Day 07 - The Substitute Teacher
The fifth lesson of the day had begun and already Shinobu was late, so she ran as fast as her little legs could carry her. She fell asleep whilst studying in the school library again, and she knew her math teacher was going to give her a hard time. Actually, she didn't mind being told off, though she took it to heart when some of her classmates would laugh at her misfortune.
When she approached the classroom door, Shinobu stood to attention and took a deep breath. She exhaled and pushed the door open. A strange feeling crept inside her. Classmates were chatting amongst themselves, and for once, she was not the centre of debate. The teacher had not arrived in class yet, which was a little unusual considering he was always one for arriving dead on time.
Amongst the classroom ambience, a girl acknowledged Shinobu by giving her a polite wave. Her name is Akiko and she is Shinobu's only friend in class. Akiko is an inch taller than Shinobu, and has short brown hair with a few bangs partially covering her eyebrows. Her eyes are hazel coloured and she has three freckles on each cheek. Like Shinobu she is softly spoken, but certainly less timid than the blue haired girl. At times Akiko can show a great deal of confidence.
Shinobu jogged to her empty desk behind Akiko and sat down.
"Where's our teacher?" she asked her friend.
Akiko turned around and hunched her shoulders. "No idea. He's never usually this late."
With a hint of concern, Shinobu looked at the clock above the whiteboard. The lesson should have started five minutes ago. However, she did not have to wait much longer… for a creak from the door ceased all classroom activity.
At last the door opened and the teacher walked to his main desk. Everyone stared at him in surprised silence. He didn't look like the teacher the students were used to seeing. As a matter of fact, he looked far too young to be even classified as a teacher. This person had scruffy black hair and rectangular glasses. He wore a grey suit, black shoes, white shirt and a blue tie.
Akiko looked at the new teacher with widened eyes. However, she looked nowhere near as surprised as Shinobu. Shinobu gasped so loudly she had to cover up her mouth.
The teacher cleared his throat before greeting the students. "Um… erm… hi everyone! Your old teacher has called in absent, so I have filled in on his behalf! Ah! Oh yeah! I almost forgot! My name is Keitaro Urashima! Pleased to meet you all!"
The class watched, still in silence as Keitaro wrote his name on the whiteboard. Shinobu felt the need to hyperventilate. Keitaro… Senpai being in the same class as her. It was wonderful, yet bewildering at the same time! What was he doing here? Was he even qualified to be here? Shouldn't Keitaro be studying with Naru? Her mind was somewhere between a meteor storm and a four way truck collision.
Akiko twice tapped a finger on her lips… until she remembered his face. Akiko had visited Hinata-Sou a couple of times, and like the tenants, she too was a victim of Keitaro's accidental perverted ways.
Akiko turned around to face Shinobu. "Hey Shinobu-chan? That's Urashima-san isn't it? I didn't know he worked part time as a teacher!" she whispered to her.
Shinobu was still in bemused wide-eyed mode. "N-Neither did I…" she replied softly.
"Oh… hi Shinobu-chan!" Keitaro noticed and greeted her with a big wave.
Shinobu's mouth hung agape as all the students stared at her. This moment, right there, had to be on her top ten list of most embarrassing things that have happened to her.
"Um… hi Senp… Sensei…" she replied whilst facing her desk (the only safe place to look at).
Keitaro paused for a second before he decided to draw an extra large smiley face next to his surname. Most of the young teens gave Keitaro a dirty look. The student's first impressions of their new teacher; a geek trying to be cool and failing miserably.
"Now today, I'm going to teach you all about… sex education!" said Keitaro, "So I need a girl volunteer to come forward and strip off! That way we can all learn about the female anatomy!"
The entire classroom turned white.
Everyone was in dire shock and Shinobu was on the verge of a heart attack.
"S-S-S-S-SENPAI?!?" she thought with fear.
Suddenly, Keitaro burst out laughing.
"Ha ha ha! I'm joking! I'm joking!" he said, waving both his hands.
