*~*
A week had passed and Lexi was no closer to going into labour then Derek was. She wasn't even close. And they had gone to the doctor many times. They were reassured that it was completely normal, but that didn't make it any easier to live with. Derek was either walking on egg shells or worried out of his mind when he wasn't around her. He was high alert all week.
"It can happen anytime." He said outloud to Emily and Reid. They both groaned in response. He had been saying it a lot lately. If he said it enough it might actually happen. He guessed the team was tired of hearing it. So he went to Garcia. She was always in a mood to chat.
"Hey Daddy." Was the newest greeting Garcia had come up with. It always made him smile. He couldn't imagine his own little girl calling him that.
"Hey Sugar cup." He sat down beside her.
"How's Lexi doing?"
"She's feeling really heavy. Or that's what she tells me."
"Poor thing. Nothing yet?"
"Nothing. We went to the doctor yesterday. She said it could be another week! I don't think she's gonna last that long. She's so unhappy. There's nothing I can do to make her feel better." He said. Garcia pouted.
"Well I hope she's not being mean to you." Garcia was always looking out for him.
"No, she's fine. I'm not going to pick any fights with her. The last thing I want is for her to be upset with me. I still can't believe she's still at work." He checked his watch. Three more hours and then he would be picking her up.
"Still working!" Garcia exclaimed. Lexi refused to leave her job. She made it clear to him that she was working until her water broke. "Derek, I'm not so sure."
"Lexi said she would be fine. And she's pretty strong you know. Stubborn as hell."
"No, Derek. Lexi's not at work. She just walked into the bullpen." Garcia pointed her out.
"What?" Derek jumped up. Something must be wrong if Lexi came to the office. She had never been there. Derek rushed out.
"Hey baby." She was standing by his desk looking relatively fine. She was holding her belly up as if it was too heavy to carry. Emily, JJ and Reid gathered around them.
"Hey." She said back.
"What's wrong?" He asked, bringing around his chair so she could sit. She gracefully excepted.
"Oh, they sent me home from work. Start your maternity now, why wait?" She imitated a high voice. "And I don't have a key to your house." She added. He didn't miss the looks passed between Emily and Reid. He ignored them.
"Did you drive here?"
"No Derek, I walked." The team laughed at the joke. "Casey drove me." She said seriously.
Derek took out his keys and unwound his house key to give to her. "Do you need a drive back?" He asked. He was sort of hoping Hotch would let him have the rest of the day off if he asked.
"No. Casey is waiting outside." Lexi declined. At least someone was staying with her. Derek had instructed Lex to call him the moment she felt anything. There was no way he was missing this. It sucked that he was stuck on victimology and unable to go to the crime scenes but in the event that he has to rush off he was glad he wasn't across the country.
Lexi stayed a bit to talk to the team. She was holding up better then the night before. She wasn't sleeping properly which meant he wasn't either. Usually they just stayed up talking.
"I suppose I better get going." She said after about fifteen minutes.
"See you at home." He loved saying that. He watched her waddle out.
"Aww. You're so lucky." Garcia gushed. "You're going to have a baby soon."
"Yeah."
A few more days passed. He called her every half hour when he was at work, but nothing solid happen. The doctor told them about induction or C-section but Lexi wanted to do it the natural way. Derek wouldn't have complained about a C-section, he assumed it would be less painful.
They were doing a lot of walking. Clooney loved the attention but it didn't seem to be helping her along. He even got Lexi to eat a lot of spicy food and to drink special tea.
"It's not working!" She complained, rubbing her belly.
"It'll happen soon, don't worry." He promised.
Lexi got up (with some help) and said she was going to take a bath. Derek was cleaning up their dinner a half hour later when Lexi came out in a robe with an extremely strange look of her face.
"What?" His heart was pounding. He could see tears in her eyes.
"I think...it's starting."
"Really? What? Did your water break?"
"I don't know! I was in the bath! But I've been getting the pain, the contractions. I've had two in like a half hour."
"What do you want me to do?" His mind was drawing a complete blank. He was glad it made Lexi laugh instead of rip into him.
