THE TRIAL OF THE LOST

by TJ Hector

-A/N:

Thank you for your reviews, cup-mikey-gertha, EmoPrivateLuv, InsaneDutchGirl, yukio87 and dondena. Especially cup-mikey-gertha and InsaneDutchGirl, your reviews are great encouragements to me! They mean to me a lot. (Sorry I'm not good at saying sweet words this is my greatest effort...!) Thank you so much all the readers!

This is a bit shorter than the previous chapters since it was not actually a chapter with plot but only an epilogue containing several small sections to properly put the story to a closure.

I think this is good enough for my first multi-chapter fan fiction. Actually the longest story in English I've ever written in my whole life. Of course I'm never satisfied. And I know there are still a lot of grammar and spelling error in previous chapters I haven't got time to check and correct. I'll keep writing in the future and certainly improve myself.

I have had a very good time writing the story. I put a lot of emotions and thoughts into it. It's like a live meditation for me. (I tried meditating on a regular basis but it's not my thing LOL!) Detect your thoughts, brood on them and scribble them down. It certainly helped me understand many things better. Okay. Enough babbling.

-Based on/inspired by 2003 TV series epic episode "Same as it never was".

-Disclaimer: I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Epilogue: The Same Whirling World

[Michelangelo]

I loved to sit beside the window and gaze the sunshine brighten up the city. It was incredible seeing the city, an absolutely artificial creation, soaking under the warm, inexplicable power of nature. The New York City we knew our whole life wasn't exactly a glamorous place; we knew its dark sides too well. But under that sunlight everything looked so small, bright and trivial.

I'd never had much time to adore such things like sunlight or the breeze coming in from the window, since we'd been living our whole life in the sewer underground. Now that I had a chance to just sit down and stare into the beauty, I suddenly didn't want to see anymore. It's too overwhelming. The world outside still whirled on, but our lives had crumbled and shattered. Outside that window everything seems so glorious, peaceful and ordinary that it made me angry. It was too callous. Though I knew the world, that shiny beauty under the rays, had nothing to do with us like Raph always reminded me, I sometimes envy it too much. I wanted to belong there.

I wanted to leave our burdens behind. I wanted to leave my brothers, and I know they were sick and tired of me as well. They never said a word or complained about anything, but I knew. I hated it when Raph pestered me with feeding me spoons of cereal or some instant soup (I ain't got no arm. My right hand's still there), or when Leo sar next to me and asked me how am I feeling without looking my face. What irritated me the most was that they never looked into my eyes anymore. And my arm. They never, not even a little instant, looked at my arm. I didn't know whether it's because they feel guilty or because they didn't want to remind me the pain. They had no idea they looked miserable. They no longer fought; they just ignored one another. I was scared at first, like when Don disappeared years ago. But I was good at adapting I guess, unlike my other two brothers. I quickly learned to overlook their expression or what they said to me. I nodded and mumbled some response. I was like an empty shell, sitting there and rotting without being noticed.

One day I tried to get out of bed. I had been healing fast. I found my nunchuks on the little table near TV. I took one in my right hand and felt it. That's when Raph came in and saw me. He stared at me wide-eyed. For a moment we gazed into each other's eyes. He looked like something died. I hated it when he looked like that. I ain't dead. I just lost one arm and what's the big deal? And when I could no longer bear the weight in his stare, I threw the nunchuk across the room and it hit him on his plastron. I expected him to be enraged but he just frowned and called my name. His voice was so soft that I grew even angrier. I took my other nunchuk and locked myself inside the kitchen the rest of the day. They didn't try to open that door or make me come out which I was glad. I played with my nunchuk. It felt weird with only one of them and only one of my arms. But like I said I'm quick at adapting. I would get used to it.

"Hello...?"

"April. This is Leonardo."

"Hey! Leo! We've been worrying sick…How's everything?"

"We're fine. We're staying at Casey's apartment. You think it's okay with him?"

"Of course! We can't be much of help here. I'm glad at least there's something we can do for you."

"Thanks, April. And tell Casey we're very grateful."

"Don't mention it, Leo. Is everyone okay?"

"Yeah… it's just… uh, I have to tell you something, April."

"…What is it, Leo?"

"…Master Splinter is dead."

"…"

"…"

"…I'm so sorry, Leo…"

"…. So…you're in the farmhouse?"

"Yeah. And we sold our car and bought another second-hand van. So…it's safer to drive around once we get back to the city."

"…You think it's okay if we come to the farmhouse too?"

"Of course. You should leave the city for a while. We can come pick you up."

"Thanks, April. We…actually there will only be Raphael and Michelangelo. I'm gonna stick around here for a while."

"But, why?"

"Have you seen the news lately?"

"You mean… Shredder has expanded his force and he's going to offer his help to the defense of New York City?"

