The Trial of the Lost

Hello, this is the author. I have a lot of free times lately, so I can almost upload on a daily basis. (Almost!) Besides, I want to keep writing while I'm still quite enthusiastic about this project. And...I tend to explore more on the inner struggle of a character... it's kind of my stuff. Hope it's not too dark for readers (but come on it's SANW what do you expect)! And hope you enjoy!

-Based on the universe of 2003 TV series episode "Same as it never was".

-Disclaimer: I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Chapter Three: Fear and Raffaello

Once somebody said that anger is a demon in disguise. You try to mask it with emotions and all kinds of reason, fine. But it's not going to work. Deep down inside you know it's nothing but a lie. Anger is a demon—and it's you. No matter how you want to convince yourself that something pisses you off and you're only defending yourself by overloading your body with rage, it's not true. No excuse for anger, sorry. You have to know. Don't whine when there's something in life that you cannot control.

Ha, I wish I could buy this crap. Truth is, I totally think it's logical and all. Yeah. But what happens after you believe that you are the demon that's causing everybody and yourself trouble? Nothing. So, you admit it, but that changes nothing.

I don't think I gained any wisdom after Don left. Well, some people always say that life is an adventure or a lesson or something. And you should always learn the lessons in life. But what's the point of Don's leaving us? There's no lesson in this one. It had taught us nothing but pain. So yeah, pain is something we should learn right? It just hurt you, and get worse, and worse and worse and I don't see why it's necessary.

I know I'm not thinking things through, again, ha. Well, wise people always come up with some sort of explanation. They sure have an answer or two why God had done something so horrible to us. Karma or sins or something like that, whatever. It's endless. Why do they have to be so wise and walk around telling everybody what is right to think and what is not? I just can't stand them. They always have to prove something. That sickens me. Really.

He knew he was close to the lair. He had to go there and…. He had to know whether Master Splinter was alive.

He also knew that Mikey's condition was critical. He had to bring the antibiotic back to that warehouse right now and make Mikey better.

But he had to go to the lair… to see…

Leonardo climbed down into the sewer. After taking out a new flashlight April bought for them from one of the bags, he put the bags down against the wall.

He knew the way to the lair too well. It was not far. He trod carefully, slowly pulled out one katana without a sound. After two or three turns, he would know what happened after they left this place last night. Although he moved as steady and as quiet as possible, his heart was pounding fast in his chest; in fact, it's banging in his chest—if someone stood right beside him, he'd hear it. He felt thirsty and licked his lips; they felt like coarse paper.

Raph's probably right, he thought, it was my fault. Why had I made such a decision? But there's no time to think… I only did what I have to do. Besides, it's Sensei's order. But maybe…just maybe, it doesn't have to be that way…

Leo shook his head, waving these thoughts aside as he clenched his fist. Doesn't matter anymore. What matters is what I'm about going to see. He had thought there might be Foot Ninjas guarding the place, waiting for them to return. What if Master Splinter is still alive, but was captured? He jumped a little as he thought about the possibility. And he found that he would be glad if it's so… As long as he's alive, there's chance.

He approached the damaged section outside the lair where explosions took place last night. His mind suddenly filled with images of yesterday: Raph's reproachful glare at him when they ran through this tunnel. The look on Mikey's face when an invisible Foottechninja seized him from behind while a legionbot slit his forearm with sword. A brick hitting Raph on his face leaving his cheek scarred and bloody. Master Splinter…

Leonardo found himself staring into the darkness of the lair. It was completely still.

I have to turn the flashlight on, he thought. But if there were enemy, they'd see me.

He hesitated, and then made up his mind. Holding his katana in his left hand and the flashlight in the other, he stepped into their home determinedly.

Turning the flashlight on, he saw there were remains of the destroyed robots everywhere on the floor, and no sign of enemies. Nonetheless, he had better remain alert.

