The Things Raven Sees

by P0ST

The things Raven sees, the things Raven hears.

43. Mon



Monday

I wake up early.

And despite the fact that the sun's barely up over the horizon…

….I feel rested.

I feel satiated.

And it seems awkward and funny that I should be griping or moping over something that plagued me in the morning.

And it dawns upon me that even I have the gift of daily rebirth, so to speak.

But just now….thoughts of the Soto Dance Club waft up into my fair head.

And I think of the bodies churning.

Dancing and raving….when they're actually screaming and quivering in pain.

And I realize that I am looking toward the future.

I have no reason to.

Not now.

Not………when this Tower is so empty.

I take a breath.

I get up out of bed.

I pad across the bedroom in my nightgown and gaze out at the cold, blue morning of the City.

The Bay.

The ripple-effect of time and life.

Not when it's……so quiet……

A chill runs through me.

A happy chill.

Cold like the glass that I'm leaning a pale hand against.

But jolting…..reawakening……rebirthing.

I summon a small, hopeful smile.

So quiet.

So serene.

………what am I doing inside this gloomy room?

…

…

I don jeans, a t-shirt, and a loose blue jacket.

I emerge on the rooftop of the Tower.

I sit at the edge, cross legged.

Soon I fold my fingers in meditative poses, levitate, and center myself.

"Azarath Metrion Zinthos……..Azarath Metrion Zinthos…….Azarath Metrion Zinthos……."

Sooner than I know it….

The Sun is rising.

Almost as if I am summoning it.

The warmth….

The touch of bright, yellow rays….

It all touches me.

Fills me.

And takes control of the center that I had just found, cleared, and refilled.

And all of the cold of the gloomy night and my Azar-forsaken room go screaming into oblivion.

And I feel………….pacified, again.

Silly girl.

All you needed to do……

Was meditate.

I open my eyes.

Squinting the violet orbs against the rising hot circle of the Sun.

The Bay starts to glitter.

The gray towers of the City gleam and shine.

And all around me is fresh, fresh, fresher air….

Do I………want to giggle?

The Tower is empty.

I'm alone.

I'm serene.

Yes……Yes, I want to giggle.

"Hrmmmm…….I'm hungry like I wouldn't believe…….."

…

…

I have only tried making myself pancakes twice in my life.

On both occasions, I had managed to survive by the skin of my intestines.

That's why I'm fishing through the refrigerator to find something microwaveable.

And I just know that Beast Boy had to have left something in here.

Or Cyborg.

Or even Starfire…..though her favorite cuisines are either inedible or not worthy of the embrace of human eyes.

My hand rummages through the refrigerator…..then the freezer.

And I sigh.

There is plenty for me to eat here.

But……

I gaze forlornly at the yogurt cases.

The salad…the herbal tea….

The makings of grits and potato salad.

I close the refrigerator.

I fold my arms…..or am I hugging myself?

A gurgle in my stomach….

….and I suddenly think:

There is plenty for me to eat here………but suddenly everything that I am used to eating is not very……appealing to me……

I gaze to the side.

Towards the dishwasher.

The surface is a polished silver.

It shows my profile in reflection—however distorted—in all my thin, thin, petite, thin glory.

And I bite my lip….softly…..

Have I never……ever had an appetite before?

Silence.

That peaceful silence.

Now it is haunting me again—but somehow I almost…..crave the direction this is now going.

Would it hurt to………eat something that I would enjoy for once?

I took a deep breath.

My eyes narrow….

Hmmmmm……

………'enjoy'……

A beat.

I blink.

"I suppose there's no….mmmm…..h-harm in that…," I drone to myself.

Right.

No harm at all.

But……

Still--

I cringe.

I run a hand through my blue strands of hair.

Nervously.

Pensively….

What would it look like for me to be caught doing that?

It wouldn't look nice……would it?

"……………."

But then again, who's looking?

I gaze at the rest of the Main Room.

The emptiness.

The vacancy…….of Titans.

"Why can't I just……..b-be selfish for once?"

Silence…………..

The corner of my lips curve.

Why, indeed?

…

…

"What's that, Raven?" Robin asks. His face is on the monitor. Cyborg can be seen behind him, operating on a piece of the T-Ship somewhere along the Eastern Docks of Steel City. "I didn't catch you—"

"……..," I blink at the screen. "Uhhhhh……" I stand still, trying not to fidget. My hands hide in jacket sleeves behind my back as my violet eyes trail the side. I clear my throat and neutrally inquire: "I was…..wondering if I could….erm….ask you—the Titan Leader—for permission to leave the Tower…."

"Huh? 'Leave' the Tower?"

"……you know….," I shifted my feet some. I clenched my jaw.

"………………," Robin stared at me. Eyemask thin in curiosity.

I shrug. I gestured with a thin wrist. "G-Go 'out'."

Cyborg immediately stops what he's doing in the background and looks 'my way'.

