Thursday
I slowly wake up.
And 'slowly waking up' is a process that takes two to here hours of progression into the gray world of the morning.
I am not excited to be alive.
And I am too worried to try sleeping more.
Somewhere inside this woman's body, instinct takes over.
And I rise from my iced bed…..and drift into the realm of life.
A partaker?
And invader……?
……………most likely neither….
I see the same old shadows around me.
The traces of angsty thoughts.
The spaces of absent friends.
This pathetic girl churning and burning into a hole inside herself.
And I sigh……
It's all so absurd.
Just……so absurd………
Why……dear Azar……Why can I not just grow out of it?
I want this week to end.
I know that now.
I want this to week…..but I know that to find solace in that….
…….is absurd.
I get 'dressed' for the day.
………
………
In my dreams.
In my angst.
And in the hollow spaces of my eyes.
….everything is all wandering the lengths of these cold, metal hallways.
It is almost funny how the frigidity of Titan's Tower has enveloped and embodied who I am.
It is interesting how I have learned to blend in.
Hovering in the corner with a book.
Wandering the darkest corners with a cup of tea.
A saucer….
I have learned to love these hallways more than my teammates.
Or at least….I have grown to give these cold labyrinths more respect.
Somehow……
Somehow………that all hurts me now….
The lack of reflections in the walls that I love.
The dead colors.
No yellow capes. No blue circuitry. No amber skin. No green hair.
Only and ever 'blue'.
The color that 'flees away' from the natural and reserved on the far end of the spectrum…..
It is what I've become.
It is what I've buried myself in.
I know that I was happy on occasion when this week of 'minding the Tower' began.
But somehow….the only trace memory that comes to surface for me now is……
Is just some girl wandering the cold, dead walls of metal.
Lost in blue.
Lost in……..
"…………………."
………
………
"Raven to the Teen Titans. Respond."
"…………………"
"This is Raven reporting from Titan's Tower. Titans, are you there?"
"…………………"
"Robin? Cyborg? If you are there, please respond."
"………………..Starfire? Beast Boy?"
"…………………………….Silkie?"
"……………………"
I sigh.
I lean back in the chair at the Titan's Computer and tiredly rub my temples with a stressful hand.
A beat….
I 'wrap' myself warmly in the cold folds of my blue robe and hood.
I fold my arms….hugging them towards my center…
And linger……………
This is stupid.
Stupid and pointless.
I haven't been able to contact them in two days.
And they are most likely engaged in Brother Blood or some other hassle in Steel City by now.
Robin would yell at me if I disturbed them in the middle of such important business solely because I was……I was………I w-was……
Well………
At least he'd yell at something.
But it doesn't change the fact that this is pointless.
The Titans have better things to do.
I sigh again.
I swivel around in the chair.
I stand up.
I walk across the Main Room.
They've got better things to do.
I walk past the kitchen counter.
Beyond any hope of making tea.
I've got better things to do……………
………
………
"Azarath Metrion Zinthos………Azarath Metrion Zinthos……Azarath Metrion Zinthos……..Azarath Metrion Zinthos…….Azarath Metrion Zinthos…."
I am meditating…
…
'Meditating.'
On top of Titan's Tower.
In the wind.
In the grayness.
I wonder to myself if the weather really did turn gloomy, or if it's just my thoughts manipulating what I see.
And then I am wondering why I am wondering.
And ultimately I realize that I shouldn't be wondering at all.
I should be meditating.
I should be….
"Azarath Metrion Zinthos………Azarath Metrion Zinthos……Azarath Metrion Zinthos……..Azarath Metrion Zinthos…….Azarath Metrion Zinthos…."
These are the words I have worked on and practiced all my life.
These are the phrases that put me at ease.
They are the paths by which I find my center and smooth out the erratic contours of myself.
And…..
And now…..