He turned the flashlight around, searching for any clues, any trail that might lead him to an answer.

The lair now looked nothing like home. Fragments of furniture, book pages, and fractured robots were scattered everywhere. As a result of explosions, there were traces of rampant fire as well.

He grew more and more uneasy as he gradually started to recognize things he was so familiar with until yesterday. The remains of their sofa, the coffee table, Raph's punching bag that now looked like burned pillowcase, the bookshelf that Splinter's book of Renaissance art used to rest on, and Donnie's desk.

Leo halted, dropping his katana to his side. We never touch his stuff after he's gone. We never want to remove things in his workshop or his room. Because we still think it is possible that he'll come home one day. But now even if he did come back, he wouldn't find our home again, and…

He suddenly noticed that there was something leaning against the desk. He took a few steps forward; his eyes narrowed. It was a thin figure, a person. It was still and lifeless and strange and familiar…

His katana dropped down to the ground, creating a noise. But he did not care about stealth anymore as he rushed to the side of the motionless body.

Leonardo found the trail he was looking for, and the answer was way too obvious.

Raphael was sitting by the door of the warehouse. He had moved himself and Mikey here, because he wanted to catch the first sight of Leo when he returns. It had been over an hour and a half now. It shouldn't take Leo that long. He's the mighty Fearless for chrissake.

The wind that blew through the door was chilly but soothing. Raph liked the sound of the wind. Somehow it was reassuring; it reminded him that he was not so quite alone.

Normally he would embrace solitude with gratitude. Isolation was never an enemy to Raphael—however, it used to be when he was little; often would he feel that he's quite different from his brothers, and it made him angry. It probably started with the fact that his name does not end with "o". He had wondered why he was not named "Raffaello", it's Italian, and his name would fit in with his brothers' quite easily. But of course, name wasn't the only reason why he sometimes felt like an outsider. There was his rebelliousness, and he longed for being alone. From time to time he would go topside by himself and enjoy a very free and good time just running on the roof or smashing two or three punks.

Now it's a different situation. Mikey was burning up in his arms. He was silent and weak and it made Raph feel alone. He feared that he might lose Mike before Leo came back. Why does it take him so long? What's he doin'? Did somebody attack him?

For the first time in his life, Raphael felt helpless. Completely helpless. Mikey's life was at stake. Why should it have to be Mikey, the guy who always bragged about how fast and agile he is and the Battle Nexus Champion? Why wasn't it Leo or him? He was willing to do anything to trade for Mikey's life. Why am I still sitting here waiting for that bastard to return? He should probably just call a vet or something, and if that guy weren't trustworthy, he would kill him after he save Mikey. Yes, that's what I'm gonna do. Killll him. He smiled at the thought of threatening the vet. But as he looked down at Mikey whose mind was still trapped in a very long nightmare, the smile disappeared from his face immediately.

His mouth felt so dry, so dry that he thought his throat was burning. Ok, no Leo. At least I can sneak into some guy's kitchen and grab a bottle of water. Mikey needs water, too. For chrissake he bled so much! The more he thought about Leo wandering outside not helping, the more he felt that unseen wriggling movement inside his body growing. Told 'im I would go. Though my leg's sprained I'm still faster than him. All right. This is the end of it. I'm going.

He looked down at Mikey again. "Hey bro," he said, his voice a lot more hoarse than usual resulting from weakness and tiredness. "I'm gonna bring you back some food and medicine okay?" Of course Mikey couldn't hear him, but he thought he better keep talking to him as if he could hear. "Won't be gone too long." He started to stretch his leg, but stopped and hesitated for a moment. The thought of leaving Mikey unconscious and alone in an old warehouse put a stop to realizing his decision. Nobody will come in here. …But what if someone did? He thought painfully, overwhelming by helplessness again.