Robin leans his head to the side. He blinks under his mask. He gazes back at Cyborg.

Cyborg scratches the human part of his head.

Robin looks back at me through the monitor. "Uhm…..Sure, Raven! But…..you know—"

"What?"

He gestures with a green glove. "You didn't really have to ask."

I blink. "I didn't?"

"You're watching over the Tower, girl!" Cyborg walks up. Grinning. "Not in prison, ya know!"

"Uhhh…..but I thought—"

"Thought what?" Robin asks.

"Well, with you giving me the order to go on patrol last night—which was rather fruitless by the way, no crime is hitting our town as of late—I kinda sorta thought you wanted me on a regimented schedule and—"

"Raven, you're not some toddler. You can go out of the Tower and be outside anytime you please," Robin smiles. He then fidgets and scratches the back of his neck. "It's just that—uhhh……"

I narrow my violet eyes suspiciously. "Just what?" I can empathically sense his awkwardness from here.

"Well……I never really thought----that is to say, I didn't put into consideration that—"

Cyborg shoves Robin out of the way. THWOOSH!

"YAAAH!"

"What the Boy Blunder is tryin' to say……," Cyborg winked. "……you're not one to go out on the Town. We all kinda expected you to stay in your little hermit shell all week, so it didn't occur to us to give you any specific instructions. Got it?"

I bite my lip. "Erhm….."

"Hehehehe……poor widdle Raven's got da CABIN FEVER!" Cyborg leans in suggestively towards the communicator camera. "Don't tell me you cracked already………"

"Cracked?"

"Face it, girl. With us gone from the Tower, even YOUR reclusive life has gone all out DULL! You're lookin' for things to do!"

I fold my arms and frown. "Do not….be ridiculous," I spit. "I am not 'cracking' over any of the sort."

"Heheheheh……suuuuure you are—"

"I'm just hungry!"

"Hungry?"

"……….uhm….," I push a strand of stubborn blue out of the way. The edges of my pale cheeks are rosy. "Y-Yes……just hungry……"

"………huh…………," Cyborg blinks. A pause…..then he smiles. "Well, if it's a to-go you're looking through……feel free to use a drive thru!" He gestured with his fingers. "There's a blue card on the computer console of the Main Room that pops out upon DNA signature contact of any of the Titans. It fits into the ignition slot of my baby. Feel free to give the T-Car a spin if you want to get your head out of the Tower's gutter!"

I did a double-take. "Uhm….Cyborg?"

"What?"

"…………have you run into Brother Blood in Steel City yet?"

"No. Why?"

"Because I think he's controlling your minds…..," I murmur.

"Hah hah hah! Lighten up, girl! Out of all us Titans, I trust in you to take care of the T-Car. You're not as reckless as Robin, clumsy as Beast Boy or…………v-vehicle unfriendly as Starfire. Just don't take the T-Car to any underground circuit races, and we'll be cool as frost. Got it, cutie?"

"Uhm….wow. Th-Thanks, Cyborg…..I suppose I should tha------Wait….," My eyes flash an angry bright gray as I hiss demonically at the screen with hair strands levitating. "Did you just call me 'cutie'?"

"Whoops? Heh heh……I-I'm out of here!"

"Grrrrrrr—"

"So long and safe eating, cutie. Snkkkkt-heh-heh-heh-hehhhh---"

BLIP!

The screens vanishes, and Cyborg's and Robin's faces with it.

I clench my fists…….relax them……and exhale.

A sigh.

"…………mmm……feh….," I straighten my hair and calm my nerves. "I'll kill him later."

And still….I falter.

And slowly….

Slowly……

I turn about.

And gaze at the computer station…..

……….where the key quietly resides.

"………………"

…

…

The garage.

I stand at one end.

Dressed in a blue sweatjacket with an even bluer hood hanging down behind my neck.

Gray jeans.

Sneakers…….which I am mostly likely wearing for the first time since Starfire made me buy them.

I stare at the blue and silver monstrosity that is Cyborg's Baby.

Its gargantuan 'fragility'.

A vehicle that could make or break me in one turn of the wheel.

I hold the blue card up in my pale fingers.

I glance at it.

Fidgeting……inside.

'Lighten up, girl! Out of all us Titans, I trust in you to take care of the T-Car.'

I take a deep breath.

Walking forward….bravely.

"I am…….only going out…….f-for food……"

Beep-Beep!

The T-Car unlocks within proximity of the card key.

I inhale lightly and open the side door.

Click.

I linger there….staring at the inviting driver's seat…..the darklit, leather-interior.

"I……d-do…..remember how to do this……right?"

A beat…….

It was……a few months after I entered this dimension that Robin taught me how to drive.

My fingers nervously twitch.

That was over a year ago………

"Nnnnngh….."

I glance back at the stairwell leading up from the garage.

I consider going back upstairs.

