And darling I'm drunk,
And everything that I have loved has turned to stone.
So pack your bags and come back home.
Alex had found herself very busy over the next few weeks, the new dealings with both her lawyer and Piper's mom meant that she wasn't able to linger long on the thought of her Aunt's death. Something that was probably for the best. During her spare time where she was actually alone Alex found herself writing more and often. She did not always write things that had a purpose or things with which she intended to use them but she just wrote. Sometimes she would write letters to her mom or to Piper that she kept in a box beneath her bed and other times she would write small stories, things sampled from her past or her possible future. When the words just wouldn't flow in coherent sentences Alex would write poetry, there was something about the way she could be so vague in her words whilst have them hold so much meaning that appealed to her. Her words would need analysis to decipher them, much the same way as she saw herself - to get past her walls you had to spend time and effort. Like the letters and the stories, she kept them all safely under her bed and only dared to look at them when she was sure no one would see her. They were her last bit of privacy left in here and she was determined to keep them safe.
Alex was lying on her bed, drumming her fingers on her stomach waiting for the post to arrive. She wasn't sure why she put herself through the same waiting game each week only to be left disappointed the same each week when nothing arrived for her. Alex was happy when her friends got mail, Piper still received some every other week from Polly and her father. Alex and Nicky sat together most times when everyone else was discussing what they had gotten. Nicky pretended that she didn't care that she didn't get any mail and that no one came to visit her but Alex knew it cut her deep, she knew how scary it could feel to think that you have no one out there in the real world waiting for you to get out. Alex was going to make sure someone was there for Nicky, no matter what. It was as Nicky and Alex were sitting together in the library to escape from the others cooing over pictures that Polly had sent Piper of her baby that Alex had a small epiphany.
"Hey, Nichols?" Alex prompted, "When does Lorna get out of here?"
Nicky frowned, confused at the topic of their conversation, "In a year or so."
Alex nodded, "And you have how many years left?"
"I've got 3." Nicky paused, "Fuck Vause, what's with all the weird questions?"
Alex hesitated for a moment, slightly reluctant to get Nicky's hopes up when Alex wasn't even sure whether she could pull it off let alone get it to work. "Well, it's just that I know you don't really have anyone on the outside.." Alex's voice was careful, she knew Nicky didn't like talking about her family. "And I think that maybe if you and Lorna keep strong and she waits for you that I have a chance of getting you out early."
Nicky looked at Alex and then started to laugh, really laugh. "Oh, funny Vause. I mean, weird subject for a joke sure but I can see the humour behind it."
Alex smiled, of course Nicky didn't believe that she was serious. "No, Nicky. Seriously. I think I could maybe have a chance of getting you out of here not long after Lorna."
Nicky stopped laughing and glared at Alex. "Listen to me right now Vause. You better not be fucking with me because if you are then you are seriously fucked and fucked up."
Alex held up her hands defensively, "I'm not fucking with you Nicky. Piper's mom is trying to pull some strings with the court to get me released a little earlier than my release date and I think with a bit of convincing I could get her to do the same for you."
Nicky frowned but her glare was somewhat less threatening. "Why would Piper's mom do that for me? I don't mean jack to her."
Alex shrugged and smirked, "Well. Piper's mom hardly loves me but she's willing to do anything to help her daughter keep her sanity and her smile. How's she supposed to know that you aren't contributing to that smile?" Alex knew she was right and that with a few well placed words Piper's mom would get Nicky's lawyer to go over her case and see what he could do to reduce her sentence.
Nicky nodded slowly, realisation dawning on her face. "Right. I guess WASPs look after their own, huh."
Alex could sense the sad tone in Nicky's voice knowing that her own mother would never do what Piper's would to ensure her daughter's happiness. Alex didn't comment on it, knowing how Nicky preferred to look strong. Especially when it came to emotions to do with her mother. "Picture it, Nichols. You get out of here within a year at most of Lorna getting out. You get your shit in order and I tell my lawyer to get your tickets to London and the keys to the apartment and then you both can fly over there to meet Piper." Alex nodded, it all worked perfectly well in her mind.
Nicky was looking at Alex with a different kind of look, one of concern. "Right so Piper..." She paused and frowned, "Have you thought about how you're going to cope without Piper in here?" She asked.
