Now we're finally closing the time gap that Gido's part has created. Yay!
Have fun reading!
Gido had been avoiding him.
Frustrated, Frau kicked a banister, nowhere near satisfied with the lack of resistance it provided.
Thankfully, Teito wasn't here to scold him for trying to damage the church. Or Castor for all that it mattered, both would have hit him and... There was a sting of pain and Frau found himself laughing over the fact how much he missed bickering and fighting with him after all. Castor had been a good friend, always. For all that they had fought, they had stuck together just the same.
He was happy, that was not quite the issue, but just because Teito had died didn't mean he wanted to cut Gido out of his life. The first few days it had been quite nice to have Teito all to himself, but after a while Gido's absence had started to lower his mood. After all, Frau wanted him around. He wanted him to run a hand through his hair and tease him and have everything back to how it had always been. Because that was how it should be after all, now that it was out of question for them to continue the relationship they had shared since his arrival.
Besides, there was the fact that Gido had lied to him, which not only confused him, but it pissed him off. Especially when he took the second possible event where that had happened into account. Gido was doing it again. Treating him like a kid, like he was unable to comprehend or understand the situation, or both. Hadn't he proven himself enough by now?
Teito got along surprisingly well with the other Ghost's, taking a special interest in those who had lived in Raggs and who spoke the lost language. Some days he returned to Frau happily chatting about all the things he had learned about the fallen kingdom, and as often, Frau could only smile and listen, happy to watch the bright smile on his face alone. It was nice to see him open up that much, even when it was only when it came to that specific topic.
Right now he was probably out with Fea again. It was his second favourite way to spend his time here, Raggs being the third, and personally Frau liked to consider himself as the first.
He was thankful though that Teito was not around right now. Otherwise he would have surely insisted on tagging along, and Frau wasn't actually fond of that thought. The way that Gido was avoiding him made him seem extremely guilty of his lie and Frau wasn't sure what exactly to make of that. After all... what reason would Gido have to become involved in this matter? Even if he was good at sniffing out a sane soul now and then, that didn't exactly qualify him to take care of Ayanami.
Frau wondered who else they had taken into consideration, but failed to come up with any name after realising that he didn't exactly know them all that well. Maybe except for Tamika, but she didn't exactly seem the type one would burden with that task.
Shoving any thoughts regarding that subject aside, Frau tried to concentrate on his current self set task: finding Gido. He was not in his room and not with any of the other Ghost's present, he had checked on that just now. So where had he gone... Maybe the catacombs, although Frau was not sure why he would hide there anyway. It was dark and not exactly the driest spot around the church, yet... their coffins had been stored there, or at least until Frau had asked for his to be placed in his room. Something about the snug, closed space had been comforting. It had made him feel less aware of how alone he had been when he went to sleep.
Usually, well often enough, he had spent his nights snuggled into Gido's chest. The silence inside had been rather soothing than scaring. The cold of his body too familiar after some time, and Gido had been awake. He had always been awake and watching over him, when they huddled together in his bed, which had been way too small for Gido. So he had curled up around him, more or less. It had made sleeping much easier on some nights.
Often Frau would wake up to find Gido dozing and hugging the pillow in his stead, when he removed himself from his arms. They had never talked about it. It had been a silent agreement both abided on bad nights, though in retrospect it might very well be Frau who had initiated it. Complaining that Gido never slept, or at least not when he should, and more importantly not enough. As their captain, he had been a terrible example in the field.
Sometimes when Frau had returned to his room after some hours, he had found him sitting in bed, Gido's face pale as ash and his hands often clutching the sheets. Gido's eyes had been unfocused, wide open, and when there had been no momentary flicker of terror, they had seemed so empty that Frau felt fearful. Sometimes Frau wondered if he had dreamed those moments, because the moment he opened his mouth and made Gido aware of his presence, it was gone; like it had slipped behind a mask. Anyhow, if he didn't know any better he would say his captain had had nightmares, for reasons unknown to him. Frau had never dared to ask, he didn't even know why. Usually it came naturally to scold Gido for his behaviour when he was falling out of line, but something about the look on his face, something about the smile that he had used to show him only seconds after, had silenced him.
Why the hell was he thinking about that right now anyway? Frau gave a frustrated sound and fished a cigarette from his pocket, though he was less interested in smoking than busying his hands.
He was fumbling with his lighter. The only he had ever owned, which had even Castor's approval after he had been forced to consider Frau's reasons. Besides... he had enjoyed working on it, though it had been painstaking. A smile crept across his face when the flame lit up, his cigarette soon after, and it was only then that he noticed Asyl. Frau called out her name. "Wait!" He said, but didn't have to as he realised she had already turned to face him.
A moment later she was standing right in front of him, so suddenly that he almost dropped his cigarette. Instead he forced himself to tighten his grip and take a step backwards.
