Hi everyone!
So, as you will notice, this chapter is from Gido's view. Why is it from Gido's view you certainly want to know, well the answer is Gido is a little lying shit who knows more than he admits. There are just some things you will only find out by reading his pov and since some of these things are essential for the story, it would be way too confusing and boring to wait for Frau to figure it out. So I decided to give you Gido's view instead and so, from time to time, whenever I feel it's necessary, I will revert to it. Anyhow the majority of chapters will still be from Frau's pov, no need to worry about that.
I hope you'll enjoy this one just as much as the others!
Gido
"I'm not going to do it," Gido shook his head, drawing the last breath from his cigarette before squashing it with his heel. He felt like he needed much more than just a couple of cigarettes, but this was all he wanted to show them of his uneasiness. Mostly, it was because if they figured out how he really felt about all this, they would probably end up sending someone else and that... that would just be a mess. Still, he tried to talk them out of it. Little did he know that they just didn't care.
"He will listen to you, won't he?" The old man stared holes into him, and Gido couldn't stand it. Sometimes he wondered if the man before him had actually lived to die of old age, had decided on his own to take this form, or really had just aged in the process of hundreds of years in human history, watching them up here. However it was, his presence made Gido feel quite uncomfortable for reasons he didn't want to think about. "And he will do as you say?"
"Most likely..." Gido kept rubbing his cigarette into the stony ground, almost absent-mindedly. "But I'm not going to do it."
"It has already been decided by the council," the stern old face told him, and Gido felt like the man knew perfectly well what his piercing eyes pulled out from the depths of his mind. "He will be brought here and you will be the deliverer."
"And why me?" Gido complained, obviously frustrated with the whole situation.
"Well, you can... can't you, Kor-child?" The knowing smirk upon that man's face when he cringed upon hearing that word made Gido want to punch him very, very badly.
But he never got to follow his thoughts through, because by the time he felt capable of moving again, the man had already disappeared, leaving Gido to relentlessly mutter curses under his breath instead.
Gido sighed to himself, running a hand over his face. It was the middle of the night and everyone, well most of everyone around here, was asleep. Frau was asleep and maybe that was for the best. Would they even bother if he ignored their wishes? Probably.
Most likely.
It was one of those rare nights where he really, actually, wished to be in bed, and the feeling was sickening.
They had not dragged him out of bed per se, but Gido had barely managed to keep them away from Frau.
With another heavy sigh Gido leaned into the door frame, watched the slow and steady movement of Frau's chest. Frau could probably oversleep the destruction of anything and everything around him, Gido mused with a small chuckle, and then he walked over. He was crouching by the bedside, wondering what he should do. Whatever little common sense he had left screamed at him to stay, because whatever would follow if he did obey, certainly did no good. More, it would do Frau no good and that was enough for him when it came down to it.
Yet he found himself pressing a kiss to Frau's head and whispering, "sleep well," when he pushed away a few strands of blond hair.
On his way out Gido told himself that it would be easier to keep things at bay this way, but who the hell did he think he was trying to kid with that? It was a selfish deed and would only make everything a whole lot more complicated.
Quietly, Gido let the church gate close behind him, carefully eyeing the towers and walls, knowing that they were watching. Quickly he walked away, pretending to know where to go, but the truth was he had yet to figure it out. When Gido reached a small group of trees he hid under their evergreen, blooming, canopy. For a moment he allowed himself to lean back and rest, listening carefully to the sounds around him. The birds had gone to sleep, except for a few exotic types and clearly some that did not even exist downstairs. But overall it was a peacefully quiet, rarely disturbed by a few chirps.
He had sat down in the soft grass, listening to the faint drumming of darkness. It had always been less of a feeling, than a sound. A drumming, a pounding in his head that would just not go away. Some sounds were deep and dark, some were high enough to be so bright they would blind his mind. It was never pleasant either way, but Gido had learned to live with it. When he had been a kid, it had been much scarier. By now he was more than often able to ignore it. Right now though...
