Disclaimer: Check my pockets… empty - that's what I thought, therefore I can't be JKR and cannot possibly own the Harry Potter universe… unless someone else is carrying my money for me…

A/N: I am so sorry! For anyone that cares, I've been really busy with school stuff and other crap like that and so haven't had the time or energy to update. Mix that up with a bit of writer's block and you have one frustrated authorette. On a happier note, I'm updating now so… :D

Thank you to all reviewers, story/author alertees, people who put this as a favourite story or me as a favourite author, and to all the people that read this. You're the best!

The first couple of lines in italics are a recap from the previous chapter.

Again, all mistakes are mine… this time with no beta pre-checks as I didn't have the patience to wait for Aidan to get his butt in motion. ;)

So, here we go – chapter 2 of Muggles, Fan Mail and Metamorphmagus Werewolves, a little bit later than I expected, but… enjoy!

Muggles, Fan Mail and Metamorphmagus Werewolves
Chapter 2: Theft in the Gene Pool

'You,' he said dangerously, just as his wife and son came to peer around his large frame.

Harry took a deep breath and looked up at the three people he thought, hoped, he'd never see in this setting.

'Uncle Vernon.'

People surrounding Harry gasped, hearing how he'd addressed the new arrival - whispering incredulously to their friends and the people beside them. The news seemed to spread like wild fire, searing across the room until the whole hall knew of the connection between Harry and the strange family standing in the doorway.

Uncle Vernon's moustache bristled as he eyed Harry with the dislike Harry had become accustomed to; oblivious to the attention he was getting from the other occupants of the hall.

'So,' he growled, 'You did this!'

The room went silent, every ear straining to hear what was being said; hundreds of eyes flickering between the pair, giving the impression they were watching a very uncoordinated tennis match.

'What are you talking about? Did what?' Harry asked, wondering what he'd supposed to have done this time.

'You brought us here!' Uncle Vernon yelled, causing the onlookers to jump, 'You brought us here, you take us back! Take us back home! I knew you were lying from the beginning, boy, all this rubbish about Lord Voldy-whatsit! It was all a lie, wasn't it? It was all a plan to get us out of the house!'

Harry stared at him, mouth agape. Apparently, even after all this time, even after all the evidence there was, Uncle Vernon still didn't believe him. He glanced at his Aunt and cousin, who were still peaking out from behind his Uncle's bulky form. His Aunt's pale eyes were darting around the room as though expecting something to attack, his cousin fearfully edging towards the wall so he could put his back to it.

'I don't want your house!' he said incredulously after a beat.

'Well… take us back home then,' stated Vernon stubbornly.

'I can't! I've not been there since the day you left – I don't know what's happened to it! There could be Death Eaters or… curses -'

'Ha! You've done something, haven't you?' Uncle Vernon interrupted, 'You've used your… thing.' Somewhere behind Harry, Ron snorted.

'I've not done anything to your house!' Harry said loudly. Unfortunately, Teddy chose this point to cry out, startled by his tone. The family of three all stared down at the baby in his arms, noticing for the first time that there was a baby there. Uncle Vernon's face changed from astonishment to comprehension to malice, before his family could recover from shock.

'So,' he said finally, his tone deadly, 'this is what you've been doing. Telling us a cock and bull story about a murderer to get us out of the house, so you and your knocked up girlfriend could stay there!' The vein in his forehead was pulsing rapidly, his voice getting louder with every word he spoke.

'What!' Harry yelped, his disbelief barely audible over the excited whispers that now filled the hall.

'Which one is it then?' he said, peering nastily at the people surrounding him, 'who's the mother? Because I'm telling you now, boy, you'll be hearing from my lawyer!'

'What are you talking about?!' Uncle Vernon ignored him.

'Or maybe,' he mused to himself, 'maybe you did it in our house. Yes, yes that's it, we've been gone for long enough…' his piggy eyes fixed on Harry and the room grew silent once more. 'So, you showed a girl 'round our house pretending it was yours, did you?'

Harry's jaw hung open slackly as he gazed at his uncle in disbelief. Anger flooded through him at his Uncle's incompetence; seeping from the pit of his stomach to his feet and the tips of his hair. Almost 17 years of pent-up anger at his 'family' was dangerously near boiling point, their 'crimes' flickering through his head like a tape on fast-forward.

'Yeah,' he said, his mouth savouring the word, dripping with sarcasm, 'that's right. A few muggle girls in the neighbourhood, you know? Yeah I reckon it works best on them. All I have to say is: Hi! My name is Harry James Potter and I'm a wizard. Wanna see some magic?'

Uncle Vernon sputtered while the rest of the hall was flavoured with giggles.