Enslaving myself for the umpteenth to boring, repetitive helpings of salad, yogurt, vitamins, and the meat substitute that I've always enjoyed but never told Beast Boy because he wouldn't understand and—plus—I wouldn't hear the end of it.

"Nnngh….what am I doing?" I mutter to myself. "Going out…..j-just isn't me……"

Silence.

But then again……I'm alone here. In the Tower. In the City.

I'm alone…………

…………and I may never get an opportunity like this again.

"…………….," I smile ever so slightly. "Alice in Impulse-land….."

I slink into the T-Car and squat myself down in the driver's seat.

I shut the door.

I reach a shaking hand and slip the blue card in.

Whurrrrr-Click!

I reach my hand to the ignition switch and—

VREEEEEE-VRMMMMMMMM!.!.!

I jolt.

Sweatdropping.

Easing….easing….easing down…..

What's with boys and big things that rumble?

"Okay……..okay……..o-okay….."

I buckle up.

I grip the wheels.

I scrunch back in the seat.

I can't see over the dashboard.

"…………..uh…….y-yeah……"

I look around me.

I find two levers between the walls and floor of the interior and the seat. I pull on one.

PHWISSSsssssssh!

I lower down even further.

"N-No…..uhm………," I twist the other way—

WHURRR!

I slide back.

My temple pulses.

I clear my throat, calm my impatience, and twist the other way and pull---

PHWISSSSH!

I rocket towards the ceiling--

"Nnngh—For the love of Azar!" I slam my fist against the lever before my blue skull is crushed against the ceiling—

FWUMP!

"……..," I blink.

I can now see well over the dashboard.

And the wheels is within comfortable grasp.

"……….y-yeah……"

I feel the contours of the wheel.

As the vehicle's engine rumbles, I reach a hand down to the stick.

"Okay……um……'forward'?"

J-Jerk! Jerk!

It won't budge.

"………uhm…..h-huh?"

Jerk!

"What's wrong…."

J-Jerk!

"….with this thing?"

Jerk! Jerk! Jerk!

"……," I glance down. "Oh….r-right. The clutch."

I press on it—

Jerk!

VRMMMM!

I rocket forward.

I realize that my foot must be pressed hard onto the gas pedal.

But that's not what horrifies me.

What horrifies me is that I'm about to drive Cyborg's prized vehicle twenty-five miles per hour straight into the huge, metal, garage doors which I have not thought to open before exiting!

I gasp.

Violet eyes wide.

I grip the wheel tightly and gnash my teeth with eyes glowing a bright, concentrated gray.

"Azarath…Metrion…ZINTHOS!"

A black portal opens up magically in the hanging garage door.

FLASSSSH!

The T-Car flies through it.

VRMMMMMM!

An explosion of daylight.

I swerve out onto the driveway.

I grit my teeth, shift back, and turn at the wheel before I can slam helplessly into a crag of rock bluffs.

SCREEEE-EEEEEEE-EEEEEEECH!

The vehicle spins….spins….spins…..and—

"B-Brakes! I-I forgot!"

Clamp!—(both feet).

SCREEECH!

The vehicle lurches to a stop.

I stop spinning….but my eyes don't.

I shake my blue head and slap my skull with a palm to stop the circular motion.

I shudder and slump back in the seat as the engine idles.

"Nnnnngh……th-this isn't going to work…."

"Zzzzt! Work? Working optimally."

"………….?" I crane my neck.

A small computer screen on the dashboard is dancing a sound wave line.

An artificial intelligence voice speaks: "Does the driver of this vehicle wish to input the automated road assistant?"

"………..uhhhh……," I drone in numb confusion. "Wh-What are you, exactly?"

"I am the T-Car Automated Road Assistant. I detect that your driving proficiency is lacking today, Mr. Stone."

"Uhm…..I-I'm not Cyborg---"

"Would you like me to take over vehicular handing of the car to your desired destination, Mr. Stone?"

"……….," my lips curve helplessly. Well……now this is promising. "Y-Yeah……sure. Uhm…..l-let's go somewhere….to eat…."

"I can most assuredly pick a random course of driving patterns to occupy 'cruising time' within the center of this urban locale, but it is up to the passenger to choose the specific destination."

"Oh…..um…..," I run a hand through my blue strands. What do I want to eat……today, now that I'm 'alone'? I feel my stomach gurgle. I inhale and look out the windshield towards the gray City looming beyond. Azar above……do I even know what is or what is not a place to eat in this City?

"I can make suggestions towards various locations of restaurants and diners."

"……..oh…..in th-that case…..what about something…..," I stroke my pale chin. A beat. I glance at the dashboard. "……Chinese?"

"Dynasty Buffet, 1.7 miles from here. Geisha Palace, 1.9 miles from here, Chinese Specialt—"

"Uh…..the f-first place is okay," I manage awkwardly.

"Dynasty Buffet?"