Gido ran a hand over his face, realising he had been heading in the wrong direction. From here it would be impossible to locate anything. So he got up and started walking again.
How others perceived this world Gido wasn't sure, but he suspected that its borders were much clearer to him than to most of the others. It was less likely to get lost when you had a sense of direction, and Gido had taught himself a few tricks to manage that. The church was far behind him by the time the drumming became more apparent. He wasn't even close to the lake or the hot springs, and the gardens were growing wilder and thicker in these parts.
The air was growing vibrant with darkness, so if he had walked on Gido was sure at some point he would have been able to taste it on his tongue. A shudder ran through him. He certainly didn't like these parts, even less by night anyway. Branches cracked under his boots now and then, but for the most part the soft ground swallowed his steps.
It was only when he heard their voices that Gido stopped trying to figure out what he was sensing and just listened. Someone was arguing, complaining at least. How curious, he thought as he approached a clearing in the unkempt, overgrowing mess of gardens this was. Some part of him wanted to call out a name, but somehow the act seemed foolish to him.
Suddenly, something bumped into him.
Someone had bumped into him, Gido realised when he looked down.
Tiashe's mouth was twisting and he was rubbing his head. "Who the hell–" the boy stopped dead in his tracks when he looked up and saw Gido's face. "Zehel?", his voice a breath. So he remembered him, Gido thought, and he decided to value this as a good sign.
"You're not who I was looking for," Gido stated though, averting his eyes rather quickly. God almighty, this kid was brimming with light and Gido could only stare for a few moments. It all seemed too surreal. Maybe he was dreaming, he wondered, or maybe he had gone to bed after all and was only dreaming this whole situation. His eyes skimmed the area. "Are you alone?"
"Well, I wasn't until a minute ago!"
Gido watched Tiashe scurry around searching for someone...or something? Maybe his dragon. No, not that. Ayanami was here, he knew it. It was that fingers-creeping-down-your-spine chill. "Over there," Gido turned his head towards a dark corner not far from them. No light reached between the shrubs and trees there, but Gido knew anyway. "Come out, no harm will come to you," he called and wondered why his voice was so calm. It did not feel right when his insides felt like they were all jumbled up. Maybe it was a good thing Tiashe had died as well, this way he had something to concentrate on.
Leaves rustled when Ayanami quietly emerged from the shadows. There was no sign of recognition on his face, but Gido was sure it was there. So he merely squinted his eyes for a moment trying to find the small twitch of his mouth or eye. It was not there.
Of course not, it never seemed to there.
It was hard to describe what exactly Ayanami was radiating. Being exposed to his soul alone amplified what he had always felt as well and suddenly Gido didn't feel so used to it anymore. What he knew was that it was dark and dooming and bottomless and hungry. And unlike anything else it was not a mere echo of darkness simply stating it was there, but that it had its own voice, its own existence. It was talking back and having a staring contest with whatever it seemed to see in Gido.
Only when Tiashe spoke did Gido snap out of it.
"What's going on? Why are you looking for him?"
Gido kept boring holes into Ayanami. It was unpleasant, but he was not scared and he knew that he would get used to it once more, with time of course. It took him a while to realise that he did not feel calm but rather confused, uncertain what to feel at all, but certain to not let anything through at this moment. There were other things to focus on as well.
"You were not supposed to die..." Gido had started chewing on his cigarette holder, slowly averting his gaze and eyeing Tiashe. "What happened?"
Tiashe shifted in his position, pushing Gido's hand from his head. Then he eyed Ayanami, and then looked back to Gido once more. His look was cool, calculating. "You can trust me," Gido assured him. "I'm here, it seems, to collect both of you."
"Why?" Tiashe eyed him with curiosity and suspicion.
"Because we obviously can't have Verloren running around heaven, can we? And neither should you stay here..." Gido paused for a moment, and then his gaze softened. Frau would be more than happy to see him, he thought.
"What is it?" Tiashe asked, curiously eyeing him.
