CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: Friends

The prospect of eating lunch had never terrified me more. To abate my fear, I obsessively tried to form a game plan. Spaghetti would be a complete mistake, with the red, soupy sauce and the noodles that stuck together so that you never really stopped slurping them up until your plate was empty. Likewise, salad had too many variables, too many tricky vegetables, any of which could stick to my teeth without me knowing. A sandwich was the safest bet, but with my luck, I'd choke on a tomato and simultaneously die of asphyxiation and humiliation. The scenarios kept flying through my head, and I never once questioned how Edward Cullen could turn something as mundane as having lunch in a high school cafeteria into the social event of my senior year.

By the end of fourth period, I'd convinced myself that if somehow Edward miraculously remembered his invitation for me to join him for lunch, I'd drink water and eat only a handful of saltine crackers; the less risk, the better. And that was if he remembered. Or if he hadn't changed his mind completely. I entered the cafeteria alone after hiding in the bathroom for a good five minutes in an attempt to calm my nerves.

Edward wasn't there; Alice sat alone, her back to the door as usual. I should have been prepared for his absence; whenever I hoped to see him, he always let me down. My nerves morphed into disappointment. Of course he wasn't there; he'd probably just asked me yesterday on a whim, out of sympathy, and was now regretting his snap decision. I piled two slices of pizza onto my tray, trying to cheer myself up with comfort food. I hung my head and forced myself to turn in the direction of my socially awkward prison where Mike, Jessica, Lauren, and a few others were already seated.

Before I could take another step, he saved me.

"Did you change your mind?" he asked, his voice uncertain but his expression resolute.

Edward's words hit the back of my neck, and I didn't bother playing games. "Absolutely not." He moved to my side. Ignoring the lump in my throat, I continued, "Lead the way."

I reminded myself that it was only lunch, an event bathed in florescent lighting and the scent of fried food. I avoided looking at anyone as I followed Edward to the corner of the cafeteria where Alice sat, playing with her food. Seeing the back of her head, I stopped suddenly. Even though Edward walked a few paces ahead of me, he seemed to sense my hesitation and turned to me as soon as I froze.

"Backing out, are we?" He was arrogant, like he'd almost hoped that I wouldn't go through with our lunch plans, but he wasn't fooling me. I saw distress flicker on his face seconds before he spoke. Maybe he was just as sick of high school as I was; maybe that's why we got along so well, why occasionally he wanted me around.

In a rushed whisper, I asked, "Does your sister know I'm sitting at your table today?" In all my panicking, I somehow failed to figure Alice into the equation. Now, mere feet from her, a new wave of anxiety tensed the muscles in my neck. I couldn't picture the frosty girl from my Spanish class suddenly welcoming me with open arms.

"Relax, she knows."

My nerves got the best of me, and I made an actual gulping noise aloud, the kind cartoon characters make when they realize they've run off of a cliff and have no ground left beneath their feet. There is no way this is going to go smoothly, I thought as I set my tray down across the table from Edward. Alice sat to my right. Without turning my head, I could feel her studying me.

I opened my mouth to say something to her, to acknowledge that I didn't belong here with her or her brother, but before anything came out, she beamed at me. "Hi, Bella. It's nice to meet you." Good-naturedly, she rolled her eyes at herself. "Well, you know, officially meet you, since we don't really talk much in Spanish."

My mouth was still open, now so much so that my jaw was beginning to ache. I might have said "hi" in response, but I couldn't be certain of anything since I was pretty sure I was living in an episode of The Twilight Zone. Eventually, I came to my senses enough to glance at Edward, who was watching his sister very closely. I had no clue what was going on.

I refused to look behind me, but I could feel several sets of eyes on me. Jessica was probably having an aneurism. Neither Alice nor Edward made a sound. I was the outsider, so I didn't bother breaking the ice, not that I had the vaguest idea how.

Escaping from Edward's stare, Alice smiled warmly at me. "So, Bella, are you planning on going to the dance next weekend?"

Even though this was exactly the same topic that had driven me to the brink of insanity the day before, I was so enamored with the fact that Alice Cullen was speaking to me like she and I were on the same level that I didn't care. "No." I recognized the disgust in my own voice. "I don't dance. At all. Ever."

