Disclaimer - see chapter 1)

Thanks to Susan for taking the time to beta this. I know you're awfully busy and I'm very grateful for all your help!!

Nervously shifting on her seat, she looked down at her plate.
They had not talked all that much tonight. Every other time she would have been glad about that, but tonight it just felt awkward.

Looking towards her daughter, Emily fixed her gaze on her plate again, feeling sick to her stomach. The doctors had changed her medication yet again and she felt nauseated. Even though she had tried to eat more slowly than usual and only take small bites, she knew that it had not gone unnoticed by her child. At least Lorelai had not made any snide remarks about it this time.
Taking her glass, she took a small sip, hoping this farce would end soon.

Richard gazed from one woman to the other, desperately trying to come up with something to say to break the icy silence.
"Rory called yesterday," he finally stated immediately regretting his choice of topic when Lorelai's head snapped in his direction, her eyes widening.

Trying to sound calm, she put on a fake smile. "Really? What did she want?"

"Just say hello, I guess." He shrugged, wondering why his daughter had reacted so strangely.

"Well, that's nice." Lorelai stated matter-of-factly and concentrated on her food again.

Emily furrowed her brow at the slight fretfulness in her daughter's voice and studied her profile. "You seem surprised that she called."

"N-no?" Lorelai shook her head, confused by the accusation she sensed in her mother's tone.

The older woman rested her wrists on the table, raising her slender eyebrows. "Why is it so difficult for you to believe that our granddaughter would call just to say hello?"

She rolled her eyes, her annoyance clearly audible, "It's not, Mom."

"You made it sound like it." Emily snapped, feeling as if she had to defend herself.

"Well, I thought that …" Lorelai trailed off, not sure how to finish the sentence at all. Pushing the peas around with her fork, she hoped that her mother would just let it go.

"What?"

"I don't know what I thought." She shrugged in defeat and let the silverware fall to her plate. Crossing her arms over her chest, she leaned back in her chair, staring at the center piece. "I don't know what I'm allowed to think, or to say, or to do anymore."

Silence fell between them.

Taking a deep breath, Lorelai, kept staring at the flower arrangement in the middle of the table. This was going in the wrong direction. She wanted her mother to talk to her about it, not make her mad. If she made her mad, she would never find out more about her condition.

Emily put her silverware down, dabbed the corner of her mouth with the napkin, and placed it on the table, somewhat glad that she would not have to eat any more. She took a deep breath to calm herself and then looked at her daughter. "Lorelai, if you think either of us would tell Rory about my condition over the phone you are wrong. As I told you before; I did not want anybody to know at all. Now that you know about it, it is up to you what to do and how to deal with this information." Standing up, she looked at her husband. "If you'd excuse me now, I'd like to go and lie down for a bit."

Nodding slightly, Lorelai was taken aback by the calmness in her mother's voice. There had been an underlying warning in it, but the fact that she had not yelled at her was almost creepy.
Her hands balled into fists, she pushed her lower lip forward slightly, her eyes never leaving the soft, cream-colored petal on which they had fixed. Not sure what to do next, she listened to her mother slowly climbing the stairs.

Richard was unsure whether he should go and see if his wife needed his help. She had told him earlier that day that she did not feel well and with as little as she had eaten he was afraid that she did not have much strength left in her body. Listening closely, he mentally readied himself to run for the stairs if she called for him. He knew she did not want their daughter to know how bad she felt, so going after her right now was out of the question.
Fixing his eyes on his daughter, he felt somewhat sorry for her. If only he could find a way to tell her. Making up his mind, he folded his hands and took a deep breath. "She did sound a little suspicious."

Lorelai's head snapped in his direction at the sound of his voice. "Who?"

"Rory." He furrowed his brow, confused that she had not been able to follow his thoughts. "She sounded suspicious yesterday."

Still not completely understanding what her father was talking about, she asked again. "'Bout what?"

"Well, she asked how her grandmother was doing three times during the call." He raised his brow, waiting for her answer.

Shrugging, she tried to brush it off. "She's just stressed, Dad."

"Is she?" he inquired further, not at all satisfied with her answer.

Lorelai shot him a look that reminded him of her mother, her voice sharp. "What are you implying with that? Do you think I told her anything? Well, I didn't."

"I didn't mean to imply anything, but I am glad to hear that." He cocked his head to the side, nodding slightly as he leaned back in his chair.

"I don't want to tell her over the phone. I don't want her to come back here because she thinks she has to," Lorelai ranted, not noticing the slight relaxation in her father's features at all. "I just want to understand what's going on here." She looked him deep in the eyes, her gaze pleading.