"You'll see..." Gido merely responded with a smile. "C'mon," he motioned them to follow him. "Both of you. This is no place to stay and I have only tonight to bring you in. Your questions will be answered in time." To his own surprise, neither of them argued and they followed willingly shortly thereafter. Tiashe was walking only a few steps behind, apparently brooding over something, but Ayanami was keeping a safe distance and Gido found himself glancing over his shoulder now and then to check back.
It was early morning when Gido reached the church with Tiashe and Ayanami quietly tagging along. The silver linings were vanishing into purple and soon red, orange, and yellow as the sun went up. However, it was hard to actually see a sun around here, as it was more like a colour gradient that matched common daytime.
Nobody was up at these hours, and if they were they did not frequent the yard. Frankly, Gido did not care much if anyone saw him right now, though he certainly did not want to talk to anyone right now.
The five men of the self-proclaimed council were sitting under a tree playing chess when Gido arrived. Although neither of them said a thing Gido could read in their smug faces how pleased they were with him.
He wanted to punch them for it.
"So the prodigal son has returned," one said smiling and another chuckled. Gido ignored it. "But you've brought more than one sheep."
"The boy happened to be with him," Gido stated crisply, avoiding their gazes. "I figured it would be best to bring him in as well."
"You made the right decision" a young man with hair just as dishevelled as Frau's replied, his smile bright and happy. "Very well, leave the abomination to us and you can bring the boy away." A smirk, that made not punching him very hard, lined the man's face.
"No, I'll take care of both of them. Just tell me where to bring him," Gido said folding his arms.
For a long time the men just stared at him, contemplating and sometimes exchanging short glances. "Very well..." the old man said at last. One of the younger ones handed a key to Gido, and it was heavy and cold in his hand. "Bring him to the quarters near the tower. As for the boy, it is entirely up to you."
"Very well indeed," Gido smiled, but there was nothing happy or carefree about it. "Come," he said, turning to usher Tiashe away. Ayanami still kept his distance. He had considered dropping Tiashe off somewhere, but that would most likely result in the brat running off, and searching the whole goddamn church for him was something Gido did not want to do this early in the morning.
Everything was quiet as they crossed the yard and headed towards Vertrag's tower. Although intact in this world, something dark seemed to be looming above it. Even the others were uncomfortable in its presence.
Going by Ayanami's expression he did not seem to mind, but then again hardly anything could ever be read off that stoic mask on his face.
The air seemed cold as they entered the building right next to it, and Gido led Ayanami to one of the chambers. It was quite comfortable for an esteemed prisoner. "You will not leave," Gido told him quietly as he fastened a set of cuffs around Ayanami's wrists. The chain connecting them left just enough range to move his arms a little. "You will not so much as breath unless you are told to," Gido said, ignoring Ayanami's stare.
"So where are we going now?" Tiashe's words seemed to come from far away when Gido left the building with Ayanami inside, locked safely in his room, behind. "Gido!"
"You're taking this whole thing surprisingly calmly, kid..." Gido stated, not sure whether to be amused by it. "You're dead and you've just locked up your arch enemy who's also your uncle in what seems to be a replica of the church you fled from months ago."
"I knew I was going to die," the words bounced flat to the floor, heavy with emotion. "Sooner or later, the seal wouldn't hold. I was prepared for that. And since Ayanami has been dealt with you will now answer my questions."
What determination. Gido smiled and fished a cigarette out of his pocket. "Oh, will I?" he mused and lit his cigarette. Where the hell did these brats always take such certainty from? "How come you're so certain?" he muttered, more to himself though when he drew a deep breath of blue smoke. There was, of course, no answer.
"And we both know there's only one thing I want to know," Tiashe said, folding his arms and blocking his way. "Where's Frau?" There was cold-blooded determination in his eyes that told Gido he would go through anybody to get Frau back. It was strangely heart-warming to see that Frau meant so much to him.