The class simultaneously sighed, though they were still etched in fear. That had to be the most revolting joke they ever heard… and from a teacher no less.
"Ahem!" Keitaro cleared his throat, "Instead, we're going to do a ten question pop quiz!"
Okay, that was more like it, everyone thought, though the girls were still recovering from what he said earlier. Pop quizzes were the standard armament for teachers these days, and it seemed like Keitaro remembered a thing or two during his junior years. Keitaro handed a sheet of paper to each desk. When he handed the paper to Shinobu's desk, Keitaro decided to further embarrass the poor girl by ruffling her hair. Shinobu's face turned into a ripe plum, and some of the class were now wondering if there was a relationship between them.
"Okay class, you have ten minutes to finish! Best of luck!" Keitaro said after returning to his desk.
The students got their pens ready and looked at the quiz sheet. They continued staring at it. Their mouths dropped.
One student looked at the first question. It read; how many butt hairs does Naru Narusegawa have? There were four available answers; 'one', 'sixteen', 'twenty,' and 'Naru's butt is so hairy it needs to be shaved with a chainsaw.'
Akiko skipped the first three ludicrous questions and moved onto the forth. The fourth was equally as ludicrous. It read; why is Motoko Aoyama such a stubborn bitch? One of four possible answers was; 'because she has a turtle shell stuck in her prostate.'
Shinobu's mouth remained open as her eyes slowly moved down the list of questions. Thankfully she didn't find any questions regarding herself, but they were alarming enough to have her gasp a couple of times. She slowly filled the boxes, though she knew each one was just a complete guess on her behalf.
"Time up!" Keitaro shouted, "Drop your pens now!"
As Keitaro collected the papers, the classroom ambience was mostly filled with confused whispers…
…which later turned into loud gasps when Keitaro opened the classroom window in order to throw the test papers outside.
"Weee!" said a joyous Keitaro, watching as all the test sheets drifted away with the wind.
Shinobu was on the verge of fainting. She wanted to stand up and ask Senpai the meaning of all this. Unfortunately her legs, mouth and mind were frozen at the time. However, another, braver female student took her place.
"What's the point of doing a test, if you're just going to throw the lot out of a window?!" the girl stood up and protested. Judging from her posture and confidence, this girl must be the class representative.
Keitaro tilted his head and simply replied with, "Meh?"
The class rep continued to speak her mind. "Furthermore, these questions didn't make any sense whatsoever! You're meant to be teaching us mathematics, not about how many butt hairs a made up girl has!"
"Oh who cares what you think?!" spat Keitaro, "Look, most of you are going to spend the rest of your lives mixing concrete anyway! Just shut up and sit down… unless you want to be thrown out of the window too?"
The class rep's face turned into a deep blue horror. She quickly sat down in fear of the substitute teacher turning murderous. The class then turned their attention on the white board, since Keitaro was drawing what appeared to be a diagram on it.
"Okay class!" Keitaro said, clapping his hands once to get their attention, "I want you all to rearrange your tables and chairs as shown on the diagram!"
As expected, there was a collection of surprised murmurs.
"No whining! Just do it!" Keitaro ordered.
The students looked at Keitaro with an uneasy stare. At first they thought he was joking, but the way Keitaro crossed his arms told them otherwise. They slowly rose from their seats and started to move their tables and chairs.
"What is Senpai doing?" thought Shinobu as she joined in the class activity.
Keitaro heard a muffled sound from his trouser pocket. It was his mobile phone.
"Okay guys I'm just going to make a quick phone call! I expect it all to be done by the time I get back!" Keitaro told his class.
He opened the door and entered the hallway before fishing out his mobile phone.
-0-0-
Meanwhile outside town, Naru waited for the halfwit manager to answer her call. She was pissed. One moment, Keitaro told Naru he was just going outside… and that was the last she heard of him! Kitsune was also outside, a slight distance away from her friend. At the moment, Kitsune was talking to some of the town folk, asking if they had seen a man with scruffy black hair and rectangular glasses.