"Azarath Metrion Zinthos………Azarath Metrion Zinthos……Azarath Metrion Zinthos……..Azarath Metrion Zinthos…….Azarath Metrion Zinthos…."
……They are not working.
My brow furrows.
My lips tighten.
And my fingers—gracefully and meditatively posed…..twitch and sweat.
Why isn't this working?
What am I doing wrong?
I know what's distracting me.
At least I think I know.
But……
I'm stronger than this.
I am better.
I am………
I sigh.
There is a certain deflation to my levitating stance.
As it weighs on me….Hangs from me…
Like so many other things catching up to me this week.
Everything I have ever worked on or fined down into a hardened system of self control is now failing.
And it is an inescapably helpless place to be….when something that you have worked on for so long and placed so much of your own psyche and being into suddenly starts to fall and crumble apart.
And it makes you want to deny it….But it also forces you to analyze yourself.
And typically….the findings are hollow.
Empty.
Bodiless.
Formless.
What I am and what I have become……
It doesn't really belong out here in 'meditation', does it?
No……
It wants to be in those cold and dark hallways.
Without the Titans.
Without the colors.
Lost in blue…………
"Azarath Metrion Zinthos………Azarath Metrion Zinthos……Azarath Metrion Zinthos……..Azarath Metrion Zinthos…….Azarath Metrion………."
I inhale.
I sigh out.
"….Z-Zinthos……"
Silence……..
Pointless.
And the weather is awful.
I'm going in………
………
………
So what do I do?
Do I pour myself tea?
Do I wander the hallways?
Do I dig my nose into a book I've probably read before?
Anything and everything I have to choose to do only reminds me of myself.
And 'myself' is one of many things I would rather not deal with right now.
Everything I touch and everything I see reflects this failure in a blue robe and black leotard.
Even if the Titans were here…..
Even if……..
But their voices…..
Their voices are colorless….
Right……?
What would be the harm in that?
What would be the harm—
Bree! Bree! Bree! Bree!
I snap out of it.
I blink.
I find that I am standing before a pane of glass windows.
Staring out on the gray-swept City.
The Main Room surrounds me.
And….
The blaring noise of the Titan's Computer is going off.
All around me.
Bree! Bree! Bree! Bree!
I turn around—
No.
I spin.
A blinking and a twitching…..
I levitate towards the communication system like a slow motion dive.
Bree! Bree! Bree-CLICK.
"Titan's Tower. Raven speaking. Robin? Are you guys all r—erm…….Ahem…..Wh-What can I do for you?"
"Snkkkt—no, thsnkkksn't Robssnskkktt!"
"……….," I blink. "Hello?" I drone.
"Snnkkkt—Hold onsskskktkterence with ocean currsnkktkt!" Breeeee! BLIP! "There!"
A face flickers across the viewscreen of the Computer.
Long black hair.
Pale smooth skin.
Black eyes….
"…………," I blink. My blue optics narrow. "Aqualad….?" I drone.
"Oh, hey! 'Raven', is it?"
"Uhh…..yeah…."
"Pleasure to meet you again. Well…that is……TALKING to you again. I know that the last few times we met were under wilder circumstances. Dealing with Brother Blood and all that."
"Uh huh," I nod. "Erm….and speaking of Brother Blood, I'm kinda sorta minding the Tower while the rest of my team mates go out to handle the psychopath."
"Yeah, I know."
I do a soft double-take. "You know?"
"Robin's been calling around while he and the Titans have been doing their search of Steel City. I talked with Robin merely a few hours ago."
My eyes…..
Twitching?
Widening?
Waking finally out of the dead sleep of this morning?
"You……spoke with Robin in the last few hours?"
"Mmmmmhmm. Lemme guess, you've been trying to—"
"Contact the Titans, yeah."
"Right. I'm not the only one Robin's called. He and Cyborg have been trying to round up young superheroes to create an Eastern Team to ward off against Brother Blood and other creeps on the other side of the continent. He talked with Bumblebee shortly before calling me. You remember her? The spy who infiltrated Brother Blood's hideout the last time we all kicked his tail."