"Bag, phone, hospital."
"Right." He grabbed her hand. They stood there looking at each, bubbling in excitement until Lexi grabbed her stomach in pain.
"I'll grab the car." Derek grabbed the baby bag and dashed out the door, only to come back and help Lexi down the stairs.
*~*
"So I'll see you next Friday?"
"No thanks. Good bye." Emily quickly slammed her front door shut before the sleazy creep tried to kiss her again. She shuddered violently and flung off her heels. "Freaking creep." She muttered, shuddering again.
How did she pick these men? Did she have some kind of beacon that only chauvinistic pigs and dependant fools could hear? "Ew." She said. How was it that they all managed to appear nice and charming when they first started talking; but as soon as they took her out they morphed into completely different jerk. She was a profiler; she was supposed to be able to read these people!
She had gone through five different men in one month. The first one, Scott, had bad breath and a horrible laughed. She tried not to cringe all evening. The second, Carter, rejected everything thing she said, only to inform her of the right answer. The third and fourth, Taylor and Matt respectively, brought her to bars to show off to their friends which included treating her like crap in front of them. This creep that she had rid herself of was Neil Davidson. A broke jackass who grabbed hers way too many times.
Her telephone rang annoyingly. "He-"
"Lexi's in labour! Lexi's in labour!" Garcia's shouting hurt her ear.
"What? Garcia?"
"They just went to the hospital. We might have a baby girl by morning!" Garcia gushed.
"Okay, great Garcia. Thanks for telling me. Bye now." Emily quickly hung up. She wasn't in the mood to listen to such gushing.
Yes, she was happy for Derek and Lexi. They were possibly having the greatest moment of their lives. But that only made her feel more like a failure. She was supposed to have those moments to; she deserved them. She worked hard all her life; she should get the chance to be happy and experience motherhood. But that life had been violently ripped away from her in punishment, she supposed, for the sins she had committed when she was young and too immature to under the consequences. So what if she was a tad bit resentful? It wasn't like she was going to storm into the hospital and bitch Lexi out for something that wasn't her fault. She would just keep it to herself, file it away with her other gripes and be done with it.
It was much harder then she thought. Her first instinct was to busy herself so much she would not think. She would not think about that subject. It brought up to much emotion. She tried working, cleaning, cooking, reading a new book but she ended up pacing the length of her bedroom. What on earth was wrong with her? Why was she 35 and alone? It wasn't like she was demanding to be married. She did not fit the cookie cutter housewife model but that didn't mean she didn't want a loving husband, a couple of kids, a nice home and a good job. She just could never work the 'husband' in, which meant the kids would never be. And she so desperately wanted to be a mother. She would be a good one. Much better than her own.
Emily flopped herself onto her bed. It was ridiculous. She was fretting over something she was never meant to have. She tried to rid herself of the feelings but that was never possible. She needed to move on or else she might get lost in the emotions of what she had lost....
She quickly stood up and shook her head violently. No, she told herself. Do not go there. Emily raced downstairs and grabbed her winter jacket. She needed air.
*~*
Traffic was terrible for some reason. Seems like every idiot decided to jump in their car and get in front of him. Lexi squeezed his hand when contractions came. They were still really far apart. They got to the hospital without Derek breaking any traffic laws or running over anyone.
"You still ok?" He asked Lexi every five minutes. He was bordering on being very annoying.
"Fine." She answered, breathing heavily through the pain. Right now that was the only thing from birthing classes that he remembered, breathe.
He registered her in the hospital and followed the nurse up to the labour and delivery floor.
"Doctor Bryne is on her way. She should be about 20 minutes." A nurse informed them after Lexi was settled into a birthing room. "But until she gets here I can do some tests. Take your blood pressure; get you set up on the fetal monitor."
"But I'm only like 15 minutes apart; not even. Are you going to send me home?" Lexi asked.
"Well, we'll see if your water has broken. The doctor might want to send you home, there's no point in staying here. It could be hours or days. But we aren't very busy tonight either." The nurse filled out a chart.