After a few rings on the other end, Keitaro answered his phone.
"Hi Naru!" came the sound of his voice.
Naru reacted immediately. "Don't you 'hi Naru' me! Me and Kitsune have been looking all over for you! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!?"
There was a slight pause.
"Kitsune and I." said Keitaro.
"Sorry?!" Naru asked.
"You are meant to say 'Kitsune and I', not 'me and Kitsune'."
For a moment, Naru was lost for words.
"WHERE ARE YOU?!" she shouted again.
Keitaro thought about what to say next.
"I'm in Japan!" he had the nerve of saying.
Naru could not believe the conversation she was having.
"Yeah… I… I know you're in Japan… but where are you?!"
"Okay… I'm in… Haitani and Shirai's apartment!" he lied.
"Who are Haitani and Shirai?" she asked.
"My old friends, remember?"
Naru thought back for a second. Long hair. Glasses. Complete perverts. Otaku rejects.
"Oh them," she realised, "Well… what are doing with those guys? Nothing perverted I hope!"
"Actually I'm not with them," Keitaro argued, "They're working in that theme park, Funland… so I'm all by myself."
"So… how did you get in?"
"I broke in."
"Oh… wait! Why have you suddenly walked away from us, only to break into Haitani and Shirai's room?!"
Naru could hear a tearful sigh on the other end. Little did she know it was all one big act.
"Naru… I'm thinking… of committing suicide…"
Naru's throat seized up.
"Naru? Naru? Are you still there?"
"Y-Yes of course I'm there!" she replied quickly, "What… what are you talking about Keitaro?!"
"I hate my life!" Keitaro shouted (but not so much as to get the school's attention), all I do is get beaten and abused and I'm sick of it! I hate my stupid existence! I'm gonna do it Naru! I'm gonna kill myself by any means necessary!"
Her lips trembled.
"NO KEITARO!! DON'T DO IT!!" screamed Naru, her voice receiving the attention of Kitsune, "I… I-I-I LO… PLEASE!! DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID!!"
With a foxy frown, Kitsune walked over to where Naru was. "Naru? What's going on? Is that Keitaro on the phone?" she asked.
Naru ignored her friend for the moment and continued listening to the manager.
"Naru… did… did you just say you love me?" Keitaro said quietly.
"Ye-no! I mean yes!" Naru answered.
"Then prove it!" Keitaro said sternly.
"Huh?"
"Prove it! Meet me at Haitani's and Shirai's apartment… wearing… wearing only your bra and panties!"
Her throat seized up again.
"Also, did I recently hear Kitsune?" asked Keitaro, "Is she with you?"
"Um… yeah…"
"Same applies for her as well!"
"W-W-WAIT!! WE'RE NOT STRIPPING OFF!!" Naru shrieked.
"Hmmmm…" muttered Keitaro, "I wonder where that kitchen knife is…"
"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I'LL… WE'LL DO IT! OKAY? JUST DON'T DO DIE KEITARO!! PLEASE!!"
Keitaro hung up.
"What the hell was that all about?!" queried Kitsune.
"No time to explain!" ordered Naru, who grabbed Kitsune by the hand before dashing away, "We need to find Haitani and Shirai's place, before Keitaro hurts himself!"
-0-0-
After putting his phone away, Keitaro made his way back into the classroom. He realised his timing was near to perfection. When all the students finished their strenuous task, Keitaro stood back and marvelled at the modified room. The chairs were positioned so they formed into a giant circle. The desks (except for the teacher's desk) were all discarded to the bottom-most end of the room, some piled up in rows of two or three. Also, one chair was left with the desks as well.
Akiko raised her hand.
"Hmm? Do you have a question?" asked Keitaro.
"Yeah." answered Akiko, "If you don't mind me asking… why are we doing this?"
Everyone else nodded in agreement, with the exception of Shinobu who was still wondering why Keitaro was here in the first place.
"Why are we doing this?" repeated Keitaro, "I tell you why we're doing this! We… are playing musical chairs!!"