"Yeah, I guess….."
"Word is he's now calling Speedy and then some sibling crime-fighting group from Latin America. But anyways……that's sucking out the juice from their communication batteries. So after I got called, they asked if I could give you a ring and kinda update you and stuff."
"I see……," I adjust the robe over my head. As cold breath. I only 'half' look at him. "So……the Titans………they are…..they are okay?"
"Oh, definitely! They had a few scrapes with Brother Blood, but—"
"But?"
"………they're fine. They kicked butt. Wow, if I knew you were this worried, I would have suggested Robin send Starfire back to the Tower to check on you or something."
A jumping.
The heart?
Epidermal layer?
No……Ignore it.
"I'm fine. In fact, the whole Tower is fine. The City is fine and….and….."
"………………"
I look directly at the view screen. I raise an eyebrow. "Do I sound 'worried' to you?"
He shrugs, a smile. "I guess I'm just assuming. You are their teammate and all. And they're off to track down a real bad-news villain. It's really nice and unselfish of you to watch over the Tower by your lonesome and all, not to mention the City."
I hug myself. "Yeah, well—"
"Has that turned out to be a tough job so far?"
"Why are you curious? Are you going to report it to Robin since for some reason the Titans can't directly hear from me?"
Aqualad shrugs, looking a bit hurt. "N-No. I was just……ya know……"
I lean my head to the side….
"If things go the way Robin and Cyborg are predicting them, I might end up becoming a Titan soon, ya know."
"Yeah….."
Aqualad gestures. "It's good to check on each other. 'Scratch each other's backs'—as you surface dwellers say. But if you'd rather be on your lonesome, I understand. I should be signing off anyways—"
"N-NO!"
Aqualad jumps on the screen. "………I beg your pardon?"
I'm standing. My hood has fallen off. My fists are clenched.
I blink.
Did I just………?
"Raven?"
"Erm….th-that is….," my cheeks turn a bit rosy. "D-Don't sign off without….uhm….telling me about……..uhmmmm…..the projected plans of the Titans."
"I'm afraid I have no clue about that, Raven."
"Oh……….." My blue eyes trail off.
"But I can tell you about their recent exploits. In fact, that's kinda what Robin wanted me to share with you. But I felt as long as you were informed about their safety, that was more than enough."
"By all means……," I swallow and say gently. "You can inform me…."
"You sure? Cyborg said you might be busy meditating or sensing crime in the City or—"
"It's…..It's okay…..," my lips curve ever so slightly. With a shakey hand, I swivel the computer chair around. I sit in it and scoot forward, resting my elbows on the desktop. "………I have all the time in the world." I drone.
………
………
"……and so that's when Cyborg and Starfire grabbed Steamroller from behind and restrained him just long enough for Robin to fling…..erm……whatever those discs of his are called. Anyways, it was a 'freezing-disc', and it practically turned Steamroller into a statue that they could restrain long enough for the meta-crews to get there."
"Streamroller……."
"You're as perplexed as I am. You Titans have dealt with a 'Cinderblock' before, right?"
"Er……yeah."
"What is it with Titans and villains named after Construction iconography?"
"A question that Starfire has asked on many an occasion," I murmur. There is a teacup and saucer in my hand. I swivel the cup around on the tiny plate. The herbal tea swishes…
"I imagine that you're bored of explaining to her. What chance do I have?"
"It depends. Are you really, really curious about giant walking blocks of concrete?"
"Eh. I guess not. Heheheheheheheh. Thanks……"
"Hmmmmmmm," I take a sip. I look softly up towards him on the screen. "So what happened next?"
