Please don't stand so close to me.
I'm having trouble breathing,
I'm afraid of what you'll see right now.
Piper was standing in front of Alex's cube again sooner than she thought she would be. Alex glanced at her girlfriends face, the only acknowledgment she would give the blonde, before returning her gaze to the ceiling again. Alex didn't have the energy to discuss whatever Piper had found in that box and she didn't have the energy to try and sort through the emotions that coursed through her. She wished for the numbness again.
"Alex please say something." Piper begged, walking towards the bunk.
Alex's only response was to close her eyes, as if by closing the sight of Piper out she wouldn't have to deal with it all. Alex felt something press down on her bed and figured Piper must have sat down, she shifted away and closer to the wall. She heard Piper sigh.
"Alex don't be a child. What's wrong with you? Why are you being like this?"
Alex's temper flared, anger, hurt and betrayal flaring up through the mess of her head and her eyes snapped open to glare at Piper, "Fuck off Piper. You have no fucking right." Her tone matched her icy glare and from the reaction on Piper's face, Alex knew that she knew what she meant.
"Al..I..I was-" Piper stammered.
"Piper. Fuck. Off."
Piper nodded slowly, biting down on her lip in a clear sign to show she was holding back tears. Alex didn't break though, she closed her eyes and tried to block out Piper's irregular breathing as she started to cry. Alex kept her eyes closed until she felt Piper leave again. Then she felt guilty, she was pissed yes but that didn't mean she had to act like that with Piper, surely? She sighed and got up, knowing that she wouldn't be able to get out of work and maybe forcibly being separated from everyone that actually cared about her for a while today would do her some good. She had missed both breakfast and her shower time so she got dressed quickly and stumbled down towards the laundry room, she worked in silence, slowly folding each sheet and uniform with more precision than ever. She was doing everything possible to keep herself neutral and numb for just a while longer knowing that with each passing minute she grew closer to the unavoidable conversation Piper was going to force her to have. Alex briefly wondered just how long she could postpone that conversation. Eventually lunch rolled around and Alex decided it would be in her best intentions to skip it, her appetite hadn't quite returned yet. It was to her utmost surprise when Bennett walked into the laundry room and told her to take the rest of the day off and that working whilst she was ill was going to help no one. She had arched a brow but said nothing about it as she walked back to her cube. This had to have something to do with Nicky and Piper, Alex was sure of it. She lay down on her bunk, briefly using a hand to feel that her box still hadn't been returned.
"Ah, Miss Vause. Finally."
Alex froze, that voice. That was the last voice she had expected and wanted to hear right now. She closed her eyes as she turned to face the offending sound before she opened them in a cold, hateful glare. "Healy."
"I thought it best to give you the day off, considering the awful state you were in yesterday at dinner." The man mused, "You look tired. Is your little girlfriend keeping you up at night?" He sneered.
Alex's defences turned on, "She is, and what a wonderful distraction she is." Alex retorted, smirking.
Healy strode over to her, grabbing her by the collar of her shirt and slamming her into the wall of her cube - knocking the air out of her lungs. Alex knew better than to fight him, he had the power to get her sent down to max and she wanted to avoid that at all costs.
"You little lesbians will learn one way or another, just you wait." He said, breathing his coffee stained breath in Alex's face. "Your little girlfriend probably didn't tell you, SHU wasn't her only punishment for Pennsatucky." He smiled before dropping Alex back onto her bunk and walking away, whistling.
"Fucking dick." Alex muttered, leaning back against the wall she had previously been slammed against in an attempt to get her breath back. She frowned at Healy's words, what hadn't Piper told her? Was Healy just trying to mess them up? Alex shook her head and pushed it to the back of her mind, she wasn't over her own shit yet and she didn't have the emotional capacity to be both angry and worried about Piper at the same time. She crawled into her bunk, rubbing her spine where she was sure she would get a nice bruise by the time dinner rolled around. Unable to fall asleep, she got up and wandered down to the nurse station. It had been a long time since she was last here but she got the nurse's attention and he smiled sympathetically at her before giving her the pills she was supposed to be taking. She stared down at the antidepressants as they lay in the small transparent cup in her hand. She hadn't liked them at first but she now craved the numbness that they supplied - if she couldn't get drugs then these were the next best thing. She chucked them into her mouth and swallowed them dutifully, slouching back to her bunk so she could sink down onto the hard surface. She closed her eyes and waited for the pills to take effect.
