Chapter Twelve Notes: I am so, so sorry for the delay in this chapter! I know I promised it would be up much sooner, but in the past week, I've dealt with illness, the Illinois Bar Exam, an out-of-town wedding, and moving... Also, there was this book that I just had to read, perhaps you know what I am talking about ;)

CHAPTER TWELVE: The Lodge

The only advantage of Mike knowing my birthday was that his mother, my boss, also knew. This resulted in her dismissing me from work early, at 4:30. I called Jake, and he picked me up, knowing better than to accompany his greeting with birthday wishes.

"So, are you excited?" I asked as he carried my things from the car to the house.

"I'm doing my best, Bells."

Jacob had agreed to watch Romeo & Juliet with me. It wasn't the newer version, so it lacked the action sequence he enjoyed, but, true to his word, he was giving it his best shot. At first, he asked a few questions and complemented the score, but soon, I could tell his attention was waning. After thirty minutes, I looked down to find his eyes closed and his head resting against my knee. I told myself that I had no right to be disappointed since he was likely tired from waking up early to surprise me with my birthday muffin that morning, but I couldn't help but wish he was awake to distract me during the scene at the ball where Romeo first lays eyes on Juliet.

As Juliet and Romeo kissed for the first time, prefaced by Romeo's utterance of "then have my lips the sin that they have took," my mind was only capable of a single subject. Edward's voice replaced the actor playing Romeo, and my traitor heart thumped rapidly in my chest.

What is wrong with you? I told myself I had a crush, and that, as horrible as it was, was somehow alright because a mental fixation was all it would ever be. It would never turn into anything beyond a fast pulse and inappropriate thoughts. I didn't love him; I loved Jacob, the boy who slept soundly at my side. The boy who brought me blueberry muffins and comforted me when I was homesick for my mother. The boy who held my hand when I laid unconscious in a hospital bed for two weeks. The boy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

That last thought frightened me, as I'd never spoke those words aloud to Jake. I would have dwelled on it more, but the digital clock on the DVD player told me we were due at the Lodge for my birthday dinner-slash-torture.

I turned off the television with unnecessary force and woke Jacob with a kiss. We drove to the restaurant in record time, arriving just as Charlie was helping Billy from the cruiser.

"Happy birthday, kiddo," Billy greeted me warmly.

"Thanks, Billy." I honestly didn't mind it from him; Billy and I had a great rapport.

After we were seated, Billy and Charlie chatted about the promise of good fishing weather for the upcoming weekend while Jacob patiently listened to my whining about the restaurant décor. As I rattled on about the ill-advised animal pelt collage hanging near our table, I suddenly remembered something.

"Billy," I asked in my most innocent voice, "how is Sam doing these days? Jake mentioned you'd been helping out over at the Clearwaters' place."

He took a suspiciously long swig of his iced tea before replying, "He's getting better. Poor boy's just under a lot of stress."

I knew it would take more prodding if I wanted to gain any information; Billy was like a vault. "Is he up and walking around yet?"

Billy shrugged. "He's improving."

It took a mountain of self-control to suppress the exasperated sigh that hung in my throat. "Hopefully he can make it back to school before the swim season starts up. Leah was telling me how promising things looked for this season."

Billy eyed Jacob and me, almost as if weighing the pros and cons of his next statement. "Actually, he's not going back to school. It's better that he spend more time on the reservation."

Billy's tone suggested Sam's decision to abandon his education was of little consequence, but he failed to influence the rest of us. Charlie muttered something involving the word "ridiculous" under his breath, and Jacob and I displayed expressions of baffled distress.

"How can you be so calm about this? You practically had a stroke when Rebecca turned down her scholarship!" Jake spoke with his hands, nearly knocking his Coke onto the floor.

Despite his son's outburst, Billy remained stoic. "Sam is not my child, Jacob. His situation is worlds apart from your sister's." His stone facade faltered slightly while staring at Jake, as if the emotion in his eyes alone could reshape his son's opinion.

Jacob rolled his eyes. "This is exactly like what happened with Rebecca, except Sam's got Leah instead of a Samoan surfer. I should have known she'd freak out and make him stay in La Push."