"I am sorry, Lorelai but I am not able to give you any further details."

"You mean she doesn't let you." She spat, pointing her finger in the direction of the stairs.

Richard sat up straight in his chair, his voice showing his rising anger as he warned her, "Do not raise your voice to me like that."

"Why? It's the truth!" Lorelai argued, trying not to show the fear his anger made her feel. She hated herself for feeling like a six-year-old child in his presence.

Standing up, he saw that it was no use to talk to her any longer. "I think it would be better for you to leave now."

She was taken aback by the sudden calmness in his voice but recovered quickly. Standing up, she headed straight for the door, almost forgetting her coat. Luckily the maid rushed towards her as she crossed the foyer, handing it to her before she proceeded to open the front door.

Richard looked after his daughter even after she was out of sight, somewhat dumbstruck. He tried to think of the next logical step, but could not come up with anything. Taking a deep breath, he walked towards his study, quietly closing the door behind him. He poured himself a drink, downing it in one gulp and refilling the glass. How he hated this situation.
It had never been easy to watch these two fight, but he had never known it could get even harder. They had been getting along rather well in the past few months and part of him had hoped that it would stay this way.

"Wishful thinking," he mumbled and looked at the contents of his glass. Scotch. Emily preferred Vodka. To this day he did not understand why.

Sitting down on the couch, he let the amber liquid swirl in the crystal cut glass and looked at the clock. He would give her another five minutes or so. That should be enough for her to calm down. Maybe he should not drink Scotch. She would smell it. That was one of the good things about Vodka. Well, she was mad as it was. If she wanted to scream and shout to get it out of her system, he would give her a reason; if she didn't want to, she would let it pass. Richard emptied the glass and headed for the bedroom.
Whatever she needed.

Pulling the sheets up around her, she rolled on her side, facing away from the door. How she wished she could just fall asleep and make this awful day end. Staring in the direction of the window, she huffed in frustration. It was much too early to go to sleep. Any healthy person would be having after dinner drinks right now.
...Any healthy person. She took a deep breath. Not she. Not anymore. Emily felt sick. Sick and frustrated and alone.

What had happened to the times she had been glad to be left alone? What had happened to her? Biting the inside of her cheek to keep the tears at bay she felt angry at herself.
'You have been through tough situations before.' she scolded herself. 'You are strong. You always were. Nothing's changed.'
Nothing's changed? No, that was not true. Everything had changed. Not right after the doctors had found out about the seriousness of her illness, but afterwards. Slowly it had crept into their life. All those minor changes that suddenly grew bigger, taking away her liberty little by little.

Hearing the door being opened, she snapped out of her musings.
Richard. There was a sudden flash of sadness running through her system. She needed him. She needed him to come to her and put his arms around her, to hold her close and tell her everything would be okay. He had done so multiple times in the past months. But she would not make him do it anymore.
She had seen the changes in his eyes, the changes in his demeanor. She had drained him. First this illness had taken her strength and now it was taking her husband's through her. She could not tell him she needed him. He had already given so much.

Feeling him lying down behind her, she turned her head. "What are you doing?"

"Snuggling up to the wife?" He shrugged, grinning boyishly.

Emily turned her head back to hide the smile that tugged at her lips. "You're on the wrong side of the bed."

Sliding his arm around her, he pulled her towards him. "From what I can tell, I'm exactly where I should be."

She bit her lip, feeling tears dwell up in her eyes, scolding herself for them. "Don't you think that's a little uncomfortable?"

"I was hoping you'd realize that and just crawl further to the middle." He gently kissed a spot behind her ear, brushing her hair back with his nose.

Smiling, she did as he'd asked, feeling his hand sliding over her side to rest against her stomach. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Why do you do this?"

Richard propped himself up on one elbow and gazed down at her. "Because I love you."

Her smile widened involuntarily. Opening her eyes, she rolled on her back to look up at him. "I don't deserve you."

"Don't say that." His voice was low as he bent down to kiss her lightly on the lips. "You deserve more than me." Stopping her from saying something, he went on. "You have done so much for me in all these years and never complained." He watched her roll her eyes and chuckled. "Well, at least not as much as you could have."
Receiving a well-deserved slap against the chest, he caught her hand in his. "You've been there for me when I needed you. Now please let me be there for you when you need me." Richard kissed the backs of her fingers, as they locked gazes.