Edward's lips twisted into a smile. "That's probably smart, given how you can barely walk without fatal injury." He bit his lip; something told me he hadn't planned on saying that.

Edward blurting out something involuntarily, which was usually my downfall, made me laugh. "Don't worry, I'm not offended," I said to him. "It's completely true."

He smiled again but stopped when he caught his sister staring at him. I felt compelled to rescue him from whatever had him squirming under the weight of her gaze. "So, Alice," even saying her name made feel insecure, "are you going?"

She shook her head. "My family isn't really into school-sanctioned activities. Are we, Edward?"

"Not really," he agreed dryly.

"I hear you on that one," I mumbled. I picked at my pizza, too tense to actually take a bite. When I looked at Edward's and Alice's trays, I noticed they hadn't eaten anything either.

"Oh!" Alice's exclamation made me jump. "Edward, I need your car keys." He appraised her skeptically. "I just thought of something that's going on later in gym, and I really don't want to stick around for it. I think I need to skip out early today."

Edward's face suddenly changed from skepticism to understanding. He dropped the keys into her waiting hand. To my surprise, she rose immediately from her seat.

"It was really nice meeting you, Bella. I'm sorry, but I have to go; if I leave now, I can hit the sidewalk sales in Port Angeles before the good stuff is gone." She winked. "Maybe we can get to know each other better tomorrow." Then, Alice darted out of the cafeteria before I could even bat an eyelash at her bizarre behavior.

When I returned my attention to Edward, I was a bit surprised to see him smiling sheepishly at me. When he didn't say anything, I filled the silence. "Your sister reminds me of you."

This caught him off guard. "How so?"

"You're both ridiculously mysterious. What was that about, anyway?"

He groaned. "Alice just…does that sometimes."

"Meaning…?"

"She's very impulsive. Also, she meddles where she shouldn't." Quickly, he added, "Part of the reason she left so abruptly was because she thought you were uncomfortable."

"That's silly. She didn't make me uncomfortable." The entire situation with Edward and anyone connected with him practically gave me a heart attack, but Alice herself wasn't really the problem. "I actually thought she was pretty nice. I wasn't expecting that."

He raised his eyebrows. "You thought she'd be cruel to you?"

I took a deep breath and made a decision. "I thought she'd treat me like you used to."

Edward folded his hands on the table, then changed his mind and ran one through his hair. To his credit, he didn't hide behind false ignorance. "I had my reasons for being cold to you. It was necessary…I don't know, perhaps that's still the best way."

"'The best way?' What are you talking about?"

He refused to make eye contact. "I told you before that I'm not the kind of person you should be spending time with."

"Edward, stop." I put up a hand in front of his face to keep him from going off on a dangerous tangent. I needed to be as honest as possible with him if I was ever going to convince him that I wasn't chasing after him like some love-struck teenager. "I just want to be friends with you. I think you're by far the most interesting person in this godforsaken place. If you make me go back over there," I jerked my head in the direction of my usual lunch table, "my brain is going to rot away until there is nothing left. Jessica's play-by-play of each episode of Laguna Beach alone makes my IQ drop ten points. So, compared to that, I prefer talking to you. Is that so wrong? Stop avoiding me, stop worrying. I'm not—" I forced myself to choke it out. "I don't like you like that." I was blushing, but I hoped this didn't detract from my impromptu speech.

For an eternity, Edward nodded his head slowly, not speaking, not showing a single ounce of emotion. Finally, his lips drew into a tight line, and he spoke in a controlled voice. "I knew that already." He took a bite of the apple on his tray, practically tearing the core in half with his teeth. It was the first thing he'd eaten since we'd sat down. I should have been relieved that my admitting I had no romantic feelings for him finally gave him back his appetite, but I wasn't. Instead, I just felt numb.

The numbness frightened me. I knew that if I didn't stick to my plan of befriending Edward, the nothingness would consume me. I would never get over the superficial crush I had on him, and it would ruin me. Worse yet, it would ruin Jacob. I wasn't capable of being my old self until I fixed whatever it was that turned me into someone I barely recognized. I had to resolve this, or else the emptiness would swallow me whole. Before I knew what was happening, I heard myself say, "Please don't freak out, Edward. Please don't walk away. I just—I think we could be friends." Blindly, I continued, "You're the only person in this school I feel like I can talk to."

