If forgot who I am,
Would you please remind me?
Oh, cause without you things go hazy.

6 months and 29 days, our impending doom is inching ever closer.
You say that I'm not being open enough with you at the moment, if only you knew how open I am with you now. When you're asleep in your bunk and I wake in the middle of the night and go and sneak over to look at you, watch the slow rise and fall of your chest and with each passing moment I feel more sure that I will be able to let you go when your time comes, that I will be strong and tell you it will all be okay; but then morning comes and your blue eyes shatter my resolve. Because it's not going to be okay, is it? I'm not going to be able to be strong and in the end I'll be the one who needs you to be strong for me. Ask me five years ago if I had thought I would see Piper Chapman in prison I would have said fuck no, ask me five years ago if I could see any kind of future with Piper Chapman I would have laughed till I cried, because I couldn't see it but boy did I fucking want it. I just hope this time I really am going to get it.

"All days are nights to see till I see thee, And nights bright days when dreams do show thee me." I'll probably be living by that when you're gone. Shakespeare always knew what was up and as terribly shopworn and cliché-ridden as his work is I have to admit that he explains this shit better than anyone else, me unsurprisingly included. I think it's safe to say that I am well and truly fucked, completely vulnerable here. Something that I am slowly learning to become accustomed to - only for you. I spend a long time at night, convincing myself that just because I'm vulnerable when it comes to you it doesn't mean that I'm weak and yet I know that's not true. You've never been good for me Piper, the same way I've never been good for you. We're incredibly destructive and stubborn and we value our pride so much that sometimes we would rather the things around us fell apart than have any part of that scathed. Little did we know, back then, that we were hurting ourselves more than we were hurting each other and the people around us. We fucked ourselves up even more than we did to each other, and yet - here we are both wanting more. I'm not sure if that makes us crazy, self-destructive or bordering on suicidal. Maybe it's all three. I think you'll moan at me when you read all of these, tell me that I'm being stupid and whilst we're both stupid our love tops all of it. Maybe you'll even go as far to say it conquers it and then I'll laugh at you and make some stupid joke about how I conquered you. The truth is, I think it was more you who conquered me. Say it loud and proud, Chapman. You conquered the great Vause.

Hah, love you shitface. Alex.

Prison was cruel, Alex decided one night as she sat against the wall of her cube. Here she was, meant to be spending the night with her beautiful girlfriend and she was being cornered by Nicky. As much as she cared about her friend, getting in Alex's way when she should be seducing Piper behind an alter in a dark chapel was very dangerous and Alex could feel her annoyance rising in her.

"I just don't get it, Vause. One minute she's talking about how much she loves me and that it was a mistake that she chose Christopher and then the next minute she's freaking out and talking about how one day I'll realise I don't love her and that she don't deserve no one and that maybe she should have just stayed on her own after Christopher left - like, what the fuck!" Nicky yammered on, not really taking notice of whether or not Alex was actually listening to her. "I mean I can understand that she's not really over the grieving process yet and jumping into something new and serious straight away is probably fucking with her head a little but.. shit. I just need to chill out." Nicky seemed to talk herself into an understanding and it was only then that she noticed Alex's faraway and distant expression. "Hey Vause. You even fuckin' listening to me?"

Alex looked at Nicky slowly and forced a small smile, "Sure."

Nicky laughed, not in the least bit put out by her friends reaction. "Good to know that such a good looking wall is here to listen to me rant."

"The wall will be grateful for your silence" Alex deadpanned.

Nicky put her hands on her chest, smirking. "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day.." She began as if professing her love for the wall.

"You're more like a summer's wind, so blow the fuck away." Alex interjected before getting off of her bunk to go and find Piper. She couldn't help but smile through her annoyance, at least she would still have Nicky and her banter; she heard Nicky's raucous laughter as she walked out of the dorms and joined in.

It didn't take Alex long to find Piper who was impatiently waiting for her at the back of the library. It seemed their window for the chapel had passed. Alex arched a brow at Piper's clearly irritable state and briefly wondered if she would have been better off staying with Nicky. "What's got your panties in a twist? I know it isn't me because I just got here." Alex smirked as she sat down next to her girlfriend, amused at her own little joke.

"Who have you been writing to?" Piper asked, Alex's humour was apparently lost on the now very serious blonde.