"Yeah…..sure."

"Estimated time of travel, twenty-five minutes."

I lie back in the chair. I smirk and fold my arms behind my head. "Yeah…..you do that…."

The car rolls along on its own, driven by Cyborg's masterfully programmed artificial intelligence.

I glance up through a sunroof.

I see clouds…

Storm clouds…….

Gradually turning grayer and grayer.

"………mmm……," I murmur and shut my eyes gently. "……wonderful weather….."

…

…

Across the City.

Into Downtown.

The T-Car takes me to the commercial district.

The shopping malls.

The restaurants….the theatres…

For some reason, this City looks horrendously new to me.

The industrial squalls…the shipyards….the junkyards, I all seem to know like the back of my hand from numerous villainous battles.

But these places….

Places of enjoyment…………

"Heh…..so this is what people do," I murmur to the air.

"Snkkkt—Do you desire us to stop, Mr. Stone?"

"Uhm…..no. Keep going to the restaurant. And I'm not Mister—"

"We are approaching the plaza of the Dynasty Buffet. Presently searching for an open parking space………"

"Uhhh…thanks….," I glance out the windows. Calm violet eyes. Glancing at the light drizzle coming down from the edges of the clouds. The damp gray sidewalks. The people huddled under shop fronts and awnings. Young people. Families. Chatty conversations behind the curtain of rain. faces….

School must be out or something.

Or maybe………

Maybe this is just what Monday mornings are like.

I don't know……

Vrmmmmm!

"A parking spot has been located. The Dynasty Buffet is forty meters down along Henderson Street."

Wow, a regular chauffer.

"Thanks. I…..um……will take it from here, I guess," I shrug.

"By all means, Mr. Stone."

I clench my jaw….

The T-Car rolls to a stop neatly in a parking space. The engine cuts off.

I pop the blue card out.

I unbuckle.

I step out of the T-Car—sighing—and walk out into the gray drizzle of the cool afternoon.

My hands in my sweat jacket's pockets.

"Huh…..well…….," I smile ever so slightly to myself and walk out into the cloud-filtered sunlight. My blue strands of hair brushed by the breeze. "……this isn't so bad---"

I freeze.

"…………….."

I'm staring at the sidewalk.

And well over two-dozen random citizens are all staring back at me.

At my petite, pale-skinned body.

At the T-Car parked behind me.

At the fair head of hair exposed to the sky.

Blue strands blowing.

My chakra stone naked and glinting.

"……………..," I bite my lip.

They all stare. They all blink.

Then…….

"Whoah!"

"R-Raven?"

"Isn't that the Titan Magician?"

"Raven?.?.?"

"It's Raven!"

"Dude, check it out--!"

I spin around, hoist the blue hood over my head, and engulf my body in black energy just in time to—

FLASH!

….I teleport my petite self back into the T-Car, jam the blue card in, and practically hiss into the dashboard: "Okay…Hit it…..Hit it!"

"Snkkkt—Please define your command, Mr. Stone—"

"Get met some place that isn't here! Quickly!" I pant. "……and don't call me by Cyborg's last na—"

SCREEEECH!

I scrunch back into my chair, wincing.

VRMMMMM!

The T-Car roars down the road before the curious cluster of fanboys and fangirls can catch up to the heated aluminum on wheels.

I pant….pant…pant……and run a hand across my brow.

"Nnnngh…..stupid….."

I frown.

Totally forgot about………that detail.

I swear to Azar………

The masses are asses.

"Snkkkt……I sense an elevated heartrate. Are you all right, Mr. Stone?"

"It's called estrogen. Can you do a scan for that?"

"Snkkkt—Does not compute—"

"Of course not. Never mind. Can you…….uhm…..park us somewhere less populated with morons?"

"Please define 'populated with morons'."

"Like……..a parking space that isn't very conspicuous."

"Might a parking garage serve sufficiently?"

I blink.

Smart car……

"Uh……yeah. Th-That sounds great."

The T-Car pulls us into a parking garage and starts ascending tier after tier of floors.

And just as I see the first of many parking spots available on the third level—an idea hits me.

I lean forward: "Uhm….'T-Car', head up towards the top floor and park there."

"Are you certain, Mr. Stone? The programming presently assigns me to find the parking space closest to your destination—"

"I'm certain. Just park on the top tier somewhere "

"Understood. Fulfilling your input."

The T-Car rolled up and up and up.

I sat back.

Taking a deep breath.

Is this worth it?

If I run such a risk of being………recognized?

What am I doing with my day anyways?

I blink in thought.

I have no unearthly clue exactly what I am doing with my day.

And that……

That's what makes it special.

The T-Car takes me to the top tier.

Parking slowly…..where the sun shines.

And—just as I expected—there isn't a single other vehicle parked up here on top of the garage building. Unless a low-flying helicopter was looking suicidally closely to the buildingtops, nobody in the know would see the T-Car where it now resided.