I hate this. I don't have to take it. I can run away like I always do, like a coward; if I die I won't care. I won't care. Just let me die. Let them find me, and I'll fight them to death. But it's not my life that matters… it's Mikey's, and I have no right to run away from him. Not now. It's not fair. Why does it have to be Mikey, and Donnie? And Master Splinter… They didn't do anything wrong. If it's me I'd understand, I know I'm a jerk sometimes, I disobeyed Sensei, and Leo, and I always hurt my brothers, always causing troubles. Why am I not the one that has to suffer? I deserve to be punished. I so deserve it. Why isn't it me?

The wriggling movement in his stomach became wildfire that spread through his limbs quickly. He trembled in rage. He felt even angrier when he realized he's doing it again.

Anger results from the lack of balance, Raphael.

I lost the balance, Sensei. I know it's wrong but I have no control over myself. He could hear Splinter saying to him from a distance, be patient Raphael… Leonardo will come back. You must wait. You must stay with Michelangelo. Your brothers need you here.

But how do I know? What if he's too late? What if Mikey…

And then the second thing he knew, he was dragging his lame leg across the warehouse. His hands searching, picking up any trash in this damn place and throwing them down the floor, smashing them into pieces. He bellowed like a wounded animal, he was a wounded animal. A part of him was crying in silence, telling him to stop, but the other side of him, the beast, the demon, won. He just couldn't stop. He stumbled and fell. Are you scared? The demon remarked, smiling viciously. Are you afraid? What are you afraid of? …hmmm, are you afraid that Mikey's going to die? Are you scared because he's going to die and you can do nothing to help him? Are you scared because Splinter is dead and Leonardo is not coming back? Are you afraid because you are weak and powerless? Are you afraid of me? Oh, please, admit it, Raphie. You see, I'm your friend! I can help you. Forget about your brothers. You are stuck here because of them. You are strong because you are alone… Don't you like being alone? Alone with me… What? ...You say you don't like it? Then you are a coward, 'cause you are afraid… Admit it… I'd like to hear you admit it…

"No." He roared, barely recognized his voice; it sounded so… angry and lost. "I'm not going to say it. I'm not afraid. I'm not a coward!"

But you cannot help your little brother… and he's going to die… like Splinter…

"No he's not." He said out loud. "Mikey's not going to die."

Well, you're only saying that to convince yourself…

"Get out of my MIND!"

That's not possible… I'm you. I am Raphael…

"Shut the fuck up!" He yelled and punched the wall, hurting his fist; a cruel satisfaction rose from the pain. He struck the wall again and again until his fists were numb and then he collapsed on the floor with tears rolling down his cheeks.

He is dead. Master Splinter is dead.

He couldn't believe his eyes. Yet it was all too real—the uncomfortable silence around him and in the air, and the cold body in his arms—it was real.

For a while, Leonarno was too stunned to move or think. And then the stream of his thoughts started to flow again. What have I done? He bit his lower lip. Why had I left him? I know he wanted to protect us but…

I failed you. He looked down at his father, who taught him how to be a ninja and entrusted him with being his brothers' leader. You taught us everything; you gave us everything you had; yet this is what I give you in return. Failing you at the time you need me the most.

Looking at Splinter, he found himself unable to cry. He felt regret, anger, and the thirst for revenge. He placed a trembling hand on his father's eyes and closed them. He bit his lips harder until he tasted blood. He tried to hold back the emotions welling up inside his body. Calm down Leonardo. Think. What do you have to do?

I have to take him back. Have to bury him in a proper place. And Mikey. I have to go back to the warehouse. Now.

He took up the remains of Raph's punching bag, and wrapped Splinter in it. He should have found something better, but there wasn't enough time. He held Splinter in his arms and turned around to pick up his katana on the floor…

"I knew you would come, Leonardo." A voice said.

The place was suddenly filled with light. And Leonardo saw her. There she was, with one foot stepping on his sword.

Rage blurred his vision as he hissed at the person standing before him.

"Karai."

—End of chapter three.