Perfectly able to hold my own hand,
But I still can't kiss my own neck.
I wanted to give you everything,
But I still stand in awe of superficial things.
Alex stood still, holding onto Piper tightly. She took a deep breath before pulling away slightly so she could look into Piper's face. "Why do you always run away?" She asked quietly.
Piper stared at Alex silently, emotions playing on her face. "I was scared Alex." She mumbled eventually.
Alex shook her head, "So that means you always have to leave?" She retorted a little sourly.
Understanding flashed across Piper's face and the blonde reached up to cup Alex's face in her hands. "I stand by my decision to leave, Alex."
Alex pulled away from Piper but not enough that she would lose contact with her and shook her head again. "Don't you think you could have at least waited a little longer before you did go though?" Alex asked, she had known that she would have to rehash the past with Piper at some point and she wouldn't be able to let it go until she understood why Piper had chosen that moment to leave her.
Piper sighed quietly and dropped her eyes to where Alex's hands still lay on her waist. "I was scared Alex, I was scared that you would get caught or that I was just going to become another one of your drug mules but what scared me most was that I would have done it eventually because I love you so fucking much that I would have done it because it meant I got to be with you just that little bit longer and that was so much better than the alternative. So yes, I stand by leaving and whilst my timing was so fucking bad I knew that I had to follow through with my decision, because if I didn't I know I wouldn't have been able to leave if I didn't go right then, in that moment. I couldn't live, I couldn't survive, on that fear anymore, Alex." Piper's eyes travelled back up to Alex's. The emotion and honesty were as clear as day in both her words and the sad expression she wore on her face.
"I would have given you the world, Pipes." Alex mumbled, her voice hoarse.
"I didn't want the world, Alex. I wanted you." Piper responded softly, once again caressing Alex's cheek.
Alex nodded once. "So you left."
"So I left." Piper repeated. "But you know what? I would still do it. I would still carry drugs around the world if it meant I got even a second longer with you."
Alex gave a small smile and bent her head down to meet Piper's lips in a small and gentle kiss. "I love you Piper Chapman."
Piper kissed her again and smiled. "I love you too."
"So tell me what he did to you in there."
Piper's whole body went rigid and she tried to tug herself away from Alex but Alex held onto her tightly. "No Piper, you are not fucking running away from this again."
Piper's jaw clenched. "He just knocked me around a bit, not as bad as last time."
Alex nodded stiffly and released Piper. "I have to go to work," She lied easily. "Go and get some rest."
Piper looked at Alex warily. "Please promise me you'll just leave it Alex. Don't do anything stupid."
Alex smiled at Piper the best she could, "When do I ever do anything stupid Pipes?" She sauntered off towards the laundry room and once she was in the safe confines of the damp and dull room she kicked the nearest machine as hard as she could. "God fucking damn it!" She glared at Pennsatucky and Leanne who were looking smugly at her from across the room but made no move to go near them, she didn't care about them anymore. She needed to tear out the root of the problem and watch it as it burned. "Better watch your fat ass Healy." She muttered, picking up the nearest shirt to her and beginning to fold it.
Alex had finished half of her quota for the day and figured she would risk the shot she would get for unfinished work if it meant she got to beat on Healy for a while. She chucked the shirt she held back into the pile and walked out of the laundry room. The corridors were mostly empty, many of the inmates were still out working. She trotted quickly down to Healy's office and was glad to see his door half open and the tell tale glow of his lamp filtered out from the gap. She entered without knocking and shut the door behind her, the noise made Healy look up. His features clouding when he saw Alex and he jutted up his chin almost defensively.
"What are you doing in here, inmate?"
"I came to talk to you." Alex said innocently, making her way over to Healy's desk.
He nodded stiffly. "I'm not your counsellor inmate. Exit the office and return to work immediately before I write you a shot." He commanded.
"I don't think that's what you want to do." Alex retorted, her own tone darkening now.
Healy looked confused for a moment but realisation settled upon his features eventually. Alex looked at him, smugly, as realisation was replaced with fear. Alex knew she was intimidating and played it to her advantage.