I can walk out….and 'enter the world' in piece.

And maybe even…..obscured.

The engine cuts.

The car is silent.

I exhale: "Whewwww…."

I leaned back in the seat.

Relax…..

And close my eyes…………………..

Beep! Beep! Beep!

"Aaack!" I suddenly gasp. A blast of telekinesis rocks the T-Car as I instinctively reach up and hang onto the Jesus Bar. "……………."

Beep! Beep! Beep! The communicator of the T-Car again chimes.

I groan.

Snap out of it….

…..and flip a switch to turn on the communicator.

"Raven here. What is it?"

"Raven? This is Robin."

"Hi, Robin. Is there something the matter--?"

"Hardly. I just wanted to contact you to let you know that the Titans and I are starting our investigations and searches of the City."

"………all right."

"In short, we will be too busy tracking down Brother Blood to effectively communicate with you on a regular basis."

"I understand."

"You may be receiving some calls from other people at the Tower, though……"

I raise an eyebrow. "What do you mean—"

"I've been trying to get in contact with a few friends of ours. Aqualad……BumbleBee……Speedy—"

"What for?"

"……………"

"Robin?"

"Nothing's confirmed as of yet. But we may be needing their help. Real soon."

"………interesting."

"I'll brief you and the other Titans on it sooner than naught. But right now, the four of us need to go into action. You'll be okay without contacting us for the next few days, right Raven?"

"Uhmmmm….."

"You think you can handle that?"

I look around.

I'm in the T-Car.

Atop a parking garage.

In a drizzling, overcast afternoon.

I'm hungry for Chinese…..

……and I'm wearing jeans.

"………………….y-yeah….," I softly smile. Ever so slightly. "I think……I-I think I'm covered……"

"Good. Take care."

"You too, uh….Robin."

"And Raven?"

"Yes?"

Silence…..then—through the crackling speakers—a slightly off-serious voice of geniality that I don't often hear from Robin.

"……………don't be afraid to—ya know………"

"…..what?"

"……relax. Don't be afraid to relax."

I blink.

I squint my eyes at the dashboard radio.

I say: "Robin…..who do you think I am?"

"Snkkkkkkkkkkt."

He's gone.

I sigh.

I step out of the T-Car.

I draw the hood of the robe over my head…and enjoy the cooling drizzle as I march across the rooftop towards the stairwell.

In fact……

Who do I think I am?

And I can't seem to keep my lips straight today….

…

…

I realize something.

I really need to re-acquaint myself with Asian culture.

Because I do not know what half of this stuff that I'm eating is called.

I do not know what it is called….and yet….

….it doesn't really matter.

It all tastes….so good.

And different.

I have made two total trips to the buffet bar.

My first round was with the familiar bits.

Rice.

Chicken.

Rolls.

My second trip delved into…..more 'noodly territory'.

I am sitting at a table at the far side of the interior.

Alone.

The table is fairly large for just a party of one.

But the place isn't nearly as cramped as I imagined it would be.

It must be the time of day I have chosen to come here.

I spot a few families.

Some businessmen on the opposite sides of the place.

A few couples chatting in languages that I can't decipher.

And….

This obscurity.

This confusion….the namelessness of everything surrounding me so suddenly…..

……it feels strangely comforting.

Still, I eat slowly.

Ladylike.

Then again, I have always been a light eater.

Not necessarily 'dainty'…but hardly the ravenous monster Tamaranian Starfire can be on occasion.

I've often gauged people by the way they eat similar to how they talk.

Beast Boy's mouth is as often inhaling food as it is exhaling words.

Starfire's exotic taste matches her foreign awkwardness.

Cyborg is pretty cut and dry.

And Robin…..is hard to spot eating, a loner in his sense.

And myself?

Well….

I'm eating today.

Eating a lot, I suppose.

It feels……..dumbing.

With moderation, I suppose that I like it.

I suppose…..

I pause in the middle of a helping of dried broccoli.

I look up.

Violet eyes shaded.

I still have my blue sweatjacket's hood up.

Covering my head.

It must be an awkward site indeed for the other patrosn.

But…..

But I would rather it be this than ravenous attention.

But as I stare at the various occupants….

And I hear the garbled, strange words….

I put my fork down.

I gently….pensively raise my pale fingers up…..

…..and lower my hood.

And.

Nothing…..

People see me.

But take no 'notice'.

And impose no pointing fingers or shouts.

Not even when my blue strands of hair fall out of place….

Or when my chakra stone glitters with a nearby, electric light…..

I smile.

This is……

……really nice……

I take a deep breath.

And return to my food.

Satiated….satiated….

…

…

After 'lunch'….

I leave the restaurant.

And it's raining.

People crowd the sidewalks.

Forced to talk with each other.

Jarred out of their midday routines.

Relieved….in a sense….

Mindful only of their wandering minds and wandering voices.

