I am walking through the Tower.

Down a dimly lit hallway.

In all honesty...I do not know which floor...

My nose and the eyes above its bridge are stuck within the pages of Faulkner.

As I drift and I drift and I drift and I drift...

I am not even aware of the door opening just to my left until I hear Starfire's shriek:

"EEP!" She jumps within the frame of the door to her bedroom.

There is a clattering of things hitting the floor. Some things that fell from Starfire's arms, and my book.

"...is everything okay?" I drone.

"I am exceedingly sorry, friend Raven," Starfire nervously smiles and goes about picking up my book and her belongings. "You scared me. That is all."

"I seem to be good at doing that these days."

She picks up and hands me back my book. "May I inquire where you were headed?"

"Somewhere halfway between the sound and the fury," I take my book and flip through the pages. "Why?"

"I was wondering if you were considering the possibility of assisting me with the distribution of toys to the orphanage in downtown!"

"I did my volunteer work last week," I murmur. "Remember when I came back home smelling like fecal matter?"

She makes a face and averts her eyes from me. "Erm..."

"That was me...doing 'distribution'...at the orphanage," I say with a slight visual pulsating of my temple. A calming breath. I flip through a few pages and further murmur: "Next time Robin suggests I try helping orphans 'clean up their room', he should specify that the 'room' really means 'lavatory'."

"I am sorry for such an unfortunate experience on your behalf...," Starfire stammers with somber sympathy. And then she switches into vicious joy as she utters: "But would it not be joyful to bless such younglings with gifts of Christ of the Mass? Is it not the time for wintry holiday cheer on your planet?"

I gaze out a distant window. A distant window fogged with frost and ice from the snow gale outside.

"Uhhh...Star? In my world...it's always 'cold'." I glance at her with a slight curve to my lip. "It keeps me from noticing the real change in season and thus freezing my fanny off."

"Hehehehehe...'fanny'..."

"...why don't you ask Beast Boy or Robin to go?"

"I already have. And Beast Boy has thusly volunteered. And now, if I can just employ him in carrying the excess toys to the orphanage, the ceremony shall begin forthwith!"

"So is that what you were carrying when I startled you?"

"Most of it! You see, they are most exquisite toys and--"

I see something behind her. Inside Starfire's bedroom. Located upon the round, pink bed.

I see that something...

...and I blink.

"Uhhh...Star?"

"Hmm? Yes, Raven?"

"...," I squint my violet eyes and point. "What's that?"

"...what is what?"

"That thing...on your bed."

"Erm...what th-thing are you referring to?"

"...that blue thing."

"Errr..." THWOOOSH! Starfire drops the toys again in a mad attempt to block my vision into her room. She smiles and shuts her eyes while sweatdropping. "It is merely nothing! I have grown an admiration for the color blue found in many of Earth's environmental anomalies and I have taken it upon myself to add such a hue to the fashion of my domain--EEP!"

THWOOSH! I have shoved her aside and am now marching into her room with a perplexed frown. A perplexed frown that turns into a freaked-out frown. A freak-out frown that swiftly turns into confused immobility. "Starfire...this...this is a doll..."

She crawls halfway up to her feet. "Yes...erm...well...so it is a d-doll...eh heh heh..."

I spin and hold the gangly blue thing by its short-haired head. "...of me!.!.!"

Indeed, in my grasp dangles a frighteningly proportion, plush-skinned fascimile of myself. Complete with short blue hair with combing features. An aqua-marine cloak. A black leotard. And a fashionable belt.

"...are you c-certain that looks like you?" Starfire stupidly meanders.

"Starfire...what in Azar's name is this?"

"It is...erm...," she sits up and fumbles. Her cheeks rosy as her hands wring in each other's grasp. "... toy..."

"I can see that...," I gnash my teeth. "But for all intents and purposes, it is a toy...that looks like me...sitting on your bed..."

"But surely you see that she is not alone!"

"...she?"

Starfire points.

I turn and look. I blink.

There are four other dolls on the bed. A petite green elf with furry, pointed ears. An amber-skinned alien with silky hair strands. A squishy half-robot with soft plastic plates. And a spike-haired hero with a terry-cloth yellow cape.

"...it's like Saturday Morning Voodoo," I murmur.

"Are they not the most adorable little golems you have ever laid your eyes upon?.?.?" Starfire enthusiastically sashays about the bed and hugs all four plush idols at once. "And they are so soft and so child-friendly!"

