Chapter Notes: I'm finally back from vacation! Thanks for all your reviews and patience for this chapter.

In case you forgot, here's a brief synopsis of where we last left off: Jake awaits Bella back at Charlie's, where Bella and Edward encounter him after Edward walks a drunken Bella home from Mike's party.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: Half Truths

A hundred emotions should have run through me at the sight of Jake on my porch. I should have felt guilty as soon as I saw the way his eyes drooped like a basset hound's. Worry should have flooded through me that his glance darted from my giddy, drunken swagger to Edward's expression of amusement in the second before we noticed we had an audience. Panic should have risen in my chest over the fact that Jake probably assumed the worst, that I was intoxicated not by the cheap beer that poured from Mike Newton's keg but, rather, by the flawlessly beautiful boy at my side. But at the exact moment my eyes fell upon Jacob, I felt none of the things I was supposed to feel. Instead, a single emotion consumed me, one that made little sense in light of the remorse I'd felt over my treatment of Jake just hours earlier. I wasn't guilty, worried, panicked, scared, or even sorry. I was annoyed.

I would never be able to justify my annoyance later, after sobriety hit me like a freight train, but as I stood on the sidewalk that bordered Charlie's yard with Edward standing next to me and Jacob now on his feet yards away, my brain told me I was purely and reasonably annoyed. I wasn't prepared to deal with Jacob and his unfailing honesty, his earnestness, the innocence that made him both ordinary and extraordinary. I wasn't ready to admit I'd been wrong; after all, the evening wasn't over, and according to my watch, I still had an hour of irresponsibility left before I'd return to the respectable, relatively unselfish lifestyle I usually tried so hard to live. Yet, here was Jake, an in-the-flesh reminder that my entire evening had been a mistake despite and possibly because of the euphoria I'd felt for the past two hours in the presence of Edward Cullen. In my drunken state, Edward and I were having a great time, and even though I knew it couldn't last, I wasn't ready for the adrenaline pulsing through my veins to go away. Now, though, it had to; Jacob Black and Edward Cullen existed in two separate and distinct universes, and I was painfully aware of which one I belonged in.

"Bella?" Jacob's words cut through the damp evening air, hitting my face along with the chilly autumn breeze. "Are you alright?" He didn't sound angry, which only fueled my inexplicable annoyance.

"Ugh. Yes, Jacob, I'm fine." I made a show of spinning around so he could see I was physically unscathed. "See? No injuries. I bet I can even hop on one foot without crumbling to pieces."

For a danger magnet like myself, doing anything that requires relinquishing the use of one leg after five beers is never a good idea. Immediately after I shifted my balance to my left foot, the earth did its all too familiar spinning routine again. Before I could collapse in a heap on the ground, Edward scooped me up with one arm, so that I was now leaning against him for support.

Keeping with the theme of the evening, my response was highly improper; a chill raised goose bumps on the arm that was pressed ever so lightly against his chest, and all I could think was Christ, he smells fantastic.

Of course, unlike me, Edward's response was very appropriate; in an instant, he handed me off to Jacob, who had now reached where Edward and I stood on the sidewalk. Immediately, I shrugged Jake off and stood on my own, very aware that I was positioned exactly halfway in between the two of them.

As much as I'd tried to avoid it, comparing them to each other as they stood in such close proximity was inevitable. Jacob was the love of my life and I typically saw him as innocent and beautiful, but now he looked like a child. Though some of his baby fat had disappeared in the past year and his height had increased, he was still so young. Edward, on the other hand, looked like one of those boyish model-slash-actors in their mid-twenties who portrayed high school students on television, free of acne, out-of-place hairs, and a single ounce of body fat. I couldn't hold this against Jake, of course, as I was certain that everyone looked like a clumsy, messy adolescent next to Edward; I put myself at the top of that list.

In words that came out jumbled and shaky, I attempted social normalcy. "Jake, Edward." I wagged my index finger back and forth at each of them. "Edward, Jake."

Neither spoke in response. Instead, they just stood there in the dark, appraising each other like two bulls in a pasture. Jacob looked nervous to me, but perhaps that was because he had to look up just slightly to meet Edward's gaze. I knew Jake well enough to know that mixed in with any nerves he may have felt, he was also suspicious, which explained why he bit the corner of his lip slightly and cocked his head to the left so that his long black hair hung down past his shoulder. Conversely, Edward studied Jacob without a trace of discomfort or animosity. In my swirled, intoxicated vision, he looked as if he was determinedly searching Jacob's face. Edward's eyes bore holes into Jacob's as if Edward was forcing himself to find something, even if whatever it was wasn't even there in the first place.