I shuffle through it all.

Yes, I have the hood over my head again.

It obscures my profile as I walk through the thick crowd of citizenry.

A rainy mist rises from the soggy streets and kisses my cheeks….

As I stroll….stroll…….stroll…….

Taking deep breaths.

Inhaling the moistures.

Singing between the heated bodies of those present.

The soft….gentle melody of voices mixing into confusing ambiance.

I'm drowning in the thick of it…..and I haven't been pounced on.

And I haven't been harassed or annoyed or asked to play stinkball or to engage in the 'braiding maneuvers' of hair…..

I can meditate to this.

Wow……why haven't I felt it before?

I close my eyes and walk along the sidewalk in daring blindness for a few seconds.

As if I can inhale/absorb everything.

So this is what Daylight is………

I reopen my eyes.

My lips curve as I press on ahead….

…

…

Inside a Borders.

I linger besides the Poetry section.

I glance through a paperback CliffNotes for Edgar Allen Poe.

I bite my lip.

I slide the CliffNotes back.

If ever I'm going to laugh……

……it's sure as Azar not going to be in public.

I turn around slowly.

Hands fidgeting….meeting in my sweat jacket's pocket.

I stare out at the shoppers….the readers……the coffee drinkers.

Teenagers.

Adults.

Senior citizens.

Random branches of the population…

They mill about.

Sitting in chairs with magazines.

With novels.

With mangas.

Quiet.

Reading.

Engulfed….

Quiet………

I take a deep breath.

I fidget where I stand. Disguised. Hooded. Unnoticeable.

So……

There's hope for the human race after all……

I reach a hand in under my hood and straighten the stubborn strand of blue.

My violet eyes glance aside.

I……

I-I really want that platinum hardback edition of Kushiel's Dart………

But………

I bite my lip.

I've……self-indulged enough as it is.

I take a deep breath.

I look around at the interior of the huge book store.

Being in a place like this……

The rain……

The food……

It's all just a feeling…..

I don't need to buy anything.

I shudder.

Even though I………really want that book.

I sigh.

I pull my hands down to my side…..crack the bottom knuckles…..and march forward.

I think about the rain outside.

The cool, gray tranquility of it all.

The need to sleep.

Sleepwalking.

Time traveling….meditating….moving all at once.

It's positively……

……intoxicating.

I blink from under my shadowing hood.

Passing by book shelves and comic racks where a few teenagers gathered.

Towards the door.

The brightness….the softness….

The touch of cool air.

I sigh….

How can……How can feeling this peaceful be a crime?

How can it?

I pause….just moments before I could possibly exit the establishment.

Fidgeting.

I must look like a shoplifter.

My eyes thin.

My lips purse.

Heh………

I turn around…swiveling.

I walk straight back to the fantasy section.

Curse you, Jacqueline Carey………

I wander past two boys and a girl huddled around a local heroes comic.

"Wow…..they did a good job drawing Robin!"

"Robin? Pfft—Look at Raven!"

"God, she's so hot!"

"Heh….I wonder if she's naturally blue haired……" the guy teen winked.

"Heh heh heh."

I walk past them, shuffling.

And a voice escapes from underneath my hood. "Not too far from the truth…."

All three gaze at me. Blinking. "…………………."

And I'm gone.

…

…

A courtyard.

Surrounded by fast food restaurants.

Kids play in the puddles.

Giggles and splashes.

Mothers chatting on the sidelines.

In the distance, college kids playing hack-a-sack.

I stand in a corner.

Leaning back up against a concrete wall between shops.

My hands stuffed in my sweat jacket's pocket.

The plastic Borders bag hanging from my wrist.

Staring silently out from under my hood.

Quiet.

Watching.

"…………………………"

…

…

I take a detour.

I meander around the docksides of the southern boardwalk.

The sun is finally starting to lower.

The rains have parted, and instead a gray mass of clouds murmur overhead.

Rays of scattered sunshine bleed down onto the Bay.

The gray waves rolling, crashing, foaming.

The seagulls fluttering and flapping overhead.

Joggers and runners on the beach.

Couples strolling on the dryer sand.

A person or two with a cell phone.

Two kids, a father, a dog, and a Frisbee.

One brave soul trying to surf.

Cold mist.

Cold mist, and warm adrenaline.

Walking…..Walking….

Absorbing.

…

…

I stroll down a boardwalk.

My jacket warming me against the ocean-borne breeze of the Bay.

Dangling the beloved book behind me in its back.

Strolling…..pacing….lingering….

I approach the end.

Slowly, I approach the end.

The last length of dock stretching over the frothing waves rests before me.

I reach the wooden railing.

I set the plastic bag down on the wooden planks beside my feet.

I anchor it with a shoe.

I lean forward….arms crossed…

And….when nobody's looking…..

….I toss my head back.

My blue hood falls.

My hair blows freely in the end, for what short lengths they can muster.

