I wonder if maybe, maybe I could be
All you ever dreamed

Alex paced around her small cell. Pacing was not something she did before but with the absence of anything else she found it was all she could do. The only thing that would stop her from going crazy. She wasn't sure how long exactly she had been in SHU, time kept no meaning in here. The only measure of some kind of time were the three trays that came through the door each day. Using the trays as a measure of time, she had worked out that she'd spent almost a week already in the tiny box. During that week she had paced and done more push-ups and sit-ups than she had ever done before. The heavy workout regime was taking it's toll on her body though, especially with the lack of food in her system. Alex made a point to only eat every other day, she wasn't stupid enough to starve herself but she wasn't going to torture herself by eating the crap they served in SHU everyday either. As a result of this, Alex spent all the time that she wasn't pacing or working out trying to regain her strength so she could move onto her next set. Alex was sure that she was going to be ripped by the time they let her out of here. As she lay on her bed, staring up at the bright light on the roof of her cell she thought about her life. Every singular choice she had made and what she would have done differently. By the time she had regained enough energy to being her workout again she had about 5 different scenarios for every major event in her life. As much as Alex had made a point not to dwell on her past before, she couldn't help but think about the past as she lay in here. She knew it was destructive and she ended up hating herself by the time she was able to stand again. Completely isolated from the rest of the world, the isolation she had felt in the main prison was nothing compared to in here. Her dorm was like Times Square compared to SHU.

The guards allowed Alex to have a book, she was surprised that her request had been listened too, she managed to replace some of her thinking time with reading. That did her mind wonders, at least until she finished it that is. There are only so many times you can read through the same book that you only finished the food tray before. Another 21 trays came and went before the guard came to her cell to take her back to the main prison. She had been in there for two weeks, surrounded by crazy. Alex knew by the way her clothes hung from her figure that she had lost weight. However, she also knew that she had gained some real muscle so she didn't feel too bad. The fresh air felt strange as she stepped out of the building and started to walk towards the van, she hadn't remembered it to feel so pure before. She greeted Morello with a warm yet tired smile as she sat down. The woman didn't talk to her as she drove her back, obviously sensing that Alex just wanted some peace away from the constant scream and endless noise of SHU.

Alex was relived to find that they hadn't moved her bunk and she was allowed to return to her normal prison life straight away, she was thankful that they had taken off that god-awful cast the day after she was put into SHU. The prospect of washing and folding clothes all day had never sounded more appealing to her. Morello informed Alex that she had ten minutes to settle back in before lunch and then left her to do her own thing. Alex sat down on her bunk and welcomed the sight of the open space around her, she had never been so glad to see the walls around her.

"I heard you were back." Piper's voice said gently, carefully.

"Yup." Alex replied simply, not really sure where she currently stood with Piper.

"I missed you."

"Missed you too, kid." Piper smiled at that and told her she would see her at lunch. Alex just nodded.

Thinking about eating made Alex feel nauseous after experiencing the food in SHU, she hadn't eaten for almost two days now and she thought she should probably at least try to eat. She sauntered into the room five minutes later, eyes scanning the room. She saw Pennsatucky first, her face still held the purple bruise that Alex had blessed her with. Her eyes landed on Nicky next and she headed toward the suburbs table to sit next to her bushy haired friend.
"Oh hey Vause, you ain't getting any food?" Nicky asked, mouth full of her own.

"Charming." Alex muttered at the sight and then shook her head, "SHU took my appetite for a while."

Nicky nodded at that and turned her attention back to her own food. There was something about the way that she was literally shovelling the food into her mouth that made Alex feel uneasy, Nicky didn't normally eat that badly. Despite her own feelings, Alex stayed quiet and turned her attention to looking around the canteen; she wasn't sure exactly what she had been expecting to find. She was only gone for two weeks, the world had survived without her. The world that was Litchfield anyway. She sighed and looked over towards Pennsatucky again, the hick seemed unusually quiet and Alex hoped that meant she would leave them alone now. Surely she couldn't afford another beat down, she already looked weak before Alex had hit her. Alex looked down at her own arm, noting the how skinny it seemed but also noting the defined muscle that was there from all of her hard work. As she sat on the table in silence she flexed and unflexed her arm, recording the movements her muscles made as she did each. It seemed it wasn't hard to amuse herself now. She supposed SHU would do that to anyone, stay in there long enough and even basic things end up seeming foreign. Conversation was strange just as the sound of her voice was. The noise in the canteen was different from the one Alex had grown used to in the last two weeks but she knew it wouldn't take her long to readjust again. The years of travelling and staying just about anywhere and everywhere had done that to her. It was only when Alex felt eyes burning into her that she looked up from her arm and at Nicky again, who was now glaring at her.

"Jesus, Alex. Have you even been listening to me?" She complained.