At first he was surprised, and Gido had hoped to prevent the boy from jumping at Frau the minute he entered the church by just not mentioning him. Apparently though, Tiashe had only waited for an opportunity; at last Gido smiled. "Asleep and safe", he said. "And I would like to keep it that way for another while..."
"But–"
"Do you really think you're the only one who's had it rough these last months?"
"But–"
"He's not aware that Ayanami is here. Much less that you're dead."
"But–!"
"I will tell him, when I think he can take it. Until then you will lay low, understood?"
There was a moment of silence where Tiashe was quietly fuming, probably countless arguments forming on his lips, and Gido was surprised that he managed to keep all of them to himself.
"Tsk," the boy turned his head away. "Alright..."
Gido sighed to himself, running a hand through his hair and glad that he'd never had to deal with Frau at that age. "Come on... we'll get you something to eat and then we can talk and later you can see Frau, does that sound good?" A small smile appeared on his lips when he offered a hand to Tiashe. Of course he didn't take it, but he followed along when Gido led him to the kitchen.
At this hour there was rarely anyone awake so the place was empty, and they found themselves alone in the big rooms. When he glanced at Tiashe there was a sad glint in his eyes for a moment. Gido wondered where it came from, but before he could ask it was gone. "So... what's on your mind?" Gido asked as they decided on what to have for breakfast.
"Why the hell does this place look like the great church!?" Tiashe blurted out.
Oh boy, Gido thought with a smirk. That question really seemed to gnaw at him. "Not sure..." he said, as they collected everything they needed. "Only that this one must have been here first, I'm rather sure that the one downstairs is the actual replica. Maybe it's because the one downstairs is considered the residence of the Ghosts?"
"Why?" Tiashe asked. Neither of them were particularly hungry, so breakfast was organised rather easily. "This could be a replica likewise."
"Just a hunch," Gido smirked, and then followed by taking a bite of his food, falling silent as he chewed. A rather big hunch, he thought to himself. Especially when you knew for certain that the great church of Barsburg had not been there from day one of the Ghost's arrival. They had most likely rebuilt it from memory. And their memory was splendid, just to mention it. "What else?"
"Do all Ghost's come here?"
"Most do... sometimes we've got trouble finding someone, and then it takes time. That or they just don't stay..." Tiashe blinked in confusion, so Gido explained. "Sometimes, though rarely, it happens that the hosts don't take it all too well with what happens to them. There are those who don't accept their own existence... Although I've been told it's been long since we had that. Everyone else usually stays until they can go down again."
Tiashe listened, quietly munching on his breakfast. And when he finally spoke, his voice was quiet and cautious. "Is he okay? Frau I mean... you said..."
Was Frau okay? Good question, Gido thought. He was wondering that way too often himself. Sometimes he clearly seemed not okay, but even then he wouldn't talk about it. Though having Tiashe back would certainly heal some of these wounds, wouldn't it? "As good as he can be...", Gido said at last and smiled thinly. It was as close to the truth as he allowed himself to get.
Tiashe huffed.
"I wish I could I tell you what's been going on in that brat's head." The words rolled off as easy as ever off his tongue, but it felt strange. Frau certainly wasn't some kid anymore, yet it served well to distance himself. And distance was the exact thing he needed, Gido thought as he sipped on his coffee. "He's better than when I picked him up," he then added and tried to ignore his revolting stomach. This was no time to have Ayanami crawl back into his mind. "I'm sure it will do him good to see you," the smile crept back onto his lips and spread onto Tiashe's.
They spent their time eating in silence and by the time they left the kitchen the other Ghost's where slowly starting to crawl out of their holes.
"Who were these men?" Tiashe asked, trying to keep Gido's pace. There was no need to tell him where they were going, as the boy knew most likely where already. "Those you brought me and Ayanami to?"
"They're our self-proclaimed council," Gido replied, tugging at the fur covering his wrists. "They're the oldest here, so they are the ones who make the big decisions... They are the ones who decided Ayanami should stay with us, as well."
"And you never question it?" Tiashe asked.