She felt tears burning behind her eyes. Not trusting her voice enough, she just nodded and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him close. Her face buried in his neck, she took a deep shuddering breath, unable to keep some tears from escaping her eyes.

"It's okay to cry, Emmy."

"No, it's not." She sniffed, grabbing the front of his shirt. She felt him brushing his hand through her hair and looked up. "I don't want to cry anymore."

"Please, darling." He pressed a kiss to her forehead, mumbling against it. "Don't hold it back."

"Don't, Richard." Shaking her head, she pulled back to look into his eyes again. "I can't cry all the time, even if I feel like it. We talked about that before, remember?" Watching him looking away, nodding, she went on. "I love you for wanting to be here for me but I can't let you. I can't let you suffer just because I do." She turned her head away, unable to look into his eyes.

He looked down at her, surprised by what she had said. "That's the way you feel about it?" Gently cupping her cheek, he made her look at him again, and shook his head. "Is this why you did not want me to know about that phone call the other day?"

Emily looked away again. "I'm tired."

Hearing her voice break, he knew she would not tell him more, whether he pushed her now or not.
Richard pulled away, smiling when his wife suddenly grabbed his arm. "I won't leave." He bent down to kiss her forehead. "Let me just change into my pajamas, okay?"

Nodding, she smiled weakly at him, grateful that he did not make her talk about things she could not explain. "Come back soon."

"Five minutes." He smiled.

"Two." Her lips curled up at his low chuckle, but she waited for him to nod nonetheless before she finally let go of him. Rolling on her side, she let herself relax, knowing the man she loved would soon put his arms around her, whether she was asleep by then or not.

Lorelai was angry at the world. Turning right, she finally saw the sign that welcomed her to Stars Hollow.
With all the things running through her head, she had taken a wrong turn more than once and the ride that usually took not more than thirty minutes had taken her well over an hour. Something in the back of her head told her she should be grateful for the extra time in the car. She had been able to turn up the volume of the radio and just drive, letting her anger subside. If only it had worked better. It usually did.

Pulling into her driveway, she turned off the engine, the music dying as well.
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, regretting it when she saw her mother's face in front of her. Growling in frustration, she opened the door and grabbed her purse.

Forcefully pushing the front door open, she threw it closed, the glass windows in it vibrating at the intensity of the impact. Seeing Paul Anka giving her a strange look, she yelled at him. "Don't look at me like that; that damn door just had it comin'!"
She brushed past him, heading towards the kitchen. Roaming through the cabinets, she prayed for some kind of comfort food to calm her.

Not finding any, she slumped down on a chair and screamed in frustration. Breathing heavily, she closed her eyes, feeling tears building behind her eyelids.
Why had she gone there? She had known something like this would happen, and still part of her had made her go. A stupid part. So very stupid.
How she wished she could just call Rory. She surely would know what to do. Or at least she would be able to calm her nerves.

No, she would not give in to this particular thought. She could only imagine what would happen when her daughter finally found out about her grandma's condition.
They had had their differences in the past, but strangely enough those two had worked their way through them. How she wished she would be able to work her way through to her mother. But this woman was just so damn stubborn.

Lorelai huffed in frustration. Looking around, she wondered what to do next. She couldn't go to bed; she would not be able to fall sleep anyway. Coffee. Looking at her watch, she shook her head. No, that would not help either. It would make things worse.

Maybe she could go over to Sookie's. At least she knew what was wrong… well, Luke knew too. No, not really. But at least he knew something was wrong. And Luke did not have kids. Well, he did not have kids that were asleep at this time. She suddenly wondered what time April usually went to bed, even though it was not important; she was not in Stars Hollow at the moment.

Leaning forward, she crossed her arms on the tabletop and rested her forehead against them. Friday. Almost a week had passed since she had gone through those initial tests, thinking her mother would be happy if she found out that she would give her a kidney. Now she was not so sure anymore.
If only time would pass more quickly. She would have the results by now, Rory would be back, she could straighten things out – everything would be okay, but no. Nothing was okay, and at this point in time she was not sure she would be able to straighten out anything. What took Joshua so long to get the results anyway? He had said he would get them for her. Quickly. A week was not "quickly."

She felt tired.
It was too early in the evening to feel so tired. Well, it was the typical I-survived-another-Friday-Night-Dinner tired, but it was too early.

Dragging her body up the stairs, she decided she'd try to sleep anyway. Maybe tomorrow Doctor Reynolds would call her. Stopping in her tracks, she thought further; what if not? She sighed and continued up the stairs. Well, if he didn't call her, she would call him.