Again, stunned silence was the reaction of the students. You could even see some of them lip saying 'what the hell'.
In an excited manner, Keitaro hurried behind his desk and displayed a CD player from seemingly out of nowhere. He inserted a CD and pressed play. A very jolly melody filled the room. To be more precise, it was the music of 'The Teddy Bear's Picnic' song.
Stunned silence turned into jaw dropping silence. Never has a classroom of students remained so speechless.
Keitaro shouted loud enough so his voice was heard over the music. "Okay everyone! I'm sure everyone knows how to play, but for those who don't, the rules are as follows: when the music stops, everyone must sit down on a chair or they will be out of the game! When the music starts again, one chair will be removed from the circle, until there is only one chair left! The winner… will be excused from math homework for an entire week!"
Everyone looked at one another. The more intelligential students where perhaps the more surprised of the class. They came here to study, not participate in some dumb party game! Seriously, what would their parents think of all this if they told them? As for the other students, they had more a mixed reaction. Some wanted to play, but didn't want to step up to the plate in fear of becoming the only one participating…
…that is, until one boy decided to show some courage. His name is Taisuke and he had short, blonde spiky hair and blue eyes. Despite being thirteen, Taisuke was fairly tall for his age, and was certainly the tallest one in class. He appeared very confident, perhaps even a little cocky for his own good.
As the music played, Taisuke strolled around the circle of chairs without a care in the world. He looked kind of silly since he was the only one taking part.
"Trust Taisuke-kun to start things off." one girl whispered to another. The other girl nodded in agreement.
"Well… I don't know why our sensei is doing this," Akiko said to nobody in particular, "but… it looks like fun, so I'm joining in too!"
"That's the spirit!" cheered Keitaro.
"Akiko-chan…" Shinobu thought as her friend joined Taisuke. She was also thinking Senpai was having way too much fun.
Before the other students contemplated joining in or not, Keitaro paused the music from the CD player. Taisuke and Akiko (who was giggling at the time) quickly sat down on the closest chair they could find. Obviously, it was pretty easy for those two, considering they had so many vacant seats to choose from.
Everyone else froze, a few even stopping in mid-breath. They thought about what their new teacher said to them. Whoever wins gets no math homework for a week. That thought cycled through their heads.
No math homework. For an entire week.
With screams and battled cries, the stampede of students plowed into the circle of chairs. One of the more heavyweight students actually clotheslined another boy, just so he could get to a chair before him. Hair was pulled, hands were slapping other hands, and bodies were being swung three hundred and sixty degrees. When the dust was settled, one poor brunette haired girl was left sitting stupidly on the floor. She was the first victim of the game.
Once everyone relaxed themselves, Keitaro removed a chair before resuming the music. Now everyone was walking around the circle, some of them staring at each other with evil eyes. Out of all the class, Akiko seemed to be the only one enjoying herself… and Shinobu still wondered how she got into this predicament to begin with.
Suddenly the headmaster, a bald middle aged man with circular glasses, opened the door and walked into the classroom. He was a no nonsense man with an intimidating physique and serious looking eyes. Obviously the disturbance of music caused him to come in and see what the hell was going on. Keitaro nearly jumped when he saw the headmaster, but amazingly, the students were still focused on the game. Keitaro had to think of something, and fast.
A light bulb appeared above his head.
"…ah… so you see class, particles move around depending on their own structure they inhabit!" he said suddenly, "Solid particles stay compressed without movement, liquid particles are allowed a little momentum, and gas particles are allowed to roam wherever they please! They can even travel in circles if they want to! Just like what you guys are doing!"
The headmaster stroked his chin and nodded approvingly. "It's good to see the students participate in a group activity." he remarked.
Keitaro dropped his jaw. How the Gods did pull that one off?!
"But please lower the volume a little." added the headmaster, "We don't want to disrupt the other classrooms."
"Uh, of course! Sorry!" Keitaro apologised, turning the volume down a notch.
The headmaster nodded again and walked back to his office.