Gido shook his head. "Some do, most don't. We rarely ever need their council but all-in-all it is quite wise to have someone to make the final decision. Consider that our own history makes us prone for heated arguments. We all value different things as more important. So maybe it is for the best that we have them."
Tiashe muttered some phrase of understanding and trudged along to his step. "But one thing is still bothering me..."
"And that would be?"
"Why was Ayanami with me? He's Verloren, right? He shouldn't be allowed in this place... It just... it doesn't make any sense," he shook his head.
Gido agreed in silence. No, it didn't. Ayanami should not have been allowed so much as near this world unharmed. No... Verloren... Gido corrected himself. Verloren... How strange. He had always thought of them as two, but as it seemed now there was only one. He could tell from the darkness that was almost literally oozing from his soul. So all he said when he finally spoke was, "I wish I could tell..."
To that, Tiashe didn't answer.
Delivering Tiashe to the bishop quarters and Fea's care had been fairly easy, and it also ensured that the brat wouldn't go off running. Now all that was left was to inform Frau. With a sigh Gido ran a hand over his face and through his hair. What a bother... Would it have been so bad to leave Ayanami where he was? Then again Gido wasn't sure if this had made anything any better or not.
Across the yard he noticed Tamika and waved, and she followed suit and smiled. For a moment Gido watched her, wondering if he should walk over, but decided not to. Instead he went back to his own room to look after Frau, who was, to no surprise, still asleep. Sometimes Gido envied his ability to sleep through anything.
He should wake him, Gido thought, that much was clear. Just... how? There was no way he could crawl next to him in bed, and no way kissing him awake would be the appropriate method. No way Frau would get anything of what he liked so much to wake up to today. Even as he reached out, Gido stopped himself. The expression on Frau's face was so peaceful, there was not even the slightest hint of the mischief that hid with a glimmer in his eyes, and he couldn't bring himself to disturb that.
He couldn't wake him just now. Reality would catch up on them soon enough. Something inside him urged him to crawl back into bed and bury his face in Frau's back, to just inhale his scent that had become so familiar in the last months. But that would be unfair; Frau had said so himself after all. This all would be over once Tiashe was dead and they would go back to what...? There was nothing to go back to... Ayanami.
No, Gido quickly shook his head. He didn't want to think about this now, and Frau certainly didn't deserve to suffer because of this. Absentmindedly, Gido picked up a book from the table and made himself comfortable on the cushioned window sill. And though he tried to read, he couldn't bring himself to focus on the letters in front his eyes. His thoughts kept spinning as his head thumped against the window. He left Frau to sleep, trying hard not to think about the things that were weighing down his tongue and mind.
It did not matter. It did not matter. Gido couldn't remember when that had become his mantra, but it certainly was no good when there was no distraction at hand. Frau always thought that he did it all for him, that he thought of him as the one in need of distraction, but in reality Gido was very glad that Frau never even suspected it to be the other way around.
When Frau awoke it was midday and Gido had nearly frozen in his position on the window sill, ignoring the pain humming through his body. It had become uncomfortable, but he had not found the strength to get up, or rather he had not found the strength to get up and not lay down next to Frau. For once it would have been really nice to just do that and wait for him to wake up and run a hand through his hair and doze every now and then just to enjoy the blissful quiet. But that seemed extremely unfair and selfish to him with Tiashe on board.
Only as Frau was attempting to get out of bed did Gido manage to heave himself off the window sill and walk towards him. For a moment he just watched Frau, rubbing his eyes and yawning and smiling up at him. Gido smiled back, running a hand through Frau's blond hair, but he could not lie. He had to tell him, and he had to tell him now.
"What's wrong?" Frau asked when Gido crouched in front of him.
Now Gido had to look up at him, but when Frau had been a kid it had brought them on eye-level in a position like this. More or less at least. "Ayanami... is here..." Gido's voice was quiet when he spoke and he took Frau's hands, just like he would back then, and squeezed them softly. For a while Frau didn't answer, instead playing with his fingers like he used to, Gido assumed he was thinking. There sat a sigh on his tongue as he noticed that Frau didn't seem to take this well. But there was nothing he could do, it was done and... he could have refused, Gido realised, and it settled like a rock in his guts. He could have refused entirely. Then he wouldn't have to deal with any of this.