Alex clenched her jaw, "I'm not writing to anyone."

"Don't lie to me Alex, I see you everyday without fail get out your paper and write shit down and then you put it in an envelope and shove it under your bed."

Alex felt a moment of panic then, wondering if Piper had looked in her precious box. She was soothed almost immediately however by her mind reminding her that if Piper had looked in the box, she wouldn't be asking who the letters were for. Still, Alex felt the familiar feeling in her stomach of nerves - it would be so easy for her to tell Piper that the letters were for her, so that she could better understand her but she didn't want to tell her. Not yet at least. "Alright, I just write letters to my mom sometimes." Alex admitted, she wasn't exactly telling a lie because she did sometimes do that. Just not often. "I can't talk to her anymore so I figured a letter would do. Even if I don't have her to send them to."

Piper nodded, her eyes calming. "Sorry I didn't mean to pry, Alex." Alex heard the guilt in Piper's voice and it immediately made her feel guilty.

"Pipes, don't worry about it. It's okay for you to be curious. I would be too." Alex smiled at Piper, trying to reassure her. Piper was going to kill her when she found out. She pulled Piper close to her and settled for a quiet afternoon of cuddling rather than the spirited activity she had previously planned in the chapel. As long as Piper was in her arms, she found she was happy. They sat together, enjoying the warmth from the other's arms until the call for dinner came. Alex repressed a sigh, yet another day had passed without her really noticing - Alex was more than sure that the rest of her sentence wouldn't go this fast. Alex and Piper walked into the canteen together, both falling back into their easy and happy characters when they joined their friends at the table. It seemed their quiet and reserved attitudes were only shared between them. Maybe it was just a coping method, Alex mused. Despite her best efforts to involve herself in the tables conversation, Alex couldn't help but feel like something was wrong. She had no appetite and dropped her fork, looking disdainfully down at her food. She was lost to her surroundings, it was as if the whole world had become invisible, leaving only Alex and her tray and a pair of eyes that burned into her from across the vast empty space. These eyes were ones that she was not familiar with, they weren't the eyes of Leanne or Pennsatucky. They weren't the lust filled eyes of her girlfriend. These eyes were cold, unloving and filled with disgust and hate and yet, Alex felt no qualms about staring into them, glaring even. The eyes glared back at her and she felt anger bubble up in her stomach, rising quickly to her throat. Who did these eyes think they were, looking at her like that. Alex was barely aware of someone calling her name, quietly at first but they quickly turned into shouts. Was that Piper? Alex tried to drag her eyes away from the ones that burned into her skull to look for the sea of blue she now longed to see, why were they shouting? She couldn't find the eyes she was looking for until she looked back at the ones that glared to evilly at her. The blues were by them and Alex felt afraid for them. She didn't want those strange eyes to harm her sea, she was moving closer towards the eyes when she was halted and snapped from her trance by her collision with the floor. She sat up confused, someone had the good grace to trip her apparently. She glared at the person closest to her - Taystee before she hastily scanned the room. She found the hateful eyes and was not surprised when she discovered they belonged to Healy. Alex had never realised her anger towards the man but she was less than surprised to find it there. Of course she despised the man who left the woman she loved to die at the hands of a crazy methhead.

Piper was by Alex the next second, pulling her up from the floor and dragging her back to the table. Alex was surprised at how far she had walked. The whole table was silent, looking at her confused. Alex saw the anger in Piper's eyes and flinched away from it, choosing instead to look at Nicky.

"You okay Vause?" Nicky asked, hesitantly.

Fine. Alex answered in her head before realising that Nicky wasn't telepathic. "Fine." She voiced, her voice steady and even.

"Right." Nicky forked a piece of dry looking beef and held it up, "So, what the fuck was that all about?"

Alex shrugged, not being entirely sure. Maybe she had experienced some of what Piper had felt the day she almost killed Pennsatucky. That cold, white hot rage where you don't see red but all you see is that one thing. That one thing that you have to destroy. Alex shrugged, hiding her inner turmoil. "I'm tired." She said, standing and walking out of the canteen. Ignoring the calls behind her, she was glad Healy had vanished. She walked down towards her cube, silently seething. Angry with herself, how stupid she had been. She couldn't allow herself to get out of control like that especially not with a CO; the last thing she needed was to end up in max. She got to her bunk quickly and lay down, snapping her eyes shut and willing herself to go to sleep. Eventually, her body complied.