Keitaro breathed a much needed sigh of relief. Then he realised the students were still 'playing', so he stopped the music again.
-0-0-
Adrenaline pumped through every segment of Naru's body. Poor Kitsune felt like a low flying kite, as she was still being gripped tightly by her friend.
"Naru, will you please tell me what on earth is going on?!" Kitsune begged from her airborne physique, "I feel like barfing, and I haven't even drunk anything yet!"
Naru gasped when the building containing Haitani and Shirai's apartment was in her sight. She never realised just how far away those two really were. Not one to fuss around with keys, Naru crumbled the main door with one punch. After stomping through the corridors, Naru and Kitsune stood by the door leading to Keitaro's friends.
"This must be it." said Naru, trying to act calm.
Kitsune nodded. "Yeah… I mean who else would have Haitani and Shirai's name on their door?"
Naru turned to face her best friend. "Right! Take off your clothes!"
Kitsune's brain did not compute. She tilted her head and said, "Eh?"
"Oh look here! I'll do it for you!"
Kitsune froze as she watched her best friend take off… no, shred her clothes from her body, leaving nothing but underwear. Naru then proceeded to do the same to herself.
"N-N-Naru? Is there something you'd like to share with me?!" asked Kitsune worryingly, "I don't want you doing something you're going to regret!!"
"Hush up!" ordered Naru, "And get ready!"
-0-0-
After chilling out in their favourite Bowling for Beef restaurant, Haitani and Shirai relaxed back into their apartment, watching Hentai Kitty Meow Meow on television whilst sitting on their favourite comfy couch. Not a care in the world was shared between them. As of why they were here, they both decided to called in sick today, though in all actuality they were just being really lazy. They decided one day off wouldn't do any harm.
The doorbell rang.
"You get it." Haitani told Shirai, his eyes still glued to the screen.
"No, you get it." Shirai told Haitani, "You're closer."
Haitani looked at his legs. His friend was right, he was closer to the door. As he grudgingly got himself up, Haitani made a mental note to sit on the other side of the couch in future. He opened the door.
Glomp.
For a moment, Haitani thought his face was trapped in a void. It took a good while for him to discover… that the void consisted of two large spherical marshmallows smelling of perfume. The skinny one had to adjust his skull in fear of being asphyxiated. However, he couldn't hide that there was a crying Naru hugging him tightly.
"DON'T LEAVE ME PLEASE!!" Naru wailed, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT YOU!!"
Shirai jumped to his feet, which was probably the most exercise he had all day. He gasped upon seeing Naru and Kitsune. Naru was wearing white bra and panties, and Kitsune was wearing… holy shit, she was wearing black lingerie! Okay, so their combined beauty would not match up to Haruka's, but damn, he wasn't going to complain!
Shirai passed out immediately. It was a disturbing sight to see a beach ball spurting out nose blood whilst unconscious. Haitani also had a nosebleed, but that wasn't even half the problem. His nether regions were the equivalent of a draconic claw squeezing the bottom end of a tube of toothpaste.
When Naru realised her grave miscalculation, poor Haitani found himself being punched through the roof.
-0-0-
Back in Keitaro's class, havoc was being raised, and Keitaro had to quiet them down a couple of times in fear of the headmaster returning in a less than happy mood. The lesson was nearly over now, but that was okay because now there were only three chairs left. Of course, this means there were only three students left competing; Shinobu, Akiko and Taisuke. The rest of them stepped away from the game, and were cheering for their favourite boy or girl to win.
Some of the students were whispering amongst themselves, but Shinobu could make out what they were saying. They were generally surprised that the blue haired girl had managed to stay in for this long. A couple of the boys were even routing for her, causing Shinobu to lower her head and blush. Shinobu decided that her sudden bout of confidence was influenced by her friend Akiko.
The stoppage of the music disrupted her thoughts entirely. Akiko and Taisuke were very quick in sitting down. Shinobu managed to sit down as well, though she accidentally sat on Akiko's lap instead! When she realised the situation she was in, Shinobu turned bright red. The rest of the class were laughing, but Shinobu sensed something… different about this laughter. It was like they were laughing with her, not at her.