"This has nothing to do with Leah, Jacob. This is about the tribe. Sam knows his influence will really benefit the younger members. We're very blessed to have someone like him around." The sudden pride in his voice was so strong that it inexplicably disturbed me.

Without thinking, I retorted, "He's giving up his entire life. He doesn't have a future in La Push."

Billy's usually kind face hardened into something unrecognizable. "Don't spout off about matters you cannot possibly understand, Bella."

My face flushed, first out of embarrassment over Billy's rebuke and then out of anger. Both emotions ran through me, jumbling my thoughts and rendering me incapable of responding. Thankfully, I didn't have to.

"Now you wait just a minute there, Billy." Charlie's voice was defensive but was not without force. "Bella's right. Sam is giving up quite a lot; he's more than halfway to his degree. Stopping now is a mistake. His mother must be very disappointed."

I knew what Charlie was insinuating. It was Mrs. Uley's place to discuss with her son what was best for him, yet it was possible Charlie was worried that Harry, Billy, and the other tribal elders were influencing Sam. I distinctly recalled Charlie's reaction on the way home from La Push the day of Sam's reappearance. He was bitter as he'd said, "Harry informed me that it was none of my business… wouldn't even let me drive the kid back to his mother."

Billy cleared his throat, his eyes never leaving my face. "Besides, there are plenty of opportunities here, Charlie. Just ask Bella."

I wrinkled my brow in confusion. "What do you mean?"

Billy smiled at me gently. "Jacob was telling me you're looking at Peninsula College for next year."

My stomach lurched. I hadn't discussed my college plans with Charlie yet, and I was clueless as to how he'd respond to my decision to attend community college and live at home. I told myself he'd be happy or at the very least relieved; I knew he enjoyed having me around and the cost was certainly a perk. However, when I glanced over at him, his face told me I was dead wrong.

His skin had turned a menacing shade of maroon. A vein protruded from his forehead that I hadn't seen since I was eleven and I'd accidentally knocked his gun out of its holster. His eyes narrowed and appraised me as if I'd just told him I was pregnant. Not blinking, he lifted his glass of water and downed every last drop, setting it back on the table with unyielding fortitude.

"What?" His voice was even, but it was the kind of neutral tone that deranged killers in movies always used right before they went ballistic.

I waited a second before responding, practically expecting him to flip over the table and stab the nearest member of the wait staff with his steak knife. "Well, Dad, um, Peninsula is very reasonably priced, and I wouldn't have to worry about paying to live in a dorm…" My eyes followed his fist it drifted towards the napkin wrapped around his silverware. Before I could think, I blurted out, "But that's only one option. I'm also sending out an application to Dartmouth."

Without a mirror, it was impossible to tell whose expression was more incredulous, mine or Jacob's. It was true that I hadn't thrown out the Dartmouth application; it sat in the bottom of my backpack for a few days before I'd tossed it into a pile on my desk. Still, I hadn't planned on doing anything with it. The application fee alone was sixty dollars, more than half of what I made in a week at Newton Outfitters. Yet, there I was, lying to my father without a second thought.

The tension lifted from Charlie, traveled across the table, and sunk into Jake. As soon as I spoke, his fist tightened and his breaths became staggered.

Conversely, Charlie lit up with delight. "Bella, that's wonderful. I had no idea you'd set your sights so high!"

"Dad, I have a better chance of winning the lottery than getting in. And even if I did win the lottery, I still couldn't cover the tuition." Surely, once reality sunk in, he'd give up hope and grow more comfortable with me spending the next two years at Peninsula.

He shrugged off my remarks, continuing, "There are always loans, Bells. Besides, you're a bright kid, I bet you can get some scholarships."

"Where exactly is Dartmouth?" Jake spoke like a gunshot victim asking a doctor how many hours he had to live.

"Uh, out east." I wanted him to look at me so I could silently communicate that this was all just a ruse to calm Charlie, but Jacob never lifted his gaze from the checkered tablecloth in front of him.

Charlie, painfully unaware, added, "New Hampshire, isn't it, Bells?"

"Yes, thank you, Dad," I responded through gritted teeth.

The waitress arrived at that moment to take our orders. I knew the situation was dire when Jacob ordered a single chicken breast with a side salad; he usually prided himself on polishing off at least two and a half servings at every meal, mostly consisting of large quantities of red meat.

