Even though he did not like what he read in the 'what to expect' book, he still forced himself the next day to walk into the local bookstore before he went to work. He found the pregnancy section and thought; holy god there must be ten thousand books; on everything pregnancy related. Information overland was an understatement. Even the new fathers section had tons of different books.
There was 'The New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First Year', 'The Expectant Father', 'The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers' ,'Coaching for Fatherhood: Teaching Men New Life Roles 'and 'Dad's survival guide' and that was only on the first though it was only 70 degrees out, he already had sweat rolling down his back.
Lexi had opted to stay at his apartment and catch up on paperwork. So here he was carrying 4 books up to the cash register. It gave him a slight sickening nervous yet exciting feeling in the pit of his stomach. The young man at the register gave him awkward looks as he rang him through.
"New dad?" He asked.
"Yeah."
He handed Derek a pamphlet from under the desk. "There's this community 'New Fathers' support group that meets on Fridays." He told him. Derek wondered if this dude was part of it. He looked way to young.
"Thanks." But no thanks, he thought. He figured out his own action plan. Take it one step at a time. First thing was reading the books; then—well he hadn't decided on what came after that.
As he walked back to his car (was it just him noticing it?) he saw like 5 different men out with their children of all ages. All in a matter of 3 minutes. He must have been seeing things.
He quickly stashed the books away in his desk before Prentiss or Reid could see his reading material. He tried working but the first case his picked up had 3 child victims. The second was an abduction of a 7 year old. The third looked liked like a usual case; killer and victims; but when he saw the face of the first victim (a 20 something black woman, who left a 2 month old baby in the world) he flung them back into the pile of 'consultations'. Everything seemed to bother him.
He called Lexi on his home phone. No answer. Panicking slightly, he dialled her cellphone.
"Hello?"
He breathed a sigh of relief. "Where are you?" He demanded more forcibly then intended. And it also sounded very whiny.
"I'm downstairs with your dog."
"You're supposed to be resting." He snapped for the thousandth time.
"I'm sitting on the steps." She snapped back. He could picture her saying 'you moron' under her breath.
"I was just worried." Again, whiny. Since when did he turn into such a wimp?
"Well don't be. I'm a big girl. You'll know if I need you." Did that mean she didn't need him at all?
"Okay. Call me if you do need anything." He said goodbye and hung up. Now what was he going to do instead of actual work? He paid more attention to Reid and his statistics then ever before. He answered emails 2 weeks old. He went through all the case files on his desk looking for something remotely unrelated. Preferably something with bombs. Or obsessive. Those were his specialties.
His accomplished his morning of avoiding case files. On his lunch, he sat with Penelope (who chattered incessantly about babies to him, ever since he had told her) and Reid (who spewed off the latest statistics of the government reports he had read ten minutes ago). But he preferred being here then back at his desk. Those cases were burning a hole in his desk. However he was saved from that fate. Instead his boss pulled him into his office.
*~*
Aaron Hotchner was not the unit chief for nothing. He had been in the BAU for 10 years, 5 of them as the chief. He was successful in most of what he did, marriage aside. He had always had that drive to be the best ever since childhood. Although he wasn't the best father, or husband, he clearly did better than his dear old dad.
When you were embarking out on life your father usually gave you some pointers on life, marriage and parenthood. They were supposed to anyways. His father had died young and never got around to it. Cancer took up all of his father's thoughts and he hadn't gotten that chance to spread any wisdom. Not that he would have if he had lived. But that was besides the point.
Morgan had obviously never gotten those words either. Hotch knew that the Chicago cop had died in a robbery when Morgan was ten. So they had one thing in common. He knew he should have reached out sooner to the young man. It wasn't going to get any less awkward. He felt an obligation-nay duty, to support his agents. They saw so much destruction already. And being a parent in the BAU was not easy. His marriage could attest to that. Secretly he knew about the casualty list he had been added to. He did not want Morgan to be on that list.
"How are you doing?" He asked when Morgan sat down across from him.
"Fine." Morgan answered, somewhat honestly. So Hotch started his spiel (that he had thought of the night before).
"You know, when I joined the BAU no one told me what it would do to my marriage. Or my relationships. Not many people will tell you that it's a piece of cake." He didn't mean to sound so depressing. But Morgan was patiently waiting.
He tried again. "Being a father is the best and scariest thing in the world. You have absolutely no control over it. When Hayley was pregnant with Jack, I had no idea what to do. About anything. Most of the men in this building won't admit it; but I think they felt that way to. It's that normal."
Derek was unnerved at how well his boss could see through him. Hotch rarely let any kind of emotion through his stoic face, because that was what the job demanded, it was strange hearing him be so honest.
He didn't know what to say back, so Hotch continued. "One thing that never happened to me was that no one ever took me aside and told me what it was going to bed like. It might have cut out a lot of tension and anxiety I had."
Derek's face must have given him away. "Yes I had anxiety. I'm not superman. No matter how much Garcia likes to think I am."
"So what is it like then?" Derek asked. This was probably the only real opportunity where Hotch wasn't just his boss, but a mentor.
Hotch paused and thought. "It was incredibility- new. Stressful. A lot of pressure. Thrilling. Different. It's different for everyone."
They sat through another awkward silence.
"I just wanted you to know, that if you need anything, we're here." Hotch finished.
"Thanks man." Derek let out a loud sigh. "I keep feeling like I'm a huge failure or something. At least you were married."
"Marriage isn't the answer Derek. Not unless you're absolutely sure it's for you. In this job it's really tough to hold a family together. Especially if you want to move up."
"I know." Derek stood up and shook his hand, something he had not done in a few years. "Thanks again."
"Your welcome. I'm here if you need to talk." Hotch felt his task was relatively successful.
*~*
Derek went home that evening (because he finally got around to those hideous case files) and found Lexi asleep on the couch. Clooney lay on her feet and raised his head to greet his owner.
TLC's 'A baby story' was playing on the television. He quickly changed it to the local sports channel and shook Lexi awake.
"Hey." She said groggily. "What time is it?"
"Like 8 o'clock."
"God, I'm so tired all the time." She sat up to make room for him.
"That's not surprising." He casually ran his fingers through her hair. She gave him the most beautiful sleepy smile ever.
"I'm gonna mess up a lot." He informed her. She might as well know what to expect.
"And I'm not?" She countered.
"Your reading those books." She chuckled.
"I've only read like 3 chapters. You don't think I'm having doubts?" Her smile went away.
"No. You seem to be handling it fine. Me, not so much."
She rested her head against his shoulder. "I do. Obviously we didn't plan this. Sometimes I wonder how it's gonna work out."
"It'll work out just fine." He hugged her tightly. "Promise." He said and kissed her deeply.
*~*
OK so what did you think of this chapter? Please Review! Things should be picking up fairly quickly with the second storyline (Hotch/Prentiss) which I am excited for. I hope your enjoy reading as much as I have enjoyed writing.