintaining all the gentleness of a summer breeze I pressed her wrist against my mouth and kissed it tenderly. I heard her sigh in contentment and heard her heart skip a beat. Bella trusted me completely.

I kissed her wrist again and this time when I did, I smelt her blood, rather than her delicate floral scent. I smelt the sweet, metallic scent of the two things I craved most, Bella and her blood. I felt my hand tighten around her wrist, again I kissed her, and my grip tightened harder, I felt her wince a little at my grasp. I was starting to hurt her now. Her heart began to beat faster, usually this meant that I was exciting her in some way, but not this time, I could tell the difference, she was frightened.

I put my mouth to her wrist once more, with no intention of kissing her this time. The horror of the circumstances would not register. I felt like it wasn't really happening, that it was a dream, I felt a low growl in my chest and my lips curl back slightly as I prepared to sink my teeth into her flesh.

"Edward, Edward." I heard her say my name, calmly, fearlessly, "Edward, stop." She knew what was about to happen and still, she remained composed and patient with me. I snapped out of it the second I heard her voice, the voice of my love, my only one. Shame washed over my entire being. I instantly dropped her unscathed, perfect wrist.

I didn't turn around to look at her or to apologize, I couldn't. I couldn't stand the thought of looking her in the eye right now. I was a monster. "I think you should go now." I whispered, my voice tight and strangled. I felt the empty sobs starting to enter my chest. She didn't say a word, I felt her footsteps around me and I could still hear the sound of her heartbeats as she cautiously headed for the door. I listened as the familiar sounds of my love grew fainter and fainter as she left me, and then she was gone.

Now in the darkness again, I felt the agonizing pain in my temples return, my stomach churned, and my hands shook more violently then before and I let the tearless sobs rip from my chest, as I crumbled into a pile on my bedroom floor.