Alex shrugged, she hadn't thought much about Piper leaving prison. Piper leaving anything had been a touchy subject for a number of years and Alex knew it would hurt no less when Piper had served her sentence and was released. She didn't want to think about it because she didn't know what would become of them, despite Piper's continuous assurances that she would wait and nothing would change Alex didn't yet trust Piper enough to stick to that. It was easy to make promises in prison when you didn't have to put that promise to the test. The outside was a whole different fishbowl. "No, Nichols. I haven't and I don't really want to." Alex sighed, she knew Nicky wasn't going to let it go so she continued. "I can't trust Piper enough yet to be completely sure that she'll keep all of her promises to me and that she won't end up with some stuck up dickwad like Larry. If I don't think about it until I absolutely have to then I'll be okay. Even better if I get you out of here so you can keep an eye on her and remind her that I'm waiting." Alex chuckled, somewhat halfheartedly and then stood up. "I'm going to get my lunch." She walked quickly so that she wouldn't have to hear Nicky's response to what she had said. Was it selfish that she was trying to get Nicky out of prison to watch Piper? Was it creepily stalkerish of her? Probably. Alex walked into the canteen, consumed by her thoughts. She saw Piper sitting at the table and walked up to her, sitting opposite. "Piper." She stated, her voice uncharacteristically devoid of any kind of emotion.
"Alex?" Piper responded, her face already showing the worry she felt from Alex's tone.
Alex only nodded before she got up from her seat and left. She was confused at her own actions but felt a little more at ease. Why? She couldn't tell but she knew she felt it and maybe, just maybe, if she could ignore that gnawing feeling that started to life every time she saw Piper things would be okay for a while longer. Alex went straight to her cube and sat down heavily on her bunk, weighed down by the gravity of the conversation she had just had with Nicky and her confusing encounter with Piper. What was she doing? Alex wasn't sure. When she thought about the future it had always seemed very simple, get out, meet up with Piper, move to London and live. That was that and there was no more to it but there were so may details that she had overlooked. What if after Piper got out she saw that being with Alex was a mistake or that maybe she didn't want to move to London. What if she decided that she preferred the safety of warm and pathetic Larry over her? There were so many variables that had yet to be added to the mix and Alex could only just about bare the ones already there. Alex felt herself going into a panic and scrambled for her writing equipment. She glared down at the paper before her, wishing herself to write something. Anything. The words wouldn't come to her, they were all swirling around inside her out but they were just out of reach. She couldn't grasp them, she couldn't even touch them. She could feel a lump forming in her throat as she thought again about her future, this thought was a much darker future. One without the light that was Piper Chapman. In this future, she wasn't in London. She was in New York, in an alleyway about to shoot up. Everyone had left her and she had no one. Not even her mom. "Fuck.." Alex muttered, taking a deep breath to steady herself. She had to believe in Piper. She had to believe that Piper was strong enough to stay with Alex through this because if she didn't, what chance did they have?
Alex looked back down at her paper and finally found some words.
I recalled your laughter
From a long time ago.
There was something about the way
It hung in the space between you and I;
Filling my own lungs
With your infectious air.
And the noise spilled from my own lips
Till I realised
That air, that filled my lungs
Was full of your empty presence,
And the noise meant nothing
Without your own to accompany it.
So until you form
In front of me once again,
I shall not laugh
Like I did a long time ago.
(Poem by me/TheNarrative)
Alex sighed and looked over her work before she shoved it into the box beneath her bed. She felt a little more at ease for having written although she was still confused. She was afraid, she knew that much. She wasn't in control and she had no idea of what was going to happen the next day let alone in eight years and that completely terrified her. Putting her trust into the hands of others was not something she did often and considering one of those people had previously thrown her trust away it was a large step. Whether that step was taking Alex forwards or backwards, Alex couldn't be sure. She just knew it was going to take her somewhere. She just hoped she'd be able to get to a beach in Cambodia before she found out where. She briefly wondered what Piper had done after Alex walked out on her in the canteen. Had she tried to follow her? Had Nicky told her what Alex had said to her. Alex groaned, disgruntled at that thought. She didn't want Piper to know how much of an insecure idiot Alex actually was. It was embarrassing and led to various conversations that Alex had hoped to avoid forever. Great going, Vause; because ignoring your problems ended so well before; Alex thought. She sighed and rolled over on her bunk so she faced the wall. Her eyes traced the patterns in the brickwork for what seemed like an eternity before voices started to filter into the dorm again. Lunch was finally over. Alex was surprised at how she didn't feel hungry at all, it wasn't good - she knew that much. She sighed again and closed her eyes hoping that when she opened them again eight years would have passed and she would be in London with Piper by her side and Nicky and Lorna in the room across the hall.