"I would like to know, Mr. Healy, why you think it's okay to abuse my girlfriend. Oh yeah, I know about everything that you've done to her, I mean, took me a while to get it all out of her but I managed it eventually. So I know about how you hit her, threatened her and then even tried to shove your fat little dick into her. Bet you regret that though, huh? She remembered those wonderful self-defense classes I made her go to see, you're kinda lucky she didn't rip it off really." Alex stated calmly, masterfully disguising the red hot burning anger she felt inside.
Healy stared at her, dumbstruck, mouth half open. "I..I...I didn't!" He eventually managed to spout out.
Alex smiled at him, and placed her hands on his desk, pushing a few of those stupid bobble headed figurines he kept onto the floor. "You keep saying that, it's only going to get worse for you.."
Healy seemed to regain some of his composure. "I'll get you sent down to max if you so much as even lay a finger on me Vause." He spat.
"Wasn't planning on it." Alex admitted, shrugging gently. "I was actually thinking something a little more extravagant."
Healy opened his mouth to reply but Caputo burst into the office then, "Sam. We need you in the kitchens, something about oil and flour; I don't know. Just fix it."
"Catch you later, Sam." Alex smirked, walking out of the small office and back towards the laundry room. She was annoyed that she didn't get to actually do anything to Healy but the extra time gave her a chance to really fuck him over; an added bonus. Healy still wasn't back in his office after she had finished work so she headed straight for the canteen instead, she got her tray and sat down beside Nicky, who she was pretty sure was playing footsie with Morello under the table. She ate quietly for a while, barely looking up from her tray as people entered and left. Now that she had been given some time to calm down she was regretting the threats she had made, Healy had the power to just make something up and send her off to SHU for god knows how long. Piper sat down opposite Alex and nudged her leg to get her attention. Alex looked up and smiled at the blonde, searching her face for any kind of new trauma. She hadn't thought about that either, if she did something to Healy and got sent to SHU for it; Piper was fucked. Piper didn't bother talking to Alex over the table, instead they settled for the minimal contact of knee on knee as they ate until Alex had finished and got up to head back to her cube. She sat heavily on her bed, weighed down by the new burden that she had created for herself and sighed, grabbing her paper and a pencil.
4 months, 1 week and 2 days.
Dear Pipes,
I'm pretty sure that these are going to get more frequent now because I feel like I'm fucking up again and I for sure can't talk to you about it because I know the second that I try I'll just balk and say 'fuck it'. I know that things are as far from easy or pleasant or even okay for you right now and I'm doing my best to stay strong for you and not to do anything stupid. Well, maybe I'm not trying as hard as I could be at that second bit. I was so close to fucking up Leanne, not that she didn't deserve it for ratting you out. Pennsatucky is lucky I couldn't get my hands on her. I think I might have really fucked up this time though, Pipes. For me and you. After you told me what he'd done to you.. I just couldn't think straight and I felt so fucking angry, at him and at myself because I can't protect you in here. No matter how hard I try I can't. It's my fault you're in here and now it's my fault that he's doing all of this shit to you. Pipes I went to see him and I threatened him and he's probably going to throw me in the SHU and it's going to be so much worse for you.
Piper, I know that this really doesn't mean anything to you now, but I am so sorry. You told me not to do anything stupid and I couldn't see past you not wanting me to get thrown in SHU. I didn't think about the implications that it would have on you; fuck, I never do. I want you to know that I forgave you a long time ago for leaving me and whilst I didn't feel good about it and I was still pissed at you for doing it when you did, I didn't hate you for it. If anything all I wanted was to have you back in my arms and when I couldn't have that I settled for being numb. I know the track record is shit, but I really do love you.
I'm so
As if the COs had been reading her letter as she was writing it, right on time Healy and Bennett arrived at the entrance to her cube. She left the letter on her bed and stood up, locking eyes with Piper briefly before looking at Healy solidly. She nodded at Bennett and held out her arms so she could be cuffed. Of course he was sending her to SHU. She closed her eyes as Bennett tugged her arms around to her back and felt the cold steel encircle her wrists. He pushed her gently to tell her to start walking and she opened her eyes again, looking apologetically at Piper before gesturing to Nicky to go to her bunk and read the letter, maybe if Nicky knew what she had done she could help protect Piper. Just before she was led out of the dorm Alex glanced behind her and saw both Piper and Nicky reading the letter. She sighed but held her head high as she was marched out to the van and taken back to SHU.