Billy, likely aware of Jacob's anguish, changed the subject. "So, Charlie, how are things going down at the station? Any leads on that meth situation up north?"

Charlie's reply was lost on me, as I couldn't think of anything beyond the haunted expression on Jacob's normally euphoric face. I needed to rectify the situation before this misunderstanding caused him anymore unnecessary pain.

I rose to my feet. "Jake, would you mind helping me to the ladies room? I don't think I should use the crutches in here, what with the tables being so close together and all."

He nodded, still not making eye contact. After we were out of the dining room, I stepped in front of him, forcing him to look at me.

"No more frowning!"

My plea had no affect on him as he scowled in reply. "New Hampshire, Bella? What happened to Peninsula? Hell, I'd learn to deal with Seattle, but New Hampshire?! Why not shoot for Europe or Japan? I mean, are you trying to run away from me?"

I felt as if he'd slapped me in the face. I should have told him then and there that this was all just subterfuge to keep Charlie's rage in check, but something about Jacob's tone rubbed me the wrong way. He was angry with me, and I wasn't entirely sure I deserved that.

"What happened to 'don't worry, Bells, we'll make it work?' You said you wanted what was best for me, and now, all of sudden, you'd 'learn to deal' with Seattle? Just the other day you told me you were fine with any choice I made." I grew more incensed as I spoke. "So, all this time, was it just an act? Like, you wanted to guilt me into staying in Forks forever? Just because you never want to leave doesn't mean that I don't."

For the first time, Jacob met my gaze with an impenetrable glare. "It's not that I never want to leave; I will if I have to. Stop looking at me like I'm putting a leash on you, Bella."

"Sure, you'll leave if you have to, but you don't want to. Why can't you be supportive? What if I don't want to stay in Washington? Maybe I don't have to go all the way to New Hampshire, but why do I have to stay in this stupid, rainy place forever? We can be together even if I'm not a ten minute drive away, you know."

His jaw locked in place for what seemed like eternity. Finally, he began pacing, speaking while he moved. "I do want what's best for you. But what about what's best for us? Huh? Does that even matter at all to you? I can't afford to jump on a plane and come visit you three thousand miles away every weekend. Can't you see how unrealistic this is? How selfish you're being?"

Selfish. The word nearly knocked the wind out of me. Was I being selfish? Part of me didn't care; I'd allowed my life to revolve around Jake for years, even before we decided that we belonged together. I was eighteen years old; how selfless was I supposed to be? Yet, I reminded myself that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Jake. We were a team. I couldn't hurt him like this. I couldn't put myself so far above our relationship that I pushed at its limits. Jacob made bold assumptions by not wanting me any farther than a four-hour drive, but he was probably right. We were an us, and I was throwing that away on a dream I wasn't even certain was mine.

I took a step toward him. Thankfully, he didn't move away. Placing a hand gingerly on his arm, I said, "Of course I care about us. When I look into the future, you're all I see, Jake." His face softened as I continued, "Anyway, this is so pointless. I don't even really plan on applying to Dartmouth. I just said that so Charlie wouldn't have an aneurism."

Relief flooded his expression, and he reached out to rumple my hair. "What? Why would you put me through that, Bells? Why didn't you just say that in the first place?"

I had no answer. I'd pulled us into an avoidable argument and had no idea why. "I'm sorry. I guess I just overreacted."

As the wheels began to turn in my head, I realized that I'd naively assumed Jake would follow me into fire if I'd asked; that he'd support any decision I'd make, regardless of how selfish. I'd always told myself I'd do the same for him. Now I understood how ridiculous I'd been. We loved each other, and that love needed both Jake and me to act in the best interest of us, even occasionally at the expense of our individual needs.

I thought I'd reconciled the self-centered monster inside of me until Jake spoke again.

"I feel so dumb that I didn't pick up on what you were doing." He rolled his eyes at himself. "I mean, I should have known you of all people would never have flown across the country to go to some fancy school."

I bit my lip out of confusion. "Huh?"