I close my eyes.

I inhale the Ocean.

The salt of the Earth.

The endless womb of nature.

I exhale.

I lean forward into the moisture.

Staring with thin, sleepy eyes into the froth churning below me.

And I breathe.

And I breathe…..

And I breathe………….

…

…

I spend an hour into the sunset sitting on a wooden bench.

Watching fishermen along the dock.

Roller blading families….

High schoolers joking and bouncing around.

A seagull that perches across from me, stares at my person for the full minute that I stare back at it, then flies away.

Meandering winds.

Streams of salt air that blow at my exposed hair and face.

And….

And I marvel at the oblivion that I've achieved.

The only oblivion that I could ever ask for.

One in which the world continues on without me.

Happy.

Untouched.

And without fear.

And it feels good.

It feels so good—even in the bliss of momentary ignorance—to believe.

I breathe.

The salt air.

The oscillating cold and warmth of it all.

I can almost believe…..

Believe that I am not what I am.

That I am only a girl.

That I am only a teenager.

And that I am only as dangerous as I would ever dare to let myself be.

The Titans are gone.

The Tower is on vacation.

And as far as I know…

As far as I care….

'Raven' is on vacation too.

I inhale.

Hugging myself…..hugging the book to my chest that I just bought.

Not caring to look at it…or register it.

Just…….

Drifting.

"………………"

Who is this girl underneath……anyways?

Silence.

Ocean…..Ocean…..

Sighs.

I stand up.

I should really……

Really……learn to stop thinking so much.

At least for now.

At least for tonight.

There is nothing wrong with being selfish.

Nothing wrong in being selfish……tonight.

I tell myself this…

…as I stroll off towards the nearest store.

…

…

A supermarket.

I stand in the checkout line.

It isn't very busy.

A teenage sales clerk is ringing my items through and bagging them.

She finishes and reads me the total: "Okay, that will be $33.49"

"Mmmhmmm…," I hand out some cash.

While finishing the transaction, she glances up at me. My hood is down and there is plenty of my iconographic face to see. Naturally, she squints her eyes….brightens….and points: "Say….a-aren't you familiar?" She smiles helplessly. "I've seen your face…."

I shrug.

I look at her calmly.

"Perhaps you have…..perhaps you have not…"

She hands me my change and receipt….then my bag.

She gasps: "Omigawd! I know! Aren't you Raven? Raven of the Teen Titans?"

I take the bag from her.

My lips curve somewhat.

"No……Not really….."

Her eyebrow raises. "Huh?"

I'm already gone.

…

…

I walk along the boardwalks and beach—slowly—in a roundabout return to the T-Car.

I'm humming to myself.

Much like I did yesterday.

Only now, it's louder.

More pronounced.

Lifting in the air towards the patchwork stars peering down every other spot through the clouds.

It is only a couple of minutes before I realize another melody is invading the air through the waves of the local humming coming from my throat.

I silence myself.

I slow down my pacing.

I gaze left.

Violet eyes peering through the growing darkness.

I squint.

I spot…..a fire.

A campfire on the beach.

Surrounding the bonfire, teenagers gather.

All shapes and sizes.

And they are…….enjoying themselves.

Talking…chatting up a storm.

Young couples giggling and resting against each other. Gently drifting to the music.

One writing in a journal.

Others nodding….meditating….listening as a central figure strums at a guitar.

A sandy-brown haired young man with an acoustic guitar.

Gently….rhythmically going at it.

A folk song.

Paul Simon, I think….

I hear………

"…………………..," I gaze at the group.

The camaraderie.

The warmth.

And…..for as soothing an image it is…

It awakens something momentarily shuddering and coldly sharp in me.

And I vaguely remember the voices I heard coming from the communicators in the Tower and T-Car.

But….

But I move myself along.

Humming.

Trucking the bag of stuffs with me….

Not giving myself to remember any further.

…

…

When I'm in the T-Car, riding home via the digital chauffer….

I am still plagued with residual memories.

Faces.

Voices.

And I know I shouldn't fear the familiarity.

But I push it away anyways.

I just want this moment.

May this moment……last a while.

Not 'forever'……but……

A while……

The T-Car stops at a light. An intersection.

I feel the steady thumping of something through the body of the vehicle I'm in.

A heavy, continuous bass.

Vibrating….rattling the rear view mirror.

"…………," I glance right….through the passenger's side window.

I see a warehouse beyond. A warehouse with a thick group of evening-goers crowding the front outside. The Soto Dance club. The lights flickering. The music pounding.

I stare at it.

I contemplate….only for a second.

But I don't move a muscle.

Yeah………

Let's not push it………

I let the T-Car roll along……

And take me home.

…

…

I arrive at the Tower.

And….

I don't waste time, but I take my time.

I retreat to my bedroom.

I take my newly bought novel.

I go into my washroom.

I fill the tub with warm, near-steaming water.