"Enjoy your stay." Healy grinned as he shut the door of the tiny cell.
Alex stayed silent as she stood in the middle of the box. She looked around and pushed down the panic she felt from being in here again, she took a deep breath and let her mind shut off. Only focusing on picking back the routine she had made all that time ago the last time she'd gotten stuck in here. "It's going to be okay." Alex muttered. "It's going to be okay."
Alex couldn't help but imagine what Piper felt as she was reading that last letter. She hoped Nicky would help her. Alex hated herself for being so irresponsible and selfish, she hadn't thought about Piper when she was in Healy's office. Not once. It was just about quelling her anger, it was about her. As usual. She crawled onto the floor and planted the heels of her boots on the floor, starting her routine of sit-ups. Each time she sat up she would think about what Piper might say to her when she got out and each time she went down again she would push it away. She couldn't focus on the 'what ifs' and 'maybes' they would send her mad. She needed to stay strong in here, she needed to be okay because she will have to deal with the mess she's made when she gets out of this place. Alex grunted against the strain she could already feel in her stomach, she'd gotten out of practice. She pushed on, focusing on the burn in her muscles and only allowing herself a five second rest after she had finished the 100 sit-ups before moving on to doing push ups. Alex couldn't protect Piper all the time, that was true. She was going to make damn sure she could protect her when she was with her at least.
3 weeks later.
Alex stepped back into the prison, taking a deep breath of the familiar smell she had grown to miss. Prison smell was far from pleasant but it was home. She walked towards the suburbs and was glad to see all of her stuff still in her cube, although Leanne's was gone. Not that Alex particularly cared about that. The dorm was empty due to it being dinner time, despite being hungry Alex decided to skip dinner. She wasn't sure she was ready to see Piper yet; she didn't know what she would find and whatever it was she was going to find she sure as hell didn't want an audience. Instead, she chewed on the inside of her cheek and sat on her bed, waiting. She soon heard the chatter of voices that meant the women were returning from dinner and she sat up, staring at the doors that led into the dorm waiting for Piper to appear. When Piper didn't appear, Alex frowned and got up. Maybe Piper had gone to the rec room? It wasn't the semi-privacy that the dorms would give them but she couldn't stand waiting anymore. She had to stop pussyfooting around this. Alex walked quickly to the rec room and looked through the window. Piper, Nicky and Morello were sat around the scrabble table laughing. Alex smiled but hid herself around the corner, she was glad to see that Piper looked happy and from what she had seen through the window she looked healthier than before.
"Hey Vause." Nicky's voice echoed through the corridor.
"Oh, hey Nicky." Alex responded, eyeing her warily.
"Chill out. Why are you hiding out here?"
Alex shrugged.
"Aww, how sweet. Not ready to face your girl yet? I get it. Well, no I don't actually because you kinda fucked up."
Alex looked at Nicky wide-eyed then. "Did he-"
Nicky held up a hand to tell Alex to be quiet. "He didn't do anything to her after you got carted away, she was pretty fuckin' upset though and that was a pain in my ass to deal with."
Alex sighed relieved. "Is she mad at me?"
Nicky chuckled, "No. But she's going to be if you keep hiding from her."
Alex smiled and followed Nicky into the rec room, she sat down on a chair Nicky had pulled up for her and said hello to Morello before locking eyes with Piper.
"Pipes I am so sorry.." Alex began.
"Alex. Stop, it's okay. I'm just glad you're fine." Piper cut her off, squeezing her hand before returning her attention to the scrabble game in front of her.
Alex nodded and watched them play for a while, Morello was struggling and Alex leaned round to look at her letters and help her out - earning protests from both Nicky and Piper. Alex laughed, once again letting the relief fill her with that cheap high that things were still going to be okay and maybe, just maybe, she had actually managed to do something semi-right for a change. Maybe Healy really would leave Piper alone now.
Authors Note:
Hey guys, shortish chapter today. I couldn't think of the best way to end this chapter so I ended up with that and whilst I'm not totally happy with it I seriously can't re-write it anymore than that. Hope you guys are having a good week, as always please leave a review and thanks for reading!