Stare into the flame,
Until you see beyond the light.
All the while, truth was mine,
It's with myself, I fight.

When Alex woke up again, she was surprised to see Piper still sitting there dutifully, her hand resting on Alex's hip. Alex sniffed and sat up, causing Piper to look at her. She smiled tentatively.

"Hey Pipes."

"Alex."

Alex nodded and shuffled around on the bed so that she could lean into Piper, needing to feel her embrace. Once she was nestled safely in her arms, Alex looked up and planted multiple kisses on the underside of Piper's jaw, her hand snaking around the blonde's waist. When Piper pulled away Alex groaned in frustration and was fully prepared to pout when she saw Piper's face.

"What are you doing?" Piper asked sternly.

"What does it look like?" Alex retorted, crossing her arms.

Piper laughed, "Oh no. You do not get to ignore me and then suddenly expect everything to be okay just because I'm here when you wake up."

"Why shouldn't it be okay?" Alex asked, stubbornly.

"Because we do not currently have a functioning relationship, Alex!" Piper huffed, exasperated. "One minute it's like you're not even here, the next you're just some cold, unfeeling thing sitting on your bunk all day and now you're just acting all normal! It's fucking weird, Alex."

Alex arched a brow at Piper, "Thing huh? That's a new one." She muttered before sighing and running a hand through her tangled hair. "I'm just trying to deal, okay."

Piper shook her head and looked sadly at Alex. "Yeah well, we're meant to deal with this together." Piper paused for a moment, looking down at her hands. "I thought we were a team."

Alex stared at Piper, her own words hitting her like a slap in the face. She had said those very same words to Piper that day in Paris but that... that was a totally different circumstance, a very painful one at that. She wasn't able to conjure up a response that made sense of the hurt and guilt that Piper's words caused. "Piper, I.."

"Save it, Alex. I get it. You're just trying to be strong, as usual."

Alex stood up abruptly, shaking her head furiously at Piper who still wasn't looking at her. "No. No. You do not get to do this to me. You do not get to make me feel guilty about this, I am doing my best Piper and my best isn't good - I fucking know. You have absolutely no clue about what's been going on in my head, why I've been the way I am so do not try and turn this on me."

It was Piper's turn to get angry and the blonde stood up to look Alex directly in the eye. "You're right," She hissed. "I don't know because you don't fucking talk to me Alex. Somehow you think that just because you are a normal, functioning and feeling human being that makes you weak! What the fuck kind of logic is that, huh? So if you're so desperate to show just how much I don't know, why don't you fucking tell me what I've been missing out on?"

Alex swallowed, looking away from Piper's eyes. Of course Alex hadn't told her, how could she? "It's not that easy, Piper."

"When is it ever fucking easy with me or you, Alex? Try again."

Alex sighed and slumped back down onto her bunk, defeated. She was aware of the eerie silence their argument had caused but chose to ignore it for now. "Why don't you just go read the letters again, Piper? Seeing as you were so desperate to look before."

Piper flinched, and sat down next to Alex. "I'm sorry about that Alex. I-I wasn't thinking straight. Nicky told me it was fucked up."

"Didn't stop either of you though, did it?"

Piper nodded once. "No, it didn't. I just don't get why you were hiding them from me."

Alex shrugged, her temper now fully deflated. "I was going to send them to you when you got out." The idea sounded stupid to Alex now and she wondered if she would have even gone through with it.

Piper reached over and took hold of one of Alex's hands firmly, "Please Alex. Just tell me what's happening."

Alex looked at Piper, searching her face for something. What was she looking for? Anger? Sadness? Pity? Alex knew she didn't want to see any of those things. She looked into Piper's eyes and saw what she had been looking for, that one emotion she had forgotten to grasp hold of when she welcomed the numbness. One feeling she had forgotten she was supposed to embrace rather than push away and forget. Love. She saw it then in Piper's eyes and she remembered seeing it countless times before, she saw then what she had been doing was selfish and stupid. Wasn't that Alex all over though? Self-absorbed and only ever caring about numero uno. Not anymore, she decided. Not anymore.

"I.. I couldn't deal with it all. The thought of losing you again, whether or not you said you would stay by me through all of this I can't push that feeling away Piper and so I looked for a way to subdue it. First I tried ignoring it and when that didn't work I tried writing. That worked for a while but eventually I grew numb to the security it provided me. Then I realised that all I needed to be was numb and all of these feelings that I had been struggling to keep in would fade and I would be fine, and what makes you more numb than drugs?" She paused, taking in Piper's now rigid stance. "Obviously I can't get my hands on any of the stuff I would have used before so I had to go the legal way. I went to the nurse and got my antidepressants and when they started to stop working I got him to increase my dose. Surprisingly easy. Everything that I had been worried about before just floated away and I was peaceful."

"Alex..."

"Piper, don't. I was being weak and I was running away from the problem instead of facing it. I'm sorry, okay?"

Piper nodded slowly and squeezed Alex's hand before getting up. "I need to go." She mumbled as she walked out of the cube.

"Shit." Alex mumbled, leaning back against the wall and rubbing her temples. Had she just fucked up even more?