Alex woke up a few hours after, her eyes still tired. She stood for final count like everyone else and was glad to find that no one bothered her when the COs had finished her count. She sat down on her bunk and took out her paper, taking a deep breath, she began to write about everything that had happened to her at dinner. The things she had felt, how the world had been consumed by her hate for that man and how she couldn't even register what she was doing or where she was going. She was a prisoner of her own anger and of her own mind. As if she needed to be stuck in another prison. When she had finished she stuffed it into the box, vaguely aware that Piper knew what she was doing now and that she should probably find a new place to store all of her letters. She decided she could do it later because she really wanted to be asleep by the time Nicky and Piper stopped talking and decided to head towards her. It didn't take long for her to fall back to her silent dark sanctuary.

There was rustling. Alex frowned and moaned. She didn't want to get up yet. The rustling stopped for a moment and Alex felt herself drifting again, off into the quiet darkness that was sleep. The rustling started again, this time accompanied by a dragging sound. Something told Alex that she should be worried but she pushed it from her thoughts, all she wanted was to sleep for a while longer. She rolled over and her arm dropped off of the side of her bunk, she didn't feel the usual thump it made as it hit the side of the box underneath her bed but that didn't worry her - she just assumed it had been pushed backwards. There were quiet whispers from further up the dorm and more rustling. It was keeping Alex awake and this annoyed her because she knew she would have to get up soon so she could shower with Piper. She groaned again when the whispers didn't stop and so she forced herself awake, about to tell whoever it was to shut up when she recognised the voices. Nicky and Piper. Alex listened now with curiosity, her annoyance quickly fading. She could only make out a few words like "angry", "stupid" and "what if" but it wasn't until she heard her own name being said that her curiosity really peaked. Then it faltered and she swallowed hard, sweat forming in the palms of her hands as she put two and two together. She slid out of her bed, being careful not to draw attention to herself and looked underneath. The box was gone. The next few seconds went very quickly as she felt multiple emotions run through her at once, first anger that they had taken it from her. Second, betrayed that they had not trusted her enough to think she would tell them in good time. Third, sadness that her small piece of privacy had been snatched from her and finally relief. Relief that she didn't have to face up to telling anyone the things that had gone through her head over the past months. Then she felt numb and so she climbed back into her bed and lay awake under the blanket. She stared up at the ceiling, learning every mark and its location by heart by the time dawn rolled around and Piper jollied over to her bunk to wake her for their shower. Alex lay, wide eyed and unmoving as Piper called her name. She didn't even look at her, the feelings Alex had experienced last night rolled back into her with a great force and suddenly Alex couldn't decide what was better; to feel it all at once or not at all. Piper eventually left dejectedly and Alex assumed she had diverted on her way to the showers to talk to Nicky because suddenly her bushy haired friend was there, staring down at Alex.

"Get up." Nicky commanded, her face void of the usual smugness it held.

Alex stayed silent and looked around Nicky and back to the familiar constellations of dirt on the ceiling. She enjoyed looking at them much more at the moment.

"Vause, get the fuck up." Nicky's voice was firmer this time but still, Alex ignored it.

"Alex I will drag you out of this bed if I have to. Can you at least fucking blink so I know you're still alive in there!"

Alex blinked and then turned away from Nicky, ignoring the further threats and pleas her friend made. Eventually, Nicky left too and Alex was alone again. Alex could feel herself falling, falling where; she didn't know. She turned and looked for those blue eyes that were her safe harbour and then she remembered that those blue eyes had left her too. Her safe harbour had floated away from her and suddenly Alex was drowning. She'd fallen into the sea and now she was going to drown in it. She thought of how only days before she had thought drowning in Piper would be the best way to die. She laughed sardonically, oh how that irony stung her now.

Authors Note:

Sorry for the late post guys! Took me a while to write this as I was trying to find the best way to approach Alex's new feelings towards Healy in both a way I hadn't seen/read before but also in a way that suited me and the character that I imagine Alex to be. Got some dark times in store for Alex but I'm sure it will be worth it in the end :P
Thanks so much for the great reviews you guys are giving me, as I said before; they are very much appreciated. As always, please leave a review and thanks for reading :D