'Of course,' Harry continued, tone ragged, voice rising, eyes almost penetrating his Uncle's, 'I always have to let them know that every single moment they spend with me puts them and their family in danger. That at any moment dark wizards could appear out of thin air and destroy everyone on their family tree, every one of their friends! That's been known to put them off,' he spat finally.

Harry was fuming; almost shaking with rage - he hadn't felt this angry in a very long time... he'd forgotten what a release it was.

'Ah-hah, so you admit it!' said Uncle Vernon triumphantly.

Harry closed his eyes and let out a long sigh, through gritted teeth, seemingly oblivious to his Uncle's continuous snide remarks: '... get you for breaking and entering and driving us out of the house. I hope they put you in a padded cell, boy - that's all you're good for. You don't even think about escaping! I'll make sure..."

Harry blocked out his Uncle's tirade and instead focused his attention on the little bundle in his arms. Teddy was squirming in his lap, frowning in discomfort. Issuing low wails which Harry had a feeling would turn into full-on screaming if he didn't do something soon. Luckily Mrs. Tonks seemed to share his sentiments and she rushed forward to relieve him of his weeping burden. He thanked her under his breath and stood up.

Pulling himself up to his full height, he strode towards his Uncle purposefully. Over the months he, Ron and Hermione had been away he had grown a couple more inches; so it was with a slight condescending air that he walked up to his shorter ex-guardian, revelling in the 10cm height difference.

Uncle Vernon was cataloguing his every move, calculating it warily for any sign of attack. Harry stopped and stared down at his Uncle. After a few moments of silence in which the whole hall seemed to hold it's breath, Harry spoke in a slow, somewhat monotonous voice.

'I have not been to your house in months, I didn't put any curses on it and I definitely didn't have a child there. Why would I even do that? All the happy memories…?'

'Then how can you exp-?'

'Teddy,' Harry said loudly across his Uncle, 'is my Godson. He's a metamorphmagus, which means he can change his appearance at will. He copied my appearance.'

Vernon sputtered, trying and failing to find another "crime" committed by his nephew.

'So,' Harry continued shortly, 'what are you doing here?'

Uncle Vernon squinted at him as though trying to see his question in the air around his head. Harry could almost see the cogs turning in his Uncle's head, trying to figure out why he was there.

'Those authors you sent us with,' he said finally, 'they had to come here, so we had to come too.' His voice was clipped, moustache bristling at the thought of people thinking him incompetent.

'What? Authors...? Oh, you mean Aurors! Wait - they're here?' Harry's frowning eyes darted past his vast Uncle, as though expecting to see Deadalus Diggle and Heista Jones standing in his shadow. When this was not the case, however, he turned his gaze back over his Uncle, who was frowning at a couple of weedy looking first years sitting at the Hufflepuff table.

Turning his attention back to his nephew, Vernon grunted in the affirmative and glowered at him, obviously thinking that the people Harry sent to 'protect' him and his family with weren't nearly respectable enough. Harry raised his eyebrows in response and looked wearily down at his Uncle, anger dissipating in the wake of lethargy.

'Well, you're here now, so… well - there's nothing I can do about it,' he sighed, resigned, turning his back on the three and walking over to sit next to Hermione; staring at the empty plate at his place jadedly.

Unobtrusive sighs and groans erupted all around the hall; many of his peers seemed to have been looking forward to a full-on fight. His Aunt spluttered.

'What…?' she said breathlessly, 'you can't leave us in this… this place!'

'I'm staying here, so, technically, I'm not leaving you anywhere. And anyway, didn't you once want to be here…?' Harry looked over at Petunia. Her thin face was contorted with shock and grief, mouth moving soundlessly as if she was whispering fluidly under her breath. She looked fragile. Not just her body – for once it seemed her mind was breakable too… her unyielding façade slipping for a moment…

Harry broke her gaze and went back to examining his plate. 'You're safer here,' he said softly to the reflective gold surface, watching himself as he did so.

He could feel his Aunt's stare for a moment, but when he looked up she had turned to her husband.

'Well? You heard him! We're safer here.' She said to Vernon, her tone just short of her usually brisk tenor. Uncle Vernon gawped at her and appeared to choke slightly on his tongue.

'B-But, Petunia… dear-?'

'No, Vernon.' She took a tentative seat at the Gryffindor table, a couple of spaces apart from everyone else on either side, and looked pointedly at her husband whom had remained standing.

'We'll just have to make the best of it.' A ghost of a smile played over her lips.

To be continued…

A/N: I'll try to update sooner this time – I have a day off school tomorrow (I'm sick) and a long weekend so that might be possible… maybe… :S