"...lemme guess. You made them."

The alien girl shakes her head. "Negative. Have you not seen the merchandising line?"

"Merchandising-whatsit?"

"Hark!" she points beyond my shoulder."

I turn around. I jump. "Dah!"

There are crates upon crates of packages marked 'Teen Titans Friends' lined up along the femininely embroidered edge of Starfire's domain.

"How in the world did you fit all these into your room?" I pace past the ensemble in numb perplexion.

"I was granted assistance by Cyborg," Starfire floats up. "And I am now employing as many of my friends as possible in relocating these to the orphans' domain."

"THESE are the toys that you are giving to the orphans?" I glare awkwardly at her.

"Erm...affirmative. Did you not know, Raven? The manufacturing company gave us dozens of free samples so that we may promote good-will to the wintry masses! Is that not wonderful?"

"...sounds like a pathetic way to earn a buck to me."

"Awww...but I assure you, my interests are genuine! I am more concerned with the joy of these lonely orphans than I am with acquiring for myself a male deer."

"Is that why you have five opened dolls lying on your bed?" A beat. I again hold the strangled little 'Raven' up by the neck. "Including me?.?.?"

"Please, friend Raven!" Starfire pouts and gently takes the doll from me like it is an infant. She cradles it with a smile. "These toys are more than mere products of synthetic fiber materials. They are built with loving care and made so especially soft for nightly companionship with deserving children!" Lost in the moment, she nuzzles her cheek with the pale face of the plushie sorceress. "Hehehe! This model is especially sewn together!"

"...," I stare lethargically at her. "...Starfire, you've slept with me?" I drone.

"Erm...you've slept with my doll?"

"I have tested all of them..."

"'Tested'?"

"And they are certainly accomplishing in the tasks for which they were crafted!" Starfire beams and hands the blue-haired little imp back to me. "Here! You must try for yourself!"

"...you want me to sleep with a doll...of me..."

"D-Does that bother you?"

"Starfire...," I sigh and wave. "Thank you but...no. Besides, it's in the middle of the day and I have things to do--"

"So have I!"

PL-PLANT!

The 'Raven' doll is shoved into my gut.

"Nnnngh!" I grab onto it and wince. My head follows the alien girl. "St-Starfire?

"Do look after it while I venture to tend to the orphans!" The girl sing-songs as she waltzes over, graces a crate with her girlish hands, and lifts the hulking object up with little strain. SWOOSH! "It shall require Beast Boy and I a few trips! But such is worth it--snow or not. For these younglings deserve attention!"

"And I deserve sanity," I grumble and dangle the pathetic doll by its little leg. The blue cloak and air dangle upside down. I'm suddenly glad that I don't wear a skirt...or that it doesn't wear a skirt...erm... "Starfire...Take. The. Doll."

"I am unable to comply! For I must make haste to the orphanage before nightfall further blots out the light amidst a blizzard!" SWOOOSH! "ENJOY!"

"STARFIRE!"

She's gone...

"Nnnnnngh...," I fume. I take a few breaths...compose myself meditatively...and shuffle out into the hallway with Faulkner in one hand and a dangling little 'me' in the other. I pause while in the passage. I look at the doll. "..." With a flick of the wrist, I toss it unceremoniously into a nearby garbage can.

Thwomp!

"And stay there...," I turn my shoulder to the trashed little Raven and walk off...reentering Faulkner. "...good girl."

My pacing feet must equally be finding themselves lost in the streams of consciousness of the novel in my grasp.

For a good few countless minutes pass...

And I find myself at my room.

And I freeze in my walk.

For at the bottom of the very door to my room...

The same doll sits in waiting. Gazing up at me with marble eyes.

"What in the name of Azar?" I blink. I squint my violets.

There is a note lying next to the doll.

I pick it up.

I scan across the elaborately written words.

Dear Raven,

How horrid of you to leave such a wondrous doll in the Terran can of refuse! I implore you to take better care of your effigy from now on! Does she not possess a face in beautiful approximation to that of your own? My doll is almost equally pretty. Perhaps they can become friends like we have become friends! Do not these silly concepts make light of our own tempestuous lives? It is a glorious thing. Have a wonderful evening, friend Raven.

Sincerely,
Starfire

"...schizophrenia goes beyond the asteroid belt, I see..."

I crumple the note up.