Doctor Bryne arrived shortly. "Your water hasn't broken yet Lexi and your only one centimetre dilated. You're in the early phase. Nurse Johnston is right; it could be a while yet." She gave them a small sympathetic smile.
"If you're not farther by midnight or your water doesn't breaks I would like to send you home. You'll sleep better in your own bed then here. I'll check on you in a bit." The doctor left them alone.
"Ooh." Lexi moaned through another contraction. "It only gets worse doesn't it?" She said afterwards.
"That's what I heard. But you'll do fine." Derek got out a stop watch to time her contractions.
"Oh! I have to call Hotch and tell him I won't be in Monday. I'll be right back Lex." Derek kissed her quickly.
"I'm not going anywhere anytime soon." Lexi joked as he left.
*~*
She wandered around her neighbourhood. Somehow she ended up at Wisdom, a tiny off street bar. A drink or two or three would likely help her. She really didn't want to be alone. She sat in the back and read the menu. No one bothered her. Usually men waltzed up to her and offered to buy her drinks. Of course the one night where she wanted the attention (of a nice guy; not a creep) there was none. Maybe it was the bars she chose She scanned the crowd. It was still a little early; not quite ten o'clock. It was a trendy bar with a few cute guys playing pool, sitting around. She just wanted a conversation, a little flirting. To take her mind off of everything. Strange, how that was what she wanted most days after work.
"Can I get you a drink?" The scruffy bartender asked.
"Just a rum and coke." She ordered. She was not going to be one of those woman who whined and cried at the bar about all their problems. She would do that in private.
The bar tender left her alone. Alone, she thought, what a terrible word. How many victims did they see died all alone? Would she die alone? What if she never got married or had another long lasting relationship? Her last one ended real well....
This thought of aloneness plagued her through her first and second drink. She wondered if it was her. Yes, she had high standards, impeccable high standards, but was that a turn off to guys? She was sure she wasn't high maintenance. But her job did take her away a lot. That was something guys likely didn't want to compete with. And not many could understand how she could go day in and day out, facing the horrors of mankind.
She stared at the wall, profiling herself. Reason told her any man would be lucky to have her, but the biting insecurities she always had to overcome suggested otherwise. She didn't give enough, or care enough about them. Which was true, but no man had ever sparked that kind of emotion from her. That wasn't her fault...right?
Her third drink, a very strong double, burned down her throat. Good thing she didn't have to work the next day. She felt the alcohol start working its magic and made her pain start to ebb away. She knew she had to maintain a balance and leave before she really got drunk and couldn't get home. Even though being drunk looked fairly appealing. That kind of dead sleep where no nightmares or pain could get you.
She felt her body relax. She probably looked more inviting a little tipsy then she had been before. Before she suspected she looked tense and distraught, which she still was but now she would welcome any conversation even if it was just to rip a guy down. That kind of confidence boost would get her through the night. She half-wondered if that was why Derek had dated so many women before Lexi.
With the alcohol in her system, she volleyed in her head between anger and sadness. Angry at herself for getting into this predicament and not being able to be happy for her friend. Sad, because she couldn't stop herself and for being selfish. Then anger came back and said to her 'she deserved to feel how she wanted, why not be a little selfish? Screw them!'
Then she was sad again. She pitied herself for not getting the attention she usually did and again for being so shallow that she felt sad for it. She prided herself on her values, morals and integrity. If she didn't have those, she didn't have anything to contribute to society. But it did little now to cheer her up.
She got fed up with waiting and stalked outside. It was a brisk March evening and it made walking in the cold so enjoyable. She made plans in her head to blast some music, hop in the tub with a bottle of delicious red wine. She would get up sometime tomorrow and visit Lexi in the hospital. She would feel good for her friends and make the best of it. She would put on a happy face even if she wanted to shoot someone. That was what she always did, done and would do.
But after nearly drowning herself in the Merlot she later found herself sobbing in bed thinking, was she that unlovable.....?
*~*
The doctor didn't end up sending them home. Lexi's contractions quickened for about two hours and then subsided into 8 minutes apart. She dilated only one more centimetre but the Dr. Bryne thought Lexi's water could break any moment.