Teleporting was all fun and games until people started using that to cross close distances and you had them staring at your face within a matter of seconds. It was creepy, to say the least.
"What is it?" she asked and smiled at him. Her chestnut hair was tied into a ponytail, a few loose strands framed her face.
"Well... have you seen Gido? I haven't seen him in days actually..." And that was quite an understatement, because the last time he had 'seen' him, Gido had been way too far and quickly walking away to actually talk to him.
To his surprise Asyl fell instantly quiet and dropped her gaze, absent-mindedly staring at something on his chest and his feet it seemed.
"Asyl? Is something wrong?"
At that she quickly glanced up and smiled, twirling a stand of brown hair between her fingers. "No... no everything's alright. Just..." Her gaze softened. "Don't be too hard on him..."
"What..." Frau drew his brows together, "the hell is that supposed to mean? Is he alright? Bloody tell me."
"I already told you, no need to worry," she put her arms akimbo, boring a finger into his chest soon after though. It felt awfully familiar to Magdalen, scolding him. "I don't know where he is, but he's certainly not avoiding you," she quickly added and tried a sympathising smile, her features softening once more. It was one of the worst excuses Frau had ever heard.
"You don't actually believe that yourself, do you?" he groaned, kneading the bridge of his nose.
"Uhm..." Asyl seemed obviously caught. "B-but I mean, there's really nothing to–" Frau didn't exactly answer, he simply glared at her until she fell silent and bowed her head. "I'm not entitled to answer..." the words came out slow and quiet and she looked away when she spoke. "But I really haven't seen him... kinda makes me worry myself," she finally admitted. Only that she didn't tell him what exactly she was worried about and Frau had a distinct feeling that he wouldn't get an answer from her anyway.
For a while Frau eyed her, wondering what exactly made her think she was not entitled to answer. It made her sound like there was something secret going on and he hadn't been invited to the party. "Why exactly not..." she gave him a questioning look and Frau took a deep breath, filling his lungs deep with smoke. After he exhaled, he let his eyes wander back to Asyl and he completed his question. "Why exactly are you not entitled to answer?"
Now it was Asyl's turn to take a deep breath as she sighed. "Come..." she said and led Frau to the enormous fountain from where you could watch the church gates, as well as nearly everything else on this side of the yard. There wasn't much blocking your view either way. Often Frau had found the church's stray cats in this area. He had fed them and after some time they had started following him around and sitting or sleeping on his shoulders and lap. Now of course there were none present.
Not even Razette, but Frau tried not to think too much about that. Even though she had always been scared of him she had been part of the church, Castor's best friend, and somehow even Frau had grown fond of her.
"You miss her... right?" Asyl suddenly said, pointing at the water, and all Frau had for her was a helpless smile, but she waved it off. "I understand, you start to become fond of the strangest things once you lose them..."
"Yeah..." Frau sighed, feeling somewhat like a child again the way she had lead him elsewhere and sat him down. Like this topic needed preparation. Had Gido learned that from her?
For a while neither of them talked, and Frau had taken of his glove – he still wore them out of habit and he had noticed that many Ghost's did – and was drawing shapes onto the water's surface.
"Did you ever get the answer from somebody else around here?" Asyl finally asked, very quietly.
"Once or twice... not that often..." Frau said, watching the ripples on the surface.
"Well... we have an unspoken rule. We can watch the lives of our successors; watch them grow up and... sometimes they have a thing or two they don't like talking about. So when they come here, well... to be quite honest, we often already know which subjects to avoid, but some make very clear which specific topics they don't want to talk about. As long as they are alive and not part of our home up here it might be fine to talk about these things though, or when they go down again. Usually that answer simply means you've reached a subject where it would not be fair to talk about it for those involved. As long as Gido doesn't talk about it, I won't talk about it. Nobody talks about it even though we might know what's going on. It's as simple as that; we don't spill each other's secrets."
Frau had listened to her while watching his reflection on the surface. What she said made sense, but didn't exactly calm his nerves.
"I understand that you're worried, but I can't give you the answers you're looking for."
"Because it wouldn't be fair..." Frau nodded, defeated, and seemed to sink into himself. "You do know what's going on though... don't you?"
Asyl didn't answer for a while. Again. Frau was biting his lip and when she opened her mouth, he lifted his gaze to look at her. "To be fair, I think I have a pretty good guess... He didn't exactly tell me, so I don't know for sure." Her smile was apologetic. "That's just what we do, you know? That's why we watch, we get to know our successors so we can look after them once they follow us into heaven. We have to deal with what we become almost our whole life alone, so..." Asyl didn't finish her sentence but Frau understood anyway and simply nodded.
"I have another question, actually no... it's more something I want your opinion on."