"Mail for you here, Vause." A voice she recognised to be Bennett's woke her from her trance. She sat up immediately and looked at the guard, eyes wide at the box he held in his hands. He put it on the floor at the entrance to her cube and left. Alex dragged the box over to her and saw that most of the mail in there was from her cousin who was staying at Alex's mom's old house currently. Alex dug through the box, deciding that she would read the letters lately and pulled out two books. She smiled and placed them by her growing pile of books and continued to search through the box. Her hands glided over something that felt shiny and she frowned, moving aside a pile of letters to get to the shiny object. Her mouth opened in surprise when she saw the object was actually a pile of pictures that had been tied together. She pulled them out and smiled at the one on top. One of her and her cousin. Alex knew that her cousin must have been going through her stuff and found the old photo album she'd kept in her 'old Alex' room. She turned the photo over and saw the annotation written on the back in her own handwriting, 'Cuz & I Thanksgiving 2003'
As Alex went through the pictures she smiled fondly at the memories they all provoked, ones with her mother, her aunt. Old friends and places that seemed like they were from an age ago now. She was about halfway through the pile when a piece of paper blocked her view of the next picture. Alex frowned and read it. 'Not sure if you wanted these but I thought I should include them just in case. Much love, cuzzo.' What pictures could there be that Alex wouldn't want? She dismissed her Cousin's message and moved the paper aside to look at the picture. to say she was surprised at what she saw was an understatement, she was astounded that her cousin had found these let alone had the guts to send them to her. Alex looked at the picture fondly, recognising it immediately. It was a picture of Piper and herself, standing outside the bar they had met at that very first night. Alex's friends has insisted that they take a picture of the two of them together. Alex smiled at how carefree she had looked. She remembered that she had felt on top of the world that night, having just returned from a successful run. At the time she had felt like nothing would or could ever bring her down. Alex's eyes glided over towards Piper. Piper had long, wavy hair. Her smile was bright and cheery. Happy. Alex didn't see that smile much now. She traced a finger over Piper's face before moving on to the next picture, another one of her and Piper. Alex could tell that this picture was taken not long before that night in Paris however because Piper's smile was not quite so bright and Alex did not look so carefree. They both looked tired and stiff. Alex moved quickly past that one and a small smirk formed as she laid eyes on the next. It showed her and Piper in a bed together, Alex remembered Piper insisting that they had to document that moment and Alex still wasn't sure why. They had spent about two months in London and they were in their bed, in their room, in their apartment. It was early in the morning but neither girl had slept yet. Their bodies covered by their duvet only. They were both happy, they were close together as if they were not two but one person in that moment. Alex suddenly felt angry that the guards had seen this picture. This incredibly private picture, the picture that meant so much more to Alex than all the others because it showed the simplicity of their love. It was coupled with their basic need but it didn't seem to basic to Alex when she looked at the picture. She saw two women, in love and not realising that it was slowly destroying them. Not everything that made you feel good was good, Piper was certainly worth the risk though. Alex had known it then and she knew it now.
"Alex?" Piper's voice resonated through Alex and she looked up at her concerned girlfriend.
"Oh, hey." Alex smiled warmly at Piper, still holding the photograph in her hands.
"You got mail." Piper said quietly, noting the box between Alex's feet.
Alex nodded and patted the space next to her so that Piper would sit down.
"Are you.." Piper began.
"I'm sorry about earlier, I just had to make sure." Alex cut in, painfully aware that her 'explanation' for her behavior was very, very, vague.
"Make sure?" Piper prompted, her voice still quiet.
Alex nodded and looked back down at the picture. Enjoying the warm feeling it created inside of her. "I had to be sure that..." Alex let her words trail off, what was she making sure of? That Piper was still there? That she hadn't abandoned her again? Or that Alex couldn't bear the thought to be parted from her. Alex looked at Piper and she saw her own reflection in the blonde's eyes. Her expression was one of confusion, desperation and sadness. She closed her eyes and wished again to be transported to the future where she wouldn't have to deal with the confusion and the waiting and the figuring out.
"Alex. Talk to me, please." Piper's voice was firmer this time, her own desperation to reach through to Alex setting in.
"Piper it's fine. I'm just working things out in my head, you know? I.. I never really allowed myself to think about what things would be like after you leave Litchfield and I don't want to have to think or talk or even recognise that I have to do any of those things until I absolutely have to. God. I wish I didn't have to."
Piper nodded, looking down at the picture in Alex's hands. "You know I only have 11 months left here."
Alex nodded, of course she knew. "Well, can I please spend at least eight of those months blissfully unaware?"
Piper didn't respond, only placing her hand on Alex's. Alex nodded once again and settled back against the wall staring at the picture she still held. 11 months left of Piper. 11 months out of her eight years. She wanted to laugh. Or cry. Maybe both. Life was giving her the finger again and this time, there was nothing she could do about it.
Authors Note:
So nothing much going on in this chapter, just a little more insight into Alex's mind. Hope you guys enjoyed and I hope my poem was decent, it's the first one I've written in a very long time but it came to me last night when I was thinking about the story. As always, please leave a review and thanks for reading!