Akiko covered her mouth whilst giggling. "Oh dear! I don't think the rules allow this!"
"Ah-aaaah forgive me Akiko-chan!" Shinobu apologised with multiple bows.
"Sorry Shinobu-chan, but rules are rules!" Keitaro stated.
With an embarrassed nod, Shinobu joined the other end of the class, leaving her friend and Taisuke left in the game. Taisuke glanced towards Akiko and grinned. "Ha! With a girl as my opponent this will be easy!"
"Hmph! We'll see about that!" said Akiko as she crossed her arms.
Keitaro switched on the music for the last time, and the students watched the two finalists circle closely around the solo chair. They were like two lions circling a prized hunk of meat. They dared not take their eyes off the competition, for if they so much as blinked, there was a chance the music would stop, and they would lose the game. It was all or nothing.
The music stopped. With equal speed, Akiko and Taisuke rushed to the chair, but were so occupied with winning that they actually clashed heads and fell backwards onto the floor! With all the desperation they could muster, the two readied themselves back up and started to wrestle. Both of them gripped each other's hands. Taisuke, being taller and stronger than everyone else, was surprisingly having a hard time forcing Akiko into submission. Akiko's will and desire not to lose was nothing short of impressive.
The screams and cheers grew louder. Naturally the boys wanted Taisuke to win and the girls wanted Akiko to pull of an upset victory. Keitaro grit his teeth. The loudness of the class was becoming harder to control.
However… everyone ceased movement and speech when the door blasted open. Five police officers and one man, wearing only a vest and shorts, rushed into the classroom.
"THAT'S THE MAN!!" shouted the person wearing a vest and shorts, "THAT'S THE ONE WHO AMBUSHED AND KNOCKED ME OUT WITH A CROWBAR BEFORE TAKING OFF WITH ALL MY CLOTHES!!"
Everyone in class gasped. They knew who this man was straight away. With hair overshadowing her eyes, Shinobu watched the disaster unfold. Her open mouth was smiling in a disbelieving way. She could only stare as the policemen wrestled Keitaro to the ground whilst her near naked math teacher was hurling countless words of abuse at him.
"Heh heh. Look at that." said Shinobu, pointing towards the sorry state of Keitaro being dragged away, "Senpai is going to jail."
Akiko quickly walked over to Shinobu and waved a hand over her face. "Shinobu-chan? Are you okay?"
"Senpai… going to jail." Shinobu repeated.
Poor Akiko wondered if her friend was ever going to return to her normal self.
-0-0-
Naru was livid. There was no other way to describe it. Right now, her fists were clenched hard enough to punch a hole through a tank. It was bad enough Keitaro tricked them into believing he was going to kill himself. It was made even worse when they had to walk all the way back home wearing their underwear, but Naru and Kitsune were so enveloped in anger that they didn't even care crowds of people were staring at them.
"You don't think he was hiding in his room all this time, do you?" Kitsune asked.
"Hmph! I don't know," growled Naru, "but if he has returned he is seriously in a world of trouble!"
Naru's mobile phone rang, to which she answered it straight away.
"Hi Naru! It's me again!" said Keitaro on the other end.
"KEITARO!!" shouted Naru, "YOU HAVE SOME NERVE RINGING ME UP!! I SWEAR YOU BETTER KNOW HOW TO HIDE, BECAUSE WHEN I FIND YOU…"
"Um, listen Naru." Keitaro interrupted, "You're not going to believe this… but I'm calling from the police station. Can you bail me out please?"
"…"
"Naru? Are you there?"
Naru crushed the phone and threw it into a bin.
…
Author: A quick rundown on a couple of the characters. Akiko appears in the anime, and Taisuke is an original character made for the sake of this chapter only. As far as I'm aware, Shinobu and Kaolla are in separate classrooms, though I could be wrong… but since this is a story that doesn't take itself seriously, I'm not too fussed anyway.