Too far, Bella. You've crossed the line.

"I know what you mean."

And now he's crossed it, too.

He looked terrified at what he'd admitted, even though my own confession was far more needy and pathetic. My heart fell into my stomach at the idea of him being uncomfortable, so, sacrificing what little dignity I had left, I gathered up my courage and smiled at him. Almost reluctantly, he grinned back. The expression reached his eyes, and I couldn't believe someone like him was looking at someone like me so invitingly, so kindly.

"So, friends?" Exerting extreme control to prevent it from trembling, I held out my hand to him across the table, expecting him to shake it as if we'd just made a business deal.

He didn't take my hand, but he nodded and said, "Friends."

For the next few minutes, neither one of us said a single word. Despite our silence, I wasn't uncomfortable. In fact, I felt a familiar warmth in my chest, a feeling I'd never felt within the confines of Forks High School. I was at peace. I wasn't a bundle of nerves. I wasn't annoyed. I wasn't alone. Even though the feeling would vanish as soon as I knocked Edward off of the pedestal I'd placed him on in my subconscious, in this moment, I was so incredibly grateful to have him in my life. I knew whatever we had wouldn't last long, so I savored it while I could. Ultimately, this sort of perfection was always fleeting…not that I had ever experienced anything like it before to really know for certain.

I finally took in a bite of my pizza, thinking that now would be a good time to get some answers. I smiled at him mischievously before asking, "So, if we're friends, will you tell me why you looked at me in English on the first day of school like I'd just rolled in horse manure?"

He playfully sneered in my direction, which I attributed to him being amused at my refusal to back down. Patronizingly, he replied, "Maybe you really did stink, Bella."

"Fine. I give up. You and your secrets…" I was incapable of being angry with him, not now when we were finally getting somewhere.

"Don't be so critical. I'm sure you have secrets of your own."

"Not really," I scoffed. "I pretty much tell you everything I'm thinking." Almost. "It's infuriating, actually."

Edward leaned back in his chair. "I don't have the slightest idea of what runs through your head. That is infuriating."

"Well, ditto."

One side of his mouth curled up. The crooked smile animated his entire face. "I know I'm going to regret this, but if you want to know something, just ask."

I was suspicious of his openness. "So I can ask you about anything?"

"Of course." He spotted my cynical reaction immediately. "That doesn't necessarily mean I'll answer, but you can ask me anything. Any time."

Regardless of his open invitation, I wasn't about to waste a single second. "Okay. Here's a question for you: Why is it that you shun everyone at this school? You could be Mr. Popularity if you wanted. Yet, you choose not to; you hide like I do. I'm not sure I understand why."

I needed him to say he thought he was better than the rest of us, to prove that he was stuck up. I was looking for a crack in his perfect façade, but he disappointed me.

"I don't belong with these people. I suppose you could say that I grew up a long time ago, and I can't pretend that I'm just like everyone else. They don't understand me, and I don't understand them. I live in a different world than they do." His eyes gently wandered over my face. "What about you? There are quite a few people around here who want to get into your head, to know you better." He looked down at the mangled apple core on his tray. I had to strain my ears to hear him add, "Aside from me, of course."

I crossed my fingers and prayed that my face wasn't as red as it felt. "I don't want them to know me. I'll never be like any of them. I just don't want the same things that they do. I mean, I think popularity would be my worst nightmare."

"You don't want people to like you?" he asked quietly, without accusation or disbelief.

"I hate being the center of attention. I just want to live my life without an audience." Somehow, without me realizing it, he'd turned the focus of the conversation to me. It was time for me to take back the reins. "What about you? Aren't you close to anyone aside from your family?"

His words came out fast. "Not really. I don't need anyone else in my life but them."

Full of doubt, I gaped at him. "No one can put a quota on how many people they let into their lives, Edward. That's a pretty defeatist attitude." I smiled deprecatingly. "And this is coming from me, the perpetual loner, so that's really saying something."

Edward was unexpectedly wistful. "It's usually not a problem. I'm extremely fortunate to have my parents, my brothers and sisters. They are more than I deserve, really. Plus, as I've said before, I read people very well, and I know better than to bother with most of them."

"But you can't read me." Suddenly, I understood. "Which is why you keep talking to me, right?"

