Beast Boy asks me these days--more commonly than not--about when I lost my 'shyness'.
Hearing this from him naturally assumes that I was ever definitively 'shy' to begin with.
But then again...with Beast Boy...
Life is almost always about assumptions.
But I have to admit that--early on in the annals of our team--there was a certain threshhold that I possessed. And at some point, that threshhold was crossed. Exactly when and for what reasons, I canot now surmise. But there was a time when I realized--on my own and with personal judgment--that I had become exactly that which I did not want to be.
A monster.
Well...
That is far too melodramatic. My mother would have my neck for that...as lovingly as she could ever 'have someone's neck'.
I became less than a desirable roomate. There you have it.
And...
It is truly unfair to the Titans. Unfair to who and what they are. For it is not like they truly mean or desire to impose upon me with their individual quirks or ways of living or enjoying life.
I just happen to be the sort of person to easily clash...And to clash with 'sparks'.
I wonder if there are a lot of people like me in this world. If there are, I am certainly blind to them. Most likely because I have reduced my vision to that which is allotted within the aura of my teammates. That is both a good and bad thing. A good thing because--as limited my exploits--I live in a realm of trust and companionship. A bad thing because--I only have myself to judge. For neither Robin, Beast Boy, Terra, Starfire, or Cyborg are quite like me. And that should not be to their detriment...just because I have nothing beating and bleeding to bounce myself off against.
Which is rather quite fine. I have always been happy within the framework of myself. Perhaps that is what Beast Boy thinks about when he uses the label 'shyness'. But I'm inclined to believe he's referring to the awkwardness it took for me to make the transition from uncertain sorceress...
To incompetent demoness...
Robin constantly insists that I must not be so hard on myself, especially with labeling. What motivates the Titan Leader to pay me such attention and respect is...rather questionable. If it wasn't for his strong companionship with Starfire, I might question his motives. But I suppose there is a faith that he holds in me that none of the other Titans possess--or at least are far too afraid and uncomfortable around me to possess.
And what is the reason for such discomfort and fear?
One does not intimidate friends by being 'shy'...
But rather the opposite.
Or at least something akin to the opposite...more-or-less deposited along the residual side of things.
The soonest I became adept to this world and its fragility...
I...
I turned bitter...
For I started to see less and less of the darkness of the world...
And more and more of the darkness inside.
And it was rather insulting.
This world, full of so much sin and murder and hate and greed and lust...
It pales in comparison to the evil that I harbor.
And the soonest I grew to taste that...I grew bitter and resentful...
As if the world should have known better than to surrender itself so ignorantly into the fiery jaws of wrath that has spit me forth onto this domain.
Stupidity has long been a sense that I have resented. And--perhaps--I took it upon myself to transfer a fear of blatant stupidity to everyone and everything around me.
I've always known that I was and am alone.
But with the Titans...
With the Titans I feel alone...
I bring the same fate that distinguishes me from them.
That distinguishes their suffering...and yet simultaneously distinguishes my immortality...
My guilt...Their pain...The future...
So...
I guess I've been shy about it.
From the beginning, I've been shy...
For I did not want them to know even an iota of the curse they would be tasting of by so much as sharing the same atmosphere as me...
Then I've been resentful...for I envied them for their ignorance and their joyous lack of understanding...
And now...
Now I am angry.
Angry at myself for allowing myself to pervert what should have been a natural form of meditation and solitude...
...into something of venomous spite.
And, so, I have become shy again.
For whether or not my friends know it...
I seek their forgiveness.
I seek their forgiveness...even before I've hurt them...
Before they learn what it is that both empowers me and weighs me down...
Outside of understandings, there are only assumptions, and such is the playing field where Beast Boy--deservingly or not--chooses to roam in.
I should not hate him for that.
And yet...I cannot risk getting closer to him or any of the other Titans because...
Because I know it will all be for nothing.
Nothing but pain.
And for that reason, I again have grown quiet.
I have...become 'shy'...
And if it will rest their hearts, may it be the only truth they must suffer by...
The least suffering of all...