"Robin attempted interrogating Steamroller, while at the same time Cyborg took samples of evidence from the scene. I don't know how he does it, but with whatever tech that aids him, Cyborg found a connection to a Rock Quarry just north of Steel City. Beast Boy and Starfire went to check it out. They found a cache of weapons hidden with Brother Blood's name written all over it. There was a small scuffle with henchmen, but as soon as Robin and Cyborg joined in……the Titans kicked butt again. So far, so good. Steel City's been saved from terrorist tools voluminous enough to blow the place up three times over, and already a major henchman and several thugs have already been put behind bars. Your friends are doing wonderfully."
"And they say they need your help?"
"Well, not right now. But when they head on back, they say that a new team needs to be formed. That's where I'd come in."
"What do you think about that?"
"What does it matter what I think about it?"
"Well, everything, Aqualad."
"I'm not scared, if that's what you're insinuating."
"And I'm not," I drone. A sip of tea. "But…..leaving your Atlantis and stuff. You would be willing to go through with that?"
"I've helped round up just about every underwater villain you can think of. The seas have been safe for a long time. The only threats have been Trident and Brother Blood……but you Titans have been doing a good job on them, and I've long since owed you, so—"
"Making a move, huh?"
"I would very much like to."
"You sound like you would be a very good asset to the Titans' Legacy," I say. "Did you seriously defeat all the underwater villains?"
"Well………"
"Well what?"
"Not on my own. But yeah. It's pretty dull here, under the waves."
"Tell me about it."
"………Huh?"
I rest the teacup and saucer on the desktop and fold my hands in my lap. "Tell me about the times you were victorious, Aqualad."
"Ohhhh……heh heh heh………But you couldn't possibly bother about hearing that."
"Hmmmmmm," my lips curve ever so slightly. "Try me….."
………
………
"And so there we were. Aquaman, Aquagirl, and I………Surrounded by Black Mantis and his toxic minions……"
"Mmmmhmmm?"
"And Aquaman—as always—gets the bright idea of summoning a killer whale to ram a hole open in the trench beneath us, which—naturally—produced a jet of hot thermal current from a lava rift hidden beneath……"
"Naturally……"
"The hot currents start to boil the water all around us. Nobody is fast enough to outswim the heat……except the Killer Whale. And Aquaman's already made the thing swim over towards us. The three of us hitch a ride while Aquagirl kisses Black Mantis behind us goodbye."
"What ever happened to him?"
"You ever seen what happened to a lobster when you cook it alive?"
"I've heard it."
"Yeah, he screamed in his shell for quite a while. And when we came back and found him…………well…………what was left inside his suit to throw into Atlantean prison was too BURNED to commit more terrorism, much less want to."
"Ouch."
"Yeah. And I can't say the psychopath didn't deserve it. I hear that he's recovered from his burns. But now he spends everyday in prison making ocean bead necklaces. A shadow of the dark man he once was. Heh……isn't that poetic justice?"
"It's certainly poetic. But not so much just as it is……."
"Is what, Raven?"
"……….funny."
"Heheheheh…..yeah, it is funny. Heh heh heh heh!"
"Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm….."
………
………
"What's worse is that my 'first contact' was being caught in a fishing net."
"Snnlllpppptttpptt!"
"………? Raven, are you okay?"
"I am, but my tea isn't. Ahem….slppt….pffft. Nnngh…..Repeat what you just said?"
"I was caught in a fishing net."
"The first time you ever met surface dwellers?"
"Yeah. I wasn't embarrassed at the time, however. I thought I was caught in some deadly weapon of sorts. So……I-I wasn't so regretful when I saw the looks on the wet fishermen's faces."
"Wet? How'd they get into the water?"
"I telepathically asked a herd of sea lions to tip their boat over."
"Oh no……"
"Aquaman later understood me. I was simply trying to free myself, not cause a huge global war between Atlanteans and surface folk."
"What about the fishermen?"
"They didn't catch anything else that day…………And I had to get a haircut."
"Hmmm-hmmm-hmmm…."
"That's funny to you?.?.?"