He took his time coming up with an answer. "I've known a lot of people and lived in more places than I can count, but you—" He stopped himself and locked his jaw. "You're different, different from anyone I've ever encountered."

I let my hair fall over my face to create a necessary barrier between us. "Give me time, Edward, and you'll see that I'm not."

He was playing the same game I was, biding his time until I did something to show him just how unappealing I could be. If he hadn't figured it out already, he wouldn't have to wait long; I was nothing if not excruciatingly ordinary.

Students filtered by us en route to the door, indicating the lunch hour was coming to a close. Edward was on his feet in a flash, but he waited for me before walking to English. As we passed through the cafeteria's glass double doors, I spotted my own reflection. I barely recognized myself. I usually slouched when in a crowd of people so that I was closer to the ground in case I stumbled, but in my reflection, I saw that I stood up straight, walking sure-footedly next to a boy who I would have otherwise thought was a hologram if not for the way his forearm had brushed lightly against mine as we squeezed past the sea of our classmates in the hallway. More shocking than my confident posture was my face; instead of my usual hollow indifference, my cheeks were pink and my eyes sparkled just a bit, even under the unforgiving lighting.

My newfound joy was beyond problematic to the point of catastrophe. Edward did this to me. This meant my plan was spinning out of control. I searched the pit of my stomach for guilt or at least panic, but I found only harmony. I searched deeper, finally hearing a tiny voice screaming out warnings the rest of me refused to heed. I knew what the voice wanted, that I run for the hills and never speak to my newest friend ever again, but I didn't care. For once, I wasn't worried about the right choice; all I knew is that Edward made my day enjoyable.

I was allowed to have friends.

I wasn't doing anything wrong.

I wasn't about to give him up.

X X X

The shrill ringing of the bell in History signaled the end of the school day. I sauntered out into a mob of restless underclassmen, my eyes peeled for a single, specific member of the senior class. I knew he didn't have a way home, thanks to Alice skipping off during lunch with his car, so I was willing to be a good friend and offer him a ride, even if it meant being late to work.

I raced through the hallways, needing to catch him before he could call someone to come pick him up. I nearly trampled Mike to death in my rush past his locker.

"Bella!" He looked worried. "Did you hear what happened to Jessica in gym?"

"No…" I would have blown him off if not for the terrified pitch in his voice. "Is she okay?"

"I don't know; they were climbing rope, and she made it to the top." If this was about how Mike was impressed with Jessica's upper body strength, I'd kill him. "Anyway, she lost her grip and crashed to the floor. She landed past the mats, near the railing of the bleachers."

"Oh my God."

"Yeah," Mike said hurriedly. "People keep saying she impaled herself on something, because there was so much blood, but I think that's just a rumor. At least, I hope it is." He looked down at the floor, and I remembered his and Jessica's longstanding on and off flirtation with each other. I had a feeling it may be on yet again. "I'm going over to the hospital to see what's up. Do you want to come with?"

I shook my head. "I have to work, remember? But if you find out anything, give me a call at the store, okay?"

My stomach grew queasy out of guilt when I thought of how I'd badmouthed Jessica to Edward just hours earlier. It was inevitable that other forms of guilt over the lunch hour would soon follow. As punishment, I let go of my mission to offer Edward a ride home and headed alone to the parking lot.

My shoulders slumped as I spotted an unmistakable flash of hair the color of a penny disappear into a red BMW. The car was stunning, completely out of place in Forks, but it was nothing compared to its driver. She was the most gorgeous woman I'd ever seen in the flesh, with long blond hair that cascaded past her shoulders and lips as red as her car. Her shirt was cut so low that I never saw where the neckline appeared behind the steering wheel. She was a living, breathing reminder of who I was and where I belonged. She was the female equivalent of Edward; like the shining, exquisite BMW, it made perfect sense that he belonged to her.

As Edward and his girlfriend sped out of the parking lot, they passed my truck and I noticed for the first time how faded, dull, and lifeless its paint was. I started the ignition and pulled out onto the street. The truck barely reached half the speed of the BMW, despite my best efforts to gun the engine. Unlike me, my truck knew what it was capable of, what its limits were. I should have known better than to drive it too fast. I wouldn't make that mistake twice.