But it was done and he was responsible for this situation, in a way.
Quietly, Gido explained what had happened, though he was surprised that his voice didn't waver and how little he felt bad about lying when he said he didn't know who had brought Ayanami in. Frau was a smart boy, smart enough to figure that there was a reason why they had asked him. A reason Gido preferred not talking about.
"We're keeping him away from everyone for a while, so we can all adjust to the situation," Gido heard himself say and thought. No, I need to adjust to the situation... Almost as much as you, he added when he saw the expression on Frau's face. Without a word he pulled Frau down to bury his face in his shoulder, carding a hand through his hair, after he had adjusted his position into a more comfortable one. For a while neither of them said anything, until Frau noted that there was more to be said and Gido could barely suppress a sigh, after all he was right. "Everything at its time," was all he muttered in response to his words.
He didn't even notice how tightly he was holding on, but he deliberately went on to run his hand in circles over Frau's back.
Time seemed to melt as both of them seemed to drown in their personal sorrows, though Gido did not let that show. It was nothing of Frau's concern after all, and when he finally spoke again Gido ushered Frau out of his room, his mind set on the task to bring him to Tiashe, who should be right down the hall at this point. Yet he found himself taking a detour, much to Frau's confusion it seemed, and it only made himself feel like he was drawing it out. Neither actually helped him feel at ease.
Yet he smiled.
Like he always did, but Gido hardly remembered shoving Frau through the door, only that it felt hard to breathe once the door was closed behind him. Which meant that everything would go back to before, and that was kind of good too, because really, he shouldn't have just jumped the brat the first chance he had. But it did not feel good, and in fact Gido felt a little dizzy.
It was really hard not to think about something when you were forcing yourself to, and not thinking about Frau or Ayanami was manageable, but thinking of neither at the same time seemed near impossible.
Gido blinked into the bright sunlight...when had he walked outside? He hadn't even noticed. A shaky breath left his lips. He really felt a little dizzy, Gido noticed, rubbing his temple.
God, he had to vent this somehow... some way. He had only closed his eyes for a few mere seconds it seemed, but something told him it had definitely been longer.
Tamika's voice came from far, far, away and she had to repeat her words twice before they got through to him. "How do you feel?" She had placed her hands on his arms, her face full of worry and concern.
His lips parted, but the words would not come, though they weighed down his tongue, and his expression must have spoken enough because her features softened and she brushed a hand over his cheek.
"I just need a moment..." Gido quietly stated, still wondering how he managed to sound this calm, because some part of him definitely wanted to scream and scream.
It ate him away. Everything. Seeing Frau and Tiashe each day with these bright expressions, having Ayanami around, it was all slowly adding up. Getting up was hard these days, and sleeping seemed to be as impossible as ever. He had tried burying himself in books, but that hadn't worked so well. The drill worked far better to distract him and exhaust him at the same time.
It was not envy though, the emotion that was coursing through his veins. Frau deserved what he had, and Gido would be the last to take that from him.
The sound when his swords hit the trunk again and again was never nearly as satisfying as the feeling from when he cut through the soft wood, leaving visible scars where he had hit. It was mindless hacking and Gala and Cassius would have certainly scolded him for putting the trees through so much suffering, but frankly Gido did not care. This was way more satisfying than any step sequence, which only meant a lot of hitting air. And air was no good of an opponent at any time.
When one of the swords got stuck he had to dissolve it and he stopped for a moment, panting, taking a few steps back to look at what he had done. Yawning cuts spread over the surface, revealing the pale wood underneath like flesh beneath skin. Something made Gido sure that it would bleed, if only it could, and that would have been sad if he only cared about it. It felt an awful lot like staring at his own insides.