I shook my head at the situation, but no one noticed. Instead, Edward turned and began to walk back down the sidewalk. Before he disappeared from sight, he called to Jacob without turning around, "Take care of her."

Jake's head snapped to attention. In a tone too sharp for his usual gentle demeanor, he responded, "Oh, I plan on it."

This exchange made me feel like a porcelain doll and prompted me to storm off toward the house. If Jake uttered a single word to me, I'd surely explode. Now was not the time to get into an argument.

Jacob disagreed, grabbing my wrist and spinning me around so we faced each other. "Well?" he asked in an incredulous voice. "What the hell was that about?"

I rolled my eyes, which did nothing to appease him. "What was what? That?" I gestured to the darkness that had swallowed up the spot where Edward had stood just moments earlier. "He was walking me home, Jake. In case you didn't notice, I'm kind of tanked."

"He was walking you home?"

"Yeah, so?" I knew what Jacob was insinuating, and I didn't want to dignify his ludicrous assumption by acknowledging it.

"I thought you hated him."

"Ugh. He has his moments." I rubbed my temples, ignoring Jacob's furious expression and trying to mentally force the conversation into oblivion. "I've already told you, I don't hate him, Jake, but I'm not exactly in love with him either." 'Not exactly' being the key phrase. "Don't be jealous. He was doing me a favor. It was either him or Mike."

He glared at me. "Mike Newton doesn't look like that."

The ridiculousness of our spat was not lost on me, though it likely was on Jacob. "Oh, so overly attentive, unattractive guys are fine to walk me home late at night, but the gorgeous, decent ones should keep their distance?"

The use of the word "gorgeous" was a mistake. Jake poorly tried to mask his resentment. "Whatever, Bella."

"Oh, god, don't be jealous. He can't stand me. He's just nice to me sometimes because I think he thinks I'm kind of crazy and he feels sorry for me." I spoke the truth to comfort Jake but found that I caused myself anguish with my own words.

"Is he why you're drinking?"

For reasons I couldn't understand, I didn't want Jake thinking ill of Edward. "No, he kept me from falling into the Newton's pond. He's just looking at me like a charity case. He kind of saved my life. It's not a big deal; after all, I'm in danger like seventy-five percent of the time anyway."

I'd said too much. Jake studied me with a bothered expression. "I don't think you're his charity case, Bella."

He knew nothing of my interactions with Edward; any insight he thought he possessed was tainted by unnecessary jealousy. "You're wrong."

He moved to sit on the porch swing, and I followed. We swung slowly as he continued, "You know, I don't even know who you are these days. You don't tell me anything anymore, you come home late at night with pretty boys, reeking of booze… You're really freaking me out."

"If I'm freaking you out, why don't you come with me when I ask you to or support me when I want to try something different?" Already, I was spouting off on subjects I usually censored even in my own inner monologue. However, the liquid courage pumping through my body sustained me and kept me talking. "Instead, you tell me you like it when I play everything in my life safe. If we're in this together, if we are a team, then why can't you step out of your little bubble and live life with me once in awhile? I always have to sit back and not take any chances just so I can be your 'good old reliable Bella.' We're always with your friends, in your hometown. I am so tired of everything we do being so ordinary. Don't you want anything else out of life, Jake?"

Jacob sniffled. Finally, the guilt hit. I had made Jacob cry. Certainly, there was now a seat on the bus to hell reserved for me.

The tears weren't yet streaming down his face, but judging from his voice, they were inevitable. "No, Bella, I don't want anything else. All I want is you."

It was so simple. How could I not want that too? Just him and me, Jake and Bells without question until both of us were buried six feet under. After a nomadic life with my mother, filled with various father figures and frequent changes of address, I could finally have a home, a guarantee for the future.

I'd never been a teenager, not once in my entire life; always, I'd been a middle-aged woman who took care of those she loved. That was why my sudden rebellion made so little sense. I was beyond wanting a tattoo or piercing my nose. Still, I was acting out, and it was hurting Jacob. Worse yet, tonight this annoyed me; I had fallen so deeply into my own selfishness that Jacob's pain irritated me. I had to be the worst breed of girlfriend.

Jake stared at me expectantly, but I wasn't sure I could give him the response he needed. "How do you know I'm all you want? Jake, you've never even been to Oregon. There's a lot of world out there, a lot of girls out there."