Alex lay on the cold and hard surface of her bunk, wishing that tine would pass - it had been a week since she had told Piper what she had been doing and so consequently it had been a week since her last dose of the antidepressants. The pills weren't addictive but it didn't mean she wasn't suffering withdrawal as her body tried to adapt once again to the change. Her mind craved the numbness that i had grown used to and her body was shaking without the drug constantly in her system. She needed something to replace what she had lost, she knew what that something was going to be and exactly where to get it. She avoided Nicky and Piper the best she could till they had gone to work for fear they would work out what she was going to do and once they were gone, she headed straight for the end of the suburb dorm. She looked over the wall at the new junkie who had arrived there the other day, the girl was already so high that she didn't notice Alex enter the cube and search through the cupboard where the solution to her problem was sure to be found. Satisfied when she found the small, transparent, bag of blue pills - valium - she stuffed it into her top and returned to her own cube, barely noticing Nicky as she entered back into the dorm. The pills would not give her the emotional blank she wanted but they would give her plenty of sleep, and as Healy was still keeping her off work, she had plenty of time to kill. Once Nicky had left, ignoring the glance the bushy haired woman had given her, she took out the small bag and balanced one small pill on the pad of her finger. She stared at it for some time, an internal battle raging on inside of her. Wouldn't this just make things worse? Wouldn't it make her weaker, dependent on this substance now. So focused on her own thoughts, Alex didn't register the enraged cry of the junkie from the other end of the dorm and was even less aware when said junkie smashed Alex over the head.

Alex awoke, blurry eyed and with a splitting headache. She wasn't entirely sure what had happened, only that she had been about to take those stupid pills - the pills. Alex looked around hastily for any sign of the pills she assumed she'd dropped when she passed out and breathed a sigh of relief when they were gone. Her temptation had left her. She moved her hand up to rub the back of her head and frowned when her fingers touched a hard, crusty substance that glued the strands of hair together. She pressed down gently on the area and winced, great, just what she needed. Her stomach grumbled and so Alex left the mess on the back of her head to stand shakily and stagger down to the canteen where she was sure they would be serving lunch by now. The line was short and Alex realised that she was late. It didn't take her long to get her tray and she walked tenderly over to the table, flopping down onto the seat. Piper simply ignored her for the minute whilst Nicky gave her an inquisitive stare.

"Saw you in that junkie's cube earlier," Nicky mentioned after a moment. "You know her?"

Alex shook her head a little too quickly and felt the blood sloshing around in her head, she squeezed her eyes shut for a moment whilst she pushed the nauseating feeling away. "Nope, just seeing if she was okay." She eventually replied, opening her eyes again.

Nicky arched a brow unbelievingly at Alex and leaned forward suddenly to look at Alex. Alex, not quite recovered from the blow to her head, jumped and knocked into Piper who stared at her in return.

"You feeling a tad delicate today, Vause?" Nicky chided, narrowing her eyes suspiciously.

Alex stared down at her food, trying not to give any more away and she fidgeted with her hand nervously before realising that she didn't normally fidget and planted her hands down flat on the table, cursing herself internally.

"Alex, why are you fidgeting, what's wrong? You're being weird." Piper chimed, joining Nicky in her suspicious glare.

"Jeez, what is this? The bad cop, bad cop routine?" Alex responded, a nervous laugh escaping her betraying lips. Alex looked down at her food again, the sight of it coupled with the pain in her head made her feel sick. Piper slammed her hand on the table, making Alex jump again.

"I'm so fucking sick of this! When are you going to stop being so stubborn and just tell us what's going on with you?!"

Alex could tell that the only reason Piper wasn't shouting was because she wanted to avoid getting a shot. Alex looked everywhere but at Piper as she desperately tried to think of a response that would allow her to just brush all of this off as if it was nothing. When her sluggish brain failed to comply she just stood abruptly.

"I feel sick." She muttered before taking her tray and dumping her untouched food.

She kept herself from all but running back to her cube. She felt the anxiety, stress, guilt and shame that had been previously so well repressed swirling around her like an angry tornado and she found herself clinging to the memory of the emotionless state she had been in only a week ago. She all but collapsed against her bunk and breathed out heavily, once again pushing away the nausea. She squeezed her eyes shut at the sound of approaching feet and tried to ignore the throbbing pain in her head. She kept her eyes shut when she heard the feet enter her cube and the hands that accompanied those feet searched through her area. When the noise eventually stilled Alex sighed.

"Satisfied with your search?" She snarked.

"This isn't fucking funny, Vause." Nicky snapped.

"Didn't say it was."

"Nicky thanks, I've got it from here." Piper mumbled.

Alex waited till she heard Nicky walked away before she opened her eyes to look at Piper who stood in front of her. "I didn't..."

"I know Alex."

"I mean, I thought about it but.. I don't think I was going to do it."

"You don't think?"

Alex shrugged, "Someone smarted me on the head and then took the pills so, yeah. I don't think."

Piper stared at Alex and then walked over towards Alex to look at the back of her head. "Oh my god, Alex! You need to go see the nurse!"

Alex laughed and shook her head. "No thanks. I'll survive."

Piper scowled but knew that arguing with Alex was useless as she just sat down next to her and cuddled up to her. "Can we go back to normal now?" She murmured.

Alex smiled and kissed the side of Piper's head, taking her hand into her own and soothing her hand with her thumb. "Sure," She chuckled. "Whatever normal is, anyway."

Authors Note:

Hey guys! Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I thought some Vauseman moments were long overdue so I have plenty more planned! Not much to say today besides the usual so; as always, please review and thanks for reading!