"Yeah… I want to investigate this matter. Maybe stop him if I can. I think that's why he chose this moment to ambush us, so we could be distracted from his other depraved plans. I think he's gaining his political power over the city. Not just in the dark alley, but on the surface, too."

"But he was authorized by the government, Leo. You think you can stop him, against a whole robot ninja army?"

"I don't know. That's why I need time, April. Maybe we couldn't stop him. But…nobody knows the generous philanthropist Oroku Saki is actually a conspirator. We are the only ones who know the truths, April. We need to find out his plan before it's too late."

"Guess you're right, Leo. When should we meet? I mean when should we come back for the guys?"

"Maybe in the early morning the day after tomorrow? We are going to bury Sensei in the morning, in the Park. We can meet afterwards."

"Be careful, Leo. I'm…really sorry."

"Thank you, April. Really. You and Casey take care."

"You, too."

Raphael stared at the glass bottle resting on the kitchen table. He remembered very well the day Leo brought it back with him. It had been a month ago—Mikey was still suffering a slight fever, but things were starting to settle down.

It was a rainy morning just after dawn.

Raph had been dozing off on the couch until he heard the noise from the window. As he opened his eyes and straightened himself, he saw Leo coming in with a glass bottle wrapped in his arm, soaking wet.

They seldom spoke to each other now. The silence in the apartment felt safe, so Raph didn't bother to ask what was in the bottle. He simply narrowed his eye and staring at Leo in question.

"It's his ashes." Leo said quietly, and then went past him without another word.

So Leo had been to God knows where to cremate Splinter's body last night. Picturing Leo standing in front of the fire consuming mercilessly their father's battered body, Raphael felt nauseated. He laid himself down on the couch again, soundlessly fighting back the tears in vain. He had become weaker in resisting soft emotions. And God knows how much he hated that.

"Raphael." A voice called him back to reality. He blinked and turned around.

It was Leonardo, motioning him to go.

He nodded, picking up the bottle and holding it tight against his chest.

The three of them headed out into the night.

When April O'Neill arrived the place Leo had said, she discovered only one turtle.

"Michelangelo," she uttered.

The turtle before her wasn't the same turtle she had seen only months ago. His eyes were foreign, and his lips were slightly pursed. She also noticed the obvious change. Leonardo didn't mention Mikey was hurt this badly.

"Where's Raphael?" she asked.

Michelangelo shrugged. "Didn't want to come."

It was as though he was shutting his heart up or something. She could not detect even a tiny trace of emotion.

"Can we go now?" Mike said, looking at her with his sharp gaze, "I wanna get out of this place."

"Yeah, me too." April agreed. She put a hand on his carapace; he tensed up and his features stiffened. Her heart ached at the sight.

And they walked all the way to the van.

[Leonardo]

No one said anything during the little funeral for our father. It wasn't exactly like human's funeral we've seen on TV or other occasions. It was quiet. There were no rituals of any kind. We stood before our hand-made tombstone and the little pile of dirt. We had scattered the ashes into the earth.

We started out as animal, and then were mutated into something beyond human comprehension; finally, we would go back to earth like normality. We're not so special after all.

During the long minutes standing in silence with my brother in front of the grave, I thought about things like this. How trivial were our lives. How transient. When we turned to leave the park, I felt like nothing mattered anymore. We were constantly changing. I changed. Raph changed. Mikey changed. Donnie used to discuss with me something about personal identity—there were many debates in philosophy concerning whether we were the same, continuous being. If Donnie were going to ask me this question again, I'd tell him I didn't think we were the same person as before.

We will never be.

O-O-O

Now I went back to Casey's apartment. I left Mikey where April would come and get him and saw him depart with her from a distance. Raph had left me sometime before we entered the block Casey lived. I only uttered a faint 'be careful' to him. Strange. A month ago we were fighting to stay together, now we were drifting apart like it was the most natural thing in the world.

I sat down on the couch. I recalled the night I brought Raph back from that alley where I found him surrounded by half a dozen of Foot Ninjas. That night I laid him down on this very same couch. For a moment we were so close I could feel his regret, and mine. For a moment I thought everything would go back to normal.

I failed them and then lost them. The team was gone. It was maybe for the good since I was not the good leader they needed anymore. I was nineteen years old but I felt like I was ninety. When would this stop? When would I be able to let go of that weary frown and the tight, clenching feeling in my stomach? Maybe I never will.

Sometimes I felt like I could cling to something so I wouldn't be spun around, chasing behind remorse. But I doubted I would find such a thing. There were times you found out that there was only one thing you got in this universe that would be there for you—yourself. We, the beings in the world, were always lonely; we just weren't aware of it.

I felt like I shouldn't be spun around.

I sat as the sun came up, ending the very long night.

—The End