I raise the Raven doll in my grasp.

I stare at it.

"...feh."

I hold it by its hair caveman style as I march into my room.

I close the door behind me.

I gently, carefully slide Faulkner back in his respective spot on the bookshelf.

I limply toss the doll onto the dresser top.

THWOMP!

I stretch.

I crack the joints in my limbs and stifle my urge to yawn.

I look out the window and spot the graying light of the snow.

Evening time falls early.

I feel like all I do these days is sleep.

All the better...death is meant to be practiced for...

I make my usual bee-line for my bathroom.

I pause.

I glance back at the dresser.

My little self glances back upside down.

Its marble eyes glistening.

"...you're such a pathetic waste of marketing," I mutter.

I imagine all the companies I can plausibly sue for the stuffed marsupial's little existence...

But I shrug it off, gather my things, and engage in a relaxing shower.

Afterwards...

Drying off...

Brushing my hair...

Slipping into a nightgown...

I sit in a chair and curl up to a book. Hemingway, this time...

I read and I read and I read...

Aided by candle light.

Silhouetted against the window of drifting gray snow in the background.

I pause to yawn a few times.

The pages start to blur.

The fine amber line between being alive and being dead summons me to sleep.

I close the book and I gaze across the room.

Blinking...

And I find the beady-eyed little doll staring back at me.

"...you're still a pathetic waste of marketing."

Thwap!

I close Hemingway.

I put him back in his place.

I shuffle over to the candles and blow them out one by one.

Fantasizing about tomorrow morning...

A day off, hopefully...

Tea...blueberry muffins...

Fitzgerald...

The last candle is extinguished.

I welcome the darkness.

The cold of the wintry world outside suddenly stabs my feet and ankles and wrists and arms.

My extremities quiver with the familiarity of frigidity.

I think about the cold concrete temples of Azar...

The sheets of Spirit Silk...never to be found in any other dimension...

How cold my beds felt in that world. They were made to feel like a crypt. To further distance the illusions of warmth, life, hope...

Every emotion that leads to a passion that could draw open the doorway for my father...

I remember the last question I ever made as a 'little girl'. My instructors had finished convincing me as to the necessity of keeping me separated from my mother. The dangers of emotional attachment. And in being guided across the streets of Azar...from temple chamber to temple chamber...

I often saw little ones with their guardians...

And a select few of them carried small stuffed animals and toys along with them...

'Could I have one that looks like my mother?' I asked. 'Since she and I are not allowed to be together?'

'No' they said. 'The chosen one must not touch or feel. Not even an idea.'

"..." I take a deep breath.

I kick off the memories as soon as I kick my feet off the ground and slide into bed.

Yes, it seems that all I'm doing these days is sleeping.

But...

It's what I've always been doing in my life.

Sleeping alone.


This cold...this crypt...

Have I learned to love it?

I pull the covers over me...

But it all feels so freezing now.

I know that a long day of fighting crime and dealing with the eccentricities of these moronic teammates of mine usually tires me to the point that...

Reaching this part of the day normally relaxes me.

But...

All I can do now is shiver.

For I am no longer Raven the Titan.

I am the chosen one.

The lone daughter being hauled from temple chamber to temple chamber.

Sharing glances with confused children under the arms of their guardians.

Never touching.

Never feeling.

For Angela the Pure is forever immaculate for her sacrifice...

My body shivers, but my breath comes out in a long and weighted wind.

I close my eyes...but it feels like a frost has formed on the inside of the lids.

I think the funniest thing all of the sudden...frighteningly funny...

For a moment, I wonder if Starfire has gotten herself stuck in the blizzard.

But I swiftly remind myself that her people can even survive in the void of space without a mishap.

And for some reason, that thought--laced with the faint remaining ring of her voice in my head--warms me enough to stop shivering.

And I allow myself that sinful glance...

That transgression of a darting eye across my room...towards my dresser...

Where a pair of beady eyes look pathetically back at me.

It is less than ten minutes later...

That I am again lying down in bed.

But I'm not alone...

I'm snuggling up besides myself.

Happily hooked within the frame of a pale arm.

"Mmmmmmmmmm...," I exhale as I cuddle into a silly warmth impossibly placed between myself and the doll. "...I am soft..."

I sleep the comfiest I have in months.

Save for when I wake up in the morning.

My lips hurt...as if having performed an expression I am not proficient at...

All through the night.