Derek tried his best to distract her. It was very early morning and Lexi could not get to sleep. He was sitting in with her in the hospital bed, stroking her hair and watching late night television. Her mother was coming up in the morning, and his mother wanted to fly back down. He had called everyone else he knew, regardless if they answered. This was the best moment of his life. Unless....crap!! He had the idea of purposing to Lexi after the birth was over. While she had the baby in her arms he would pop out the ring....only the left the ring in his sock drawer! Maybe he could get Garcia to grab it.
He could not help falling asleep. He was surprised to find it light outside when he woke up. Dr. Bryne was knocking on the door. Lexi opened her eyes as well.
"Good morning dear. Sleep any?"
Derek looked to Lexi. She looked exhausted.
"Not really. Derek slept more." The doctor read the fetal monitor. "You're moving along slowly, but surely. Are the contractions getting worse?"
Lexi nodded. When asked to rate them she said, "About a 5 or 6."
"Well, keep doing what you're doing. You're almost into the active phase. That's when the real work begins. Try to get as much rest as you can today. I'll be back in a few hours. Call me if you need anything."
"Oh my god Derek. It's been 15 hours and still in the early phase." She moaned.
"I know baby. Do you want anything to drink or anything?" He asked.
"No. God why can't this go faster?"
"Why don't we go for a walk?" He suggested. She sighed, agreed and got the nurse to unhook her. They walked all around the hospital and grounds for a few hours. He thought the exercise actually helped her a bit. After they got back to the room he left her to rest quietly. He called his sisters in Chicago.
"Oh my god!" He could hear them both squeal into the phone. "Mom left this morning. How's she doing?"
Derek gave them the update.
Her mother was in the room when he got back. "When don't you go and get something to eat?" She suggested. Derek had completely forgotten about eating. And it didn't seem fair to do it in front of Lexi. She could hardly eat anything.
"Ok babe. I'm just going to run home and shower. Do you need anything?" He kissed her goodbye.
"Another pillow? And a sweater? Bring a couple more movies to. And that other baby book."
"Anything else?"
"No, that's it. I'll call you if I think of anything else. Bye Derek."
"Call me if anything changes." He did not want to miss a thing. And she had stayed at the same dilation for hours now. He also needed to pick his mother up from the airport. That wasn't for a couple of hours yet.
Thinking about having a baby this soon made his heart pound. He was excited yes, but terrified at the same time. More terrified then he had ever been in his life. Tomorrow he could have a living breathing daughter whom he was responsible for. It was go time. There was certainly no going back now. He had read all the books he could on being a good father, but how could he know if he could do it? He knew it would take time and likely a lot of mistakes.
He could not help thinking how his job would affect the new baby. Hotch, as much as Derek admired him, seemed not to have done so well. To Derek's eyes his superior was sinking slowly. He could almost tell every Monday if Hotch had seen his son over the weekend. Nowadays Derek wondered if he ever did.
That would never be Derek. He vowed long ago he would never abandon his family. Not that he thought Hotch had; Derek was just as dedicated to the job as his boss was, but did not think he could not go without. Hopefully he would never have to make that type of decision.
*~*
The next morning, or afternoon, was always hard after a night of alcohol and torment. She felt empty and unsatisfied and usually embarrassed but then she remembered she left the bar before she got smashed. Getting smashed in private was pathetic, but it had its advantages. No humiliation or stories you had to make up to people.
Some parts were missing, but she remembered the general gist of her night. She fixed herself some toast and tried to settle her stomach. Why did she not remember to eat before she went to bed? Emily checked her phone. Six missed calls. Three were from Garcia, one from her Mother and two from another number which she assumed was a hospital. She also had a voicemail.
"Hey chickies. Why aren't you answering your phone? No baby yet. Derek said it's going to be a while. Call me when you get this message. Some of us are going up this morning. Hope to see you there. By angelcake."
Emily didn't feel any angelic this morning. But she wasn't as miserable as she had been. She went through this time to time and it eventually went away. It would come back when she was sad again, but most days she could leave it and be done. Of course since her father's death and the breaking of her emotional walls made it harder to bounce back, she would get there. Eventually.