"Shoot away," Asyl stretched her legs, but they were still significantly shorter than his, Frau noticed. She never seemed that short when she stood in front of him.
"That stupid brat wants to stay with me in heaven, but I think he shouldn't. I mean I'm glad and all, but it'll take decades... even for me and... I really... I don't..." Frau bowed his head and sighed. "Feels like I'm burdening him with a penalty that isn't his..."
"Are you asking me to talk him into coming downstairs with me?" She seemed genuinely surprised.
Frau kept chewing on the inside of his bottom lip. "I'm not sure... but I'm starting to realise that for all that I'm happy for having him around... I would still... really like to see him happy and alive instead." There was a moment of silence after which Frau quietly, almost a bit scared, asked, "does that make me a bad boyfriend?"
But Asyl only chuckled quietly. "I'd say it makes you human", she replied and Frau glanced at her, before his expression settled into a small smile.
"I guess..." he said, but didn't exactly feel better.
"I can talk to him. But this is not a promise; I won't force him if he doesn't want to go."
For a while Frau didn't reply to her, instead he seemed to shrink as he pulled his legs close and his shoulders and head sank down. "I don't... want him to go..." he quietly said at last and pulled up a leg to wrap his arms around. "I want him to stay," he whispered. "Yet, if he stays he'll have to wait because of me, because I can't go back down for at least a decade and a half... or two... or however long it takes. It's too long. And, however manageable that seems to him, it's not. I know he'll want to go back to them once he sees them, he'll want to ease their sorrow. But he will stay, because of me. As much as he might think it's worth it, it's not. It'll hurt, but he'll have forgotten about that by the time he's born. He won't have to live with a void in his heart, or at least he gets a brand new chance to fill it. I don't want him to think he has to stay for me."
Asyl cocked her head. "So you don't want him to base his decision solely on you, so you tell him to go downstairs, but what if what he really wants is to stay?"
Frau snorted. "That brat has no idea how close to an eternity ten years is. I do." It had been meant to silence Asyl, but in the end she silenced him.
"I don't see how that's so bad, you get to spend an eternity with your loved one and then you can both be reborn," she smiled. Frau didn't look at her, so he couldn't see it but he could hear it in her voice. "Don't you want that?"
Something Frau couldn't name choked off the words he had for an answer, so instead he nodded quickly, when he noticed he was probably taking alarmingly too long to answer. "Of course I want that...," Frau managed and bit his lip. Of course he wanted to spend even more time with Teito. Of course he didn't want him to leave. Yet it was better... the word had a bitter taste. It didn't feel much like it was actually better.
"Still..." Frau's voice was still quiet. His fingers clenched around the fabric of his pants. It felt way too selfish and like it was not nearly enough...
"Well, if he wants he can always change his mind. Leave him that freedom of choice and I'm sure he'll do the right thing. That kid has his heart in the right place and some brain cells, contrary to you," Asyl patted his head.
Although he wanted to object, Frau couldn't find the words for it. Instead he rested his head on his knee and closed his eyes.
"Thinking about it," Asyl said and Frau made a small noise, stating he was listening. "I think I might know where Gido is. Try the woods nearby, I think he mentioned he lived near one when he was a kid or something..." Glancing at her, Frau found Asyl pondering that fact and furrowed his brows. "I think he likes that place."
Eden had no forest. Well, not nearby, and where it was there were no houses or buildings. There was no place to live near a forest. But that was something he had no energy to discuss right now. Instead he made a mental note to ask Gido about it some time. When he eventually found him, Frau thought, groaning quietly in frustration. Besides, how could Asyl be so sure, if she only thought he might be there? Maybe he was still in the church and Frau had just overlooked– no you clearly couldn't simply overlook Gido. That was ridiculous.
Frau closed his eyes, wishing for Gido to be at his side and calming him with a few reassuring words. He would know what to say, he would know what to do... he always did. Gido... "Well, then I should check that out," Frau said, but the words seemed alien when they passed his lips. "Thanks, I guess..." he said as rose from the fountain's edge and bid Asyl goodbye.
Maybe figuring out where Gido had run off to would take his mind off Teito for a while, and then he could try and find out why the hell Gido seemed to be avoiding everyone and everything in the first place.
Finding the forest itself was easy; it practically jumped at him once the gates closed behind him.
But where the hell was Gido? The forest was huge, and even when he was crossing rather large distances by teleporting Frau found himself soon tired of searching in vain.
With a frustrated grunt Frau sunk his head into the crook of his arm, which was supporting him against a tree.
"You do remember what darkness feels like..."
Frau glanced at the ground far below the branch he stood upon. Yes, he thought, although it had been more of a statement of fact than a question.
"Then this should be easy for you. Use it as a tool to map this place."
Taking a deep breath, Frau closed his eyes once more and tried to concentrate on his surroundings, Gido's voice resounding in his head.