The steps had been ingrained into him far too long ago, like the drill had been the first steps he had ever taken. He could walk them with his eyes closed, though that was of course rather stupid when facing enemies. Still, Gido liked how neat and orderly they were and how they gave him time to clear his head. A long time ago that had bought him two birds with one stone. Now it only served to clear his mind, because he didn't want to think.
Plunging his swords once again into bark, resistance echoed through his arms but only for a moment, and then the edges cut nice and swift. He was about to go for another round when he noticed his steps.
Instinct made him clutch the hilts of his swords, but he didn't turn around.
Why was it no surprise to him that Ayanami had made it out of his cage after barely two weeks? Gido closed his eyes. No, was what he thought, yet he turned around to face him, exhaustion written on his face.
"Are you imagining you're doing that to me?", Ayanami said. His voice was so, so calm, it was almost enough to scare Gido. He dared to look at him.
Anyhow, he was puzzled by his question because he had not thought about doing this to anyone, now that he thought about it. No, he didn't want to do that to Ayanami. Yelling though... there was a good share of that waiting for him. And so he finally said, "No... What do you want?"
"I think we should talk."
"I think we shouldn't," Gido gritted his teeth, turning away again. One step away from the drill's initial stance.
It was quiet for a moment and Gido thought Ayanami was about to leave, but apparently he was wrong. "So you are going to ignore me then? What happened to your pity for the monster?" Ayanami's voice was as calm as ever and Gido let out a sigh when he heard his footsteps approaching. Although he didn't want him to come any closer, Gido found himself frozen in his spot. His bones were singing with yearn.
"You used that up," he had to force the words out between gritted teeth. What the hell was he thinking... "And don't you–" Gido found himself parting his lips and closing them again. There were nothing in particular he could say that would make any sense. "You had one job god fucking dammit!" he yelled, thrusting both swords into the ground where they dissolved, which made him regret his decision immediately. "You knew what I wanted!" his voice was shaking, dangerously close to giving in.
Ayanami didn't answer and maybe it was good that way, because Gido did not want to listen. He was done listening. He had done nothing else the past ten years and now it was Ayanami's turn.
"There was no other way."
"No other way?" Gido mouthed the words in disbelief. "How about just not killing him!?" The words didn't even come out as angry as he wanted them to. His voice was breaking away. His head was spinning. This was just not true, it was not happening, he wasn't hearing this. "Do you have any – any idea what it was like... watching you, doing – all you did. And now you have the nerve to tell me we should talk. Do you wanna fucking hug it out because I don't, I'm done with this," he had turned to face Ayanami after all. Following the urge to look him in the eye. "You know exactly that I don't forgive in this matter... You knew and still...!" Gido thought there was a flicker of emotion in Ayanami's eyes, but he was too caught up in the mess of his own to identify it. He hadn't even heard the faint voice that had said his name, he only saw Ayanami's mouth move, but it made no sense to him.
"I had no control–"
"Stop lying! It's always been you! I was just too blind to see it."
"It feels like there's two of me," Ayanami insisted and for all he wanted to, Gido could not object that. "I did not mean to put you through all of that." His words were quiet, almost silent.
For a long moment it seemed he was going to say sorry, but of course that didn't happen, of course Ayanami didn't let anything show.
"And you know what the worst part is?" Something about the look on Ayanami's face told him that he didn't want to know, but he had to say it. He had to make him aware. "The worst part is that I would have forgiven you for everything if only you had done what I would have asked of you."
It was only then that he noticed that Ayanami was blatantly staring at something behind him. Rather, someone, because Gido was fairly sure he knew who stood not too far away at the entrance of the clearing. Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath as he turned around. Why the hell is it always you, he asked himself, and when he opened them he saw Frau. But of course there was no answer, just Frau's confused eyes, and suddenly Gido felt something heavy sink down into his gut, settling there in the most uncomfortable position.
It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It wasn't.
A sudden rush of panic mixed into that uneasy feeling, and Gido ignored the urge to turn around and see what Ayanami was doing. Finding out why Frau was here and how much he had heard was way more important right now. Right after getting out of this place, because he was starting to feel like he couldn't breathe.
