Gently

19. Baby Steps

One of the hardest things about being with Bucky, Clint realised, was that he very rarely actually got to be with Bucky. Sure, they had their moments together – when the range was empty, sometimes in the gym, eating late lunches or later dinners, movie nights where Steve and whoever else left early because they weren't such night birds – but they were few and far between, not to mention fleeting and somewhat restrained, never going beyond kissing and innocent, tentative touches. As a sniper, Clint knew the art of patience, but even sharpshooters had ends to their tethers.

"I get it, I do," he told Bucky the night he decided to finally say something. "Things were different back in your day, you couldn't act in the open, or whatever. But you've seen the world change. You've changed with it. Is it so hard to just…"

Bucky narrowed his eyes at him. "Just what?" he challenged. "You're right, I saw the world change, but do you think I was allowed to agree with the changes that took place? That I even wanted to?"

Clint blinked. "But…"

"I was Russian, Clint. Pretty much Communist. If I ever had a preference as to whether I preferred kissing dames or guys, which one do you think they'd have let stay in my head? Assuming, of course, they would've even let me have an opinion on the matter."

Sighing, Clint scratched the back of his head. A small distance had opened up between them on the couch, a distance that had just moments ago been virtually non-existent. "But now you do, Bucky. And I don't… You've managed to roll with everything else that's 'new' to you. What's stopping you with this? With us?"

He swallowed, ducking his eyes. "Are we really an 'us'?"

"I want to be."

Bucky cursed softly, looking as if he was trying not to check the door over his shoulder. "You say you understand."

"You don't think I do?"

"That's not my point." Clint waited, and he continued. "Maybe… Maybe you do understand, but I don't. I don't understand how you're so…" He gestured vaguely as he sought out the word. "Calm. Relaxed. So…"

"Open?" Bucky nodded, and he smirked. "The phrase is 'being out'," he explained, offering his hand to the other man. Bucky blinked at it for a second before hesitantly reaching out with his own, and Clint held on gently. He stroked his thumb over Bucky's knuckles, rough and defined from countless fights, trying to get him to relax just a fraction. "It wasn't easy," he admitted. "You always worry about how people will react – friends mostly, in my case. I kinda knew what Barney would do, so I held off for as long as I could there. He's still a bit… Well, let's just say he keeps his opinions to himself now, but he still has them. But, yeah, I was nervous. Thought maybe S.H.I.E.L.D would see it as a reason not to take me on. Know what, though? It was kind of like ripping off a band aid in the end. All that worry for just a second or two of discomfort. I'm glad I did it. You know these people now, Buck, they wouldn't give a damn if you preferred dames or guys."

"Steve might."

"Bullshit. You're talking about the man who did everything he could to make sure his best friend was included in S.H.I.E.L.D the moment he got you back. He argued against dozens of reasons for your exclusion from most of society; even if being gay was one of them it wouldn't have stopped him."

Bucky rolled his eyes. "Okay, so you're… out, or whatever, and everyone's fine with that. But so are you. I'm –" He looked down at their hands, still fitted together between them. "I've got ninety years of 'this is wrong' screaming at me every time we… do stuff. How can I be… out outside if I'm not out inside? Or something like that, I don't know."

Taking a few seconds to work out exactly what Bucky was saying, Clint huffed quietly and smiled. "Okay, so maybe I didn't really understand as well as I thought," he admitted. "But in answer to your question: we make you comfortable inside first, then work on making you comfortable 'outside'."

"How?" Bucky asked warily.

Leaning closer, Clint tightened his grip on Bucky's hand. "Slowly," he whispered, pressing their lips together chastely. "Or in one big go." The next kiss was not so chaste, and he waited until he felt Bucky respond before dialling it down a bit. He pulled away with a final kiss to the back of his hand. "It's your band aid, Bucky. You choose how fast to pull it off."

He was startled when Bucky laughed. "Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds?"

Clint shrugged. "I can be ridiculous sometimes."

The ex-assassin stared at their hands again, moving his thumb carefully across the back of Clint's hand as if experimenting. "My pace, huh?" he mumbled.

"Yeah. Can't run before walking."

He nodded, then chewed his bottom lip. "When, uh… When I'm ready to… Can it be Steve first?"

Grinning, Clint said, "You know I was already assuming that, right?"

Bucky stared at him, then reached across with his free hand and smacked him lightly on the shoulder (as lightly as one could with a metal limb, anyway). "Ass." Clint just laughed. "Can I kiss you?"

Clint pulled him forward. "Don't have to ask anymore, old man." Against a grumble about being called an old man, he closed the distance again, but followed Bucky's lead on the kiss. Though not as deep as he wanted, it lasted longer than he was expecting – a positive sign if ever there was one – and when it was over, they stayed as they were, with Bucky half-sprawled on top of him, their feet linked at the other end of the couch.

It was Bucky who started up the conversation again – still cautiously, but Clint was pleased he wasn't hiding away from the subject like he usually did with topics he wanted to avoid. "About being out."

"Coming out."

"What?"

"Ripping the band aid off. It's known as coming out."

"Okay then. About that."

"… Yeah?"

"Can we not…" Bucky rubbed his head, eyes not quite meeting Clint's. "I mean, I know how couples act with each other and everything, but… Stark and his girl, he's very, uh –"

"Do not use Tony Stark as a PDA role model."

"'PDA'?"

"Public Displays of Affection." Clint rolled his eyes. "Seriously, am I gonna have to explain everything to you now? I thought you had Steve for that."

Bucky smiled as he dropped a kiss to Clint's forehead. "It's not Steve I want to be with." Clint knew then that he'd wait as long as he had to.

AN: Prompt: "Culture Clashing between the two about being out and PDAs?"

Hope I got it okay... I have absolutely no idea what it's like to come out to people, so I tried my best to get the feelings around that at least a little bit in the right direction.