"I seriously can't imagine your hair being any longer."
"Raven, I was ten at the time I was caught in the fishers' net."
"Your hair was long then too?"
"Yeah. Egads, it was wyrd. Aquaman would get me and Aquagirl mixed up a few times."
"Great Azar…..and still you grew it back?"
"Hey, I like it like this! Besides, Aquagirl decided during her teenage years to go with short-short hair."
"Cute….."
"By the way you dully say the word 'cute', I'm tempted to call that sarcasm."
"Get to know me."
"Heh heh heh………yeah, okay."
"I bet you and Aquagirl make an interesting pair."
"…………who says she's interested in boys?"
………
………
"And everytime she freaked out, she would demolish an lamppost or a building front with her powers. It took a long time, but we managed to calm her down some. But all the while, I had the hardest time flying in Starfire's body."
"Couldn't get a good wind?"
"Couldn't get happy enough."
"Awwwwww……"
"It wasn't too bad. When I learned to fly finally, I nearly ran into walls and stuff. She kinda got my powers down a lot better, admittedly."
"How hard can it be?"
"……………yeah. Good point….."
"It must be funky to be in somebody else's body."
"I didn't like the long hair quite so much."
"Hey!"
"Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm."
"Heheheheh."
………
………
"And…..well……I sealed him away. It's one thing to be imprisoned back into a book of magic, but I decided to hide him for good. There's no point in having the creep come back and exploit anyone else's life."
"I see. It must have been hard cleaning up after Rorek."
"It wasn't too bad. We've had the Tower beaten up before. Just…..n-not my room. I had the ceiling patched up, and Cyborg helped me with the insulation—"
"No, I mean……sounds like that Rorek guy hurt you petty bad."
"Hmmm? Oh…..pfft. I deal. We all deal."
"You're so sure about that?"
"I'm………….."
"……………Raven?"
"I'm sure."
"Well, that's good to hear. I can see why the Titans chose you."
"Hmmmm?"
"You're a woman of integrity."
"Eh……not really."
"Come on! You gotta be proud of at least ONE thing in your superheroic career!"
"Well?"
"I……..I keep the Tower clean….."
"Heh heh heh heh heh heh."
I sit back comfortably in the chair.
And….
I……………smile…..
………
………
"It's not that my friends annoy me, I guess. It's just that…..they could do more things of a calmer nature. It feels to me like they're always so jumpy and hyped up between fighting crime and bad guys. It's almost like they don't stop the adrenaline rush of tackling enemies at all in between bouts. It's a constant air of tension and antsy-ness in the Tower, and sometimes it positively drives me insane. I try to meditate and block it all out. But I can't. I've grown terribly used to it. And….And I'm not sure if that's something I'm proud of. But it certainly is something that….that….."
"Do you miss them, Raven?"
"………..," I blink at the screen. That one question. The way my rear end hurts from sitting so long. The shadows that have increased all around the room. The passing of time, and I've been here all the while. And now I am suddenly, gloriously numb. "I…….I…….Huh?"
"I said, do you miss your friends right now, Raven?"
"……………………," I bite my lip.
Beep! Beep! Beep!
Aqualad jumps on the screen. He whips out an Atlantean communicator. "Whoops!" he utters.
"'Whoops', what?"
"I just got word from Poseidonis. They need help calming a school of sharks along the underwater trade route. It'd be great if I lent a hand."
"Oh, right. I-I'm sorry for keeping you….."
"What? Oh, nothing. Besides……it's been fun talking to you, Raven."
"It's been…..," I wring my hands together where he can't see them. "…..f-fun?"
"Yeah. I didn't mind at all," he nods on the screen with a smile.
I exhale……..
"Raven?"
I sharply inhale.
"Y-Yeah?"
"We should continue this conversation again sometime. As long as you aren't busy or anything."