"What's going on?" Frau asked, tugging at his sleeve, attempting to stop him, but soon giving up and following his pace while Gido struggled to make his expression a grim mask. At least emotionless. "Gido..." Sometimes Frau said his name, that much he knew, the rest was some incoherent stammering to him and suddenly there was something in his way. For a moment Gido considered disappearing, but that would only make Frau search for him and bore holes into him with question and that was something he wanted even less than talking to Frau right now. "What's going on?" This time the question pressed more urgency. "What– What was that all about, I don't understand, why did you say that to him?"
For an instant Gido's mind went blank, Frau's questions seemed to float about but there was no sense to them. Just what the hell should he tell him? There was no easy explanation for this. There was no explanation that would not hurt. "Because..." the word slipped empty from his lips. Because he was supposed to look out for you, not to kill you. But he could hardly say that. "Not now..." Gido finally managed, inhaling slowly. "I..." he couldn't find the words. "Just– I can't... I don't want talk about this right now." There, he thought to himself. It was out and it hadn't even been as hard as he had imagined it. "What are you doing here anyway?"
"I was looking for you. I was worried..."
However, it was clear that Frau had no intention of letting him go and for a moment Gido just wanted to disappear again, but again he didn't. That feeling then slowly turned into wanting to scream and shout and Frau, but that just seemed highly unfair and he certainly couldn't do that.
A few more deep breaths and Gido felt the calm slowly creeping back into his body now that he was concentrating on Frau. "Don't worry," he managed. "It's nothing of your concern, alright? What – what happened there... That was– I just never got to vent my anger." The small laugh that came from his throat surprised even himself. It was more of a try than an actual laugh though. "I– It... guess it came out worse than it was supposed to be..."
Frau sighed, as he seemed to think of him as some idiot, or so his expression told him. "Why did you say you'd forgive him? What would you forgive him for?"
Oh, did he really feel the need for that? Gido just shook his head, his mouth tightening. There was no easy explanation. "It's silly after all," he heard himself say. "It's stupid, I don't want to talk about it..."
"What did he do to you?" Now there was honest concern, but that only hurt as well.
If only you knew... Gido thought, kneading the bridge of his nose because looking at Frau suddenly became incredibly difficult. "Let me go, I said even more than I wanted to already..."
To his surprise, Frau listened.
It was a relief to finally disappear. With a low thud Gido sank against the door to his room, burying his face into his hands when he sank down.
Frau's question kept coursing through his head. What did he do to you? And when Gido tried to answer it quietly he either felt like kicking something or laughing at his own stupidity. Because the worst wasn't that he would have forgiven him, the worst was the reason why he would do that. The worst was that he... some part of him still loved him, though Gido wished he wouldn't. And that hurt, it hurt because it had made watching him unbearable and it hurt even more to think of what that would do to Frau. It hurt because he didn't want to love him anymore and it made him just want to scream instead. It hurt for all Ayanami's inconsiderate behaviour had put him through.
Anger felt rather secondary next to the pain gaping inside of him.
Gido was startled when a warm hand touched his head as he had believed he was alone, but Tamika's face just brought back the pain to his own. "I don't want to anymore... It was supposed to be over someday..." And he only just noticed the tears that had been finding their way out of his eyes when she wiped them away. "Shit," he muttered, rubbing them off his face and accepting that she sat down on his lap to hold him close. "It's just... I'm sick of it and I want to scream at him, but... I can't because when I get too close I... I..." I fear I will give in. Gido couldn't admit it out loud, so it was good that Tamika asked no questions, instead she muttered soothing words to him and ran a hand down the back of his head.
There was just no way he was allowed to give in.
*Takes a deep breath* Well?
You didn't expect that, did you? I bet you, you didn't. *Cackles* I wish I could make it so the tags only appear after one read the chapter, so it would have been more of a surprise.
If you want to bother me with questions, there's a link to my tumblr on my profile.