Author's note:
Thanks for the wonderful reviews I've got. I think I'll continue posting here... Now let me answer those of you who took the time to make me feel special:

Monarules
I'm VERY glad to have you back!
Well, you could always leave an anonymous review if you're too lazy to log in 0:o) It's good to know you have been 'reading and loving' it!
Yes, there's going to be talks. But I need action between talks... I just can't hurry things, it's not in my nature. ;o)

Poppinswannabe
Awww! A new reviewer. Hi Nikki!
Let me get you a chair ... would you like some coffee? I could learn how to make it so you'll be comfortable and stay ;o).
Thanks for the kind words and I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as the others.

Miss GoodManners
My sweet Miss Ellie!
Yes, I know you had a lot of stress in the past weeks. I am glad you were able to find the time to review.
Well, it's strange with Lorelai ... she actually makes me write more about her than I intended to. #lol# But I feel I have to so the story is complete. Wow; I made you like her? I'm good. ;o) And I'm very glad that you think she was in character. I'm even more insecure when it comes to writing her than the rest. #lol#
Yes, our Gilmore women are more fragile than anybody around them thinks. I totally agree with you there.
So you liked the Stanwyck reference? Good. It is one of my fav scenes even though the 'morning after' was so depressing with the fight and all. I usually skip that part because it is somewhat hard to watch when you have just seen them getting along so well.
Oh that 'thank you, Mommy' always melts my heart. As does the look on Emily's face. I think I will sit down and watch that episode again today. ;o)
Your reviews really keep me going, have I told you that lately? Hugs to you!!

Valerie
Val, honey! Yes, you told me you liked it before -in German- ;o) And I could hug you every time you decide to review again, even though I already got a reVal. You know how important feedback is to me.
It is good to know what you liked about the chapter and since you did not say anything negative I guess I did a good job. #lol#
Thanks for letting me know. #hands you flower#

Loridhhp
THANK YOU! #lol# I think it was the first time anybody ever used the word 'outstanding' and it made me grin. ... Strange, huh?
I'm glad you liked the last chapter. It's always good to have a Sookie around when you're down, isn't it? ;o) And I think Paul Anka is very supportive as well. I always liked him and I thought it was about time I gave him a guest staring role. ;o)

swimmerluver
Thanks! I couldn't not let Lorelai decide to help Emily. That would have just been cruel ... and the story line would have been busted. #lol#

morzsa
Dear Katus,
Yes, I actually really 'awaited' your review. ;o) I like then too much to not wait for them to appear on my screen.
Well, Lorelai just had the initial tests so we do not know how good a match she's going to be. It is one of the things I read about; if you have the same blood type as the person you're going to donate your organ to it is the first step before there's a whole series of tests.
You will have to wait just a little longer before Lorelai will finally tell Emily, but I think you're going to like it.
I guess my Richard tends to be a little more lovable than the 'original' one. Oh well, we never saw him dealing with something like this on the show, so I can write him like I want to #lol# I LIKE fan fictions. ;o)
Rory is going to come back ... sometime. But I think you're going to like her. A little. ;o).

Mary
:oD You like Lorelai? I am glad! I don't think I should admit this but she was not really my fav on the show. Sometimes I really wanted to punch her, but ... oh well, not in MY little universe. ;o)
So... Paul Anka is better than Luke? Okay, I'll keep that in mind. #lol#
Yes, Richard really has to get through a lot. I can't let him break down but I think if he'd face losing Emily, he might.

B. Alex Milligan
GASP Yes, YOU DIDN'T! ... You could always go back and review them now though ... 0:o) #hint,hint# #giggles#.
I'm sorry you were so busy. It is better now?
Good thing I'm not alone with thinking Lorelai would not tell Rory. You know how she would react and neither Lorelai nor I want that. ;o)
Yay! I got super-Kudos! D! does a happy dance
So... did you like what I came up with for this chapter? :o) I definitely hope so!

LorLukealways
curtseys Thank you. Yes, I like Sookie and Lorelai scenes too. And they're easier to write than Lorelai and Luke scenes for me... You're going to get a scene with them sometime soon, but I'm afraid you'll have to wait a bit longer and I do not know how well you're going to like it.
You know the Gilmore way - "act as if nothing is wrong" is their way of dealing with the most important things. I will try to change that but it has to be little-by-little to not get completely AU/OOC. Stick with me ;o).
I'm a little sorry that I do not give you Rory or Luke so much, but my main focus really is Emily/Lorelai so ... I hope this won't make you stop reading.