"……………"
"Just a thought. But I doubt you'd be interested—"
"It's……It's-It's-It's fine…..," I stutter. A crooked attempt to curve my lips upward. "I….uhm……Y-Yeah…….Yeah, Aqualad…..I would like to talk. Just…….I would like to talk….."
"Heh……Couldn't have said it better myself."
"I mean, if you're not busy—"
"Hey, sharks are sharks. Otherwise, don't feel afraid to give me a call."
I gulp. "You want me to--?"
"Probably better that way since you've got a stronger signal at the Tower."
"Ah…..Right. I hear you…."
"I wish you luck. And if I hear from your friends again, I'll let you know."
"Right……"
"So long, Raven?"
"Yeah….."
BLIP!
"…….so long…."
With a deflating breath, I fall back further in the seat. I stare at the blank screen. The blackness of it.
Slowly, I am drifting…turning….gazing out towards the wide windows of the Tower's Main Room.
"……………….whoah…."
It is dark outside.
Nighttime.
I have skipped the sunset altogether.
What was that?
Four hours?
Six?
It couldn't be…..
Could it?
I know as soon as I stand up.
"Nnnngh…."
My legs are like cracked, rusted iron. They ache. And I can't feel my rear end for the life of me.
And I'm hungry.
And I'm thirsty.
And I'm……warm.
"Dear Azar….I've never felt so dead…."
It's true. So very true.
Only…..I almost like it.
This 'dead'ness.
For when you're dead, the glimpses of life are all that more rewarding.
And fulfilling.
And I didn't even ask it.
I didn't even try to indulge.
I just……received.
And all the shadows and all the lacking colors and all the cold aura of the Tower……
It is no longer the same slayer of little girls with blue hair and blue robes.
It is the ever-real night. Something that I have dealt with and made peace with before.
I may be deluded….I may be deceived…
But I am….
I am happy….
My legs still hurt.
So rather than walk, I float into the kitchen.
Lighter than air.
I may or may not be smiling.
I don't care.
I don't care anymore, I just….
….live.
………
………
After dinner and a shower, I decide to go to bed early.
Why?
In the last two nights, I haven't truly slept.
True, I was in bed.
I was under the covers.
But there was no drifting away.
No solace.
No peace.
Tonight……
Tonight, I feel like I can truly sleep again.
Why?
An antidote.
A cure.
A spoonful of life….humanity…camaraderie.
Cheap? Maybe. But I didn't ask for the solace that now drips over me.
He seemed so natural when talking to me.
Can I really be someone that personable?
Can people really be comfortable when talking to me?
If Aqualad……then……
………my friends as well?
He is but a stranger to me, yes.
And he doesn't really know me, yes.
But for once……I didn't try to be myself.
Everything I failed at—the meditation and the centering of myself—it served to support me all the same.
Maybe this is the way things are meant to be?
A social-psychological reboot of my psyche?
I have no clue.
Maybe I am not supposed to have a clue.
I put on my nightgown.
I deflate into the covers.
They are cool.
They are inviting.
And over time—like a surprise—they warm me.
And—I swear on the book of Azar—this is the most peaceful I have felt in years.
The traces of fear are still there.
The edginess of my lonely debacle.
My gloomy fate.
But what is peace?
What is peace….without the advent of anguish?
I am indeed….truly alive….
I turn out the light. I snuggle into the covers. I shut my violet eyes, and my lips remained curved and liquid….
Maybe tomorrow……
Maybe tomorrow, Aqualad will call.
And we can talk.
And maybe……just maybe……
When the Titans come back………
Starfire and I can go shopping…………
Or Cyborg and I can go out for a drive………
Or Robin could tell me some more of his Gotham exploits.
Or Beast Boy could fill me in on his short-lived acting career.
For a moment I shudder.
I turn under the covers, rest my head, and return to that soft…snuggly serenity.
Okay……
Maybe not Beast Boy……
I sigh.
Happily sigh….
And die a temporary death into the solacing night.
Thank you, Thursday………