"Alex? You awake?" Piper's voice made Alex open her eyes and it was then that Alex realised she must have fallen asleep. To her delight she felt unsettlingly calm, the whirlwind of emotions she had been previously feeling had been dulled by the pills. She tilted her head at Piper.
"I guess so."
Piper blinked at the even voice Alex produced. "Oh. You spoke. I was expecting you to ignore me again." The blonde admitted.
Alex shrugged, wondering what she should be feeling right now.
"Nicky, she's awake." Piper said, over her shoulder. Nicky appeared a moment later and grinned at Alex, only faltering after a moment when it was not returned.
"You look happy." Nicky said, snorting.
Alex shrugged again, only half paying attention to the two women, still wondering if she was supposed to be angry with them or not. Piper came and sat down next to Alex, taking her hand into hers. Piper frowned at Alex when her hand remained slack. "Alex, I uh.." Piper sighed and looked at Nicky.
Nicky began to talk as she moved to sit down on the bunk opposite Alex. "We're sorry that we went through your box. Piper was concerned after that little incident and she saw you writing earlier and figured that you had written to your mom about what happened. Well, then we found all that other stuff-"
"Alex I swear I only read the stuff that was addressed to me, and a couple things that weren't in envelopes." Piper cut Nicky off, the desperation to reach Alex in her voice evident.
Alex turned to look at Piper properly, "Okay." She managed to utter out, she had felt something when Nicky explained but it had quickly been suppressed again before she could make anything out of it and so the numbness returned.
"Okay? Alex what do you mean okay?" Piper snapped.
Alex was getting agitated now, she was a little shocked at how quickly her behaviour seemed to change and she snatched her limp hand away from Piper's. "I mean fucking okay. It's not exactly a complex word Piper."
"Hey Vause, what's with the bipolar attitude. You're giving me whiplash here." Nicky piped.
"I'm fine." Alex slumped back against the wall, hitting her bruise which caused her to flinch. Something that didn't go unnoticed by either Nicky or Piper.
"You sure? You're looking pretty..." Nicky paused, as if finding the right words. "Well shit, you remind me of someone who's high."
Piper looked at Alex with a new concern now and Alex sighed. "I'm not high. I'm just tired, I was sleeping before you two interrupted me; if you hadn't noticed."
"You're not tired, Vause. Don't try to play coy with me - somethings wrong with it and fuck me if I'm not going to find out what it is."
"Sorry, you're not my type." Alex deadpanned, attempting some kind or normalcy to try and get the two off of her back.
"Nice try." Nicky smirked, not fooled for a second. "Piper hurry the fuck up with your explanation; Morello is waiting for me to fuck her in a utility closet."
Piper seemed to ignore Nicky's added information because she turned to look at Alex again without hesitation. "Alex. Please, I am so fucking worried that you're going to do something stupid to Healy and you're either going to end up in SHU or in max and I don't think I'll be able to survive knowing that you're in either of those places."
"You'll be fine." Alex mumbled, letting her eyes droop a little till she remembered what Healy had said to her earlier. "What other punishment did you get for Pennsatucky?" She asked.
"What? I uh, Alex. I don't want to talk about that." Piper deflected the question easily, as if she had been practising. Her voice gave away nothing.
"Healy told me that you got something else, apart from SHU."
"Chapman, that true?" Nicky asked, her own curiosity setting in now.
"I said I don't want to talk about it so can you both just drop it please."
"Well you can both leave then." Alex responded wearily. Her energy seemed to have escaped her once again and all she wanted to do now was lie in a dark cocoon that she would later create with her blanket. Nicky left without needing further encouragement but Piper once again lingered.
"Al, please. Just tell me what's going on in that head of yours. I can't get in and it's driving me crazy." Piper whispered, placing a hand on Alex's cheek.
"You and me both, kid." Alex muttered as she closed her eyes, settling for the darkness they provided. She let her head involuntarily lean into the hand that remained on her cheek and she felt her tense body relax at the soothing sensation the gentle caress of Piper's thumb provided. If being a tad bipolar meant that she got quiet time like this, then Alex could deal.
"Hey Vause, dinner time. Get up." Nicky bellowed into Alex's ear.