"It leaves a signature. Just like souls do..."
And just what would that signature be? Frau sighed to himself. If Gido were here, he would run a hand through his hair and tell him not to worry, or start hinting at what he could do next... With him he wouldn't feel so god damn lonely right now. It felt cold, Frau realised and blinked. Gido being near him was warmth, it was... home. The word appeared with a lump in his throat.
Home... Yes, that was what it had always been, and now his home was gone once more. Closing his eyes, Frau went to sink back against the tree trunk. How he wished he could be home...
Suddenly, there was no tree.
That was the first thing Frau noticed, and then came the rush of panic before he promptly landed on his butt. Frau grumbled for a moment and contemplated going back to the church, because this was really getting him nowhere but strange places by the minute. And then he heard their voices.
Frau couldn't distinguish them and neither could he tell what they were saying. So much for accurate teleporting, not even that he could do right. Why was it that all he could think of was that Gido would find this highly amusing...? Gritting his teeth, Frau decided that there was no use fretting over it and that he should at least try to figure out who the hell was picking a fight so far away from the church. It didn't make much sense in the first place; everybody seemed to be best buddies for all that he knew.
The closer Frau got the more clear the voices became and after a while he noticed that it was not two voices, but only one, and it sounded quite angry and also... familiar. Frau swallowed and shook his head. Was that... Gido?
Quickening his steps, Frau finally reached the clearing, blinking at the suddenly bright sun, trying to understand what was going on. There was Gido, there was Ayanami, and that was more than confusing. Some of the trees in this area looked like they had taken a serious beating from something sharp, their insides were cracked open, which was kind of confusing since Frau hadn't actually encountered any weapons here. Unless one counted those two useless pairs of swords hanging upon that wall in Gido's room, but they had still been there when Frau had started looking around for him.
"The worst is that I would have forgiven you for everything if only you had done what I would have asked of you."
Frau's head jerked up, staring at the man from whose mouth these words had come in utter disbelief. Gido would what if what? That was... madness, his eyes lingered on Gido's back for another while before he carefully lifted them to meet Ayanami's and... he saw him. Ayanami's eyes barely moved but Frau was sure that he was staring right at him. He swallowed, gathering his courage to speak up, but it was then that Gido turned around and met his stare. The look in his eyes terribly defeated and, there were a few other things Frau couldn't place, but it was the look of someone wanting to give up a fight that had been going on for way to long. Battle weary was what Frau thought when he felt the lump move from his throat and turn into a tight knot around his stomach. Why was Gido looking at him like that?
Gido had never looked at him like that, but now he did, and he didn't stop.
Anybody but him. Gido wasn't supposed to have these moments, Frau thought, and suddenly felt very much like he was nine again. And suddenly it scared him.
The thought of leaving Ayanami behind would usually seem highly dangerous and quite illogical to him, but right now there was no room for these things in Frau's brain. "What's going on?" he managed, his voice trembling and his eyes fixed on Ayanami, while his hands were grabbing for Gido's coat in order to stop. Yet no such thing happened and Frau was forced to follow him.
Frau knew he was talking, but sometimes he wasn't so sure if his vocal chords were actually working or if Gido wasn't listening, or both. All that he remembered later was that he tried talking to him, but he couldn't remember any of the words he said until the fog cleared and he had blocked Gido's way.
"What– What was that all about, I don't understand, why did you say that to him?" Frau uttered with more confidence than he felt he had.
Anger was the first thing to wash over him when Gido finally started to answer, but was soon swept away by a calm realisation that cleared his mind. He wasn't nine anymore and he certainly didn't have to yell to get his attention, though maybe to knock some sense into him, and suddenly Frau wasn't scared anymore. Instead it made him quite unspeakably sad in a way that felt more uncomfortable than he could deal with right now.
Yet instead of yelling at Gido more, Frau almost surprised himself when he almost calmly asked, "why did you say you'd forgive him? What would you forgive him for?" But Gido's answer was far from satisfying and suddenly a small glimpse of Ayanami's presence at the scene crawled back into Frau's memory. And then Frau remembered how easily Gido always called Ayanami's picture to the surface of the lake, and something clicked in his mind.
"What did he do to you?" Frau asked concerned, and suddenly very sure about that fact. Ayanami had done something to Gido and it now made him say these stupid things that made no sense.
"Let me go, I said even more than I wanted to already..."
Frau paused momentarily, but even then didn't say or do anything. There it was again, his battle-weariness, and for the first time Frau felt like Gido was giving him a genuine answer and reaction. So he slowly nodded, but somehow Frau was sure Gido didn't notice that anymore, as he blankly stared at him when he let him go and then disappeared.
Staring at the empty space Gido left behind, Frau found himself wondering what he was going to do. And then it dawned on him.
Shit