I place around and about the half-dozen candles I just bought.

With incense.

And aroma.

Vanilla…..sandalwood….

I light them.

I fill the tub with a milky lavender bath.

I usher in a CD player. Three-disc-changer.

I put on some Rasputina….some Tori Amos…..Depeche Mode…..

I turn off the overhead lights.

In the flickering amber aura of the scented candles, I disrobe then slowly submerge myself into the heating….soothing bath….

…..with a sigh.

I sink in.

I lie back.

I inhale.

I close my eyes.

I drift………………….

I slowly open my eyes.

I emerge a pale wrist from the silken bath.

I flex my fingers…summon a black, translucent glow…

I levitate the book over and turn to a favorite chapter.

The novel floats telekinetically before me, pages flipping.

One by one.

As my violet eyes lazily….liquidly drip across the words.

And as I read….and as I breathe….and as I drift….

….I reach a hand out.

I take one piece out of a batch of german chocolates that I picked up at the store.

Or……

Are they Swiss?

Austrian?

I don't care.

I take one small bite at a time.

Nibbling.

Swallowing.

Reclining.

Reading.

Soaking.

Absorbing.

"Mmmmmmm…….."

I take a moment to pause.

My eyes pleasantly closed.

I take a deep breath….warm and bubbly this time. Like something is boiling inside of me and rising to the surface higher and higher….at a slow and lava-creeping rate.

Some fires aren't made to be feared….

The gray day dwindles in and out of my mind.

The coolness melting away like ice exhaust to the warm lavender bath.

Lost in the steam…the aroma…

The flickering candles.

The cello and violin riffs in the backgrounds.

Voices whispersing…wailing….mourning and laughing….

Melodically.

Like the boy on the beach with the guitar.

The kids in the puddles in the courtyard.

The couples by the boardwalk.

The diners at the restaurant.

Those who mingled and drifted into happy, textual oblivion in the corners of the book store.

Like me. Then and there. The instaneity of it all….

Ohh……

I muse mentally to myself as I telekinetically flip a page…

Nibble on another chocolate….

And drift away….

How can I not like Phedre?

He's so……

So…

So Phedre……

I sigh.

The candles flicker.

I flip a page.

I drift.

Sometime into it….

Minutes?

Hours?

At least one CD ends and rolls into another---other than that, I have no bearing on the illusion of 'time'.

I lay the book down with my levitation.

And I rest back in the waters.

My head partially submerged.

My blue threads fanning out around me like an aquamarine halo against the lavender bath.

Strands half wet, half dry.

My nose gently inhaling.

My eyes close……aimed towards the ceiling….

I feel more now like I'm flying than ever a time I've taken to the air to chase down criminals.

And….

It's like I'm in another world.

This silly kingdom of spontaneous hedonism.

I don't deserve this.

I don't care.

The Titans….

Those were who I was trying not to remember the voices of earlier in the ride home in the T-Car.

Not that I hate them.

Only……

I am always trying to escape them.

I am always trying to escape my 'friends', as I am always trying to escape myself.

Only now, myself is exactly where I want to be.

Because in this loneliness.

This empty domain that I am suddenly afloat and aloft in……

It has become an oblivion.

A wasteland I can feed off of.

If even for its temporary nature its excusable…

….for its ridiculousness, it's redeemable.

And I'm redeemable.

For nobody sees me but myself.

And I am my best fortress.

And I am my best shield and buckler.

Fighting and struggling against and evil that none of my friends can ever understand.

Because……

Because…………

I don't tell them.

But, come to think of it.

Maybe I could do with not telling myself…..

For one night.

I smile pleasantly.

Awash with the scents and oils and music.

Or……

For one week……

I breathe………….in…………..slowly……….

This isn't being selfish.

This is……

This is 'taking a break'.

After all……every Titan is entitled to that.

Are they not?

Though……I'm sure it is hard enough for me to imagine them taking breaks.

Just as hard as it is for them to imagine me where I am right now and what I am doing.

Though……it isn't really any concern of them to know when I take baths.

Er……yeah……

I can't imagine a Starfire who interrupts her own smiling patterns.

Or a Cyborg who shuts his metallic parts off for the better part of a week.

How could Beast Boy ever be anything different than the predictable joker that he strives to achieve?

And Robin………

I swallow.

I take a deep breath and sink deeper….

……Robin is an idealist.

An idea forged in might and mania and sweat.

After countless nights of leading us into battle……

Of looking after us.

Of looking after me…..

How could he ever afford himself a break?

How could he ever learn to relax?

To lie down?

To……retire………

To soften his muscles and simply………breathe………

To embrace a quieter side of himelf………shadowed and hidden…………

Elusive……taunting……………mischievous even………

And……

……

And……for once……

For once, not selfless……

Not a selfless Robin at all…………

…

…

…

The bath lasts longer than I anticipated.

…

…

Good night, Monday……