She showered and got ready for the day. She was serious about visiting Lexi. Lexi shouldn't be punished for her own insensitive feelings. Lexi was probably suffering enough. Garcia made it sound like the poor woman was in for a very long delivery. Emily would just pop in to say hello and listen to her moaning and then she would pop back out.
Afterwards Emily promised herself a good dinner and maybe a night out on the town. She had made amends with her misery, but she would allow herself one night of complete selfishness. She rarely did that. Only this night she would not go so far as to get drunk. She wanted to enjoy it. She already had the place picked out. She really did choose horrible bars. What she needed was an upscale bar where intellectual men like her went to. Men she had something in common with.
"Hey Lex." Emily whispered after finding which room her friend was suffering in. She was alone and looked to be sleeping. Emily checked her watch again. It was 3:30.
Lexi turned around. She looked exhausted. "Hey." She said back.
"Am I bothering you?"
"No. This baby is never going to come out of me." Lexi moaned.
"Aww. Where's Derek?"
"Getting stuff from home. The nurse yelled at him this morning for using his cell. That was the highlight of the day."
Emily went into the room and sat down beside her. "How far are you?"
"Only like four centimetres. I was at two for hours and they were going to send me home but now I guess they are keeping me. They said it could be hours. I have contractions like every 5 minutes."
Emily really did feel bad for her. Lexi looked to be in a lot of pain. Emily didn't wish that on any woman. Lexi told her who had visited and when. She did not want to disturb her pregnant friend because she knew Lexi probably needed rest. It was far from over. Derek came back when she was getting ready to leave. Derek looked tired as well, but better than Lexi. He smiled seeing Emily and she knew he was terribly excited. Excited or nervous. She could see both in his features, and wish him good luck.
"I'll come back tomorrow." Emily promised.
"I really hope the baby is born by then. God this is seriously painful for her. I had no idea."
Emily didn't have the heart to tell him it would likely get worse. She simply smiled and went back to her plan.
*~*
She looked pretty damn good, if she did say so herself. Her hair was carefully curled; her eyes smoky and the slinky black dress looked very becoming on her. A pair of patent leather heels would complete the outfit. She looked sophisticated but not slutty. Feminine but not femme fatal. She would not go as far as to say irresistible but she secretly hoped it would have the desired effect. It was feel good night and she was ready.
The cab took her to the Capital Hilton. It wasn't as ritzy as Four Seasons or Park Hyatt, but it had a great lounge for urban professionals. She was escorted to her seat but she didn't order right away. It was tacky for a woman of her position to buy her own drinks. She simply got a water to start off with and took up conversation with the bartender. It was always better to appear secure and charming then to sound desperate for attention, which was a fine line she was drawing.
She first fought blushing then tears after hardly anyone spoke to her. Sure men came up to order drinks and maybe said one or two words to her, looked her up and down, but nothing solid. Nothing. She took her first drink, a shot of tequila, and berated herself thinking she was irresistible to men. She clearly was a fool.
But the night was still young. Something good might come out of it. She waited another hour. Once again, a night of complete stupor was looking very appealing. She took more alcohol to take away from the slights she felt. This time her emotions came back in full force. The alcohol made her tears dry up, but it was still there. She was too old to appeal to men. She was too smart, maybe she was just too much to take on. Maybe she scared them away. Maybe she was just the biggest dope and fool the world ever saw.
That's when she saw him.
He was hunched over, nursing a scotch at the other end of the bar. He looked as sad and pathetic as she felt. It could be the fact that he was missing his suit jacket that made him look like that. Hotch was always the relatively strong leader, and it was strange to see him like that. She had only seen him once so raw and that was when he declared his love for her....
*~*
A/N I was originally going to post this as one whole chapter, but then it turned out to be really long so instead here is the first part. Second half will be up asap! Please review.
A/N 2 I have no real medical experience nor have I ever been pregnant/gone through Labour. I'm trying to protray it as best of my ability. So if there are any mistakes keep that in mind please.