I had to lean in to hear his response.

"Bella, I don't need to travel around the world or date a thousand girls to know you and I are meant to be." He swallowed and stared up at the moonlit clouds that interrupted the monotony of the navy sky. "I look at my life ten, twenty, thirty years in the future and I'm with you. Always." He suddenly turned and grabbed my face with both hands. "What do you want? How can I fix this?"

His words caught me off guard. "How can you fix this? Jake, you did nothing wrong. I'm the one who's broken."

He shook his head, but I rendered him motionless by placing a hand on each of his shoulders. Quietly, I spoke nothing but the truth, as painful as it was. "I'm applying to Dartmouth. I have to. I need to feel like my own person."

The tears fought their way out of his eyelids, but he nodded, urging me to continue.

"When we were at dinner for my birthday, you acted as if I couldn't do it; that I was afraid, or at least too loyal to ever do anything that would hurt you. But I have to know what it feels like to put something up to chance. I have to be selfish. Just this once. If you can stay with me through this, then I get all I want, I get to take the risk and keep you, which is way more than I deserve. But if you can't—" I couldn't continue. Finishing that sentence would annihilate me.

He placed a finger to my lips. "I can, Bells. I'll stick by you through anything. I can't live—no, I can't function without you."

This was the news I was waiting for, but instead of total relief, part of me felt like I was drowning. "You say that Jake, but neither of us knows anything but each other. Aren't you worried that how we feel for each other might change someday? I mean, look at my parents. They got married when they were only a little bit older than I am right now… And look what happened to them. They loved each other, but that wasn't enough."

Jacob wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "We're not them, Bella. We don't have to get married right out of high school. You can go away to college, and when you're done, then we can start our life together. That way you're not missing out on anything."

I nodded wordlessly. Jacob was willing to make it work regardless of where I went to school. It was what I needed, but I still didn't feel like I was getting what I wanted.

Quietly, I asked, "What happens after that? Where do we live? What do we do with our lives?" Suddenly, I couldn't picture anything in our future that didn't involve picket-fenced lawns in La Push. My heart began to race as if my body were running the last leg of a marathon; I was exhausted.

Jake looked mystified by my question. "I have no idea. We'll figure it out when the time comes. We don't have to plan our entire lives this second. Relax."

He was so calm. This only worried me more. Despite what he said aloud, we were setting our future in stone. He expected no obstacles. In Jacob's mind, I'm sure he saw us heading down a road without detours. I desperately wanted to be that naïve.

Amidst my confusion, I spoke only words I knew to be true. "I love you, Jake."

He hugged me close, resting his head on my shoulder. I sat up perfectly straight, unable to lean into his embrace. Something was wrong with me; I was incapable of happiness.

Jacob helped me stand. I crept into the house, praying Charlie wouldn't attempt to chat with me about my evening. He sat in his favorite recliner in the living room, snoring lightly in front of the television.

"Do you need help up the stairs?" Jacob whispered at my side.

I shook my head and mouthed, "Too risky." I kissed him on the cheek and crawled up the stairs. Once I reached the second floor, Jake waived and gingerly closed the front door behind him.

I stumbled into my bedroom and collapsed onto my bed without bothering to change into my pajamas. My head spun, but this didn't affect the thoughts running through my mind. My annoyance had completely faded away, and I came to realize that I hated myself for what I was doing to Jacob. Of course I loved him more than words could express, but I was experiencing a temporary lapse in judgment.

I knew exactly who to blame for turning me into a selfish, confused mess. Yet, I couldn't shut myself off from Edward Cullen. He was by far the most interesting person in my life. This was the reason I had to know everything about him; I had to prove to myself that he wasn't perfect, that he had the emotional depth of a teaspoon, that we had nothing in common. Once I could refute all the things that drew me to him, I could be Jacob's Bella again, the girl who knew who she was and what made her happy. However, until that day came, part of me would belong to Edward, no matter how hard I tried to fight it.

That night, I dreamt that Jacob could see right through me. In a fit of rage, the dream version of Jacob Black demanded the truth. I woke up in a cold sweat. Sleep did not return, and I began to ponder how I'd answer Jacob's questions in reality. I knew exactly what I would tell him, how I'd say Edward and I were barely friends, that we had never and will never belong in the same circles. All of it was the truth, except for the part I could never say, that some piece of me, buried deep inside, wished that my spoken truths were actually lies.