"Hmm?" Alex asked, confused. She hadn't realised Nicky had even opened her mouth to talk she had been so busy eating.

"I SAID me and Morello are back on, but you missed the great story of how it happened." Nicky pretended to pout, it was rather convincing and Alex assumed that it must be a rich girl thing. Piper was a master at doing it too.

"Oh. Right. Well, good." Alex replied, seeming to lose all conversational power that she had previously possessed. You'll adjust, she reminded herself. Piper came and sat down next to them, bumping arms with Alex as she did. She looked pointedly down at the empty space in front of Alex and made a disapproving face.

"Why aren't you eating?" Piper asked in a 'you should be eating and i'm going to kick your ass for not eating' kind of way. It made Alex smile.

"I did eat," Alex begun. "I just ate so fast that you missed it. They don't call me fast finger just for my prowess in the bedroom, you know." Alex kept a straight face as Nicky laughed beside her. Piper glared at Alex but couldn't conceal her smile completely. She had missed her.

"Your prowess in the bedroom? Please." Piper scoffed, playing along.

"I didn't hear you complaining." Alex retorted, raising a brow. "All I could hear you saying was something like 'oh Alex! You're so ama-'" Alex was cut off mid-sentence as Piper slammed her hand over her mouth, the tips of her ears a rosy red. Alex grinned at her win and licked Piper's hand so she would move it off of her mouth.

"Oh man, you two. One minute you're ready to rip each others throats out and the next you're just back to normal. Must be a dyke thing." Nicky commented sarcastically as she stood and dumped her tray. She returned just as Morello sat down and the two started their own whispered conversation. Alex smiled gently, she was glad that Nicky was happy again. She knew that she had been pretty cut up about losing Morello at first, Alex knew firsthand how it felt when something like that happened to you. When you had to see that person everyday. At least she and Morello had been able to conjure up some kind of friendship. Alex looked back at Piper. They had never been able to do that, they had never been friends. They would never be able to be friends. Alex reached over and enclosed Piper's hand in her own, intertwining their fingers, Litchfield was hell Alex thought; but Piper made hell feel like home. Alex watched Piper eat one handedly now and felt settled for the first time in a while, she regained some confidence in Piper that maybe she really would stick to her decision now. Alex wouldn't let Piper slip through her fingers again. If Piper wanted to settle down and nest then they would, if she wanted to travel the world without the restrictions of Alex's job then they would. Anything Piper wanted Alex would give it to her. God knows she still had enough money to do it. The feds might have found everything she had stored in the US and emptied a few of her bank accounts but she still had millions hidden all around the world. She had paid enough to have kept them secure, there would be no way she would go back to being poor. She couldn't bare to go back to that life, not after seeing what it did to her mom.

Alex wouldn't be able to return to work till tomorrow so after lunch she went back to her bunk, found a pen and some paper and sat there. She wanted to write, but she didn't know what she wanted to write. She could write about the life she would be living right now if she wasn't in prison. She could write about the life she would have lived with her mom, she could write about the life she could have lived with Piper if she hadn't left that fateful day in Paris. But she didn't. That was just another path to self-destruction, Alex reminded herself. Suddenly, it came to her what she wanted to write.

"You hear me far-off, my voice does not reach you.
Let me be calmed, then, calmed by your silence." - Pablo Neruda

Piper,
I don't know what to write really. All I know is that I want to write to you. I don't particularly know how Pablo got into my head, I think I remember you reading that line to me when we were on our balcony in London. It was a little haunting, grey skies and rain pouring down from the sky whilst we lay under the shelter. I remember you talking about how it meant to much by saying so little. You thought it reflected us, at the time I couldn't see how but I think I finally understand. Our silence was our understanding, whether it be about my work or unspoken love. There was never true silence behind our silence because it always meant something. Even in the ten years where we didn't talk I still believe it held some meaning. You were never far from my thoughts, Pipes.

We both know that I'm not great when it comes to talking about love and feelings. I know that it's something you seem to excel at. I want you to know that my love for you has always been infinite. When you left me in Paris... I felt like the whole world was moving and I was standing still. Before it was me who moved the world and then it was me and you. I never payed any attention to time, I feel stupid for not realising that back then our time had been limited. Because of me, because of my work and my belief that I could have everything I wanted and more without any consequence for how I got it. Remember that song you loved? World Spins Madly On by The Weepies? And how I made fun of you for liking it, it resonates with me now. I see now what it meant.

"Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn"

And I did, didn't I? I slept right through it all. All the time I could have spent loving, cherishing and making sure you knew that I loved you I spent on the phone or on my laptop. Organising the next job. I'm so sorry Piper. This wasn't meant to be a depressing letter. I just need to tell you all of this because most of the time I can't find the words. It's hard to sort through the darkness in my head long enough to land on something concrete. You're the light in the dark here Piper, you're there to guide me home. I act first and think later, I know it's my Achilles Heel. That weakness led me to you though, my weakness for young, pretty, goodie-two-shoes looking girls led me right to you and I don't think there is enough time left on this Earth for me to thank it enough for that. Maybe it would be better for me to address my next letter as 'Dear my True Love." Jesus, when did I get so sappy?
You're the one for me Piper. I realise now what I should have realised all those years ago, I am nothing without you. Just a broken memory bent out of shape. I will do anything for you, whatever you want we will do it. Kids, house in the suburbs with a white picket fence, doing X on cambodia with three strangers in drag or just the beach. Anything you want, you will have. I'm never going to let you go again and the next time you try to walk out of my life, I will follow. I don't know if the same applies to you, but I cannot imagine my life without you again. I know that soon, I will have to. You have 15 months and I have a fuckload. I wouldn't ask you to wait, although it would be appreciated. I just ask that you don't go back to Larry when you get out and I'm still stuck inside. He doesn't know you, not the real you. He loves the idea of you the same way you love the idea of him. Find someone who makes your life exciting, find someone who knows when to be warm and comforting but knows when to be hot and exciting. Whatever you do, do not settle for anything. You deserve more than that, despite what you may think.

Where do I go from here? I think it's time that I start to stop ignoring things. As scary as that might be. Maybe it's time to admit some hard truths. Maybe it's time for me to stop running. I thought I had stopped the moment I got in here but SHU made me realise that I had never ran faster than I had whilst I've been here. I've run from you, from the outside. From people wanting to get in. I ran from my mom in the end. At her funeral I wasn't even sober. I had lost everything. God, I was so stupid.

I used to dream that I would end up at your door after you left me. I was never sure how I got there but whatever direction I walked, all roads took me there. I dreamt that you were home, alone. I would knock on your door and you would answer and look into my eyes and I would be happy. Then right before your eyes I would break. Just shatter into a thousand pieces and you would just close your door again. As if I had never been there. Is that what you really did? Closed the door on that part of your heart after you watched it destroy itself? I think that even that would be a little too masochistic even for you. Although I apologise for naming you and getting you sent to prison, I don't regret it. As selfish as that sounds, I don't. I never regret anything that leads me to you.

I heart you, Piper Chapman. Always have, always will.

Alex.

Alex smiled, gave her letter a small look over and flexed her writing hand. She took a breath and stood up, heading towards Piper's cube with the letter clenched in her hand. Alex was glad to see that Piper was still at work as she entered the ghetto dorm where she shared her cube with Taystee. Alex found the book Piper was currently reading and slipped her letter beside the homemade bookmark that lay inside. She felt better for writing. She wasn't the best or most sophisticated at it but she knew that it was therapeutic to her. There was something about saying something without actually saying it. Letter's suggest time, thought and love. Even when they were used so she didn't have to actually face up to saying it all face to face. Alex Vause could be a pussy when she wanted to be.

"So I wait for you like a lonely house
till you will see me again and live in me.
Till then my windows ache."

Alex was working when someone jumped her from behind. She recognised the familiar touch immediately though. A knowing smile happened across her face. "You finally found it?" She asked.

"Yes!" Piper squealed, the letter Alex had written clenched in her hand.

"You know I wrote that about five days ago. What the hell were you doing all this time?"

Piper shrugged and released Alex, reading over the letter again and then clutching it to her chest. Alex could see the growing pools of water in her eyes and groaned.

"Please don't start crying, Pipes. I cannot deal with an overflow of emotions today. I had almost forgotten about how sappy I sounded in that letter." Alex shook her head.

"You meant it all though? All of it? You want to spend the rest of your life with me?" Piper sputtered, voice quivering from the emotion that overcame her.

"Yep." Alex popped the P, trying to downplay the situation. She smiled warmly at Piper though and upon seeing the love in her girlfriend's eyes that her answer prompted she dropped the clothes she had been trying to fold before and embraced the blonde. "You know, my mom once told me that we're all the hero in our own story, but I always thought you were the hero of mine. You saved me, in one messed up way or another, you did." Alex kissed the top of Piper's head and held her close.

"I love you." Piper's words were muffled against Alex's shirt but she heard them all the same.

Alex closed her eyes and smiled, feeling truly happy. "I love you too, kid."

Authors Note:

Hope you enjoyed! Thought I would include some poetry this time as we were exploring the more touchy-feely side of Alex. Hopefully it wasn't too sappy! Trying out some new formatting where I actually leave proper spaces between each speaker. I reread some of the work I posted on here and found that it was personally a little hard for me to concentrate on because the text was just a massive bulk. Hopefully anyone who felt the same is helped by this change. Let me know what you think of it and if you prefer it or not to how I was formatting it before. I'm happy to write either way.
As always, leave a review and let me know what you think and thanks for reading. :D