He put his arm around me as we made our way back to the table. "Oh, you know, you're just not the type to do something crazy like that." He stopped himself when he saw me wince. "No, I mean, you're brave and not like a coward or anything, but you don't gamble on things like that. When it comes to making decisions, you're responsible." He shrugged. "You're smart and sensible. I like that about you." Jacob smiled down at me reassuringly. "Plus, you're way too cool for the Ivy League."

Our food awaited us at the table. Neither Billy nor Charlie questioned our extended absence, and we ate in silence.

As I shoved pork loin into my mouth, the word "responsible" echoed in my head and made me feel uneasy. I had always been responsible. All my decisions were well thought out, and most of the time, they were made not out of my own needs but out of the needs of others. I thought back to the day I decided that my mother could no longer stay at home with me while her husband Phil traveled around the country; I'd told her she needed to be happy, that I'd be fine living with Charlie in Forks. I lied, of course, knowing that Forks was not Phoenix, but I did it for her. That was the responsible choice. Now, I was faced with another choice, but I wasn't sure which option was the responsible choice. Did I stay in Forks with Jacob, and if so, was I doing it for me or for him? Did I dare to dream that Dartmouth would want me, and if it did, was I going for me or for my father?

My blood began to boil. Was I living my life for everyone else and never for myself? Was I always playing it safe? Even Jacob seemed to think so, though he found nothing wrong with that. Edward thought so too, and it killed me to think that someone who barely knew me could size me up so accurately.

I'd been so lost in thought that I didn't notice the waiters gathering round for an unenthusiastic performance of "Happy Birthday" until seconds before they opened their mouths. The fake smile that found its way to my mouth didn't convince anyone. Jake patted my hand, whispering, "This was not my idea. I promise, it'll be over before you know it."

It wasn't, but I survived nonetheless. Eventually, the four of us made our way out of the restaurant. Jacob had to take Billy home, so we wouldn't be making the drive back to Charlie's together. We bid our farewells, and I piled into the cruiser with Charlie.

I hoped the ride would pass by in silence, and up until we pulled into the driveway, I thought I was home free. However, as the gravel made crumpling noises under the tires, Charlie swallowed. It caught me off guard, as Charlie was rarely nervous.

We pulled to a stop in front of the garage before he actually spoke. "You know, kid, I'm really proud of you." I opened my mouth to protest, but he continued, "Even if you don't get in, the fact that you tried says something about you. It says that you're not okay with settling, that you know that you deserve something better."

The guilt stewing inside me was almost unbearable. I knew he could see it all over my face. "Dad—"

He held up his hand. "I know what this is about. And you have to know, Bells, that if he loves you, he will learn how to deal with it. This is something you have to do," he turned to face me, "for you. Not for him."

"I don't know, Dad." My voice was barely audible, maybe because I did know and I knew I couldn't do it.

We sat quietly in the cruiser for a few moments, neither of us certain how to act. Charlie and I didn't have the sort of relationship where we bared our souls over cups of hot chocolate; the only time we talked about our feelings was when one of us had the flu and the other had to run out to the drugstore to fetch the necessary medicinal remedy.

Finally, Charlie put his hand on the door handle, bracing for a quick escape in case whatever he was about to say didn't go over well. "Bella, you're eighteen. You're not exactly a kid anymore, but that doesn't mean you can't ever do something that you want, something that makes you happy." With that, he opened the door and walked into the house.

I knew then what I had to do, if not for myself, then for Charlie. I'd mail out the application. If Jacob ever found out, he'd be crushed, but part of me wanted to defy him, to prove to myself that I could take risks, even if the risk was minimal. Ultimately, I wouldn't get in so I wouldn't have to make the choice; I wasn't stupid enough to think a school like Dartmouth would ever want to have anything to do with me.

I stared at myself in the rearview mirror. You know where you belong and what your limits are; it's stupid to want things that are beyond your grasp. Yet, even as I lectured my reflection, a small, dangerous part of me wanted to believe that there was something else out there for me, something maybe just a bit better than the life I'd always known.

Chapter Twelve End notes: I'm not crazy about this chapter, but I was sick of postponing it. Hope you at least tolerated it. I hope to get up Chapter 13 soon, but if things don't work out, I am out of the country next week and may not have internet, so please don't think I forgot about this story! As always, the reviews are so awesome; thank you, thank you, thank you!