Alex grumbled but complied and walked sluggishly with Nicky towards the canteen. When Nicky pulled her aside she frowned. "Vause. I don't know what the hell you're on but this," Nicky gestured to Alex. "This is not you and you better snap the fuck out of it. You're not making Piper feel any less like you're going to go kill someone with the way you're acting." Nicky didn't wait for Alex to reply and stalked past her and into the canteen. Alex stood there for a moment, eyes wide and mouth parted slightly from the response she had been about to make. It was soon forgotten again and Alex walked back the way she had came, away from the canteen. Away from the noise. Instead, she walked to the nurse's station and stopped him when he tried to hand her the daily dose.
"I need something stronger. It's not working anymore." Alex demanded cooly.
The nurse arched an eyebrow at her but it was the end of his shift and he wanted to go home so he got out a stronger pill and placed them in the cup instead. "Here." He muttered, handing them to Alex.
Alex nodded, surprised at how easy it had been to get them and quickly downed them just in case he changed his mind. Alex then u-turned and walked down to the laundry room, knowing that it would be a while before anyone could find her here, she settled in a corner and allowed her head to lull back. She wanted to laugh at herself, the difficulty she had faced so much so that she had turned to writing how she felt down when the solution to it all was staring her in the face. If she could stay numb then she wouldn't have to worry about how she would feel when Piper left, when Nicky left, when her cousin visited, everything was so simple now. Who knew drugs would actually ever help her, these weren't half as destructive as the heroin had been. She was fairly confident she wouldn't throw up as a result of taking them. She frowned, anxious all of a sudden. What if the side effects of these were as bad as they had been with heroin? Could she really go through that again just so she didn't have to feel? Alex pushed the feeling down and closed her eyes, falling asleep quickly. She was awoken a fair few hours later by quiet giggles coming from inside the room. Alex looked around and frowned, where was she? She couldn't place herself in the dark room, she was surrounded by washing machines but that didn't help her place herself. Hadn't she just been at home in New York a moment ago? She thought she remembered buying some of her own product from one of her mules but then the next thing she knew, she was here. Wherever here was. She got to her feet, swaying slightly as she slowly remembered where she was. She was in prison, she wasn't taking heroin and she hadn't been home in god knows how long. She noticed the giggles had stopped and a dark figure made her way closer towards her, Alex swayed on the spot; not daring to move lest she fall over.
"Vause?" The figure asked.
"Uh." Was all Alex could seem to muster in response. Her head was pounding, she noticed.
"Damn, you look like shit." The voice, who now emerged to be Nicky said.
"Hey Alex, you okay?" The other figure, who Alex assumed to be Lorna, joined in.
"I uh." Alex frowned, unable to locate her words. Instead she just nodded. She was fine. She hoped she was, anyway.
"Don't think she's quite with us, Morello." Nicky murmured over her shoulder.
Alex tried to walk forward as if to prove she was fine but found that instead of going forward like she had intended she was actually moving backwards. She frowned again, this wasn't what was supposed to be happening.
"Shit!" Nicky blurted, reaching out to catch Alex. "Okay, let's go back to your bunk Sasquatch." Nicky, coupled with Lorna, carried Alex back to her cube and lay her down on her bunk. Alex wanted to protest and say that she wasn't tired and that she'd had a very nice sleep just a few moments ago till they had interrupted it but once again she couldn't make the words form and she was instantly irritated with her unresponsiveness.
"Should we find Piper?" Lorna whispered to Nicky, still watching Alex. Nicky nodded.
Alex could feel Nicky watching her and she rolled over so she didn't have to look at her friend anymore, she was still annoyed that she couldn't talk properly. It wasn't until Alex felt a familiar hand stroking her hair that she turned again, she felt the corners of her lips tug up into a small smile at the sight of Piper and she sighed content. She had gotten another precious moment. Piper leaned down, as if to plant a kiss on Alex's cheek and whispered;
"I don't know what's up with you but I am going to figure it out, and when I have figured it out, I am going to kick your ass." Piper rose back to her original position and smiled at Alex, a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes which told Alex how serious she was being. Alex shrugged and closed her eyes, leaning once again into her girlfriend's hand.
Authors Note:
Hey guys, hope you enjoyed this chapter! As far as the effects the antidepressants are having on Alex such as mood swings, loss of appetite and even some difficulty remembering have all been proven effects of some types of antidepressant. Doing my best to stay true to what would actually happen if she took the pills but I'll admit to taking some minor creative liberties in order to help the story progress. Slow progress, I know but I promise we are getting somewhere! As always, please review and thanks for reading :D